[BlackPixy13]

I've read a few times that the INFP/ENFJ relationship is ideal, and I've read up on your type and it makes a lot of sense to me. You're type even happens to be the type I seem to find myself daydreaming about (Saying this is a lot more embarrassing on a non-INFP forum). But I don't know any ENFJ's as far as I'm aware.

My first question is: What do you think of this couple? Do you have any experience? What problems do you think could arise? Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Second: Where do you guys hang out and what do you like doing in your spare time? What are some signs that you're an ENFJ?

Third: Should we approach you or let you approach us? How should we approach you? What's too forward or too reserved in your opinions?

Fourth: How do we know if you're in a bad mood? How do we tell if it's our fault? How do we make you feel better?

Fifth: What is romance to you? How do we tell if you're interested? Do you like to ask or do the asking to start a relationship? What about casual dating vs. exclusive? What do you expect out of a lover and how do you act with them?

Anything else would be appreciated, as well as any stories you have.

I know you guys are secretive, but they're all things that I've been wondering. You don't have to answer anything you don't want to. I spend most of my time on the INFP forum where we jump at the chance to talk about all of this. Thank you.

 

[fossil2]

1 - I'm an ENFJ with an INFP sister, so I tend to think of INFP as sibling types. That said, I have a lot of fun with INFP friends and the connection there is uncanny. I thought it was just a sister thing (people look at us and say IT'S LIKE YOU'RE SPEAKING IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE) but I met an INFP boy and we have the same instant understanding thing there (as well as enabling each other in a good way). For someone who isn't in the sibling zone, I can see how that connection would translate to a great romantic partnership. I find that INFPs are my favourite go-to people when I'm fleshing out ideas.

2 - I love being outside for sports, adventuring in my car, hanging out in bookstores and coffee shops. I spend a lot of time at work, too (a non-profit).

3 - Approach us, for sure. If we haven't approached you, it's not because we have a secret agenda! A friendly conversation is always welcome.

4 - I don't get mad easily or often. Sometimes I need space/alone time for my own personal sanity. The times I get frustrated with INFPs are when they rely on me to always initiate things. ALSO, the INFPs I know tend to believe the things they believe with ferocity (which is admirable) but they sometimes seemingly pull the facts out of thin air.

5 - I tend to be a very practical person. I'm not at the point in my life where I'm looking for a serious long-term relationship but at the same time. I don't mind casual dating in THEORY, but they never seem to stay at just that for some reason? I'm pretty hardcore into the Jane Austen school of interpersonal drama.

Also, I like people to be very direct with their intentions. I've missed out on several potentially great relationships because the other party involved hovered awkwardly and implied things, and I didn't realize what was actually happening until it was too late. I.E. If you stand over my desk at work, talking loudly about a movie you want to go see, and I don't insert myself into your plans, it's not because I'm rejecting you! It's because I was stressed out about work things and you never asked! Ohhh ESFJs.

 

[BlackPixy13]

2 - Outside is a great place, but my interest is directed more toward climbing trees or playing pretend (I rule as an adult) than playing sports. Bookstores and coffee shops are a major yes for most INFP's.

3 - Oh dear, I should have guessed. Maybe this is why I don't know any ENFJ's.

4 - Ouch...

5 - Jane Austen! That's great. I'm a little obsessed. I personally can't do casual dating, but I do have an INFP friend that does.

For the last part, that makes a lot of sense. I'm just as dense. But the INFP's I know and myself don't do that. When we do we make it obviouos that we're doing it just for laughs, like poking and laughing and eye wiggles. But that's good to know, about the stress.

Thank you for your time.

 

[Jojo]

I've read a few times that the INFP/ENFJ relationship is ideal, and I've read up on your type and it makes a lot of sense to me. You're type even happens to be the type I seem to find myself daydreaming about (Saying this is a lot more embarrassing on a non-INFP forum). But I don't know any ENFJ's as far as I'm aware.

First question: What do you think of this couple? I think we are very compatible.
Do you have any experience? A little. What problems do you think could arise? ENFJ can sometimes lose focus on their mate.We are flirty. We can also sometimes invade peoples space.



Second: Where do you guys hang out and what do you like doing in your spare time? I say social functions, maybe church groups, but definitely the hip places. What are some signs that you're an ENFJ? We talk to everyone and try to brighten up a room. We seem like we know everybody even if you are a complete stranger.

Third: Should we approach you or let you approach us? I say if you approach us that it is bonus points because we fear rejection. How should we approach you? I like the direct approach but humor wins me over almost every time. What's too forward or too reserved in your opinions? Everything is game as long as it isn't obnoxious and rude.

Fourth: How do we know if you're in a bad mood? Just me. You will know. I won't talk to you. Nor anyone. Most likely if I am in a bad mood I will warn you in advance to proceed with caution. How do we tell if it's our fault? Usually if its our fault guilt kicks in and we apologize.How do we make you feel better? compliment, hugs, and hi-fives

Fifth: What is romance to you? Doing the little things people don't usually notice. How do we tell if you're interested?I will talk your ear off. Or I try to talk your ear off and its incoherent I blush then run off with my tail between legs. Do you like to ask or do the asking to start a relationship? I prefer you ask because I hate rejection. What about casual dating vs. exclusive?Exclusive What do you expect out of a lover and how do you act with them? Extreme loyalty, patience with my short attention span, and someone who appreciates a quirky nature.

Anything else would be appreciated, as well as any stories you have.

I know you guys are secretive, but they're all things that I've been wondering. You don't have to answer anything you don't want to. I spend most of my time on the INFP forum where we jump at the chance to talk about all of this. Thank you.

 

[BlackPixy13]

First question: What do you think of this couple? I think we are very compatible. Do you have any experience? A little. What problems do you think could arise? ENFJ can sometimes lose focus on their mate.We are flirty. We can also sometimes invade peoples space.

Understandable from an extrovert. Something a lot of us have trouble understanding, expecially in our younger years and if we're going through a tough time. I wish every ENFJ/INFP relationship the best in this matter.

Second: Where do you guys hang out and what do you like doing in your spare time? I say social functions, maybe church groups, but definitely the hip places. What are some signs that you're an ENFJ? We talk to everyone and try to brighten up a room. We seem like we know everybody even if you are a complete stranger.

Ah, the dreded social function. And I keep wondering how it's possible that I don't know a single ENFJ. Being social is good, but it can make us feel uncomfortable. A bit intimidated too.

Third: Should we approach you or let you approach us? I say if you approach us that it is bonus points because we fear rejection. How should we approach you? I like the direct approach but humor wins me over almost every time. What's too forward or too reserved in your opinions? Everything is game as long as it isn't obnoxious and rude.

Now I can't help but wonder about your sense of humor? Does it corospond with ours? There's nothing I hate more(Okay, that's a right out lie) than when I try to make a joke and no one else gets it/finds it funny. So awkward.

Fourth: How do we know if you're in a bad mood? Just me. You will know. I won't talk to you. Nor anyone. Most likely if I am in a bad mood I will warn you in advance to proceed with caution. How do we tell if it's our fault? Usually if its our fault guilt kicks in and we apologize.How do we make you feel better? compliment, hugs, and hi-fives.

This seems to be something our types have in common. And I think you misunderstood what I mean by our fault. I mean the INFP, or whatever other type you're interacting with. But those are always things we can do. Unless we don't want to touch you. In that case, the relationship is probably in trouble.

Fifth: What is romance to you? Doing the little things people don't usually notice. How do we tell if you're interested?I will talk your ear off. Or I try to talk your ear off and its incoherent I blush then run off with my tail between legs. Do you like to ask or do the asking to start a relationship? I prefer you ask because I hate rejection. What about casual dating vs. exclusive?Exclusive What do you expect out of a lover and how do you act with them? Extreme loyalty, patience with my short attention span, and someone who appreciates a quirky nature.

Aw, people who get flustered are adorable. So much better than the people who try to make you think they can't do anything wrong. Nothing attractive about that. And adorable is a good thing, by the way. Just one of those words I use when my tummy churns. As in butterflys, but not quite. I can't get these words out right today. Loyalty is built into the INFP, our attention spans are just as short, and quirty nature? One of my nicknames is "alien".


I appologize for any misspellings. I didn't use a spell check today.

 

[Jojo]

Now I can't help but wonder about your sense of humor? Does it corospond with ours? There's nothing I hate more(Okay, that's a right out lie) than when I try to make a joke and no one else gets it/finds it funny. So awkward.

I am a very visual story teller and I try to very witty. I will use diffferent voices, faces, and physical actions to make you laugh. I use to be a stand-up comic and I called a radio station once. The guy put me on air and goes so your a stand-up comic. I say yes and he goes so tell me a joke.I tell him don't know any jokes. I told him I make people laugh I don't do a jokes. Stand-up comics get that. Epic fail. I do try to get you to laugh at the most inopportune times too!

This seems to be something our types have in common. And I think you misunderstood what I mean by our fault. I mean the INFP, or whatever other type you're interacting with. But those are always things we can do. Unless we don't want to touch you. In that case, the relationship is probably in trouble.

I meant we take the fault. We will apologize even if it isn't our fault. I don't think we place blame very well. We feel bad about the smallest things sometimes.

 

[saccharomyces]

well, my current boyfriend turns out to be an infp, from what i have gathered now that we've been together for more than a year, even though initially he told me he was an enfp. i might be wrong in my assumption that he's actually an infp, but i have shitloads of "evidence", and, well, from what a friend of mine, who's kind of like an expert in socionics for me, has told me, i guess it could really be true that an enfj-enfp couple couldn't possiby last that long.
i will not answer your questions point by point, because i can see others have already done that, and i have little to no answers to questions like "where can we find you?; what are the signs of being an enfj?" etc, because, i really think that some things just depend on the individual and the fact that i like walking in woods and spend a lot of time there most likely will not help you find any enfjs ^^ but i will tell you my story of a (supposedly) enfj-infp relationship.

i would not call it the perfect couple. it's good, yeah, great even, but it's not "everything you've ever wished for" and an "immediate understanding in everything". for that you need to seek out someone of your own type, or a dual, i guess (have no experience with either, hahah). there's a huge Fe-Fi clash often involved, at least in my experience, where i'm constantly worrying about how my and my boyfriend's actions will affect others and he can never get that. there's always the question coming from him - "why do you care about what others will feel so much"? also, being a Fi means that he's not naturally inclined to show most emotions often, unless he sincerely wants others (including me) to know, so sometimes it's difficult for me to accept that the fact that he's constantly staring in distance does not necessarily mean that he's sad or tired of me. this cause me to ask a lot of dumb questions, like the occasional "are you ok?" which, i can assume, can get annoying for the infp.
the next horrible thing is the rational function difference - me having a Ti and him having a Te, because that means in rational discussions there's a difficulty in understanding, since he always needs the particular, the small detail, the one real experience, whereas i tend to think in models, theories, generalisations. this means a great problem in highly intellectual discussions - i feel he's just stupid, because he does not grasp my advancedm, abstaract models, and he thinks i'm incompetent, because i cannot provide lots or real-life applied examples.
that said, i do not deny the fact that it is a nice match. our N functions perfect each other's, so together we can indulge in the wildest of daydream fantasies, each adding details to the dream that the other would not have thought up but still finds very suitable. also, our sense of humour matches very well, for the most part, though i don't really find making fun of others as acceptable as my infp boyfriend does, but that could be just my trait, not an enfj thing. we feel very relaxed together and can find a million of ways to spend our time, sometimes just doing separate things while being in the same room or so. and, maybe the most attractive of intertype relationship trait in this pairing is that we both often find each other irresistably cute, which smoothes out a lot of possible strife, 'cause we just put up with something we hate just to have those "awwww, you're so cute!" moments.

now, there are a few of your direct questions that i thought i could also answer separately.

Should we approach you or let you approach us? How should we approach you? What's too forward or too reserved in your opinions?
i would not make a move, unless i have a hunch that the other person will not be offended in any way. meaning, i would have to know that you're open for possibilities. the easiest way to get an enfj jump you is pursuing them jokingly. as in, making a joke about how we'd make a great couple or something, because that will definitely work as a hint that it's not forbidden to approach you. very slight hints might not work, because enfjs do tend to become slightly introvert-like when they fancy someone, so that cuts off some of our radars.

What is romance to you? How do we tell if you're interested? Do you like to ask or do the asking to start a relationship? What about casual dating vs. exclusive? What do you expect out of a lover and how do you act with them?
what is romance, hah, that's a great question. to me, romantic relationship is devotion. doing stuff. i want the other person to know how much i'd do for them, and i need them to let me take care of them, and them to take care for me, when i am in need. actually, you could check out this thread for some general outline, if you want to know what enfjs value in partners and, consequently, romance - http://personalitycafe.com/enfj-forum-givers/27326-what-do-you-enfjs-look-significant-other.html
casual vs exclusive - well, i haven't yet met an infp who would be into casual dating. i'm okay with both, though, as long as it suits my partner and they value me the most i actully don't even give a shit about cheating in the general sense, like, having physical intimacy with somebody else, because, well, relationship is one thing, and stuff like sex is a different one, they have some connection, sure, but if having sex with me is not enough for my partner, i don't mind them sleeping with every other person, as long as that des not change my status in the relationship. though i have only met a few people that share my belifs in this, and, surprisingly, the common trait between them (and me as well) was bisexuality. it could be a coincindence, though.

ahh, i think this is already slightly too long to read, so i'll stop here. but i would really like to answer any continuous questions, if you will have any, since helping is so pleasant ^^ actually, if i have some spare time, i might even do some of the other already posed questions, if that is any good for you

 

[Nobleheart]

My first question is: What do you think of this couple? Do you have any experience? What problems do you think could arise? Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

I've dated several INFPs. They are my kryptonite. I LOVE them. As in I've never had a stronger connection with anyone. That said, I've also never had a harder time staying connected with anyone. It's like a very high energy reaction, but also volatile. Over the years, I've learned a lot about how to make this relationship work. INFP + ENFJ cannot work without a lot of maturity on both parts, but if you can make it work, it's amazing, and quite possibly the best of the best.

Second: Where do you guys hang out and what do you like doing in your spare time?

All of the INFPs I ever knew were already into the sorts of things I was, and we had a pretty good sense of just hanging out together. I think this part of the relationship will just work naturally.

Third: Should we approach you or let you approach us? How should we approach you? What's too forward or too reserved in your opinions?

I approached all of my INFPs, but that was because I could sense an attraction between us from across the room. I REALLY wouldn't have minded if they did the approaching, nor would it have changed anything. You'll very likely just feel the connection between the two of you before anything else, and that connection will resolve itself in you two talking. With this, I say just let it happen naturally. It doesn't matter how. It's going to happen.

Fourth: How do we know if you're in a bad mood? How do we tell if it's our fault? How do we make you feel better?

I don't think it is possible for an ENFJ to hide a bad mood. We try, but we fail. I've been told that people can actually feel my moods - especially my INFPs. If you're an INFP, and an ENFJ is in a bad mood near you, you will literally feel it.

As for whether or not it is your fault... if you can feel our bad mood it is because you are near us. Therefore it isn't your fault. If you've upset us, we won't be around you for fear of being mean to you because we're mad.

How to make us feel better? Simple. Cuddle us. Be cute as only you INFPs can do. Act like our being upset or in a bad mood hurts your feelings, and we will instantly try to comfort you. Also, once the cuddling is going well, sex us up. ENFJs have a powerful sex drive, even though it is secondary to our feelings, and we try really hard to keep it under control... I can assure you, sex with the person we love will fix any bad mood.

What is romance to you?

The most important thing in the universe.

How do we tell if you're interested?

Oh you'll know. We won't be able to stop paying attention to you, flirting with you, and wanting your attention. Okay, that's how we treat everybody, but you'll feel us wanting you. I promise.

Do you like to ask or do the asking to start a relationship?

I don't at all care who does the initiating. However, something very important about ENFJs... we hate to make people uncomfortable, so if you want us, don't play hard to get. If we think it will upset you, we won't try, no matter how much we want you. If you want us, smile at us, and seem open to us approaching you. Also, be ready for a little bit of a phase where we're testing to see if you're really open to us being romantic with you. And if you want an ENFJ to get closer to you, ask us for help. We have trouble saying no to people we don't like. When we are interested in someone, we're actually giddy at the chance to help them.

What about casual dating vs. exclusive?

I don't know about the other ENFJs, but I don't really like casual dating so much. It's like one of those necessary evils in life. You have to go through it to get to know people, but the only real goal for me is to find someone to be exclusive with.

What do you expect out of a lover and how do you act with them?

Be ready for your ENFJ to be more demanding of you than you're ready to give when it comes to the relationship. We want exclusivity and connection. My INFPs all had issues with me wanting too much for them to not be the free spirits you are. Also, be aware that if we feel like you're not willing or able to give us exclusivity, we will pull away often without any warning. Note, I said "if we feel like". This means if you give us signals like you're interested in other people, we'll drop you like a hot potato until you come back around and make us consider the possibility again - which we'll usually be happy to do. Several of my INFPs told me that they wanted me to chase them harder, so they tried to make me jealous. BIG mistake. When they mentioned other guys, I walked.

When I'm with someone, I adore them. They're my world. I expect them to try to be the best that they can, though. However, trust me when I say this, when an INFP and an ENFJ are together it's magical... until it isn't, and then it's explosive. The trick is to learn how to avoid the explosive by accepting each other for who you are. The magic is definitely worth it.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Third: Should we approach you or let you approach us? I say if you approach us that it is bonus points because we fear rejection. How should we approach you? I like the direct approach but humor wins me over almost every time. What's too forward or too reserved in your opinions? Everything is game as long as it isn't obnoxious and rude.

Do you like to ask or do the asking to start a relationship? I prefer you ask because I hate rejection.

Uh oh - I think this is why so many INFPs & ENFJs report missed opportunities on romantic connections with one another.... :tongue:

the next horrible thing is the rational function difference - me having a Ti and him having a Te, because that means in rational discussions there's a difficulty in understanding, since he always needs the particular, the small detail, the one real experience, whereas i tend to think in models, theories, generalisations. this means a great problem in highly intellectual discussions - i feel he's just stupid, because he does not grasp my advancedm, abstaract models, and he thinks i'm incompetent, because i cannot provide lots or real-life applied examples.

You're quite sure he is not ISFP? Just speaking for myself, I'm pretty heavily theory-oriented and don't require a lot of real life experience to back a concept. I'm definitely more interested in the general idea than details.
Some facts are nice, but not always required. I find ISFPs need you to relate experiences and provide concrete details more to accept something. This is actually a clash I have with my ESFP boyfriend....I'm more abstract and theoretical & he's more experienced-focused and prefers things to be literal.

 

[Razvan]

Uh oh - I think this is why so many INFPs & ENFJs report missed opportunities on romantic connections with one another.... :tongue:



You're quite sure he is not ISFP? Just speaking for myself, I'm pretty heavily theory-oriented and don't require a lot of real life experience to back a concept. I'm definitely more interested in the general idea than details.
Some facts are nice, but not always required. I find ISFPs need you to relate experiences and provide concrete details more to accept something. This is actually a clash I have with my ESFP boyfriend....I'm more abstract and theoretical & he's more experienced-focused and prefers things to be literal.

Actually to me that made sense, in the way that I saw ENFJs do generalised theories and models and for me to understand them, I had to connect them with personalised experiences form my life or others in order to fully comprehend them. Something like ENFJs say "nature is wonderful and sometimes so romantic" and I say, yes, I went to the mountains saw that awesome blue sky witha carpet of stars, there was no source of light for 3 km and I could see so many stars and when I went to the seaside and saw beautiful sunrises and sunsets and those were so beautiful and romantic. I think an S would go into describing small details like how red the sun was and how violet the sky was and how the sand was hot and the air as it was getting darker was getting colder and so on. (see I'm actually giving an example now to what you said)

Or here's another example that would differentiate me from my ISTJ best friend, I look at a picture of a girl, I see her beautiful smile that says to me that she is a happy person, her deep eyes (so still I look at detailed things to create an abstract model, that she is happy, that she is deep), he sees her big tits. Need anymore examples? :laughing: I don't know how ENFJs see it though. (how they analyse pictures of people)

 

[Oliver]

I have two more questions if somebody's interested in answering. :happy:

How long does it take you guys to allow a significant other full access to your feelings and memories? Would it take longer if you've been badly rejected in the past?

I've never wanted to push my girl into anything so I've been happy to and still am to wait for her to open up. Just recently did she tell me about her experience with her last boyfriend, who had dismissed her for not living up to his (rather skewed) expectations of looks. We've been talking to each other for 5 months now. I know girls who have revealed everything about their latest relationship on the first date.

Also, do you feel pushed to always be happy and always have a smile on your face? Even with your partner?

Right after she told me the story about her ex, she apologized for bringing up a gloomy subject in my presence. It's not the first time. She seems reluctant to show that she can be sad and angry, as well. Of course I tell her that I would always support and care for her in those moments and that she shouldn't be afraid to share them with me, but this avoidance of all things sad also sets her apart from girls I've met before.

Thanks!

 

[thehigher]

yea...... I find that I tend to get along with INFJs and ENFJs more and more as I mature.... if I find myself becoming less mature then they sense it and we don't get along ( at least thats what it looks like from my perspective though Im sure it's more complicated than just that). I don't think an NFJ will ever solve my problems. I do think that they will either affirm or deny me though. The deny part sounds mean but in all honesty it's understandable. They don't know how I function so how can I expect them to fix me? Why is it up to someone else anyway? Well.... I mean it's up to me to mature. So anyway.... I think the paring is a very affirming relationship..... I think someone mentioned that both must be mature in order for it to work well.... and I agree...... it's like halves of a circle...... in order to complete the circle...... you have to be a complete half.


dislaimer: it doesn't work with ANY infp or nfj.... we're all rather different it seems.

 

[saccharomyces]

You're quite sure he is not ISFP? Just speaking for myself, I'm pretty heavily theory-oriented and don't require a lot of real life experience to back a concept. I'm definitely more interested in the general idea than details.

nope, he' s defintely not a sensor. i think it just might be that he relies on his Te more than you do, couldn't that be the case? like, him singling out the function, whereas you use it together with your Ne, which adds the need for generalisation? i've no idea if this makes any sense, but that would my guess at the moment. or it could also be that you're simply more comfortable with theorising, because you feel more confident of your logic ^^
i also have an infp friend who is like a mix of you two (from what you' re saying) - she likes to gather loads of minute details and she understands and loves general theories, but somehow can't link both of these things together, i wonder what that could mean, functionwise.

How long does it take you guys to allow a significant other full access to your feelings and memories? Would it take longer if you've been badly rejected in the past?

Also, do you feel pushed to always be happy and always have a smile on your face? Even with your partner?
Thanks!

ahh, full access to feelings and memories, are you joking?
i don' t know if every enfj feels like this, but i actually believe the quote i once read in my mum' s notebook when i was a litttle kid (she had written it down from somewhere, but i have no idea where, so i don' t know who' s the author) that said something like "nobody should be given more than he can carry, even if he's willing to", in the sense that you shouldn't burden your friends with your troubles, if that is not truly necessary and if you are not 100% sure that it won't be too hard for them.
therefore, i tend to limit how much i tell people and how i do that, and if i really feel i need to lift some emotional weight off my shoulders, i try to split it into parts between a few people. i think it could be because i know if somebody told me all their troubles, i'd get so worked up about it, inwardly, and want to do (and not stop at wanting, but really do!) so much for them, that it would be very exhausting even for me, eventually, and i don't want any precious people of mine getting tired like that because of me.

and i think this connects very well with the question of "feeling pushed to be happy" - i don't think we consciously feel pushed, but it's our own need to try and keep up a positive outlook, exactly because we are not naturally entirely optimistic, like, tend to hope for the best but expect the worst, hehehh. therefore, we try to maintain the atmosphere at least peaceful and neutral, if not exactly jolly, and, of course, the sad stories of our broken selves do not really fit into "jolly", now do they. so we feel the need to apologise if we do bring it up, or make a joke out of it. another thing is that (and i think that this is definitely a very, very enfj trait) we feel responsible of the moods of the people around us: we feel guilty of people being sad, even if we are in no way really connected to the source of the saddness, so we really, really try to perk people up in any way we can, in any situation. and showing our anger or sadness doesn't really help doing that, usually, so those are the emotions that we try to tone down a lot or even ignore the fact that we feel any of that, in order to bring happiness about

the good thing about having a partner, though, is that once i trust them enough, i feel that sometimes i can let my guard down and just let the not-so-pleasant emotions gush out, too. of course, after that i have to make up for the case by doing something special. ^^

and, well, i don't know if this really is an enfj trait, but i know that i really, really dislike talking about previous relationships with my current partner, because i have no idea what reaction that might cause, and there's always risk they might get hurt, even if in my opinion nothing i have said could have caused pain of any kind, or that they might get a wrong impression, like i'm still looking for a way to get the other person, the ex, back (actually happened to me and i was totally thunderstruck by the reaction and didn't know what to do, since one little episode caused a recurring jealousy hurricane from my boyfriend; still trying to get that sorted out)- because i know that i am not really capable to talk badly of anyone i've loved, even if they've treated me in a way that any other person would consider outright evil.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Actually to me that made sense, in the way that I saw ENFJs do generalised theories and models and for me to understand them, I had to connect them with personalised experiences form my life or others in order to fully comprehend them. Something like ENFJs say "nature is wonderful and sometimes so romantic" and I say, yes, I went to the mountains saw that awesome blue sky witha carpet of stars, there was no source of light for 3 km and I could see so many stars and when I went to the seaside and saw beautiful sunrises and sunsets and those were so beautiful and romantic. I think an S would go into describing small details like how red the sun was and how violet the sky was and how the sand was hot and the air as it was getting darker was getting colder and so on. (see I'm actually giving an example now to what you said)

Or here's another example that would differentiate me from my ISTJ best friend, I look at a picture of a girl, I see her beautiful smile that says to me that she is a happy person, her deep eyes (so still I look at detailed things to create an abstract model, that she is happy, that she is deep), he sees her big tits. Need anymore examples? :laughing: I don't know how ENFJs see it though. (how they analyse pictures of people)

That's still a bit literal for me, and I can't say that is how my mind works. I think I would connect the concept to another concept that resonates as true to me, such as a work of art portraying nature as romantic (ie. a poem) that I had an emotional response to. It is something I obviously experienced in an emotional sense, but not a direct connection to the topic. It's more like linking two similar concepts together to derive meaning. I may have even personally experienced nature as very unromantic and still prefer the theory, as I trust experience less than concepts that appeal to my ideals.

nope, he' s defintely not a sensor. i think it just might be that he relies on his Te more than you do, couldn't that be the case? like, him singling out the function, whereas you use it together with your Ne, which adds the need for generalisation? i've no idea if this makes any sense, but that would my guess at the moment. or it could also be that you're simply more comfortable with theorising, because you feel more confident of your logic ^^
i also have an infp friend who is like a mix of you two (from what you' re saying) - she likes to gather loads of minute details and she understands and loves general theories, but somehow can't link both of these things together, i wonder what that could mean, functionwise.

Te may prefer things to make sense externally (as in, does this make sense outside of my own subjective viewpoint?), but I don't see it as being "detail-oriented". ENTJs are described as big picture/visionary people, and they are Te-dom. Detail-oriented often implies sensing, and although any type may be good at something, their way of reasoning is a big clue. Generally, Te & Fe are more focused on external results, and Ti & Fi on underlying principles/ethics, regardless of the results. Where Te can be dismissive, Ti can be pedantic.

For instance, my Te asks that you arrange your thoughts in a clear, logical manner, connecting each thought without too many leaps. It asks less that you provide proof than to ask that what you propose does not contradict a proven truth. Does that make sense? This means I'm often ready to accept well-thought out theories with no external proof as valid possibilities so long as they are not already disproven. Because my Te is inferior, I am especially flexible if it appeals to my feeling of what is important or meaningful, or I can be especially inflexible it it contradicts a value. The experience part comes in when something someone claims directly contradicts something that I've observed empirically. For instance, the idea that "men are unemotional and women are emotional" is bogus to me because I've seen far too many exceptions to make it a valid statement.

I also wouldn't try to boil everything down to function. Frankly, intelligence can play a large part in these issues.

 

[Nobleheart]

I'm a guy, but maybe my answers will be close enough to help you understand and help your girl.

How long does it take you guys to allow a significant other full access to your feelings and memories? Would it take longer if you've been badly rejected in the past?

I have some walls, and when I was younger I had a lot of difficulty opening up about things that I thought might upset someone. It wasn't so much that I wasn't willing to share my feelings as it was a desire to not bring someone else down. The other issue was that I was afraid that if I shared some unpleasant things that someone would not love me. Rejection can seriously have an affect on this, and when I suffered from it, I was very reluctant to do anything to lose someone I cared about.

Over time, and with the help of some good friends, I've learned that honesty is always the best policy, even if it is unpleasant. Once I got over that inhibition that sharing my feelings could hurt someone else, I'm a lot more likely to share them, as it is my nature to express. I now understand that if someone can't handle who I really am, then they're not who I need... but it's taken a lot of growth to get here.

I think what she needs more than anything is reassurance that nothing she says or feels will have an affect on how you feel about her, that you want her to share, and when she does whether good, bad, or indifferent the sharing makes you feel closer to her. She needs you to show her that she's safe in expressing with you, and that you're willing to be patient as she develops the courage to do so. If you can do that, she will very likely love you more than anyone has ever loved you.

I've never wanted to push my girl into anything so I've been happy to and still am to wait for her to open up. Just recently did she tell me about her experience with her last boyfriend, who had dismissed her for not living up to his (rather skewed) expectations of looks. We've been talking to each other for 5 months now. I know girls who have revealed everything about their latest relationship on the first date.

When I am really wounded, I tend to bury my feelings. The one thing that hurts me more than anything is truly loving someone and being betrayed, abandoned, or rejected. However, I am getting the feeling that she is avoiding talking about this subject also because she doesn't want you to feel like her ex is more important to her than you.

I would suggest that you can let her know that she is safe opening up to you, and there's no problem with reminding her about this if she seems like she needs to talk. "Is everything ok? Are you sure? Well, if you want to talk about it, I'm here for you" and then just hold her until she starts talking.

Also, do you feel pushed to always be happy and always have a smile on your face? Even with your partner?

I feel a need to keep them happy, and not bring them down. However, I'm generally happy when I'm around my partner, so it's not an act.

Right after she told me the story about her ex, she apologized for bringing up a gloomy subject in my presence. It's not the first time. She seems reluctant to show that she can be sad and angry, as well. Of course I tell her that I would always support and care for her in those moments and that she shouldn't be afraid to share them with me, but this avoidance of all things sad also sets her apart from girls I've met before.

She's being very direct. She's sorry for possibly bringing you down. She's not afraid to be sad or angry. She's afraid of upsetting you, especially if she's suffering from rejection issues. She's afraid that if you're not happy that you'll leave because as an ENFJ, I'm sure she did everything in her power to keep the last guy happy, and he left her anyway. Now she's trying even harder.

Just love her through it, and I'm certain the walls will come down. You INFPs are great at that. Just don't let yourself worry that it means anything other than she really likes you, and is reluctant to do anything to push you away. I know that can be difficult when you can literally feel her hurting sometimes, but just love her through it. Sometimes just holding us when we hurt is better than anything.

 

[saccharomyces]

I also wouldn't try to boil everything down to function. Frankly, intelligence can play a large part in these issues.

well, heh, intelligence is what i mean when i said that you might be more confident of your logic ^^

anyways, i'm sure you're right and it's not only the functions here, and i haven't really studied all of them deeply, it's just that when i noticed this difference in the two of us, i didn't really tie it to any of the functions, but an infp friend of mine to whom i mentioned it told that it' s definitely his Te, since that' s what the function does, so i just accepted that as the answer, because, well, who'd know what makes an infp do what he does if not an infp ^^ i guess that opinions on infp stuff still differ, even between infps, and that's great, makes life all the more interesting.

 

[Razvan]

That's still a bit literal for me, and I can't say that is how my mind works. I think I would connect the concept to another concept that resonates as true to me, such as a work of art portraying nature as romantic (ie. a poem) that I had an emotional response to. It is something I obviously experienced in an emotional sense, but not a direct connection to the topic. It's more like linking two similar concepts together to derive meaning. I may have even personally experienced nature as very unromantic and still prefer the theory, as I trust experience less than concepts that appeal to my ideals.
.

Well, exactly, you would connect a general concept, like "nature is romantic" to a particular one, especially to one you had emotional ties to. (like the poem or whe work of art) I gave you an idea as to the particular concepts I connect to, since I prefer physical and visual actions, it's normal I would want to experienceit like that. You may prefer verbalised visual concepts, like the poem that you mentioned. We do the same thing only in a personal way to each of us. You can take the multiple inteligences test, if you did not do that already:laughing: and it may explain the difference to why we choose different personal concepts. However, the general idea is the same, we choose particular ones to relate to a general one. That's what I understood from what saccharomyces posted about her boyfriend and this is why I felt I do the same.

 

[Oliver]

Oh wow, big thanks for the answers. It really does make sense the things you write when you think of her personality and how she acts around me. I will have to give this some time to digest.

Of course I was upset when she told be about his ex, but the anger was directed at him and not at her. I hope she wasn't scared of my reaction. Oh, it's not like I turned into the hulk or anything (I'm a really kind, gentle and friendly person to everyone) but one could definitely notice my anger. I don't know if it's an INFP trait, but I fiercely defend my loved ones. It's like a hierarchy; while I do love harmony (both inner and outer) and think of it as my main goal in life, if I am pushed to choose between two people in a situation I'd side 100% with the person closest to me. I'd be happy to push her ex's head down a waste basket if she asked me to, haha.

For me, I'd like to know the sad experiences my partner has been through in order to support them better in the future. It is of course not necessary, but I'm very concerned with the well-being of my partner. I mean, that's why I'm on this forum here asking these questions.

Actually, I might be a bit extra attentive to this girl's needs, because she's obviously been unlucky in love before. I remember another thing now: her first boyfriend from high school is being stalker-obsessive and still calls her trying to get a date. She's 26. It's terrible to hear that she cannot really ignore him, because she seems unable to genuinely dislike someone she has loved before (kind of like what you wrote, saccharomyces) even if the person still hurts her.

It's a bloody shame such a nice and beautiful girl must go through such bad times. Only makes me all the more determined to be the person who can love her in all the ways she deserves.

The INFP-ENFJ match really seems pretty nice, doesn't it?

 

[saccharomyces]

the match really is worth something, yeah. it's kind of like infps are one of the rare types that can genuinely value the not so obvious things in us that we would like people to value, and care for the parts of us and our life that most other types just aren't interested in, generally.

 

[BlackPixy13]

I apologize for disappearing for so long. School started and I got a job, so I literally haven't even had time to read my book.

Jojo - Sarcastic, dark, and occasionally goofy is ours. Julian Barrat (This might not be spelt right, my internet's too slow to load google right now) is brilliant.
Ah. That's both good and a problem. Taking the blame for thing's that aren't your fault tends to get annoying, to me at least. Also, for the less developed INFP, we could start to depend on you, and if anything went wrong we would be left without anything to lean on. But it's good because shifting the blame onto others that don't deserve it is much worse and just means you lack integrity.

saccharomyces - "for that you need to seek out someone of your own type" I cannot see myself with another INFP. I would get so bored. I can't really connect with someone unless they have enough differences to make conversations interesting. My last ex was an INTJ. That was interesting.
"also, being a Fi means that he's not naturally inclined to show most emotions often" My problem with this is that I've learned that other's don't really want to see them. People get mad at us for not showing our emotions, but the smallest hint, just an inch, and they reel back a mile. It's easier just to let everyone think that's all there is.
"this cause me to ask a lot of dumb questions, like the occasional "are you okay?" which, i can assume, can get annoying for the INFP" We love questions! I hate talking about myself because I tend to think no one's listening, so then I just feel awkward. So even if I ask someone a question I won't reply with my own answer like most people do. But when someone asks me things, I get really excited, because I have so much to say. But you're right, being asked if I'm okay all the time would get annoying. But I'm sure we have our annoying habits as well.
"i feel he's just stupid" Ouch. But yeah, I see where you're coming from. When I was asked by someone why I'm always listening to my music I'm honest and say "to drown out the stupid", which they didn't appreciate. But it's just idea's of intelligence. Like, when I hear someone with just a broad theory, I tend to think that they either haven't put much thought into it, or they're just unrealistic, because how are they going to actually do it without the details. But then again, that's could be just because I'm an author and have to make my story lines realistic.
"i don't really find making fun of others as acceptable as my INFP boyfriend does, but that could be just my trait, not an ENFJ thing." I don't think that's an INFP thing, either. I tease my friends, but only to their faces. I can't stand talking behind someones back. There have been a couple occasions where my friends and I have been joking around and the person we were talking about came in and asked us about our conversation and I replied "we were just talking about how you..." and so forth, and my friends were horrified.
"making a joke about how we'd make a great couple or something" I couldn't do that. When I like someone, I try extra hard to make it seem like I don't. Only my best friend would know. In fact, I'll play flirt with everyone except that person.
I could never handle the person I'm with being with someone else physically. INFP's tend to believe that the emotional intimacy makes the physical intimacy more intense. So if the physical isn't good enough, that means the emotional is lacking. ENFP's do, however, tend to have urges outside the relationship. My ex believed that kissing other's was fine as long as it didn't lead to making out and I got pissed. I ice queened him for like, two hours before he finally asked me why.
And there's no such thins as too long unless you get totally off topic. Reply to anything you want. I don't have any more questions based on your response, but reply to anything here.

Nobleheart - "and quite possibly the best of the best" Gah! I feel like you're teasing me. I have such a hard time connecting with people and I want to so bad.
"I approached all of my INFPs" So am I right in assuming this is a gender thing?
"It doesn't matter how. It's going to happen." Here's that detail thing that saccharomyces was talking about. You say it doesn't matter how, but if it's true that it will happen, why hasn't it? Yeah, I know I'm being impatient....
"you will literally feel it." I think this is empathy. I do not have this.
"but you'll feel us wanting you. I promise." *Megablush*
"When we are interested in someone, we're actually giddy at the chance to help them." A good way to test if you're really interested in us. I will make a not of this. Not on paper, 'cause I'd just lose that.
"Be ready for your ENFJ to be more demanding of you than you're ready to give when it comes to the relationship." What exactly do you mean by "demanding"? Like time, attention, and dates? Or more? You don't sound like you'd push. Am I taking demanding the same way that you're meaning it?
"When they mentioned other guys, I walked." What INFP's do you know? My best friend and I (Who's an INFP as well) never do the jealousy thing. INFP jealousy is scary, so we try really hard not to make others feel like that. When I was with my ex, I wouldn't even sit next to another guy without glancing at him to make sure he was okay with it.

saccharomyces again - "i try to split it into parts between a few people" Aw, that makes me sad. I feel very selfish saying this, but I tend to get a little jealous when the person I like tells other people stuff he/she won't tell me. I can't really explain why, but I do.
"I'd get so worked up about it, inwardly, and want to do" The lovely thing about INFP's is that, when you listen to us, you are doing. You're helping us so much, because you're just listening, and we're not the only one's keeping it. When I complain about something that's bothering me and people try to fix it, I just get annoyed. I never tell them anything again. It's just venting. And we can't trust others with our thoughts and emotions, so we don't get to very often. I don't even have a single person to vent to right now, so I'm keeping everything inside. It's literally painful sometimes.
"really dislike talking about previous relationships with my current partner" I talk about them to explain why I am the way I am. Like if you say something totally normal and I retreat into my shell, and you don't understand, you could wind up being hurt. But if I say that it upset me because my ex said that right before he dumped me, then that's something to say. Or if I really wanna do something weird and you wanna know why, and an ex introduced it to me (like my habit of dancing during the credits of movies) I'm not going to lie to you. Or if I saw him doing something with his new girlfriend that we used to do, I might need to vent.

Yay! This thread was so dead, but it's alive. I do admit, I read your replies and I keep thinking "I want one". But I don't think I know any ENFJ's. Nor do I act like an INFP around people I'm not close to, so an ENFJ looking for an INFP wouldn't exactly "spot" me. What do you guys think when you think of an INFP? Like what do you think they would seem like to a stranger?