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Discussion Starter #1
I went to a 4th of July party with my boyfriend and the guy that was hosting the party is friends with our friends but my bf and I aren't friends with him and don't know him too well. We met him like 3 weeks ago and he's the attourney of our friend.

We get to the party and the guy started showing my boyfriend and I around his place, kind of giving us a tour. Then at one point my boyfriend decides to walk away while the guy is rattling on and on about how he designed the balcony. The guy was only making eye contact with me and so maybe my boyfriend felt awkward and left out or something and he just left me there with this guy talking to me and continuing to show me his place.

As we were walking back out around the house where everyone else was (only about 6 other people) he started talking to me about weird stuff.. he had already gone off on a tangent as soon as my bf walked away and at this point he shifted the convo in a weird direction. He started talking about very perverted sexual things to me, about how my bf probably enjoys the smell of my p*ssy (you cant make this stuff up), about how intoxicating my perfume smells and just a bunch of creepy perverted stuff. He said other things I'm not going to say but you get the point.

Then immediately I walked over to my boyfriend and said can we please leave, I feel uncomfortable, that guy said some perverted things to me. He asked me to tell him what he said and I told him wait until we get in the car (I just wanted to get the hell out of there and the music was kind of loud). My boyfriend becomes ANGRY with me... acting pissed off.. which confused the heck out of me. He was like ok we can leave but what did he say and I said it's really perverted, can we please go, I will tell you soon. Well he just huffed around and didnt do much but kind of gathered his things. I walk away from the party area and go into the yard and stood by the tree swing. This creepy guy gets up and walks out there after me, telling me to sit on the swing so he can push me. There was no way I was letting that freak touch me and I kept saying no I don't want to sit on the swing and at that moment my boyfriend walks by and yells, "Get in the f****ng car, we're leaving" and he may have said something to the effect of "leave her alone" or something like that. I was like, wooh, my boyfriend swooped in and I was glad, so I quickly grabbed my purse and ran off to get in his car where he was waiting.

As soon as I close the door to the car I try to explain to my boyfriend what the man said to me and my bf cuts me off and won't let me say a word. He basicly lays into me saying that it's my own fault, said I didnt follow his lead and said I was "standing there by the fan with my dress blowing up while I was talking to him".. lmao I swear I had no clue my freaking romper skirt was blowing in the wind! Any way, I was really hurt and confused by his reaction.

He dropped me off at my house and said he was getting his stuff and leaving. I said ok. And he left. Then he sent me a ton of stupid texts trying to blame me and deflect from the situation.

I don't even know what to think of this, I'm so hurt and confused.
 

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Sounds like a two-way misunderstanding from where I'm sitting.

I'm sure he noticed that the guy was only talking to you and not him, and he probably didn't want to be there either, at least not around him. Now, I don't understand him thinking that you could read his mind when he walked away and you didn't follow. But I'm sure he was QUITE heated with another man blatantly showing interest in you right in front of him...that's like the most disrespectful thing you can do to a guy's face. So at this point he's already fuming. He shouldn't have expected you to "follow his lead" without him giving any kind of signal. That was an unrealistic expectation on his part, but once you didn't follow, he probably subconsciously thought that you were okay with being around him and maybe even wanted to be around him more than you. I'm sure consciously he knew better, but he probably FELT betrayed on some level. Not only was he just HORRIBLY disrespected to his face in front of his girl, but then his girl stayed with the other guy and not him. Which would explain the "it's your own fault" comment. So at this point, there probably wasn't much you could do to salvage the situation, but unfortunately you couldn't have been aware that there even was a situation until it was too late and he was too far gone in anger to really be reasoned with.

I don't care who you are, unless you're famous, or a super great pickup artist, or look like you can beat up every person within 100 miles of you....if a man starts hitting on your woman right in front of you while knowing you're together, it's GOING to make him feel insecure. You'd have to have ULTRA good game to not sweat in a situation like that. The host was basically saying "I can take your girl and get away with it" and by you not leaving or fighting back or whatever he might've wanted you to do, in his mind it probably felt like you were saying "You're right, you can take me".

Now, everything I've said is PURE speculation. I've been in those shoes before, but I handled it drastically differently than he did. But who knows, maybe there are other things at play in his mind that he hasn't made known yet. But based on what you said, that's my best educated guess. I'm not saying you necessarily did anything wrong. I personally think he overreacted, even if I happen to be right. He might even be angry at himself for letting it happen. I know it's hard not to take it personally, especially when he's directing it at you, but when he calms down, he might be more willing to hear things from your side. But I SUSPECT he's probably just as hurt as you are, but for a very different reason, over what's most likely a simple misunderstanding.

Watch me be completely wrong about everything though haha. Best of luck to you on this situation. Hopefully it'll work itself out.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Sounds like a two-way misunderstanding from where I'm sitting.

I'm sure he noticed that the guy was only talking to you and not him, and he probably didn't want to be there either, at least not around him. Now, I don't understand him thinking that you could read his mind when he walked away and you didn't follow. But I'm sure he was QUITE heated with another man blatantly showing interest in you right in front of him...that's like the most disrespectful thing you can do to a guy's face. So at this point he's already fuming. He shouldn't have expected you to "follow his lead" without him giving any kind of signal. That was an unrealistic expectation on his part, but once you didn't follow, he probably subconsciously thought that you were okay with being around him and maybe even wanted to be around him more than you. I'm sure consciously he knew better, but he probably FELT betrayed on some level. Not only was he just HORRIBLY disrespected to his face in front of his girl, but then his girl stayed with the other guy and not him. Which would explain the "it's your own fault" comment. So at this point, there probably wasn't much you could do to salvage the situation, but unfortunately you couldn't have been aware that there even was a situation until it was too late and he was too far gone in anger to really be reasoned with.

I don't care who you are, unless you're famous, or a super great pickup artist, or look like you can beat up every person within 100 miles of you....if a man starts hitting on your woman right in front of you while knowing you're together, it's GOING to make him feel insecure. You'd have to have ULTRA good game to not sweat in a situation like that. The host was basically saying "I can take your girl and get away with it" and by you not leaving or fighting back or whatever he might've wanted you to do, in his mind it probably felt like you were saying "You're right, you can take me".

Now, everything I've said is PURE speculation. I've been in those shoes before, but I handled it drastically differently than he did. But who knows, maybe there are other things at play in his mind that he hasn't made known yet. But based on what you said, that's my best educated guess. I'm not saying you necessarily did anything wrong. I personally think he overreacted, even if I happen to be right. He might even be angry at himself for letting it happen. I know it's hard not to take it personally, especially when he's directing it at you, but when he calms down, he might be more willing to hear things from your side. But I SUSPECT he's probably just as hurt as you are, but for a very different reason, over what's most likely a simple misunderstanding.

Watch me be completely wrong about everything though haha. Best of luck to you on this situation. Hopefully it'll work itself out.
Thank you for your response... I think you're exactly right. Glad to see it from another perspective.
 

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Your boyfriend sounds like a bit of a beta male.

The fact that he didn't confront the guy and pull him aside to tell him how things will be show this. And that he texts you instead of calling you or speaking face to face.
 

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Your boyfriend sounds like a bit of a beta male.

The fact that he didn't confront the guy and pull him aside to tell him how things will be show this. And that he texts you instead of calling you or speaking face to face.
I didn't want to say it just because I'm not trying to say anything negative about your man, and I don't truly know what was going on from his perspective but.....I think XX is right. I'm not saying I'm "Mr. Alpha Male" by any stretch of the imagination because I'm certainly not, but at a bare minimum, I would've done something to at least let him know he's not about to try anything funny. At the very least, while the host was only acknowledging you, I would've made sure I was the only one responding to him while giving him the "knowing eye" so he knows that I know what he's up to and that he's not about to try that shit again. I most certainly would not have tried to walk away and hope that you'll follow. And I definitely would've wanted to have that conversation face-to-face with my own girlfriend if I was mad about something, because I'm not the type to sit around and let feelings linger and fester. The part where he just dropped you off then angry-texted you later did kinda make me cringe. That is NOT mature behavior....I would know, I was like that in high school!

Still, I hope yall get shit figured out. But it sounds to me like he has a lot of work to do on himself before he's ready for a relationship. Not a diss on your bf at all, but we all have our own journey, and we all get to different parts of our personal growth at different times. Some get there faster than others, some never get there. That's just how life is. But it sounds like he's got some growing to do, even if I do understand where he's coming from.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Your boyfriend sounds like a bit of a beta male.

The fact that he didn't confront the guy and pull him aside to tell him how things will be show this. And that he texts you instead of calling you or speaking face to face.
I agree that it was a beta move.
 

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I went to a 4th of July party with my boyfriend and the guy that was hosting the party is friends with our friends but my bf and I aren't friends with him and don't know him too well. We met him like 3 weeks ago and he's the attourney of our friend.

We get to the party and the guy started showing my boyfriend and I around his place, kind of giving us a tour. Then at one point my boyfriend decides to walk away while the guy is rattling on and on about how he designed the balcony. The guy was only making eye contact with me and so maybe my boyfriend felt awkward and left out or something and he just left me there with this guy talking to me and continuing to show me his place.

As we were walking back out around the house where everyone else was (only about 6 other people) he started talking to me about weird stuff.. he had already gone off on a tangent as soon as my bf walked away and at this point he shifted the convo in a weird direction. He started talking about very perverted sexual things to me, about how my bf probably enjoys the smell of my p*ssy (you cant make this stuff up), about how intoxicating my perfume smells and just a bunch of creepy perverted stuff. He said other things I'm not going to say but you get the point.

Then immediately I walked over to my boyfriend and said can we please leave, I feel uncomfortable, that guy said some perverted things to me. He asked me to tell him what he said and I told him wait until we get in the car (I just wanted to get the hell out of there and the music was kind of loud). My boyfriend becomes ANGRY with me... acting pissed off.. which confused the heck out of me. He was like ok we can leave but what did he say and I said it's really perverted, can we please go, I will tell you soon. Well he just huffed around and didnt do much but kind of gathered his things. I walk away from the party area and go into the yard and stood by the tree swing. This creepy guy gets up and walks out there after me, telling me to sit on the swing so he can push me. There was no way I was letting that freak touch me and I kept saying no I don't want to sit on the swing and at that moment my boyfriend walks by and yells, "Get in the f****ng car, we're leaving" and he may have said something to the effect of "leave her alone" or something like that. I was like, wooh, my boyfriend swooped in and I was glad, so I quickly grabbed my purse and ran off to get in his car where he was waiting.

As soon as I close the door to the car I try to explain to my boyfriend what the man said to me and my bf cuts me off and won't let me say a word. He basicly lays into me saying that it's my own fault, said I didnt follow his lead and said I was "standing there by the fan with my dress blowing up while I was talking to him".. lmao I swear I had no clue my freaking romper skirt was blowing in the wind! Any way, I was really hurt and confused by his reaction.

He dropped me off at my house and said he was getting his stuff and leaving. I said ok. And he left. Then he sent me a ton of stupid texts trying to blame me and deflect from the situation.

I don't even know what to think of this, I'm so hurt and confused.
I was really surprised that the boyfriend blamed you for his friend’s reaction. Rather than empathizing with you and acknowledging how uncomfortable you were in this situation, he blamed you - saying that your outfit was the cause of the attention you got. Sorry to be extreme, but this reminds me when a woman puts in a report to the police that she was assaulted, and they’ll respond “well what were you wearing?” As if how you dress should dictate his actions.
This was an opportunity for boyfriend to show you support. At the very least he could have confronted that guy later down the road or cut off all communication. A more appropriate reaction would be to say that he is angry that this happened to you and that no one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable.
Good for you on asserting your rights and communicating your feelings. I can’t tell you what to do, but if you can’t trust your boyfriend to support you in this situation, it’s unlikely you could trust him in others.
Finally, I am sorry this happened to you. It’s disgusting and uncalled for.
 

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I might seem like an @$$#013 on this but I'm speculating here.. I think you might of been (slightly) flattered and he picked up on it. Your bf was feeling inferior and I've seen my homies take it as a compliment when other men gaze at their women with desire. You mentioned this on here so it obviously was worth mentioning you were sought after by some male who thought he could come steal you from your bf. This might be your way of rationalizing that you can do better than your bf if you're having issues such as these already. If you were content with the bf, you'd not mention what happened at all. Settling with this guy will only make you regret it long-term. It happens to attractive women all the time. Albeit a bit late, that man needs to be put on blast. When people refuse to speak up about sexual harassment, these degenerate people.. continue on with their lecherous behavior towards a new prey. Women really should speak out against men more instead of accepting the behavior before something bad happens.
 

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Honestly I think your boyfriend was an asshole here. If I understood matters correctly. Ok if he was insecure and angry and jealous in the moment, even if it was not right, perhaps it could be forgiven, especially as he was not told what was said and unsure of the situation. But he should have tried to listen to you, been supportive and patient, and if not managing that, then at least later, after things had calmed down, but he wasn't, he sent texts continuing to blame you for being the victim of creepy behavior, all without even hearing your side properly. I don't think he sounds like someone worth having around from this story really, I feel angry just reading about it. Take care of your self and try not to take any shit from him.
 

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My take:

- Your bf is a jerk and he sounds emotionally abusive to me.

- the proper response to 'I need out of this place' would be either 'I'll get my keys' or 'okay, see you at home/later/whichever applies. '

With that said, did you need his permission to leave on your own?
 

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did a fast response to this from my phone this morning. now that i'm on my real machine, i wanted to add a few thoughts.

first one: if it's not too late, either save those texts or get a screenshot of them. i'm not saying he's necessarily going to become a problem, of course. but i just skimmed the story this morning and now that i read it in full it seems like a pretty extreme reaction to what is [relatively speaking] a pretty trivial trigger. so if it were me that would be a major Relationship Red Flags type of flag.

i don't mean to trivialize what the initial gross behaviour meant to you. what the rando did is disgusting and threatening. i'm saying that your bf's reaction is way out of proportion to what it was. not only in its content (which is unpleasant too) but also in its severity. who dumps someone because of something someone else did and that they didn't feel like discussing with him in a public space? it's got the hallmarks to me of a person who's just looking for excuses to go into emotional bullying mode.

so. issues that i personally have with the content of that reaction.

1. what happened to you was not about him. he doesn't have any right to demand details from you.
2. it's disgusting to demand someone else read your mind and then punish them so severely for not doing it.
3. any person of any gender who talks at their s.o. like they're commanding a fucking dog - especially in front of others - ought to be shot and pissed on iyam.
4. blaming you for standing near a fan is so bizarre it almost leans to delusional. but i think the point to take into sober consideration is that he seems to have been willing to persuade himself of something so weird just to provide himself with a pretext for his attack against you.
5. i'd be willing to bet quite a lot that his 'i'm leaving' was not a genuine i'm leaving thing. i'd bet you quite a lot that it was meant to be a manipulation to pull you back into line. he probably quite sincerely expected that it would cause you to throw yourself at him and promise to give him [whatever the hell he actually thinks he wants]. that's probably why he turned so vicious when you quite innocently failed to be manipulated.

don't walk it back. i mean, it's up to you and everything. but honestly, unless you WANT this guy back please try to keep careful track of whehter you actually want/miss him, or you just want the distress that he's planted to stop. if it's just about the distress, hold out. this is a guy who's given you the distress and i really don't think he did it in good faith.
 
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So sorry to hear about your 4th of July. Maybe you might want to consider dumping the BF? His behavior was way out of line. And it's not like it was your fault. In fact, he should've at least not walked away as this creep tried to lay it on thick with you. "Get in the car" sounds so abusive. And, the attorney guy sounds like a LOSER. Who flirts with a guy's GF right in front of him? That's GROSS!!
 
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