Personality Cafe banner

1 - 13 of 13 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hello! I made a thread way back when regarding how unwanted attention really drains me. My life has since taken some turns, some for the better and some for the worse, but that's life and I can handle that.

I got accepted to a sort of college where I now study and I really like it, it's the first time I genuinely enjoy going to school... until this week. The thing is, I live in my own world, I've molded and created my own reality in such a manner necessary for me to cope with the "real" world. I'm very abstract now and I'm aware of that and I do apologize but I can't really explain it.

I've kept to myself as I always do and always have been comfortable doing but now some of the more, and don't want to sound condescending, extroverted people who are a bit more outgoing than me have insisted that I join them for lunch, hang around them on breaks and such. It is a nice gesture, absolutely, but I don't really care for these people, they mostly make me feel exhausted. One person in particular is very keen on getting a grip on me, we were assigned a task this week which could be done in pairs or individually. This person quickly yells my name and says suggest that we work together, whereas I would have much rather worked alone, but being the person that I am, I couldn't really say no. That day made me so tired that I really couldn't go to school the next day, I was way too drained of energy and, to my dismay, shame and... distaste for this person.

I enjoy(ed) taking a walk through a park that's on the way to the subway I ride on my way home but now this person insist on even quitting lessons early so he/she can walk with me, I get permission from our teacher to leave a few minutes early to catch my train but this person doesn't even ride the subway.

I feel like such a wiener but *ARGH* why do people like this latch on to me all the time?! I'll finish this assignment and then keep to myself. I feel like I've got mental leeches because of people like these.

Do you have any advice?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
172 Posts
Hello there.

I don't really have any great advice for you, but it seems this one person in particular really seems to like being around you! I had a friend like that back in my college days. He was pretty loud and in my face all the time and it made me pretty uncomfortable. He would make me the center of attention in group situations and tease me in a big-brother sort of way. Looking back on it, he was a very unique person in my life. I'm glad I got to know him but it was pretty tough at first.

I mean, if you can't tolerate his/her person's presence i'm not sure what I would do in your shoes. I would just be flattered if someone were like that with me :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
934 Posts
It's one thing to be private, it's however another to be disrespectful. Do not cross the line and go into the area of the latter.

One can't live themselves with "all me" or "all them" kind of extreme, there has to be a balance somewhere. Whether or not you're an introvert or an extrovert would dictate on where you set the balance line due to the presence of an innate bias, but that's acceptable as long as you actually attempt to juggle the 2 polar opposites of life instead of completely fixated on one and one only. Much like one shouldn't live by eating just 1 type of food, it's unhealthy to just rely on exactly 1 form of social relationship or the lack of it.

Having friends is good, having people that gravitate towards you is fortune. I understand that you have some need for personal space, but you shouldn't just waste and ditch them either.

You could always clarify and negotiate with the person, no need to condemn and call them leeches. That's just not cool.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
458 Posts
my opinion..
you have to be really careful now, in evaluating who is this person in heart. maybe s/he is a great potential friend for you, maybe s/he's got a crush for you..?
or maybe - they will be a pain in the *ss. I have had a "friend" who practically forced upon me as a friend, using and taking advantage of my politeness and kindness, not being able to say - no.
take a look how other people react to this person - if they are in good terms and socially well received, you got a normal person who likes you for being you. my opinion is that it's something valuable - but do wahtever you want of course.
if people avoid this person and find her/him pushy or too intense, I would recommend taking a step back and explicitly show them they are not welcome as your company. it might be rude but trust me in some cases it's the only way not to get stuck with unwanted "friend" that drains your energy (a leech as someone above said)

if they are ok, and "normal", and if you like them even a little bit, try explaining them in a few words that you like being or doing something alone. maybe a short sentence will do, if they are ok they will get it.

look, whatever you do don't be too rude, and do not agree to being taking advantage of.
however you handle it, try being pretty explicit but in short explanations.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
676 Posts
I would be as honest as possible with them. Tell them exactly what you told us, explain to them that your prioritize your "me" time. Explain to them that this doesn't mean i don't like you its just that id rather take you in dosages.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
57 Posts
Social situations also make me feel drained. And I like to avoid them, I have to say, you never know what's going on with other people, they may not be able to afford the priveledge of appearing to be the eccentric, maybe they've been dragged into conformity and inside their every bit as creative,imaginative and poetic as you feel you are.
While someone who appears to be that on the outside is just a kid who has the money and privilege to buy that look...while actually just being nothing like it where it counts. Sounds like you need to learn some patience and empathy, which life will teach you. So, why did I even bother replying to your need to vent?

Sent from my SM-G550T using Tapatalk
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
58 Posts
I'm very abstract now and I'm aware of that and I do apologize but I can't really explain it.

I've kept to myself as I always do and always have been comfortable doing but now some of the more, and don't want to sound condescending, extroverted people who are a bit more outgoing than me have insisted that I join them for lunch, hang around them on breaks and such.
First of all, don't feel bad about being yourself. You're you and no one else is, which gives you a pretty distinct advantage when it comes to knowing what you want and how you feel.

Second, I have had similar experiences to what you describe, and I'm guessing that many of our community of INFPs has, also.

Third, you actually did a pretty good job of explaining "it."

It sounds to me like you'd prefer to stay nestled in your own little world and not expend any energy to see what's going on outside of it. That's by no means a "bad" thing- if it's what you want to do. But it does limit your future options.

Explorers didn't know the Americas existed until they decided to cross the oceans and figure out what else was out there. Sure, they wanted to find wealth beyond their wildest dreams, or prove the earth wasn't flat, but a lot of their reasoning was also rooted in just expanding on their understanding of - and place in the world.

What happens when you run out of building options or ideas for your own little world? What happens when something in the outside world causes problems in your own world? In order to better develop and maintain your own world, you will need to at least be able to function somewhat in the outside world, right?

My advice is to get out of your world a bit- with the idea of expanding it.
Just talk to the people at lunch a bit and either tell them how you are feeling about them or the situation, or that you're just not interested.

Same with the person after school.

You can be assertive or laid back, formal or casual. These situations are actually extremely controlled, and if you have any interest in expanding your world, or inviting others into your world, or expanding your understanding of the outside world (if only just to better equip your own), I would go for it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Having friends is good, having people that gravitate towards you is fortune. I understand that you have some need for personal space, but you shouldn't just waste and ditch them either.

You could always clarify and negotiate with the person, no need to condemn and call them leeches. That's just not cool.
I agree with you, English isn't my native language so there might be somewhat of a language barrier because I didn't mean to come across as if I am being rude or neglectful towards this person, because I'm not. I am positive and nice because I prefer that to be the mood and atmosphere of the entire group even though I might feel differently.

I've never called anyone a leech in person, it was meant as a metaphor in the sense that certain peoples energies and personalities leave such an impact on me that I can feel the "effect" of them despite them not being around me at the moment. Like today, I wasn't at school today but still felt drained and exhausted because of yesterday and that's what I meant with leeches. Like having leeches in your mind draining energy from you, not that the person in question is a leech, of course not! Sorry if it came out that way, it was a poor choice of words on my part.

This education requires me to create and deliver and I need to be creative and I know myself well enough that I know that I work best in my own private little space, therefore the frustration when people keep "bothering" me.

I just quoted you but don't feel too pointed out, I've read all the posts currently posted in the thread and I'll take your advice and try to expand my views and try to interact more. Someone said that I could benefit from learning some patience and empathy, while that is true, I think it is for everyone, I do think I am an empathetic person but that statement will unavoidably sound narcissistic.
The thing is, I worked a year to producing works to get accepted to this school, at first I didn't even get accepted but then another student dropped out so I got a spot so I value my current position greatly. I came there to learn as much as I can and improve my skills so I can pursue my dream job (I guess personal improvement is good too), not to make friends.

Sorry, I'm just being honest.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
57 Posts
Thank you for taking the time to explain, I admit I made some wrong assumptions about you, and your current situation, I'm sorry. You seem to be a very thoughtful and good natured person.
Not to mention, English not being your first language, which you do very well with. I think it's another case of this, online texting thing, being so easy to miscommunicate.
Wishing you we'll I'm your schooling and social life too.

Sent from my SM-G550T using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
934 Posts
I agree with you, English isn't my native language so there might be somewhat of a language barrier because I didn't mean to come across as if I am being rude or neglectful towards this person, because I'm not. I am positive and nice because I prefer that to be the mood and atmosphere of the entire group even though I might feel differently.

I've never called anyone a leech in person, it was meant as a metaphor in the sense that certain peoples energies and personalities leave such an impact on me that I can feel the "effect" of them despite them not being around me at the moment. Like today, I wasn't at school today but still felt drained and exhausted because of yesterday and that's what I meant with leeches. Like having leeches in your mind draining energy from you, not that the person in question is a leech, of course not! Sorry if it came out that way, it was a poor choice of words on my part.

This education requires me to create and deliver and I need to be creative and I know myself well enough that I know that I work best in my own private little space, therefore the frustration when people keep "bothering" me.

I just quoted you but don't feel too pointed out, I've read all the posts currently posted in the thread and I'll take your advice and try to expand my views and try to interact more. Someone said that I could benefit from learning some patience and empathy, while that is true, I think it is for everyone, I do think I am an empathetic person but that statement will unavoidably sound narcissistic.
The thing is, I worked a year to producing works to get accepted to this school, at first I didn't even get accepted but then another student dropped out so I got a spot so I value my current position greatly. I came there to learn as much as I can and improve my skills so I can pursue my dream job (I guess personal improvement is good too), not to make friends.

Sorry, I'm just being honest.
Here is a little quote from a character in an anime (quoting from an anime might seem like some child's play at first glance, but not really thesedays):

"You should enjoy the little detours. To the fullest. Because that's where you'll find the things more important than what you want." - Ging Freecss.

And I personally think it's rather true.

While it's undoubtedly true that if one needs privacy, then they need that privacy. But one should still be more open to new nuances, without simply throwing themselves away that is. You're not wrong in trying to forward your stance and feeling frustrated when it's intruded. However as what I was talking about, a fairer balance should be strived for.

That is what I think anyway. Not saying you're doing a bad job, not at all, just that we could do better.
 
Joined
·
5,146 Posts
Hello! I made a thread way back when regarding how unwanted attention really drains me. My life has since taken some turns, some for the better and some for the worse, but that's life and I can handle that.

I got accepted to a sort of college where I now study and I really like it, it's the first time I genuinely enjoy going to school... until this week. The thing is, I live in my own world, I've molded and created my own reality in such a manner necessary for me to cope with the "real" world. I'm very abstract now and I'm aware of that and I do apologize but I can't really explain it.

I've kept to myself as I always do and always have been comfortable doing but now some of the more, and don't want to sound condescending, extroverted people who are a bit more outgoing than me have insisted that I join them for lunch, hang around them on breaks and such. It is a nice gesture, absolutely, but I don't really care for these people, they mostly make me feel exhausted. One person in particular is very keen on getting a grip on me, we were assigned a task this week which could be done in pairs or individually. This person quickly yells my name and says suggest that we work together, whereas I would have much rather worked alone, but being the person that I am, I couldn't really say no. That day made me so tired that I really couldn't go to school the next day, I was way too drained of energy and, to my dismay, shame and... distaste for this person.

I enjoy(ed) taking a walk through a park that's on the way to the subway I ride on my way home but now this person insist on even quitting lessons early so he/she can walk with me, I get permission from our teacher to leave a few minutes early to catch my train but this person doesn't even ride the subway.

I feel like such a wiener but *ARGH* why do people like this latch on to me all the time?! I'll finish this assignment and then keep to myself. I feel like I've got mental leeches because of people like these.

Do you have any advice?
That is besides avoiding these people? Are you normally energized when you are alone? What gives you energy? Do you do a lot of it?

I'm an extrovert but unless the conversation includes brainstorming something interesting to me (Ne-fi) or talking about humaneness, human condition, etc (Fi), it usually also exhausts me because I end up using Te and Si a lot without much energy getting generated.

It's one thing to be private, it's however another to be disrespectful. Do not cross the line and go into the area of the latter.

One can't live themselves with "all me" or "all them" kind of extreme, there has to be a balance somewhere. Whether or not you're an introvert or an extrovert would dictate on where you set the balance line due to the presence of an innate bias, but that's acceptable as long as you actually attempt to juggle the 2 polar opposites of life instead of completely fixated on one and one only. Much like one shouldn't live by eating just 1 type of food, it's unhealthy to just rely on exactly 1 form of social relationship or the lack of it.

Having friends is good, having people that gravitate towards you is fortune. I understand that you have some need for personal space, but you shouldn't just waste and ditch them either.
It doesn't mean anything if interaction with them drains him of energy to such extreme level.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
934 Posts
It doesn't mean anything if interaction with them drains him of energy to such extreme level.
That doesn't mean they should avoid it like the plague because interactions drains them so much.

If you find veggies and fruits not tasteful, do you not eat them altogether?

As I've said, one can't live on the extremes, a balance needs to be found somewhere.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I do interact with people and I have friends, close ones. I'm not necessarily a reclusive person, though I might have come of that way in my post. I just find extremely frustrating and draining when people I don't "like" or connect with wont leave me alone, I understand the need for interaction with other people and I do do that, it's just that this person is keen on interacting with me a lot and the feeling is clearly not mutual.

I kept in mind what someone said earlier in the thread regarding how others react towards this person and most of them seem to keep their distance. Since I'm the new kid in school I became, in this persons eyes, a potential friend. I sympathize with this person in the sense that s/he doesn't seem to have that many friends, I guess s/he have go two at school, they, however never really talk to me. But I just can't connect and it drains me.
 
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
Top