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A formerly bullied ENFP now feeling cut off

916 Views 3 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  Valkyrie_feathers
OK, long story short: I was bullied hard in the elementary school (my parents were quite wealthy, so the parents gossiped about us with the kids and the kids took it off on me; it doesn't help that I was a HUUUUGE show-off). Everyone made fun of me, called me names, hit me, and both the bullies and the teachers seemed to think I was okay with that because "I was naturally an introvert". I've never felt this was quite right though. Even though my classmates were cruel and abusive, I still felt more "at home" with them around than sitting all alone in my room. I would literally go NUTS without human contact. Despite that, I am and have always been awfully awkward. I don't go to parties. I always feel like everybody just talks crap about me whenever I turn around, even though I've just hugged them a second ago. I'm a jolly bumpkin most of the time around people, even around people I don't know, but I have this terrible fear of being judged and rejected. Or kicked. And everyone calls me an introvert (even though when I talk I won't shut the eff up). They say it's just because I never seem to take initiative with social contacts (even though I try to get them to hang out pretty often; they always say "no") It doesn't help that I've had a depression period that lasted for over 5 years and during that time I had diagnosed myself with a bajilion mental illnesses.

Every MBTI test I've ever taken classified me as an ENFP and for the most part, I agree with that. I love being the inspirer, I I'm passionate about the new and I always see the grass on the other side of the fence no matter how much I jump back and forth. The extrovert part bothers me a little bit though. I KNOW I love people, I KNOW I love being around them and feel drained when I've no one to talk to, but this side of me feels kind of suppressed. Somehow people think that they should back off to "respect my space" because "that's just the way I like it". HELL NO.

How to deal with it? I feel trapped. Whether I'm introvert or not, I DO NOT enjoy being alone, yet I'm forced to play the part, probably because I'm so scarred after the previous school. It's not like I think about those experiences all the time, they just shine through in everything I do and say.

Sheesh, I hope you followed all this crazy talk, I often go with the flow and don't really get straight to the point :p
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I found that leaving high school was like coming out of a chrysalis, I spread my wings when I escaped all the pre-conceptions and could re-invent myself.
@Sai has a very good point about spending time away from these people who bother you and you are paranoid about, and instead finding new people who share your interests in other social circles. Do you play sports? Do you like wildlife? Are you into hiking? Drama? Music? Get out of the high school crowd and make time for spending in new groups of people.

And tone it down a little, the phrase 'no one likes a show off' is true :) We ENFPs over-do it all the time to try and get acceptance, but it can be hard going for everyone else! I had exactly the same issues in school of people getting sick of my exaggerations and gushiness as I tried to win favour and be great friends with everyone. you are not going to be great friends with everyone, but there are going to be some people, potentially not those you currently know, that you will be friends with forever.

In these new groups you are a new person, so be the person you want to be, the person you are when you're not fretting about what you aren't. You have control only over yourself, so be the best you can be.
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