[Zebedee]

I sit here feeling completely powerless, with scarcely enough energy to sustain my posture in a position that grants me use of my last connection to the outside world: My computer. Broken and battered from so many different directions, my will no longer desires to move forward in battle. I'm frozen. This is my indefinite angle of repose.

From as far back as I could discern life philosophically, I've held that avoiding pain is the name of the game--Physical pain, pain of regret, pain of heartbreak, pain through sympathy, empathy, pain of unachievable goals, pain of fear, pain of keeping up with it all. I had my pocket of schemes--resources at my ready to fire at these demons who attempted to cripple me... but how could I stop a horde? I focus on one and another comes closer; I shift my attention to that one and yet another advances. In desperation, my offensive attacks suddenly turn into a defensive cry for help. I'm overtaken.

I'm at the bottom now. They say that from this position, there's no where to go but up. They may talk about the time and energy it takes to slowly pick up the pieces and start building again, but they don't mention that demolition can occur once again at any time, succeeding in an instant.

So I sit here. Days are long, but I have the nights to look forward to: They pass by quicker.

 

[ablevins15]

well!

okay, so I'm not really sure what happened in your life, what kind of person you are, or how much help you can get yourself with the little energy you have.
BUT...
I want you to know you're not alone! I want to give you a few ideas to help you.
are you involved in anything? A church or something? I would suggest looking for one.

I was homeless in an unfamiliar town and stumbled into a church that had this thing, called Celebrate Recovery. I wasn't Christian, but anything is better than hanging out at a shelter.
I'm not going to elaborate any further, but finding PEOPLE helped me get out of my depression.

Find people who can help you! drugs don't help, people do. Is there a hospital you could volunteer? or a soup kitchen or something? maybe reach out to someone at work or school. but finding people helps, as does having things to do.

bowling club? ANYTHING!

anyway, you'll feel better, trust me

p.s.- everyone's a grump these past two weeks. don't know if it's the weather or what. just see this period as eventual. It will pass, just as soon as you look away from the closed door and see the sun coming out of the window!

 

[Laeona]

@dog8food

*approaches gently, placing a hand on your shoulder* We reach such dark depths sometimes. The way you described it, it really is that way. The battle to stay afloat. Having every last hope snuffed. To feel so alone and wounded. It does hurt so much. It seems like there is nowhere left to go, or no one left to turn to. But you do have those that are rooting for you to rise back up. I know I am. And you will find the power to do it. It may not come quickly, and it will be painful until it does come. Our instinct is to back away from pain, to get far from it. But when we are down there, we have to face pain, head on. Look it in the eyes. Hell, laugh in it's face! Figure out what it is making you learn from it. Then, one ray of hope will break through. Grab on to it and it will start you climbing back up. And as you slowly arise you will find that you have reached an entirely new level in yourself. You will be stronger than you were before, you will know much more than you did before, and you will believe even stronger than you thought possible.

I wish I could give you a hug, and more comfort. But know, we are willing to listen. This world has beaten you down, but they have not won the battle. I believe in you.

A quote that helped me when last I was in the pit:
"Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now, we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look." ~ Pema Chodron, Buddhist

 

[ComedianINFP]

Wow. @dog8food , your post reads like poetry to me. I feel as if I could have written that at many times of my life. Thanks for that transparency. I work so hard at avoiding pain. Sometimes I work so hard to avoid pain I hurt myself and others in the process. I'm unsure what the answer is.

 

[Zebedee]

Thank you for your support. And for your time. Anything helps.

I was homeless in an unfamiliar town and stumbled into a church that had this thing, called Celebrate Recovery. I wasn't Christian, but anything is better than hanging out at a shelter.

I'm glad you found a way to improve your situation. Actually, my belief in God is the one thing I never let go of. I can't imagine real hope in this life without my faith. But faith is difficult...why wouldn't it be? It asks us to believe in something we can't experience with our senses. It is trusting the Great Caretaker we don't see. Trust is unlike the word "expectation" because it also implies uncertainty. Sometimes even fear. But the Bible even speaks of this.

People have such forgetful memories when it comes to seeing how God has cared for us in the past in amazing ways. We want to trust ourselves so often but we have too many faults. We're unreliable. God wants us to trust Him. He never changes. He knows the best for us. But it's hard to believe with our nearsightedness. There's a story in the gospel where a father wants Jesus to save his son's life. Jesus said "Everything is possible to those who believe." The father replied "I do believe. Help me overcome my unbelief!" Jesus healed his son despite the father's honest claim of disbelief.

It's sometimes hard to believe that the He who created the earth and all that's in it cares about our daily needs. But He does.

 

[Laeona]

I see such a diversity in here of people and lifestyles, but it makes me smile to see how many people have religious faith, whatever style it is. Right now, I don't consider myself directly connected with any denomination, but I still consider myself "religious". There is always the need to connect with something greater and wiser than myself. And I can't look at anything I see around me without pondering how it was created and what it says about the One who created it. I love the cleverness of it all.

I like that people talk about their beliefs. It widens my view. And solidifies my own need to believe.

*leaves a few Reese's Peanut Butter Cups* I figure you could use a good surprise, dog8food

 

[basementbugs]

From as far back as I could discern life philosophically, I've held that avoiding pain is the name of the game--Physical pain, pain of regret, pain of heartbreak, pain through sympathy, empathy, pain of unachievable goals, pain of fear, pain of keeping up with it all.

I'm sorry I have no real advice to offer, as I'm in a pretty dark place myself now (and have been for so many years that it's pretty much the only life I know), but I wanted to tell you how much I related to that particular part. Avoiding getting hurt, because I can't tolerate the pain or deal with the emotions that come with it, has been my main pursuit (if one can call it that) in life since as long as I can remember. Maybe since the day I was born. The only problem is that avoidance of pain brings avoidance of life with it, and the pain caused by my isolation and inability to function within the world has become just as bad as how I imagine the pain related to experiencing all those other things would be.

I'm sorry that's all I've got to say... but I do understand. I hope you find a way out.

 

[Zebedee]

*leaves a few Reese's Peanut Butter Cups* I figure you could use a good surprise, dog8food

Thanks. Seriously, I love chocolate and peanut butter!

I can so empathize, @basementbugs, it reminds me of a quote I just came across from one of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

Isn't it funny how, as we try to avoid something by going to the opposite extreme, we find ourselves with a whole new host of problems? Maybe it's life pushing us to deal with our fears. Whatever the case, I offer you a digital hug.

 

[basementbugs]

@dog8food Thank you, and same to you. That's a wonderful quote, one that I hadn't heard before; thanks for sharing it. Definitely very relevant and relatable...