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Discussion Starter #1
Has anyone had any experience of a relationship or friendship (particularly a romantic relationship) between a 9w1 and a 9w8?

I find it interesting because I've seen information on relationship compatibility between the types but not much on specifically different wings as I think it would make a difference. Did you find that the wings clashed with each other or were compatible. And in what ways?

I found this article on a 1 and 8 in relationship https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/enneagram-type-1-type-8/

And this one on two 9's in relationship https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/enneagram-type-9-type-9/

I'm guessing a bit of each could apply to 9w1 and 9w8 together?

I'm also very interested in two 9w1 and two 9w8 together for comparison.

I think I was in a relationship with a 9w8 who I previously thought was a 9w1. But having read that article on 1 and 8 there were some things which I could relate to in a way to aspects of our relationship...

Thanks.
 

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I'm 9w1 and my dad is 9w8... We're pretty different, I guess. I think people tend to like him better than me, I tend to come across like a bit of an ice queen, not particularly approachable whereas he comes across more grounded and friendly. When we've gotten into arguments I've tended to be more withdrawn and my anger has expressed itself indignantly for the most part, whereas he comes across more smug and he tries harder to make everything more positive again. Just kind of like "Come on, let's just try to get along" I guess you could say, whereas I'm more reluctant to get positive too quickly. I want to work through the problem more, I want to process what's wrong. When he's had enough of me being that way his temper can flare, and when I feel he's trying to bully me into being too positive my temper can flare. I'm just basically more withdrawn and icy, he's more friendly and warm. We're both pretty easygoing and accepting for the most part, though, I always get the sense we're kind of safer with each other regarding certain habits for which we'd be more readily judged by others.
 

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9w1 can be more reserved than 9w8, more of a perfectionist. 9w8 are more i stinctual energy, and have the lust component of 8 so they can be more aggressive, less reserved, more go with the flow, more relaxed but out going. 9w1 can be more conscientious. Idealisticlaly a 9 would be healthy mentally, emotionally, physically, and have a nice balance with thier wings, as well as their mbti functions.
 

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I've never seen any 'tight' friendships or romantic pairings between these two types.

It might not work well for two reasons:

1) According to Enneagram Institute study on couples, same types are twice less likely to end up together - Enneagram Relationships - Do Opposites Attract? | 9types. Apparently, too much of the same thing is not too attractive.

2) 1s & 8s often don't see eye-to-eye on how to approach and solve issues. The way the other handles things seems too baffling and not at all how things should be done. If they have these types as wings, this could cause some friction and resentment that being 9s they may push-down and suppress for a long time, making it look like everything is fine on the surface while the anger will be building up inside.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I've never seen any 'tight' friendships or romantic pairings between these two types.

It might not work well for two reasons:

1) According to Enneagram Institute study on couples, same types are twice less likely to end up together - Enneagram Relationships - Do Opposites Attract? | 9types. Apparently, too much of the same thing is not too attractive.
I was in a relationship with a 9w8 and we were drawn to each other immediately. We felt similar in all the right ways and like we had finally met someone who could understand us (partly due to both being 9's no doubt) but also different enough to learn from and be interesting to each other (likely our wings and mbti).

2) 1s & 8s often don't see eye-to-eye on how to approach and solve issues. The way the other handles things seems too baffling and not at all how things should be done. If they have these types as wings, this could cause some friction and resentment that being 9s they may push-down and suppress for a long time, making it look like everything is fine on the surface while the anger will be building up inside.
But yeah as for what didn't work this is pretty spot on.
 

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I tend to come across like a bit of an ice queen, not particularly approachable whereas he comes across more grounded and friendly. When we've gotten into arguments I've tended to be more withdrawn and my anger has expressed itself indignantly for the most part, whereas he comes across more smug and he tries harder to make everything more positive again. Just kind of like "Come on, let's just try to get along" I guess you could say, whereas I'm more reluctant to get positive too quickly. I want to work through the problem more, I want to process what's wrong. When he's had enough of me being that way his temper can flare, and when I feel he's trying to bully me into being too positive my temper can flare. I'm just basically more withdrawn and icy, he's more friendly and warm. We're both pretty easygoing and accepting for the most part, though, I always get the sense we're kind of safer with each other regarding certain habits for which we'd be more readily judged by others.
Thanks for your reply. Yeah that is very accurate for the differences and similarities between me and my ex who is 9w8. And the part you mentioned about differences in resolving conflicts/issues got pretty bad in our relationship at times. But yeah the good times when our wings and other differences weren't clashing were so relaxed and like we finally had someone who understood us.
 

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I think the main difference between my ex (more than likely 9w8) and myself (9w1) was not ice queen verses warm and friendly. I was more cerebral and he was more "I am chilling". I, too, wanted to resolve our issues while he just avoids. He also had temper flares. I liked our relationship sometimes because we shared a peaceful lifestyle with each other when he was not having anger issues. He suffered a great loss before he met me, which is causing his anger issues.

I wouldn't mind being with another 9w8 if we are more compatible in our values, and he is healthy enough not to avoid conflicts and trying to keep the peace at all cost (at the expense of himself and our relationship). I do enjoy the fun, hugs, laughter and playfulness. I missed that we could talk about anything and everything whenever he is in the mood to experience more depth and be a little more cerebral. He is intelligent but not intellectual.
 

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I think the main difference between my ex (more than likely 9w8) and myself (9w1) was not ice queen verses warm and friendly. I was more cerebral and he was more "I am chilling". I, too, wanted to resolve our issues while he just avoids. He also had temper flares. I liked our relationship sometimes because we shared a peaceful lifestyle with each other when he was not having anger issues. He suffered a great loss before he met me, which is causing his anger issues.

I wouldn't mind being with another 9w8 if we are more compatible in our values, and he is healthy enough not to avoid conflicts and trying to keep the peace at all cost (at the expense of himself and our relationship). I do enjoy the fun, hugs, laughter and playfulness. I missed that we could talk about anything and everything whenever he is in the mood to experience more depth and be a little more cerebral. He is intelligent but not intellectual.
I'm exactly like you described your ex. I'm a really irritable person on my daily life and I seek for peace even through violence (ironically). I'm specially impatient on emotionally charged atmospheres and overly perfectionistic/micromanaging/controlling ppl (I see them as negative), though, I like to solve problems quickly (If I see a problem). I've a really contrasting personality, even unpredictable. Anyway...



@sometimes and @KJ Always
Would you mind to mention about your mbti types (you and ex)?
 

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@severn I'm an INTP my ex is an ISFP. We had a lot in common but also those two types are known for having communication difficulties when it comes to solving conflicts. So I think that aspect was a mixture of mbti and wings clashing. But on the flip side the differences is partly what made each other seem more interesting. And also something learn from. Well I learnt from him anyway. I think his tri-fixes were probably 3w4 and 6w7 but that probably makes no difference in this context. I'm also sx/sp but I don't know what his instincts could have been. Maybe sx/so but that's really just a guess. He seemed to merge with art and with me. But also seemed to have a better sense of himself and maybe not mirror random people so much but that might just be Fe vs. Fi.
 

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I'm exactly like you described your ex. I'm a really irritable person on my daily life and I seek for peace even through violence (ironically). I'm specially impatient on emotionally charged atmospheres and overly perfectionistic/micromanaging/controlling ppl (I see them as negative), though, I like to solve problems quickly (If I see a problem). I've a really contrasting personality, even unpredictable. Anyway...



@sometimes and @KJ Always
Would you mind to mention about your mbti types (you and ex)?
My ex does not seek peace through violence. I am sorry if I gave you that impression of him. He just gets angry whenever he suffers a loss. He does not handle that very well. I am more the problem solver between us because I am the one with the 1 wing. In emotionally charged environments, he feels uncomfortable and tries to get everybody to get alone with each other. When he is being a trouble maker, he is just being playful and its done in private. Around other people, he is pretty well behaved. And he is not irritable anymore because he got over his losses now, though he does fear he will lose his girlfriend and end up with a broken heart. Losses hurts him to the core of his being! My friend, Edward, says he is meditative when it comes to his relationships...he thinks about his relationships because he wants to keep the peace and contemplative of the factors...trying to avoid loss!

If you are like him, I would tell you that loss is a part of life and try to learn from them. Face what is making you irritable and deal with it, so you can experience true inner peace. Avoiding them just makes them worst or prolong it.
 

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@KJ Always

IDK, I'm 9w8 5w6 ISTP, maybe its that.:mellow:

I'm not the one seeking for problems at any rate, I'm just reactive. I hate almost everything that disturb me (my peace), and If someone is doing it repeatedly its likely that I'll push back (its selective more than general). I don't think its related to loss (of someone, maybe loss of peace) on my case…just in few particular cases. In general its because of me not having the mood and ppl pushing my boundaries. My lack of energy and me not having my spiritual daily doses is a reason of being irritable too, thats what I've observed.

On your ex case, guess that loss= disturbance (loose of emotional stability -sadness-, peace of mind, peace in general etc) = irritability. Me guessing.
 

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Has anyone had any experience of a relationship or friendship (particularly a romantic relationship) between a 9w1 and a 9w8?

I find it interesting because I've seen information on relationship compatibility between the types but not much on specifically different wings as I think it would make a difference. Did you find that the wings clashed with each other or were compatible. And in what ways?

I found this article on a 1 and 8 in relationship https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/enneagram-type-1-type-8/

And this one on two 9's in relationship https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/enneagram-type-9-type-9/

I'm guessing a bit of each could apply to 9w1 and 9w8 together?

I'm also very interested in two 9w1 and two 9w8 together for comparison.

I think I was in a relationship with a 9w8 who I previously thought was a 9w1. But having read that article on 1 and 8 there were some things which I could relate to in a way to aspects of our relationship...

Thanks.
This isn't a catch-all for 9w8 with a 9w1 because it depends on how much each one leans on their wings and what subtype they are (and if you want, you could take astrology into account...)
Anyway...
I'm a 9w8 and my ex is a 9w1. I lean a lot on my 8 wing so I have a lot of 8 traits - but a lot of 9 traits; I'm a 9 at the core but I wear an 8's outfit.
My ex doesn't lean on his 1 wing too much but something I've noticed with 9w1s is that the 1 wing kind of exacerbates the merging peacekeeping harmony-seeking behavior of 9s and that's definitely my ex.
We were initially pretty compatible - but we were long distance so that was hard. I like to argue and I had a tendency to argue about the stupidest things (stressful for him) but he never joined in. Ever. (stressful for me) We had some other problems besides my compulsive need to argue and his inherent need to keep every part of his life completely harmonious no matter the cost - but since those two things conflicted with each other, those were our major two.
Anyway - I could sense that he was done but he couldn't seem to say it. He's a 9w1 so he runs from anything even resembling conflict. As a 9w8, I'm not as scared of it. But he was done so I broke it off instead of dragging out a relationship that was falling apart and that only one person wanted to be in.
 

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I've never seen any 'tight' friendships or romantic pairings between these two types.

It might not work well for two reasons:
I’ve (9w8) been married to my wife (9w1) for 13 years and we have an extremely healthy and fun relationship. Who wouldn’t want someone who can read your mind as a partner? We absolutely love being married to each other. When we do fight, which isn’t often, usually we just need a bit of space to process, then we both come together and both admit fault and our life goes on peacefully. We are constantly trying to help, please and understand the other person- it’s great!
 
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