Hello everybody!
My name's Rudy and I from Italy. I'm 27 and I've just recently discovered this interesting forum.
I write this thread hoping to receive some guidance, suggestions and experiences from those "who've been there".
My life is a puzzle!
0-14 - A lonely pet
As a young kid, I've always been the lonely wolf; everything was fine if I was playing with other kids but when I sought a group, I'd cross my arm, get serious and start studying them at a distance
. I've always been comfortable in small groups.
Nevertheless, I was the clown, the entertainer and the impersonator of the class at high school. I was feeling ambivalent; I didn't want to be "called" for the role but when it happened, I always had a lot of fun.
I've been quite lucky with my physical traits and, being honest, that always facilitated communication and relationship in general. Everybody liked me, I didn't like anybody. Not anger or hate, just lack of interest when I've discovered how superficial and stupid the majority of people use to be.
At around 14 I've started delving into eastern philosophies and introspection. I've always felt totally independent and disconnected from everyone and this led me to have a level of self-confidence (in my being different) that allowed me to do, study, think and become whatever I wanted. I never cared about trends, opinions etc (I actually think they're poison).
I was happy, going around with friends etc, but I've always being sensitive, observative and absorbing various behaviours and patterns. I've always dissimulated that, though.
19-21 - A replicant
At 19 I've enrolled in psychology, without almost knowing why. For my family, a degree was a natural move and I've been intoxicated by the lack of curiosity about our innate impulses, creativity and tendencies. Also, spirituality didn't help there. So I got into the degree, without questioning, I had to complete it, find a classical job etc.
At 21 I've quitted university due to my frustration with professors and teaching methods. Everything I learnt in psychology, came from personal inquiry and passion. At the university I've learnt about bureaucracy and how to pay taxes, that's it.
I've started working as a sales account because my father did that, I was still unaware about the possibility of becoming someone else without hurting your parents. I was a good salesman but I felt like shit everytime I sold something, felt like scamming everybody. I've worked for a couple of years untill I hated corporate world enough to quit it.
23-24 - A glamorous replicant, my wife and the discovery
At 23 I worked as a fashion model and took a certification in personal training. Working as a model was really hard for me being fundamentally shy but I learnt to cope with it. As when younger, my vain self actually liked the "scene" if I was pushed into it.
At 24 I couldn't bear anymore a world full of corruption, self-forgetfulness, drugs etc. I wasn't part of that but I've never been able to stay in environment I can't stand. This comprised the model job and the gym where I worked in (quite an elite gym here in Italy).
At that time, I met my wife. I already had a couple of longer love affairs and I've immediately perceived she was different. She was similar to me but so creative, energetic and extroverted. She completed me and I completed her.
She provoked me and pushed me to find my creativity. I've started learning guitar. I've always been very musical and intonated and playing guitar has always been a dream of mine, but nobody told me it was interesting, nice or possible.
I've enrolled into a drama course, also, and this totally gave my life a new direction.
Studying acting in the Stanislavsky system allowed me to impersonate all of the subtle differences of the human being in a natural manner, without being afraid of public or to show yourself when you are really "true".
I fell in love with acting, I wanted to become an actor, and maybe a musician why not.
I've started drawing again and I though, hey why not to become an illustrator too, since you've always loved comics?
But here comes writing; I've always loved to write poetry and it came natural to me, at times I see a landscape or somebody or something and I feel compelled to go and write the poem. So becoming a writer was another option.
I love acting, playing music, drawing and writing all the same. Sacrificing one instead of the other feels like amputation to me.
Meanwhile I had to support myself; since I've always been quite a computer geek I learnt web development and I've opened my one man webdesigner agency.
27-now - Arts
Here I am. Working as a freelance webdesigner because it gives me autonomy and freedom while not so much money. We're planning to move to the UK to complete my degree in psychology, to change things and see a new bit of world. This time I'm deciding to do so.
I've discovered that in my life the most important needs are: autonomy, spirituality, creativity (acting, music etc), helping others and feeling an important part of this world. I need to feel I'm doing something important.
Webdesign doesn't clearly give me that feeling.
I dream about going to the US after UK, and continue to study acting there and pursuing my romantic dream of becoming an actor.
A cloud of doubts and thoughts in my head...
what if this creativity isn't really "true"? what if it's just to receive an applause?
I avoid attention but when I seek it, I pretend it. I want to be the center. That's not healthy as you may guess.
I'm afraid this may bias all my decisions; here comes another thought: what if I study medicine? Maybe I'd need that stability for my future son and the social recognition.
How I'll be able to bear with such an analytical job as web design? Maybe it'll be just a year or a couple of years untill my psychology degree.
What then? Will I choose the path of making people pay to be helped? I'd like to help for free!
These and other thoughts cross my mind.
I wonder if I'll ever discover who I am.
Well guys, sorry for my let out. I think I needed it. Even in a digital way.
Thanks to whoever will have the patience to read me.
A big hug to everybody
Rudy
My name's Rudy and I from Italy. I'm 27 and I've just recently discovered this interesting forum.
I write this thread hoping to receive some guidance, suggestions and experiences from those "who've been there".
My life is a puzzle!
0-14 - A lonely pet
As a young kid, I've always been the lonely wolf; everything was fine if I was playing with other kids but when I sought a group, I'd cross my arm, get serious and start studying them at a distance
. I've always been comfortable in small groups.Nevertheless, I was the clown, the entertainer and the impersonator of the class at high school. I was feeling ambivalent; I didn't want to be "called" for the role but when it happened, I always had a lot of fun.
I've been quite lucky with my physical traits and, being honest, that always facilitated communication and relationship in general. Everybody liked me, I didn't like anybody. Not anger or hate, just lack of interest when I've discovered how superficial and stupid the majority of people use to be.
At around 14 I've started delving into eastern philosophies and introspection. I've always felt totally independent and disconnected from everyone and this led me to have a level of self-confidence (in my being different) that allowed me to do, study, think and become whatever I wanted. I never cared about trends, opinions etc (I actually think they're poison).
I was happy, going around with friends etc, but I've always being sensitive, observative and absorbing various behaviours and patterns. I've always dissimulated that, though.
19-21 - A replicant
At 19 I've enrolled in psychology, without almost knowing why. For my family, a degree was a natural move and I've been intoxicated by the lack of curiosity about our innate impulses, creativity and tendencies. Also, spirituality didn't help there. So I got into the degree, without questioning, I had to complete it, find a classical job etc.
At 21 I've quitted university due to my frustration with professors and teaching methods. Everything I learnt in psychology, came from personal inquiry and passion. At the university I've learnt about bureaucracy and how to pay taxes, that's it.
I've started working as a sales account because my father did that, I was still unaware about the possibility of becoming someone else without hurting your parents. I was a good salesman but I felt like shit everytime I sold something, felt like scamming everybody. I've worked for a couple of years untill I hated corporate world enough to quit it.
23-24 - A glamorous replicant, my wife and the discovery
At 23 I worked as a fashion model and took a certification in personal training. Working as a model was really hard for me being fundamentally shy but I learnt to cope with it. As when younger, my vain self actually liked the "scene" if I was pushed into it.
At 24 I couldn't bear anymore a world full of corruption, self-forgetfulness, drugs etc. I wasn't part of that but I've never been able to stay in environment I can't stand. This comprised the model job and the gym where I worked in (quite an elite gym here in Italy).
At that time, I met my wife. I already had a couple of longer love affairs and I've immediately perceived she was different. She was similar to me but so creative, energetic and extroverted. She completed me and I completed her.
She provoked me and pushed me to find my creativity. I've started learning guitar. I've always been very musical and intonated and playing guitar has always been a dream of mine, but nobody told me it was interesting, nice or possible.
I've enrolled into a drama course, also, and this totally gave my life a new direction.
Studying acting in the Stanislavsky system allowed me to impersonate all of the subtle differences of the human being in a natural manner, without being afraid of public or to show yourself when you are really "true".
I fell in love with acting, I wanted to become an actor, and maybe a musician why not.
I've started drawing again and I though, hey why not to become an illustrator too, since you've always loved comics?
But here comes writing; I've always loved to write poetry and it came natural to me, at times I see a landscape or somebody or something and I feel compelled to go and write the poem. So becoming a writer was another option.
I love acting, playing music, drawing and writing all the same. Sacrificing one instead of the other feels like amputation to me.
Meanwhile I had to support myself; since I've always been quite a computer geek I learnt web development and I've opened my one man webdesigner agency.
27-now - Arts
Here I am. Working as a freelance webdesigner because it gives me autonomy and freedom while not so much money. We're planning to move to the UK to complete my degree in psychology, to change things and see a new bit of world. This time I'm deciding to do so.
I've discovered that in my life the most important needs are: autonomy, spirituality, creativity (acting, music etc), helping others and feeling an important part of this world. I need to feel I'm doing something important.
Webdesign doesn't clearly give me that feeling.
I dream about going to the US after UK, and continue to study acting there and pursuing my romantic dream of becoming an actor.
A cloud of doubts and thoughts in my head...
what if this creativity isn't really "true"? what if it's just to receive an applause?
I avoid attention but when I seek it, I pretend it. I want to be the center. That's not healthy as you may guess.
I'm afraid this may bias all my decisions; here comes another thought: what if I study medicine? Maybe I'd need that stability for my future son and the social recognition.
How I'll be able to bear with such an analytical job as web design? Maybe it'll be just a year or a couple of years untill my psychology degree.
What then? Will I choose the path of making people pay to be helped? I'd like to help for free!
These and other thoughts cross my mind.
I wonder if I'll ever discover who I am.
Well guys, sorry for my let out. I think I needed it. Even in a digital way
.Thanks to whoever will have the patience to read me.
A big hug to everybody
Rudy
