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Growing up my father was (and is) distant, abusive, and a terrible substance user. I've always been closer with my mother who in an obvious way I inherited more personality traits from. Both being type 4s we are both very creative and romantic and this is what made our bond as I grew up. She has always been unstable, often suicidal, and from a very young age I sensed this and took it on. I could never make her happy, though I always tried until one day I gave up completely, went in my room, locked the door and didn't come out again except to eat and sneak outside to do the same thing; attempt to keep myself company against the empty loneliness. I have always been very sensitive and dreamy with a surprising inner wisdom that becomes obvious when I emerge from my dream state long enough to speak my observed truth. This is often mistaken for innocence. What isn't seen is that I collect energy from everything that I touch and it all gathers inside of me. I am very worldly, but this constant stream of information and feeling has to be processed constantly, so it gives me a slightly airy vibe.
I'm a 4-7-9 The Gentle Spirit/Healer/Escapist
My mother is a 4-6-8 The Truth Teller
I am inherently empathic, so conflict and negativity is very weighing on me despite my being a 4. The 7 and 9 counteract the 4's melancholy. As much I've needed positive affirmation connection and gentle relating, she's created conflict and drama, accused me of being the center of all her problems, and comes back and acts like my best friend the next day. In a word she is intense. She pushes people away and reacts without thinking. She's all emotion, all fire, all panic, all the time. My tendency to think and wait things out as well as look for positive possibilities and nurture healing means that I am completely taken advantage of. She both clings to and sucks what she can out of me, and pushes me away while screaming for me not the leave. She is killing me.
She is so quick to judge and point out the flaws in others. Most of what she talks about revolves around this. More and more I find myself awkwardly nodding along to conversations I know I can't argue with without her presuming rejection.
Based off of our shared 4 preference we can have a workable relationship when all other things are working smoothly, but my dad was recently let out of prison, and of course she took him back. (I believe my dad to be a 683) There is so much trauma revolving around my dad, and a lifetime of distrust and deep, deep hurt. He delights in making himself big and others small. Since he's been back she's dropped me and both of them take over the house. The only safe place for me to be is my room. I hear them talking (usually about other people, including me) and laughing with each other all day that they are home. She acknowledges that they are both hurting my brothers and I on an irreversible level, but in her words, "I'm doing better. Why can't you see that?" She's the only one that matters.
These same people that she talks about so terribly are the people that she 'helps' on a daily basis. This hurt and confused me for a long time, but I realize now that she only gives when she can take, and take more. A I'll fix you, but now I own you mentality. Most importantly it has to benefit her ego.
As a 479 I also have flaws but mine are hidden so that I don't even see them unless I'm looking inward. People generally get the impression that I'm completely easygoing kind and sweet. Of course inside I don't always feel that. I hold back a lot.
I know my mother has very strong emotions and so deals with very deep frightening battles. This is what our relationship looks like from my side, and it hurts me a lot.
 

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Are you sure that your mother isn't a two? I suppose it's also possible that she's a really disintegrated four.

Anyway, I'm really sorry to hear all this... :( I hope you'll be in a position to leave home at some point, and develop yourself away from your family.

Really don't have much to add except hugs and warmth.
 
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