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My girlfriend of 4 years who is an INTP left me 5 months ago to live in New Hampshire with her family. She left me after I couldn't support the life style we were living. She had been unemployed for 8 months and I had been working 50 hour weeks just to maintain. We had a dog and 2 cats. I was so tired every time I came home from work. Everytime I would come home she had just slept for 12 hours and would hate me for not wanting to go out with her.

She had all the time in the world to think about life and use me as I found myself to be the nice guy and overlooked myself. When I came home from work I was drained extrovertly and we would meet on a polar shift of energies. But of course the stress and depression caught up with me and not allowed me to be there as her lover. All I had heard from one of her friends after she left was that she was going to miss how great of a lover I was. Thats all I get?, A I destroyed heart and a compliment as an astounding lover? She ended up visiting her grandparents 2 weeks before the lease was up to our apartment. She came back to florida a week after I had to move everything out of the apartment by myself. I felt like a stepping stone. I did want to mention that a year before we met her father had died in a car accident in New Hampshire.

So after She came back from her trip I was so FUCKING STRESSED about my the way my life was heading. I had to move into a negative family environment. 2 days after she got back from New Hampshire she called me and stated that she was going to move up to New Hampshire for a couple months to get a car and a job and live with her relatives. Then she hung up and refused to answer my phone calls. 2 weeks later she moved up to New Hampshire. She seemed so heartless. She was like I just want to do my own thing and want you to move on. Move on???!!!??? After all that I had invested emotionally for so many years? Fuckin A. Before she left the first time she seemed really eager to get out of the stressful situation that we had found ourselves in.

I kept reassuring her that I would take care of the animals and the move. After she left I felt so used and betrayed. She left on july 1 and I still feel as strongly screwed over by her now as I did then. I feel as if life for me as been alter and I can;t get out of this melancholic, dreamy state of mind I have been in for the last few months. Her birthday is on the 1st of November and I am uncomfortable with it. But she is like on the opposite ends of the country.

She kept telling me that she just wants to be friends and that she was coming back.

I told her 2 months ago that I was feeling betrayed and couldn't stop my emotional depression. I also told her that I couldn't oblige to be a friend and that I hoped she found closer in her fathers passing. I havn't talked to her since. I feel as if my thoughts are floating in space with billy corgan and maynard as passing sound waved entities. Can any one relate?
 

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My girlfriend of 4 years who is an INTP left me 5 months ago to live in New Hampshire with her family. She left me after I couldn't support the life style we were living. She had been unemployed for 8 months and I had been working 50 hour weeks just to maintain. We had a dog and 2 cats. I was so tired every time I came home from work. Everytime I would come home she had just slept for 12 hours and would hate me for not wanting to go out with her.

She had all the time in the world to think about life and use me as I found myself to be the nice guy and overlooked myself. When I came home from work I was drained extrovertly and we would meet on a polar shift of energies. But of course the stress and depression caught up with me and not allowed me to be there as her lover. All I had heard from one of her friends after she left was that she was going to miss how great of a lover I was. Thats all I get?, A I destroyed heart and a compliment as an astounding lover? She ended up visiting her grandparents 2 weeks before the lease was up to our apartment. She came back to florida a week after I had to move everything out of the apartment by myself. I felt like a stepping stone. I did want to mention that a year before we met her father had died in a car accident in New Hampshire.

So after She came back from her trip I was so FUCKING STRESSED about my the way my life was heading. I had to move into a negative family environment. 2 days after she got back from New Hampshire she called me and stated that she was going to move up to New Hampshire for a couple months to get a car and a job and live with her relatives. Then she hung up and refused to answer my phone calls. 2 weeks later she moved up to New Hampshire. She seemed so heartless. She was like I just want to do my own thing and want you to move on. Move on???!!!??? After all that I had invested emotionally for so many years? Fuckin A. Before she left the first time she seemed really eager to get out of the stressful situation that we had found ourselves in.

I kept reassuring her that I would take care of the animals and the move. After she left I felt so used and betrayed. She left on july 1 and I still feel as strongly screwed over by her now as I did then. I feel as if life for me as been alter and I can;t get out of this melancholic, dreamy state of mind I have been in for the last few months. Her birthday is on the 1st of November and I am uncomfortable with it. But she is like on the opposite ends of the country.

She kept telling me that she just wants to be friends and that she was coming back.

I told her 2 months ago that I was feeling betrayed and couldn't stop my emotional depression. I also told her that I couldn't oblige to be a friend and that I hoped she found closer in her fathers passing. I havn't talked to her since. I feel as if my thoughts are floating in space with billy corgan and maynard as passing sound waved entities. Can any one relate?

I can't relate, but I can attest to the fact that life is unfair. Just looking around me, people are losing their jobs, wives, husbands, friends, lovers, moms, dads, brothers, sisters and their general state of minds. I feel like sometimes, I'm losing my mind.

I don't have anything to say to make you feel better, but I can sympathize with your loss. Keep your head up man, don't give up.
 

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I know things can get messy and mean between people quite often, for about 400,000,000 different reasons. I don't know what to say other than - - -> you have a lot of life left ahead of you and I hope it goes better for you, than it's going right now.
 

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Obviously, you're a great guy and a spectacular boyfriend. But you don't deserve to be used like that. I know it's hard to move on after giving so much of yourself, but you should try to find yourself a good girl once you're feeling better. :sad:
 

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I can't relate to this particularly either, but we all have gone through and will go through some tough times. Sometimes that alone helps me when I feel bad - knowing that this is life, and I am far from being the only depressed and sad one in a place where I don't want to be. Things will be better in the future, but only if you believe they will. There will probably come a time in your life when you look back on what you're going through right now and realize that it's nothing but a memory. But only if you let that happen.

And now, perhaps, since it's been months, it might help to go talk to someone about it. Do things for you... whatever you like to do, do more of. Focus on yourself, and try not to wallow in the melancholy and try not to reflect nostalgically on the past. Definitely continue not talking to her, forget her birthday. If you want to feel better, you have to focus on you.
 

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Here's a post I made elsewhere that is somewhat relevant to what you may have experienced. I rarely re-post my own comments and prefer to personalize them.

Every girl I've been with has accepted me unconditionally and even poked fun at my little quirks.

The problem? Most of them couldn't accept themselves. I'm a very supportive guy and the hardships people face never scare me away, it makes me want to hold them even closer. There are so many people I've dated where I watched them grow and overcome so many of their troubles, I felt like it was a privilege to help them through it. Through all this, our bonds would intertwine to unimaginable heights, but you want to know what's ironic about it? They begin to hate themselves for what they put you through. How could they do that to a guy that loves them... they're not good enough.

Those once glossy affectionate eyes they give you every time you smile at them or even flicker as a thought in their mind, turns into a immense level of guilt. You, being that one person that stuck there for them, turn from a symbol of undying love and admiration, into a deep depressing marker of the past. A past that far too many want to escape from.

Virtually every relationship I've been with has almost been the same general idea. The girl starts to feel an overwhelming amount of guilt that becomes destructive to the relationship. For the sake of my own sanity, I've been fortunate enough to realize that we are not meant to be together based on other reasons and I was able to end the relationship at my own whim. While our breakup is usually very difficult for them, I do take a bit of pride that for a certain moment of time, we were able to touch another soul and grow from it.

The hardest journey of them all is finding a soul to touch that you never want to let go of.
I think she may have been in a similar situation with you. Where she essentially feels like shit because you're such a great guy and it just uncovers more of her own negative views on herself. With that in mind, I don't see much of the situation as your fault, although I'm sure there were a few compromises that could have taken place on both ends.

It was also probably for the best that you cut the friendship tie. Perhaps in the future you guys can re-visit it, but it certainly wouldn't be appropriate for now.

When I read...
I was so tired every time I came home from work. Everytime I would come home she had just slept for 12 hours and would hate me for not wanting to go out with her.
I think... 12 hours? That's a pretty cozy life, but anyone that needs that kind of sleep may have some sort of psychological battle within their mind. Also, while I understand you are tired, generally your partner is supposed to be your battery recharger rather than a drain. If she was -not- that for you then there's a pretty big red flag right there.

In the end, based on what I take from what I've read, it clearly seems like it was the best choice to have things end. Honestly, this girl doesn't sound like a catch whatsoever (to put it nicely) and while I'm sure you're not perfect yourself, I think you can make a lot of people happier -and- be appreciated at the same time. I know you're down, but hopefully you can find some sort of excitement in the idea of finding someone so much better for you.

Thanks for sharing,

edit: Grammar fail.
 

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*hugs* I'm so sorry that you are going through such a difficult breakup. It sounds like she really was nowhere near half so vested as you were in the relationship, and that is always hard to realize and come to terms with. I don't like to say it when you're obviously still very hurt by what is essentially her betrayal of your heart, but gem has some good advice in focusing on you and what you need and try to put her out of your mind. She was using you and has moved on, you deserve the time to grieve what was lost, past and future, but it's not a forever thing.

I'll admit that I've been the girl who has ended things and left two men confused and dazed in my wake, which I do feel guilty about but we have moved on. Well, at least my exboyfriend has and I think my soon-to-be-ex husband has started to as well. I had been unhappy with the relationships for months, or years as I was with my soon-to-be-ex husband. Though, to be fair, I was the one that was always working, sometimes two jobs, in order to make things work. Hell, I'm /still/ working two jobs to make up for all the debt that was accrued during my marriage because he was unable/unwilling to find a job, especially one that was "below" him. So, I suppose I was in a similar situation as yourself in that I was being used, but I cut off the relationships because I could see that they were unhealthy and I was getting depressed more frequently with the lows being worse and lasting longer each time.

Depression is not normal, no matter how reasonable it may seem to be feeling that way because of X factors. If you have a support system that truly cares for you, then they will help you to either recover on your own or to find the treatment you need in order to push through. It sounds like you were not receiving what you needed from her, and sad as it is, you are most likely better off without her at this point.

*hugs* I hope you're able to find what you need and that you will be able to get through all the upcoming moments and memories without your heart getting overwhelmed and battered from them.
 

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All I can think about is how happy I am that you are getting out of that relationship.

I know it doesn't feel like that on your end, but you will be way better off without a person like that in your life. You seem to be well aware that she was using you. So stop being so sad! I know loneliness can be hard, but it is way better than being with someone who doesn't value you as you are or who would be so cruel and heartless to you.

I would totally agree with your post title. You just gained your life back :)
 

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It may not feel like it right now, but in the long run, you've dodged a bullet. You are smart to not be friends with her. Friends don't act like that. I agree to focus on your own life and moving forward.
 

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You didn't deserve that. I don't know that her decision was rational, but she went about it in a coldly rational way. There's a lesson - for close personal connections, be wary of coldly rational people.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thank you all for the responses. There are 2 sides to every story. I know I contributed my 50% to the demise of our relationship. I am still up set how everything turned against me so quickly. I was loosing the apartment I could not afford on my own but she would not help financially. Within a period of 3 weeks I lost the majority of my possessions, my apartment, my animals and then the one thing I held so dear to my heart my lover that had pulled away. It was very sudden because she had decided to move to New Hampshire within a week of telling me. I felt like a stepping stone to her life. She refused to talk to me before she left. She literally could not face me after the fact that I agreed that we needed a break. I told her I was ok with her moving away for a few months but I just wanted to say goodbye in person. She wouldn't give me the time of day like I was a piece of shit!!

I had messaged her on Facebook a few weeks after she left and pretty much told her that I was so drained from all of the stress that I went through and all I wanted was for her to be there. I told her that after I had lost the apartment because I could not support our life she just left me when I was used up. I payed 5,000 dollars in her bills and was left with a broken heart and about a thousand in debts. She coldy stated something like "yep!! you know me. I just want you to move on. We can still be friends. I still care about you and really appreciate what you did for me but I want to do my own thing now.". This pushed me over the edge and I had to check into a mental health facility. I was so tapped out and I was running on my introverted autopilot for to long.

I deleted my face book account and literally dropped off the face of the earth from her. I am trying to regain my bearing on what I want to do in life but the romanticized idealization that has been instilled in me won't let me escape my ex's. They are always in my mind as if I am playing out scenarios of past relationships and how I think they should have went. Sometimes I feel as if I can't even cope with my emotions. Every day my insecurities have me crying out for her to come back to my warm arms. I just know that I can't stay friends with her as she is safe on shore and I am sinking into the ocean as she is watching. She used to call me emotionally weak just like my parents and family but there is no such a thing. Emotionally unintelligent fits the bitterness she was projecting towards me.

We both have a lot of self discovery to do but how can an INTP be so heartless towards me after all that I had done for her. I wasn't trying to buy happiness with money because we were happy for so long till we entered the real world of work. She told me to grow a set of balls, lol. I was the only one working. I know I am rambling but I hope that someone out there reads this and can throw in there 2 cents or relate with me.:sad:
 

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You clearly are a warm, loving, caring human being. Your depth of feeling is what allows you to feel such pain. If she is a Thinker, and not a Feeler, maybe she cannot comprehend the pain she has caused? (I am careful not to comment on S/Ts in this forum as we are so different that I couldn't begin to understand how they tick, so I prefer to live and let live).

It is just one of those unfair life experiences that will help to make you stronger as a person in the long run. But for the time being, until the pain subsides, you should be kind to yourself and try to do things that make you feel good and happy. You have sacrificed much of yourself for the good of this relationship, now it's time to focus on your healing.

A person with your capacity to love, has an excellent chance of finding a successful, fulfilling relationship in the future. Whereas your ex still has much to learn.




(Getting a deja vu moment; I'm sure I posted almost identical wording somewhere else on this forum recently; if so, I apologise. I am sincere nonetheless)
 

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Thank you all for the responses. There are 2 sides to every story. I know I contributed my 50% to the demise of our relationship. I am still up set how everything turned against me so quickly. I was loosing the apartment I could not afford on my own but she would not help financially. Within a period of 3 weeks I lost the majority of my possessions, my apartment, my animals and then the one thing I held so dear to my heart my lover that had pulled away. It was very sudden because she had decided to move to New Hampshire within a week of telling me. I felt like a stepping stone to her life. She refused to talk to me before she left. She literally could not face me after the fact that I agreed that we needed a break. I told her I was ok with her moving away for a few months but I just wanted to say goodbye in person. She wouldn't give me the time of day like I was a piece of shit!!

I had messaged her on Facebook a few weeks after she left and pretty much told her that I was so drained from all of the stress that I went through and all I wanted was for her to be there. I told her that after I had lost the apartment because I could not support our life she just left me when I was used up. I payed 5,000 dollars in her bills and was left with a broken heart and about a thousand in debts. She coldy stated something like "yep!! you know me. I just want you to move on. We can still be friends. I still care about you and really appreciate what you did for me but I want to do my own thing now.". This pushed me over the edge and I had to check into a mental health facility. I was so tapped out and I was running on my introverted autopilot for to long.

I deleted my face book account and literally dropped off the face of the earth from her. I am trying to regain my bearing on what I want to do in life but the romanticized idealization that has been instilled in me won't let me escape my ex's. They are always in my mind as if I am playing out scenarios of past relationships and how I think they should have went. Sometimes I feel as if I can't even cope with my emotions. Every day my insecurities have me crying out for her to come back to my warm arms. I just know that I can't stay friends with her as she is safe on shore and I am sinking into the ocean as she is watching. She used to call me emotionally weak just like my parents and family but there is no such a thing. Emotionally unintelligent fits the bitterness she was projecting towards me.

We both have a lot of self discovery to do but how can an INTP be so heartless towards me after all that I had done for her. I wasn't trying to buy happiness with money because we were happy for so long till we entered the real world of work. She told me to grow a set of balls, lol. I was the only one working. I know I am rambling but I hope that someone out there reads this and can throw in there 2 cents or relate with me.:sad:
Holy shit man. I am so, so sorry you had to go through all that. That kind of loss is tremendous and you have absolutely no reason to feel "emotionally weak." That you are able to come here and discuss this is a testament to your strength and ability to handle your feelings and emotions. That is emotional intelligence just like you said. You should feel proud for coming out of such a violent storm and still be functioning. A lot of people manage these kinds of things in many worse ways.

It sounds like she had been bad to you and been using you long before you broke up with the things she would say and do. It is really terrible that there are monsters like that in the world; even worse when they rampage through other peoples' lives and then leave them in shambles. I can totally empathize with wanting to be with someone because you are madly in love even though they long since decided they didn't love you back and they just start using you and sabotaging the relationship. The pain just feels like someone is clawing your insides out and you might even wonder if you did something to deserve it.

You have to not worry about anything you contributed to bring about the relationship's demise. The reason behind this is that just because you are incompatible, it doesn't give another person the moral right to treat you poorly. There is a way to break up with someone with minimal or even average-size damage, and then there is what this person did which is flat out despicable. No one deserves what she did to you. I'm sure there are things both of you did that annoyed the other.

And you have to understand as best you can that a person like this is not worth your time or emotions. I know that isn't going to happen overnight but you have got to try to see this in the positive light that you escaped her. If you guys were still together, then she'd just still be using you.

You have nothing to be insecure about. I think you should do everything that makes you happy for awhile, especially stuff that she might have disliked you doing. Just try to get in touch with yourself and relax. Treat yourself to stuff. Punch pillows occasionally. Watch some porn. Try to enjoy being out in the sun. Don't be out in the sun while watching porn though. Freaking neighbors always call the cops :frustrating:

I think this is an important event in your life though. You can now see what to look out for so that you can protect yourself from people like this in the future. Not all relationships are meant to last. Some of them are just meant to be for you to grow as a person.

If I might share with you a little about what I learned from my time in such a relationship where I went through a brutal breakup, I came out understanding that being emotional and romantic doesn't mean you have to be a wimp and bow to the every whim of the other person. They lose respect for you and treat you poorly, and then it snowballs and sometimes they wind up becoming puppeteers. I don't know if you have ever seen the movie "Bedazzled" with Elizabeth Hurley and Brendan Fraser, but there is one scene where Brendan Fraser turns into this freckled poet singing songs on a beach to the girl he is trying to get with (click here for a picture). He is going on about love and being a total hopeless romantic, and basically some guys walk along, kick sand in his face and totally emasculate him, and walk off with the girl. What I'm trying to say is hopefully in the future you won't let people kick sand in your face like this girl did to you. You're better than that; I know this because bad people don't write the kinds of things you shared above, unless you are part of some massive conspiracy of the ESTJs to infiltrate the INFP boards and make fake posts up :tongue:

Things get better. Keep the faith and don't listen to your insecurities :happy:
 

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The story went from bad to horrible. I think there are at least two things you need to do, at some point. Describe the callous behavior to people who know her, in the hope that maybe it will prevent others from being hurt by her (and maybe also for malice's sake, if you have a bitter streak like I do). Perhaps more importantly, explore why you were attracted to someone like that.
 
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Sever from her completely, and take some time to get yourself into stability. It will probably take a while, but do constructive things with your time. Go to the gym, read books, take up a new hobby, get out with friends, just do something that doesn't involve thinking about her. You need to cut all contact in order to move past it, it may seem impossible now, but it really is the only way.

Also JerseyDevil is right on the money with his post, don't let this impact your attitude. Cut your losses, regroup and when your ready, get back out there and find someone who deserves who you are.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 · (Edited)
I try to see the positive side to it but it was so brutal and cold the way she left me here. I feel as if the pedestal that I tried to place my self upon to regain my composure has crumbled beneath me. I have had the worst luck in the last couple weeks. When ever I though my bad luck was over something else would happen. Karma is a bitch! I have found myself slipping into depression again and its hard to climb out of its grasp. I could talk for days about what happened to me but in the end I have to deal with it on my own. I feel pretty strong about no contacting her in 3 months. I had to get away from the social websites like my space and face book.

Everyday I still replay in my head some of the finally words she had emailed to me. It was like I want you to move on and I will be back! She kept telling me this and these words go against each other. She wanted to remain friends no matter how many times I had expressed my emotions about her. It was like I was talking to an emotionless android. It made me feel like shit. She refused to see me before she left and just shut down and moved away. How cowardly is that of a person to do to someone they were once in love with? She said she needed a break from this town. I was the one that needed to get away from everything. After I moved out of that apartment things just seemed to snow ball and go down hill. She had everything she needed at my expense!!! But not what she wanted.

I remember many times where we got into a deep conversations about what we wanted to do with our lives and where we wanted to live. She had always said that she wanted to move back to New Hampshire to live for a year or two and look through all of her dads things & reconnect with her relatives. I feel like I was the one that needed to get away from all the stress. After I moved out of that apartment things just seemed to snow ball and go down hill. One thing she always seemed to state in her own logical way was that our personalities are shaped by the different relationships we have with people. She actually had said many times that she wanted to experience other lovers. Every time she said that I swear it broke my heart. This happened many times throughout our relationship. A young lustful women that must have been afraid of commitment.

I think it had to deal with how she was raised and how her mother and father had multiple relationships. Witnessing this she must have been instilled with the vision that love doesn't last and you should have multiple relationships. Happiness is only temporary. Horace Walpole said, "Life is a tragedy for those who feel, but a comedy to those who think."

I try to think logically about everything and I always come back to the conclusion about her child hood. Her father died in a car crash while living in New Hampshire while she was living in Florida with her mother. So after the funeral had taken place in 04 she had not been back up there since. So I think that when she went up there to visit while I was dealing with everything by myself she managed to start the closure process and reconnect with her family. She didn't seem confident at all when she broke up with me. She hid behind aim and said that she wanted to do her own thing. She couldn't even face me in person. She made me feel so GOD DAMN HORRIBLE. I was on the brink of suicide! I couldn't believe that someone I loved so fucking much could turn and run away from me.

I know I am rambling and moving on with my life but I can never stop thinking about her. She is the anima in my mind. I know I have stated a lot of horrible communications between her and I but all that happened in a months time span. The majority of the relationship was actually ideal for the both of us. Sometimes I think that she felt so indebted to me for all the sacrifices I made for her that it made her feel bad because there was nothing she could really do to repay me. She lived a cozy live style and got to relax 24/7 FOR 8 MONTHS. Sometimes she would spend the night out with other guys while she just walked all over me. She swears to me that she never cheated on me but I think she surrounded herself with guys as friends to comfort her insecurities and to replace her father. I didn't have any female friends because I know how she felt about it, jealously. But she had more male friends that girlfriends like a 1f to 3m ratio.

I know I am ranting but I need to get this out. Its been pinned up inside of me for so long and I wanted to let people know what some people are capable of. I wish her the best but I still feel as if life has turned bitter sweet for the season. (can we delete this thread after I have healed?)

 
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