[drama]

Hey guys! First of all, I introduce myself, I am from Spain and this was the only enneagram forum that I found around the web, English is not my native language, however, I hope I'll be able to communicate with you!
I was in a short but intense relationshipe with a guy, a 7w 6, adorable and charming at the beginning , we are both in our thirties but neither of us is specially mature or healthy, so I suppose we crash on our unhealthy sides. The thing is, as a 4w5 I am hipersensitive and have an unstable self- steem, I am very vulnerable. At the beginning of the relationship he was so romantic, enthusiastic and engaging, he seemed really commited,too much, I would say, he wanted to live with me from the beginning, and he disarmed me. He wanted to knew my familly the second week of being together, and I agreed because it was Christmas and his family lives far away,so hw came into my family's house for Christmas, and I introduced him to them. I get to know his familly too, two weeks later, in another town ,9 hours from my own, we spend 4 day's at his mum's flat, with his sister and her husband .
After that rush, things changed. I don't know why but he became hipercritical and begun to critizcize everything I said or did, until my self -steem was on the level of the floor. I was confused and sad. He begun to criticize my sadness and confusion,it became worse. He insisted he wanted to make it work and that he loved me , an that he was ok with our relationship... but the reality was quite different, we couldn't communicate anymore, because of our opposite defense mechanisms. I asked him for ten days of being appart, with no communication, because I needed to put my thoughts clear and make sure what could I do to make it work, since when we tried to talk about it I couldn't see what was really happening,he has an overwhelming capacity to theorize about everything, even feelings,which made me feel more and more confused, to the point I didn't know what was happening or what I was doing. After these ten days ( before the break we both make sure it was only a little break and that we loved each other), I called him to talk, he said that he loved me only as a friend now, that he had lost the feelings of inmense desire towards me that he had before,but that I was one of the most important people in his life and didn't wanna lose me. he send me confusing messages: that he wanted me to fight for him, but he never ever called me again, at that moment it was only me doing the callings. He insisted that we hadn't split, but he never remined our appointments. Finally, after a month or so, he told me we weren't together, because he didn't felt the same way for me, and that he was sorry,he had become like a piece of ice, nothing to do with the person I loved, he behaved like a stranger, and I couldn't understand how it is possible, to stop loving someone to that point, if it is not because of some fight which wasn't the case. We had share a lot and always tried to help each other, but not the right way, I guess...
It's been a month after that, I told him to not contact me again, explaining him that I couldn't get over it if he did (we are kinda neighbours). I am sure he won't contact me again now, I only would like to know how it is possible to love somebody with your head, detaching oneself completely from your heart, that's impossible for me, and how, when you decide a relationship has no future, then you stop feeling or something? I don't mean to offend anyone, I really love this guy, and appart from our differences, we had som magic connection before he got incredibly cold and distanced, I just don't understand him and I'd like to, I suppose understanding that would help me to get over him, if I am able to understand, which I am not sure, he's so different from me...

Excuse me for the long story, I have tried to make it brief but you know... I skipped lots of things though,..

Thanks and looking forward your answers

Have a nice day!

Drama

 

[aconite]

Hello. English is not my first language either, don't worry. I understood everything you wrote, or at least I hope so.

Okay then: keep it in mind that although we're Sevens, we don't live in your man's head and only he knows for sure what's on his mind. Nevertheless, I'll try to help.

Sevens are quickly bored, and this, unfortunately, means we can be bored of our partners as well, when the initial infatuation wears off. Everything which is new (new hobby, new friends, new lovers, new everything) is seen through rose-colored glasses, which adds to the severe disappointment after the clash with reality.

Sevens becoming hypercritical might be a sign of disintegration to 1 (I experienced this when being depressed), and since we're assertive and rather egocentric folks, we'd rather change our partner than change ourselves. And the part about theorising everything... well, I bet he's a Thinker in MBTI terms, isn't he. I do the same thing; I'm not very comfortable with feelings, so I tend to analyse them in a logical way.

Anyway, I can relate to what he told you. Sevens aren't usually in touch with their emotions (even more so if they're thinkers). It's possible, at least for me, to care about someone without being in love with them. We live in the future, and tend to ignore the past. If he sees your relationship as a part of the past, there's nothing, really, what you could possibly do to change his mind.

My advice: let it go. I know it might sound a little bit harsh, but your guy doesn't seem to be the most mature person in the world (in fact, hadn't you written about your ages, I'd have assumed he was about 18).

 

[drama]

Hello. English is not my first language either, don't worry. I understood everything you wrote, or at least I hope so.

Okay then: keep it in mind that although we're Sevens, we don't live in your man's head and only he knows for sure what's on his mind. Nevertheless, I'll try to help.

Sevens are quickly bored, and this, unfortunately, means we can be bored of our partners as well, when the initial infatuation wears off. Everything which is new (new hobby, new friends, new lovers, new everything) is seen through rose-colored glasses, which adds to the severe disappointment after the clash with reality.

Sevens becoming hypercritical might be a sign of disintegration to 1 (I experienced this when being depressed), and since we're assertive and rather egocentric folks, we'd rather change our partner than change ourselves. And the part about theorising everything... well, I bet he's a Thinker in MBTI terms, isn't he. I do the same thing; I'm not very comfortable with feelings, so I tend to analyse them in a logical way.

Anyway, I can relate to what he told you. Sevens aren't usually in touch with their emotions (even more so if they're thinkers). It's possible, at least for me, to care about someone without being in love with them. We live in the future, and tend to ignore the past. If he sees your relationship as a part of the past, there's nothing, really, what you could possibly do to change his mind.

My advice: let it go. I know it might sound a little bit harsh, but your guy doesn't seem to be the most mature person in the world (in fact, hadn't you written about your ages, I'd have assumed he was about 18).

Hey, thanks a lot for your answer and the sense of humor recognizing seven weak points. I know that you are not on " my" man's mind because of you being a seven but your point of view helps me to understand tipical responses of your tipe ( wch I don't confuse with the person, everyone is a world, you know...)
Yes it sounds very harsh to just move on, because I love him, even when disintegrating towards one, which I saw as a defence mechanism and not his real self.
He's awesome when he connects when his emotions, it is a shame he dwtach from them so easily. And I don't think he got bored, he got simply overcritical and I got depressed, so he run away!!! That I don't appreciate, since I have been there for him when he was down,it is not a problem for me, I know what it is being down and I understand when other people aren't ok... just one more question though, I think he didn't want to change himself and aknowledge his mistakes and that's why he couln't see a future in our relationship, and once he decided so, and the initial excitement wore off, he was able to move on so quickly, as if he never had felt love for me, I am amazed, excuse me for the question but.. is that tipical for people E /? If so, how does it work? Is this true, this sop loving someone from day to night or it is a self-delusion? or a kind of emotional anesthesia? I'd like to try this!

However..., I gess he is very inmature for his 31 years old, but I'm not an illuminated being neither... besides, he has gone trogh a rough time last year since his father died because of his alcoholic habit. Not an easy life that he's had. I'd really care for him but since he has wiped me out of his life and besides, I feel hurt,what can I do, he hasn't been friendly to me and, it may sound selfish, but it hurts to love him despite of it...
Thanks a lot, I'd appreciate any comment

Drama

 

[aconite]

just one more question though, I think he didn't want to change himself and aknowledge his mistakes and that's why he couln't see a future in our relationship, and once he decided so, and the initial excitement wore off, he was able to move on so quickly, as if he never had felt love for me, I am amazed, excuse me for the question but.. is that tipical for people E /? If so, how does it work? Is this true, this sop loving someone from day to night or it is a self-delusion? or a kind of emotional anesthesia?

Oh, I don't know if it's typical. But yes, I think Sevens are usually able to move on quickly. We don't like dwelling on past, especially painful past; generally speaking, we look for distractions to forget about pain.

When I stop loving someone, I don't notice it right away; it usually takes me a while to sort it out.

And if he's a jerk to you, the sooner you forget about him, the better. IMO it's a lost cause.

 

[drama]

Oh, I don't know if it's typical. But yes, I think Sevens are usually able to move on quickly. We don't like dwelling on past, especially painful past; generally speaking, we look for distractions to forget about pain.

When I stop loving someone, I don't notice it right away; it usually takes me a while to sort it out.

And if he's a jerk to you, the sooner you forget about him, the better. IMO it's a lost cause.

Thank you, I suppose that as a 4 I unconsciously like to dwell about painful past... but very unconsciously, I like to be happy as any other person just can't find any relief in distractions when I am sad, I don't stop being sad when being distracted, I would like to be able to do it, you're lucky I guess, no offense, I really mean it yes, I know the sooner I forget about him the better, just I cannot deal with my feelings using my logic, I thing feelings and logic, or thought, are different functions and serve different purposes... and I am not good in logic either...
Thank you for your feedback, you were really nice