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I feel I am doing some sort of injustice to myself or my 'self'. By trying to do something in journalism (I don't have a degree). The opportunity has come my way because of my father's contact. Earlier I have rejected two other opportunities that my father suggested to me. On this forum I once gave a thumbs up for a bartending job. Honestly my situation is no better than that guy's situation. Journalism is meaningless writing on and on with a lot of structural impositions on them. They must contain all the information and there is hardly any craft required. Am I doing a daring thing here or am I corrupting my language and my writing? May be both. Who knows! But I am throwing myself out there. That is scary. I am shit scared. I fear someone will come up and say that you are a fraud, you don't deserve this and I should just have some grace and leave that place calmly and politely. I have not been able to share that with my girl friend. I am writing it here. It is my pretty strong superego that is trying its hardest to pull me down by reminding me on and on that if I go anywhere away from focusing on writing stories, a novel, a play I am betraying myself. I want to go against that superego message that I have to be true to myself, that I must think of myself as special. That is the only way of having an identity in this world which is too ordinary. I have to let myself BE ordinary for a week. Juat a week. Just one week of regularly going to office, trying to write one thing, fail, try again. . . Just one week. Till next monday. Yeah I need some perspective. Some time line. Time lines have always been of great help. So it will be Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Yeah. . . a pretty long week it seems like. Superego screaming Tell them you are special although you have also been uniquely flawed. If I can pass this one week. Just this one week. I will try. I will try my best. Need to learn to work on a software as well. Will go early tomorrow morning to see how the newspaper is made. Will wake at 8 though it's 3 am already. I am anxious. I wish saying that could reduce the anxiety.

There is some reason for which I am posting this. But I don't know what that is. It's not help. It's just saying it somewhere that I am going through a tremendous turmoil and I am not giving up. That a part of me is proud of myself even as a large part of me is just shivering all alone in this big emptiness that my life is.
 

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The superego is, like, principles, right? Civil demands? Well, don't spread yourself thin, man. I doubt one could embody one's whole being into one occupation, even if the job was everything anyone could ever ask for. I don't mean it to be advice. Just playing the role of empathist.
 
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