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Dear S.,

I'm noticing how I'm getting rough around the edges and that gave me an idea how to improve my theory, yay! Thanks for that. Anyway, today we've had a discussion about internet forums, openness, honesty. And that's where I realized why I insist on honesty. The whole thing began because of my dishonesty, fine, that's obvious, but there's more to it. I hide things from you, my flaws, which I consider something you should know, or that's how I'm drawing attention (as I've already mentioned to J. before). If I was honest about my flaws there would be no need for hiding anything and the fuss that comes with it.

Dear V.,

I admit that I am two faced. I am. But although I act as I do, I have an idea of how I should, ideally, act. Ideals are hard to reach, but I try to go in that direction. I'm probably making a mistake trying to conduct those ideals on others before I'm done changing myself to act on those ideals myself.
I feel it is right what I'm doing, maybe later I'll understand why, but for I now I still believe in "
Be Humble. Judge yourself at least as harshly as you judge others." Is it okay if I judge you and me the same, but I've already judged myself and the result is that I'm bad and because of that I don't believe I'm forcing you (except maybe that time with B., sorry V., but I'm just trying my best here), but I'm influencing you to be good? If I can't change myself, I can at least try to change you?

Truth be told, from my perspective (which can be wrong, but I see it as right), I've been trying to fulfill my dream of honesty at least in my close community. It doesn't have to be absolute, but I wish give it a little push in that direction. Don't jump on me right away that I'm doing it for myself. I honestly think that would be for the better, for all of us. Yeah, I'm aware of the possibility of projection. But that's where I find meaning - helping people!

About the B. case: You don't want to go out? Is that so bad? If you told me some dark secret, I'd keep quiet. For really big things I wouldn't betray a friend. I care too much about others' opinions of me for that.

Dear S.,

Let me continue what I was talking to you. I hope that one day soon I'll show you this and that by doing so I'll fulfill my dream of total honesty. That's why I'm writing this.

But now, my mind crosses an another problem. I wish to show you this so I would be better than you. I know that's horrible, I'm sick just writing about it, but for the sake of honesty I have to. Those are all weaknesses, my flaws. Where is that coming from? Why? Maybe when you have flaws, you must make artificial things to compensate for said flaws. But the real way is to get rid of your flaws is to destroy them, and for me, that way is through honesty and communication, dialog and teamwork. So yeah, sharing good, but easy, noooo.

I feel I'm accomplishing something here. Writing is awesome.

Written 7th of May 2012.
 
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