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Is it all coincidental? If not, why is he doing that despite all the self shame and rejection he put me thru? Is he just feeling lonely coz he's in a long distance relationship with his gf? Why would he even attempt to befriend me knowing how much hate I have for him?
Sounds like he's trying to use you for something. If the ESFJ is a guy and you're a woman: Wants to use you for some toki doki time.

If the genders are opposites... then perhaps but probably lonely.

Not worth it, IMO. It'll just come back to bite both of you in the rump.
 

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Discussion Starter #22
Sounds like he's trying to use you for something. If the ESFJ is a guy and you're a woman: Wants to use you for some toki doki time.

If the genders are opposites... then perhaps but probably lonely.

Not worth it, IMO. It'll just come back to bite both of you in the rump.
Do you have an impression that typically esfj guys are sensual and inclined to infidelity?

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Do you have an impression that typically esfj guys are sensual and inclined to infidelity?

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Hm, I don't know. I'd be inclined to say no, from my experience with ESFJ women, so I'd think ESFJ guys would be similar. However, that's really more a question of upbringing. ESFJ are SJ traditionalists, so how they were raised the values instilled in oneself is how they'll grow up to be. So, if one were raised to be monogamous and faithful to their spouse, then they likely will be. However, if the person didn't come from such a wholesome background, then perhaps not.

Still, from what you've written, if I were you, I'd stay away. It sounds like he's very unhappy in his long distance relationship and may want to try to use you to get his girlfriend to break it off and have you to blame for it.

So beware.
 

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Discussion Starter #24
Hm, I don't know. I'd be inclined to say no, from my experience with ESFJ women, so I'd think ESFJ guys would be similar. However, that's really more a question of upbringing. ESFJ are SJ traditionalists, so how they were raised the values instilled in oneself is how they'll grow up to be. So, if one were raised to be monogamous and faithful to their spouse, then they likely will be. However, if the person didn't come from such a wholesome background, then perhaps not.

Still, from what you've written, if I were you, I'd stay away. It sounds like he's very unhappy in his long distance relationship and may want to try to use you to get his girlfriend to break it off and have you to blame for it.

So beware.
We're both guys, you know hmmm, haha. But I'm more open about it than he is.

But I guess he's just unhappy. Such a bad reason to do that to me. Makes me think how manipulative he is.

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We're both guys, you know hmmm, haha. But I'm more open about it than he is.

But I guess he's just unhappy. Such a bad reason to do that to me. Makes me think how manipulative he is.

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Yeah, long distance relationships are hard. Yeah, I would suggest staying away.
 

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Discussion Starter #27
Hi. I'd like to ask how one would react to this:

So, as previously mentioned he's already part of our study group. I felt like our friends are trying to bridge us - reconciliation perhaps, which could be primarily coming on his end. Evidently, they know something, I just don't know how or from whom.

The thing is, they're teaching him on how to approach me. For instance, when he's around they'll do certain things with me that makes me open up socially or brighten my mood. If he's not around, they'll try to mention him in passing on a conversation.

Now, unintuitive as he is, lacking enough foresight, he is mimicking them. To make things more difficult, he does it when people are around. It could be he's displaying to others that we're in good terms or maybe so I can't ignore or snap at him.

I'm just afraid he'll try to manipulate me again for his goody goody ego or romanticize things and drop me like a hot potato again. Why is he trying to redeem things?

It's so petty for me to ask, but how would one deal with it?

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I'd say you can try to build a small support group of people who can vouch for your reputation if that's required. That's what I do to survive. This way, even if he badmouths you to someone important, you can have people to back you up.

Confrontation isn't a bad idea depending on how much crying and drama and apologizing you can take. I personally have low tolerance for that. Best advice I can give is just ignore him.

Maybe you could just try to form another study group, if that works? A solid plan would be you can tell the ESFJ "everything is okay" without actually meaning it. He could just be a kind person being unintentionally rude. In which case, he would back off. I would only start worrying if it escalates to bullying, in which case you should start worrying about self preservation.
 

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Discussion Starter #30
It's silly but I thought it would be good to get some thoughts on this:

I was on my way to study, buying coffee to start the morning. When somebody poked my shoulder, to my surprise it was him. He kinda smiled with an ambivalent expression, though as a natural reaction I immediately said Hi. He also bought coffee, which is unusual because it makes him uncomfortable with raised blood pressure and palpitations. I didn't want to be blatantly rude, so I casually asked where he'll sit so we can join. To make the story short, he helped me study that day.

These are the points I want to dig further:
1. He had the courage to approach me.
2. He pretended to drink coffee despite its effect on him.
3. He voluntarily offered his notes for me to read at home.
4. He reviewed my work and gave feedback.
5. He had to take a selfie with me and post it on our groupchat.
6. He privately messaged me despite me saying to send notes in the groupchat.
7. I don't know if it's fitting to say, but he generally acts too kind to me.

8. What's off though is he hides his phone away when using his messenger. I sometimes see him chat with his girlfriend, but sometimes I'm not sure if it was some other girls - trust issues here.

9.1 Maybe he's bored with LDR and wants the goody feel from me.
9.2 Maybe he wants to make things right with me again.

Should I put this to an abrupt halt or do I let things flow? I'm sure though he will romanticize sooner or later, which will put me in a disadvantage again. I don't have much hope this anyway.

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I don't think it's reasonable to be mad at someone for being nice to you. I say let it go for now. Just be very unavailable and if he gets flirty, just openly say you're not interested. Don't be afraid to take steps for self preservation, like blocking him if it gets to it. But it seems okay so far, to me.
 

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Discussion Starter #32
I don't think it's reasonable to be mad at someone for being nice to you. I say let it go for now. Just be very unavailable and if he gets flirty, just openly say you're not interested. Don't be afraid to take steps for self preservation, like blocking him if it gets to it. But it seems okay so far, to me.
I'm currently in a battle between taking his past actions against me and let him sulk in regret, or take things in a new slate and start anew.

I may have been too focused on myself as a natural way of protection, I may have missed the real reason on his end, why he had to do all those.

It's just to hard to give him the benefit of the doubt again. Given the facts I have against him.

And it's too unconventional for one to keep on pursuing me in such a way, if there is no ulterior motive behind it.

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Discussion Starter #33
I just want to vent out my frustration, I've always been left out by my workmates when they have outings. I'm never invited, I've always noticed that they always choose him to attend instead of me. I know I'm different, but I try my best not to be dissociative. I never start issues nor talk ill of anyone, but at the end of it all, they never choose me to be with them.

I'm just sad about it and I can't complain to anyone at work because I will be ridiculed.

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Discussion Starter #35
Hey @chelon

I'm really sorry to read that :sad:

Internet hugs coming your way.

Has the situation with Mr ESFJ improved any?
Thank you. Yes, he did actually for a period of time. I posted an event on this thread on how he treated me very kindly. Like before, when he didn't have a girl yet. But what does he expect from me; Just shove the almost 2 years that we were passive aggressive towards each other? So he distanced himself again, a little bit playing safe again.

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It's very hard for an INTJ to deal with ESFJs in an straight forward way... Unless you blackmail him, make him go to jail, or get fire blah blah ...

The best solution here is totally avoid him. Never meet him again.

I once share room with an immature ESFJ. Such a pain in the ass. Thank God It's all over now. He judged my lifestyle, talking too much and too much, did not respect my space, my alone time. And when I told him to shut up, refuse being manipulate, then he became passive aggressive, mocking me and all bullshit stuff...
 

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I just want to say that in a fight between an ESFJ and an INTJ, I'll be cheering for the ESFJ. And I want to say to the aforementioned ESFJ: "Kick'em in the nuts!" :)
 

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Discussion Starter #40
That was unexpected :rolling:
Yeah. Coz he's really receptive to me. And he makes it known to me when he gets jealous - covertly though. For instance, we were travelling and just enjoyed our legs and arms touching each other, when I started talking to the person on my other side he sat straight and moved away from me. It surprised me. Another example, when I was using his powerbank, he didn't want my phone to be removed while walking, so I had to walk beside him and put my hand on his shoulder near me coz i was carrying the phone while it was charging in his hand. But, I make it obvious that I am not bothered about his girl anymore and we can just be good buddies, but just not to lead me on.

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