[FranOL]

I'm a 5w4, and between a INTJ and INTP. Anyway I guide my self better with the enneagram. I've trouble with the physical touch.
Maybe I can illustrate my life in a few words: when I was a child I was SOOO close to my father I can't imagine someone being that close to me in my entire life. He's a 2. I didn't spent time with my mother because I was always with my father. When I grew a little, at the age of 13 my parents divorced. I started living with my mom. Then I couldn't listen to my father without getting angry (for no reason), suddenly I couldn't see him and I didn't let him touch me ever again. "I tasted freedom and I liked so much I couldn't exposed my self to be controlled again (with affection)". The thing is that I feel the need of showing my affections to someone and that someone shows me his affections, but every time someone begins to get close to me, I distance my self right away. I must say I have no problem interacting with other people as long as it don't envolve intimacy. I'm ok until certain point. Every time someone touches me I become aware of it, even if it is a hand in the shoulder. I haven't been able to begin any relationships when I've had the chance. I get very uncomfortable when someone touches me, but on the other hand I desire it. .. Mm I don't know what can I do.. I enjoy being with my self but I'm a sexual 5 so, I feel I need affection. And it's hard to get it feeling comfortable.
Does any other 5s have the same thoughts?
Any advise?

 

[FearAndTrembling]

I don't like being touched, at all. I don't like people crowding me either, I need space. But I like physical intimacy, like cuddling. But only with a romantic partner. Any touch outside of that is a no no.

I used to fear both physical and emotional intimacy though. You're generation Z, so younger than me. I became more comfortable with it, as I aged. I still don't like other kind of touching too.

Sensory processing disorder may be something to look into too.

 

[SweetPickles]

Afraid of intimacy? May not have anything to do with type...

Also, when you are 13 it's normal not to want to be all huggy with your parents...

 

[DAPHNE XO]

I'm a 5w4, and between a INTJ and INTP. Anyway I guide my self better with the enneagram. I've trouble with the physical touch.
Maybe I can illustrate my life in a few words: when I was a child I was SOOO close to my father I can't imagine someone being that close to me in my entire life. He's a 2. I didn't spent time with my mother because I was always with my father. When I grew a little, at the age of 13 my parents divorced. I started living with my mom. Then I couldn't listen to my father without getting angry (for no reason),suddenly I couldn't see him and I didn't let him touch me ever again. "I tasted freedom and I liked so much I couldn't exposed my self to be controlled again (with affection)". The thing is that I feel the need of showing my affections to someone and that someone shows me his affections, but every time someone begins to get close to me, I distance my self right away. I must say I have no problem interacting with other people as long as it don't envolve intimacy. I'm ok until certain point. Every time someone touches me I become aware of it, even if it is a hand in the shoulder. I haven't been able to begin any relationships when I've had the chance. I get very uncomfortable when someone touches me, but on the other hand I desire it. .. Mm I don't know what can I do.. I enjoy being with my self but I'm a sexual 5 so, I feel I need affection. And it's hard to get it feeling comfortable.
Does any other 5s have the same thoughts?
Any advise?

I think the issue is you're scared that the person you become intimate with will leave you again, just like your father did when you were 13.

You say you got angry at him for no reason, but there was a reason.... 13 year old you felt abandoned by your dad and it upset you because loved him. But you didn't understand that at the time so you just got mad and resentful instead.

I think you still have some ambivalence towards your dad and anger surrounding the divorce... you might want to delve into that a bit deeper, divorce is rough on kids.

Hope that helps.

edit: All your reactions are totally 100% normal btw.

 

[Silverdawn]

I got the same kind of fear. Crowding of any kind makes me anxious and physical touching is a no no as well. Usually when someone close to me tries to touch me, I automatically flinch and move away. I believe that it is probably due to the abuse I got as a kid from my father. It's hard to like any kind of touch when the only kind of physical contact you had was either neutral or negative. I desire it too, I express affection and intimacy mostly in a physical way, cuddling or otherwise. I understand how you feel and I really empathize.

I think you might just need to get desensitized to it. I know that's how I'd probably deal with it myself. There's probably going to be a period where I'll have to get accustomed to physical touch while in a romantic relationship. I know where it comes from too so my fear has context and it helps in dealing with it. Maybe your parents' divorce is the cause of your issue. You were really close to your father but the way you typed your post makes it look like you ended up resenting him.

If it's causing you a lot of distress, you can try and find a therapist that might help you with it, don't be shy to ask.

 

[FranOL]

JungleDelRey
You said I felt abandoned by my father and that I got upset when he left me, but believe me it wasn't like that. I've thought this for years and I can say now that I'm SURE it was because he invaded my privacy. Now I feel that the most important thing is to protect my self from others and be independent. The divorce of my parents I feel it was a little issue, I saw it coming anyway, and I thought it was for the best. My father, I can say now without been his minion, that was a terrible husband, father and whatever,... If I where my mother I would've killed him instead of divorced him.
But anyway, that's not the point.

Silverdown
Thanks!

 

[VinnieBob]

I know this a personal question but did your father molest/inappropriately touch you when you were very young
there could be repressed memories

 

[FranOL]

No, he didn't touch me inappropriatly, I've thought on that too. He just was too affective all the time. I was like his diary, he told me all his problems and tended to victimize him self all the time.

 

[DAPHNE XO]

No, he didn't touch me inappropriatly, I've thought on that too. He just was too affective all the time. I was like his diary, he told me all his problems and tended to victimize him self all the time.

That's called emotional incest by the way.

 

[DAPHNE XO]

JungleDelRey
You said I felt abandoned by my father and that I got upset when he left me, but believe me it wasn't like that. I've thought this for years and I can say now that I'm SURE it was because he invaded my privacy. Now I feel that the most important thing is to protect my self from others and be independent. The divorce of my parents I feel it was a little issue, I saw it coming anyway, and I thought it was for the best. My father, I can say now without been his minion, that was a terrible husband, father and whatever,... If I where my mother I would've killed him instead of divorced him.
But anyway, that's not the point.

Silverdown
Thanks!

Responded to this bit.

Edit, I'm also finding it a bit difficult to understand what you're trying to say. you are clearly resentful to your father, and the ambivalence you feel towards him comes across quite strongly...

Perhaps, the issue wasn't the divorce but the fact he used you as his personal emotions diary?

The feeling of not wanting intimacy, but then wanting it again, that you project to everyone else is similar to what you felt with your father is it not?

 

[Bear987]

No, he didn't touch me inappropriatly, I've thought on that too. He just was too affective all the time. I was like his diary, he told me all his problems and tended to victimize him self all the time.

Sounds like your dad was the opposite of a parent, reversing the roles of parent & child. He needed you to be there for him (instead of making himself available to you as a good parent would).

In the process - you mention he was overly affective - he literally 'used your body' to feel loved somehow. He unconsciously made you into his mother.

As Alice Miller (author you might look up) describes: our bodies have a memory of their own. Your body has come to resent and distrust physical touch. You probably need to find a way to 'deal with' how you've been emotionally misused (abused) - since you might have moved on, but apparently your body has not forgotten (it never does) what went on.

I relate to what you're describing. I have 'intimacy issues' as well. (Who doesn't, by the way, but still). In my case however, my dad would hit, strike, slap or kick me. My body always goes into defense-mode when intimacy looms anywhere on the horizon. It is near impossible to me to enjoy being close to other people.