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K.. so what gives?

It seems that 2's have a terrible rep when it comes to relationships.
I've heard a few places now, once in person from someone I GREATLY admire that he tried to date a 2 and hated it, and on another thread hear someone said they are least attracted to 2's.

this.. just makes me want to curl up and cry. In my mind, I just love the idea of having someone to care about and do things for, to try to make their life easier. The thought of someone wanting to do the same back for me fills me with so much warmth and happiness. but apparently I live in a deluded vision and I get the impression that most people see this as a type of relationship hell. LIke.. this idea just ruins me! What else do I have to give someone if not my care, attention and affection?

2's, or those who've dated 2's, what advice do you have to make a 2's "love" less insufferable?

7's especially, please comment!

I'm still not sure if I"m primarily a 2/7/9. I don't care so much about most people at all. just the handful that I consider very close friends/love interests.
 

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Generally i think 2s can get very personal and absorb someone else completely in order to get to know and understand them as best as possible. To those that can't handle this (most people) it feels suffocating, intrusive, confronting, pressured. Unhealthy 2's can additionally be resentful, manipulative, have bad outbursts.

In my former relationship I wasn't really ''the problem'', but rather my ex, a young type 9. She basically didn't communicate her inner troubles which let her to eventually act erratic, causing some damage that she couldn't handle herself. So she ran off.
I could have improved by being less idealistic, which let to very high expectations (pressure). In hindsight that was very exhausting for myself and her i'm sure. I'm not sure if idealism is a type 2 thing per se (probably more NF), but high expectations is definitely a possible pitfall of a type 2.

I'm not sure if one should want to make their ''love'' less insufferable, but rather find a person that can handle it just fine and actually loves it. Besides, type 2s are not really represented a lot, as the population of active online 4s and 9s for example is enormous by comparison. There might not be many advocates for 2s in these groups, making it seem that especially 2s might be very undesirable.

For example, besides others 2s, I feel that I have a natural great rapport with 6s, overall. Maybe they are less prone to voice tough criticism on 2s?
 

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What else do I have to give someone if not my care, attention and affection?
My mom is a 2.
2's have to understand, their ego is telling them to GIVE (give=love to a 2) so much, because if they do, they will be worthy of love back. The 2 gives more and more as the relationship builds, and expects more and more in return. But that is seen as a form of manipulation by other types. Its entirely selfish. Other types show love in their own ways. 2's should turn their attention to themselves for self care and pampering.
 

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I am in a relationship with a 2 and honestly on the surface they are amazing. Seeming selfless and nurturing but you never know what’s going on behinb the scenes with 2s. My 2 by set me up to work with a bunch of his friends and it was great and about a year later he joined the office and all of a sudden ALL of the friends started to give me the cold shoulder and I told the bf that I wanted to invite them over for dinner and his response was “don’t call them they don’t like you” with a smirk on his face.. then later once I questioned him about it deeper he started telling me it’s a joke and I’m being sensitive but realistically none of them are talking to me anymore lol he’s secretly maliciously defamed me numerous times throughout our 9 year relationship (and I’ve heard him doing it with my own ears) but he’s SO good at manipulating me and playing on my good nature to forgive him.
I read somewhere that they do this to get their emotional need met- I believe it was to isolate me and to be the point of contact between the parties. I know some will say that it is his just him and he is the exception.. but this has been a theme that I caught on to with ALL the 2s that I know. I notice other 2s doing this with other people as well. This behaviour is not very “loving” o gotta say.
 

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I am in a relationship with a 2 and honestly on the surface they are amazing. Seeming selfless and nurturing but you never know what’s going on behinb the scenes with 2s. My 2 by set me up to work with a bunch of his friends and it was great and about a year later he joined the office and all of a sudden ALL of the friends started to give me the cold shoulder and I told the bf that I wanted to invite them over for dinner and his response was “don’t call them they don’t like you” with a smirk on his face.. then later once I questioned him about it deeper he started telling me it’s a joke and I’m being sensitive but realistically none of them are talking to me anymore lol he’s secretly maliciously defamed me numerous times throughout our 9 year relationship (and I’ve heard him doing it with my own ears) but he’s SO good at manipulating me and playing on my good nature to forgive him.
I read somewhere that they do this to get their emotional need met- I believe it was to isolate me and to be the point of contact between the parties. I know some will say that it is his just him and he is the exception.. but this has been a theme that I caught on to with ALL the 2s that I know. I notice other 2s doing this with other people as well. This behaviour is not very “loving” o gotta say.
That's fucked up, I could never do something like that to my SO, but... Im not going to say he's the exception, because I know I have the ability to be like that, and I know other 2s that do that
 

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I am in a relationship with a 2 and honestly on the surface they are amazing. Seeming selfless and nurturing but you never know what’s going on behinb the scenes with 2s. My 2 by set me up to work with a bunch of his friends and it was great and about a year later he joined the office and all of a sudden ALL of the friends started to give me the cold shoulder and I told the bf that I wanted to invite them over for dinner and his response was “don’t call them they don’t like you” with a smirk on his face.. then later once I questioned him about it deeper he started telling me it’s a joke and I’m being sensitive but realistically none of them are talking to me anymore lol he’s secretly maliciously defamed me numerous times throughout our 9 year relationship (and I’ve heard him doing it with my own ears) but he’s SO good at manipulating me and playing on my good nature to forgive him.
I read somewhere that they do this to get their emotional need met- I believe it was to isolate me and to be the point of contact between the parties. I know some will say that it is his just him and he is the exception.. but this has been a theme that I caught on to with ALL the 2s that I know. I notice other 2s doing this with other people as well. This behaviour is not very “loving” o gotta say.
That's fucked up, I could never do something like that to my SO, but... Im not going to say he's the exception, because I know I have the ability to be like that, and I know other 2s that do that
Yeah really fucked up. Do you 2s ever get exposed? If so do you feel ashamed or do you just do whatever you can to manipulate the situation again ?
 

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Yeah really fucked up. Do you 2s ever get exposed? If so do you feel ashamed or do you just do whatever you can to manipulate the situation again ?
I dont like to manipulate people, I've only ever done it to a few people. Usually after I do it I get some kind of sick joy out of seeing them hurt/ seeing them think they've hurt me, I do feel ashamed about it though even if I've never been caught. I cut contact with people I've manipulated, but I don't really care about those people. I could never do that to somebody I care about, especially not to my girlfriend, I only want to make their life easier (like viole said).
Has your 2 always been like that? You said you've been together 9 years, I've only been with my girlfriend about a year now, and I've never been with anyone else, did something change after a certain amount of time?
 

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I'm dating a type 2w3. Being a 5w4 myself, there's definitely a disconnect from how we express emotion. He definitely expresses love through actions, by doing little things for me and being there for me whenever I need it. He has made great efforts to understand how I am because that is how he shows love, so he is always conscious of being suffocating or overbearing. I am a very romantic and expressive person, but when people see us in public I am more reserved. I've realized I tend to show love through small gestures as well, but often because of the sheer amount of unconditional love I feel from him it feels insufficient so I also love planning surprises and other things. For example, if he's having a bad week I'll get hem something he's been wanting as well as his favorite food and write a love note. I write too many notes while he never has which I think is interesting. He's much more focused on understanding me and loving me quietly which I greatly respect and admire.
 

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Yeah really fucked up. Do you 2s ever get exposed? If so do you feel ashamed or do you just do whatever you can to manipulate the situation again ?
I dont like to manipulate people, I've only ever done it to a few people. Usually after I do it I get some kind of sick joy out of seeing them hurt/ seeing them think they've hurt me, I do feel ashamed about it though even if I've never been caught. I cut contact with people I've manipulated, but I don't really care about those people. I could never do that to somebody I care about, especially not to my girlfriend, I only want to make their life easier (like viole said).
Has your 2 always been like that? You said you've been together 9 years, I've only been with my girlfriend about a year now, and I've never been with anyone else, did something change after a certain amount of time?
We have definitely had our share of ups and downs throughout the years but even since the beginning of our relationship he hasn’t been good at keeping my confidences confidential. He’s great in other areas, such as being there for me when I need him and showing support and love but sometimes I noticed that if I show my vulnerability he takes advantage of it and I’ve seen flashes of his “hard on the inside” side.
 

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We have definitely had our share of ups and downs throughout the years but even since the beginning of our relationship he hasn’t been good at keeping my confidences confidential. He’s great in other areas, such as being there for me when I need him and showing support and love but sometimes I noticed that if I show my vulnerability he takes advantage of it and I’ve seen flashes of his “hard on the inside” side.
seems like he's using you, or if he really does love you he might be doing it compulsively? i really don't know
 

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We have definitely had our share of ups and downs throughout the years but even since the beginning of our relationship he hasn’t been good at keeping my confidences confidential. He’s great in other areas, such as being there for me when I need him and showing support and love but sometimes I noticed that if I show my vulnerability he takes advantage of it and I’ve seen flashes of his “hard on the inside” side.
seems like he's using you, or if he really does love you he might be doing it compulsively? i really don't know
Lol aww Well thanks for trying to help.. I’m not all innocent I am an 8 and can be ruthlessly mean in an attempt to get the truth out of him... buttt I’m 100 loyal to him and our relationship Ive been known to go for people’s throats when anyone says anything remotely negative about him.. I’m not expecting him to do the same but at least don’t be the one to talk about me! and ya I’m not sure if he’s using me but he never lets me leave! I donno ?????
 

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Lol aww Well thanks for trying to help.. I’m not all innocent I am an 8 and can be ruthlessly mean in an attempt to get the truth out of him... buttt I’m 100 loyal to him and our relationship Ive been known to go for people’s throats when anyone says anything remotely negative about him.. I’m not expecting him to do the same but at least don’t be the one to talk about me! and ya I’m not sure if he’s using me but he never lets me leave! I donno ?????
well, good luck with whatever happens!
 

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K.. so what gives?

It seems that 2's have a terrible rep when it comes to relationships.
I've heard a few places now, once in person from someone I GREATLY admire that he tried to date a 2 and hated it, and on another thread hear someone said they are least attracted to 2's.

this.. just makes me want to curl up and cry. In my mind, I just love the idea of having someone to care about and do things for, to try to make their life easier. The thought of someone wanting to do the same back for me fills me with so much warmth and happiness. but apparently I live in a deluded vision and I get the impression that most people see this as a type of relationship hell. LIke.. this idea just ruins me! What else do I have to give someone if not my care, attention and affection?

2's, or those who've dated 2's, what advice do you have to make a 2's "love" less insufferable?

7's especially, please comment!

I'm still not sure if I"m primarily a 2/7/9. I don't care so much about most people at all. just the handful that I consider very close friends/love interests.
So I’m a 7 and I’ve been broken up with my ex who is a 2 for about a month. We date for a year and a half. As I’ve been processing the relationship I have been reading up on the Enneagram A LOT. Here’s what I want to tell you....Twos are incredible people. They feel deeply, they want to be loved, they want to be cared for. They want these things so badly that it’s threaded as a motivation underneath most things that they do during the day. My ex was an incredible people person, she could truly connect with anybody and that person would leave the interaction feeling seen, heard, and as a big fan of her. My ex also was great at doing me favors. If I forgot my lunch, she’d bring it to me AT WORK! She loved doing favors like that. She also loved those favors happening for her. Her love language was Acts of Service and the reason why is worth noting....She would rarely make time for herself because she had a long list of things that she felt she had to do in order to maintain approval from others. This drove a lot of perfectionism for her which creates stress, anxiety, and shame that served as a barrier to us connecting AND it fueled a lot of frustration, blame, and resentment that she then felt toward me when I didn’t do something perfectly in her eyes.

The biggest struggle is that she feels shame anytime that she actually speaks up about her needs and feelings. This means that she doesn’t do it often and instead represses and suppresses her feelings. This sucked because that just meant that her needs came out in erratic and hurtful ways rather than just coming out regularly in kind or respectful ways. I’m a passionate lover and a professional counselor so early in the relationship I was a dream partner for her. I regularly created space for her to get her needs heard and met and helped her process through not being ashamed of speaking such. This pattern of repressing and hurting pushed me away though and then me not guessing about her needsled her to more resentment and then her speaking her needs even less AND her making less effort with me because she spent so much time caught in her head about the needs she wasn’t getting met or might not get met and her frustration with such.

I begged her to spend more time doing her own hobbies, clarifying her needs, hanging with friends, asking me specifically for what she needed, but she wasn’t able to face The discomfort of doing that. Twos destroy the very relationship they crave most because they put their partner on this pedestal and then want to be close to them constantly so that they feel like enough BUT they don’t spend the energy to clarify and respect their own needs and so this pedestal becomes a stage for the two to throw all their passive aggressiveness, manipulation, blame, reeentment, and shame at. The hardest part is that twos often become aware that they’re doing this and then feel shame about that too.

As a seven, I deeply care about my partner and will do anything for them. However, I also need space and freedom to be able to adventure AND I need support and encouragement. My two ex would see my need for adventure and spontaneity as dangerous and risky to the stability of the relationship, she’d feel anxious, and then she’d passive aggressively criticize me or withdraw affection. Twos starts out in a relationship trying to understand and fill all of their partners needs but they end up spending so much time withdrawing affection, resenting, and manipulating to get their own needs filled that they neglect the process of truly connecting with their partner. True connection is about trust and respect. There’s nothing respectful about passive aggressiveness, stonewalling, resenting, or belittling. Twos need to find a way to process their feelings, own their needs, let go of rumination, speak their truth kindly and clearly, AND step out of a victim mindset. We are all able to pour either love or fear into our relationship. If my ex had spent 5% more time just trying to creatively find ways to connect with me or to build up our relationship, it would have powered me through to do SO much more.

Learn to empower yourself by clarifying and acknowledging your needs and then making space for your needs and your partners
 

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So I’m a 7 and I’ve been broken up with my ex who is a 2 for about a month. We date for a year and a half. As I’ve been processing the relationship I have been reading up on the Enneagram A LOT. Here’s what I want to tell you....Twos are incredible people. They feel deeply, they want to be loved, they want to be cared for. They want these things so badly that it’s threaded as a motivation underneath most things that they do during the day. My ex was an incredible people person, she could truly connect with anybody and that person would leave the interaction feeling seen, heard, and as a big fan of her. My ex also was great at doing me favors. If I forgot my lunch, she’d bring it to me AT WORK! She loved doing favors like that. She also loved those favors happening for her. Her love language was Acts of Service and the reason why is worth noting....She would rarely make time for herself because she had a long list of things that she felt she had to do in order to maintain approval from others. This drove a lot of perfectionism for her which creates stress, anxiety, and shame that served as a barrier to us connecting AND it fueled a lot of frustration, blame, and resentment that she then felt toward me when I didn’t do something perfectly in her eyes.

The biggest struggle is that she feels shame anytime that she actually speaks up about her needs and feelings. This means that she doesn’t do it often and instead represses and suppresses her feelings. This sucked because that just meant that her needs came out in erratic and hurtful ways rather than just coming out regularly in kind or respectful ways. I’m a passionate lover and a professional counselor so early in the relationship I was a dream partner for her. I regularly created space for her to get her needs heard and met and helped her process through not being ashamed of speaking such. This pattern of repressing and hurting pushed me away though and then me not guessing about her needsled her to more resentment and then her speaking her needs even less AND her making less effort with me because she spent so much time caught in her head about the needs she wasn’t getting met or might not get met and her frustration with such.

I begged her to spend more time doing her own hobbies, clarifying her needs, hanging with friends, asking me specifically for what she needed, but she wasn’t able to face The discomfort of doing that. Twos destroy the very relationship they crave most because they put their partner on this pedestal and then want to be close to them constantly so that they feel like enough BUT they don’t spend the energy to clarify and respect their own needs and so this pedestal becomes a stage for the two to throw all their passive aggressiveness, manipulation, blame, reeentment, and shame at. The hardest part is that twos often become aware that they’re doing this and then feel shame about that too.

As a seven, I deeply care about my partner and will do anything for them. However, I also need space and freedom to be able to adventure AND I need support and encouragement. My two ex would see my need for adventure and spontaneity as dangerous and risky to the stability of the relationship, she’d feel anxious, and then she’d passive aggressively criticize me or withdraw affection. Twos starts out in a relationship trying to understand and fill all of their partners needs but they end up spending so much time withdrawing affection, resenting, and manipulating to get their own needs filled that they neglect the process of truly connecting with their partner. True connection is about trust and respect. There’s nothing respectful about passive aggressiveness, stonewalling, resenting, or belittling. Twos need to find a way to process their feelings, own their needs, let go of rumination, speak their truth kindly and clearly, AND step out of a victim mindset. We are all able to pour either love or fear into our relationship. If my ex had spent 5% more time just trying to creatively find ways to connect with me or to build up our relationship, it would have powered me through to do SO much more.

Learn to empower yourself by clarifying and acknowledging your needs and then making space for your needs and your partners
Thank you so much for the time and effort you put into this post, couldn't make me any happier than seeing my type be so appreciated 😢 I'm sorry it didn't last. Welcome to the forum too by the way!
 

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Holy old thread!!

Just wanted to say that the view of a 2 being overly intense and involved isn’t always the case, and even when it is there are people who will appreciate that. My partner is a Sp 2 and it’s almost the opposite, still very much core 2 with the focus on others and love, but with a selfish edge. His primary instinctual drive is to be loved as opposed to loving others (Sx) or being seen as loving (So) so as someone who needs a lot of space I have never felt overwhelmed.

My two pieces of advice for a 2 in a relationship are; as difficult as this is, you need to learn that your true value and feeling of love must be self generated, you have to give it to yourself and stop viewing it as valid only when reflected by others. I know, it’s not easy, but it’s so incredibly important. Unless you do this I don’t think you can be wholly in the relationship because you remain focused on earning love from your partner which would mean putting forward the traits you believe are desirable to them and holding back points you fear will lead to rejection.

The second is connected to Holy Will, recognise your belief that you must push things in the right direction, that you know what’s best for your loved ones and need to steer them straight, while your intentions may be wonderful, it takes away their agency and will lead to resentment when you aren’t appreciated for giving something you thought was good to someone who didn’t want it in the first place.

Also, fwiw, I greatly appreciate 2s. Not that it should matter ;)
 
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