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Dear friends,

I'm wondering if I should show you this. The reason is paradoxical. The point of this is to tell you everything honestly, yet lately I feel a need to write all kinds of things which I'm hoping would make me feel better because I wrote them down, and that would require writing all kinds of embarrassing things. And some of those things I don't want to talk about to you, and yet, the whole point of these letters is honesty. See the paradox?

There are two solutions. One is to leave this text be and if I ever wish to share everything with you, I can. The second is to use that psych forum [this one, PerC] which I mentioned to you because there they have a built-in feature for blogging.

Since I'm already mentioning it, I could mention why I want a blog. It's a old idea and I wished it for a long time. Many motivations intertwine. The first you probably think of is fame and profit. That's correct, but I think that's a too narrow view. Sometimes I like sharing. I'm writing this so I would feel better, but I consider writing just for myself... somehow... bad. The advantage of writing just for myself is in feeling relived but I consider the point of the written word is to be read by others besides the author, that that is their real purpose. This, of course, doesn't hold true for all authors, but for me it feels stupid to write only for myself. There are more reasons like maybe someone will identify with me and my problems and that would make him feel better, or he's already lived through them and he could tell me how he did it so I can do it too. Recently I feel another reason coming to surface. I like writing. Writing is a cool profession, but I've never been actually interested in writing anything. I find writing this interesting. At least a little, at least for now...

But, I should get to the real topic that I forsaw for this entry. The topic is dancing and all that. When we went to that anti-prohibition gig, I was scared out of my mind because I thought it would be expected of me to dance and that I won't be able to avoid it. I had an hour between my lectures and meeting you and I spent that time self torturing myself with thoughts of dancing. I don't have an excuse. If really everyone can do it, and it's not important what other people think of you, why would I have a problem with dancing in public? But I do, maybe it's irrational. Maybe I can even change that about myself or maybe I should change. But at this moment I'm neither capable nor willing.

I danced a couple of times, don't get me wrong, drunk and sober. I even played air guitar for a few seconds at prom night wishing to be special or something. But when I remember that all I feel is silliness and embarrassment, even though everyone else thought it was cool. Which reminded me of the enneagram theory by which I gravitate to became one with others. I wanted to tell you how when I danced, that sorta worked out, but in the end it was boring me. I was only really having fun when I danced with my crush. Dancing is cool if you're dancing with a girl and bonding with her while you're at it. But otherwise I don't find joy dancing. Why did that remind me of typologies? Because when I'm in a club those are the moments I most intensely felt my separation from the human race. At those moments when I stepped off the dance floor and slept/was bored/payed Gravity Defied on my mobile phone, those moments I thought that nowhere else but nightclubs I feel more alien. At those moments I lost hope in my normality/reason/whatever. "Everyone likes it, why don't I? I must be crazy!" Looks funny now, thinking you're not human because something that is defined by taste, but something still disturbs me about it. Maybe I still think dancing is in the nature of every human?

Even besides the air guitar I feel
uncomfortable and less self confidant to dance. I don't ever want to do it again. Except maybe if some day I become some really self confident guy. No, I will not gain self confidence by dancing. That's horror. I get stiff. I don't want that.

Written 15th of May 2012.

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I tried to write one a day, and I was in a hurry to translate this one before midnight and failed for a minute or two... dang
:laughing:
 
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