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Hey all, I'm taking @Spade's questionnaire because the last time I filled one out I was in the midst of depression. I've filled this out during multiple days, so if you notice a switch in tone, that's likely it. I apologize for the length. :unsure:

1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?

A lot of the times it's looking for a drive in and of itself. What do I want to accomplish? If I accomplish that, what do I gain and what do I lose? Most of the time, these gains and losses are equal, which makes things hard to choose. If there's any true drive, it's to accomplish where my parents did not. They all had dreams they have up on and I don't want to become like my father. I already see similarities between me and him and that scares me. But at the same time, I know that fear can hold me back if not applied in the proper places. The other thing that drives me is life itself. I feel like I was born with so many opportunities where others were not that I need to make something of my life so as to not waste them. As for what I look for, it's whatever is going to "feel" the most right. If something feels wrong, though, I try to ask myself why it does to know whether or not I'm letting fear stop me from taking the right path. (Whatever that may be.)


2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?

I want a family and I want to be able to fully express myself. I have all these stories in my head that I really want to tell, but never get around to writing them as I'm afraid I won't do them justice. But I need the practice to be able to get better and I'm afraid I'm going to mess up and disappoint myself. Not to mention, validation for all those years spent daydreaming would be nice.

3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?

I want to avoid not living. I have a remarkable talent for avoiding the things that would push me forward. The more likely I know something is, the more I tell myself I'm not good enough or something will happen to prevent it from happening.

As for values? That's tough, surprisingly. I can't think of too many other than of being good to those around me because we all have very different lives that are all going to end so it's important to lead others by accepting them for who they are so they can slowly become more open and accepting themselves.

4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?

Becoming my father and not living up to the potential I know I have are two things I've already described, but I think I can take it a step further and say choosing the wrong things. Life is finite and we never know when it's going to end, so I want to make sure I do right by myself and don't open doors that should've stayed closed. I say open because I have a tendency to have so many thoughts that the core idea eventually gets lost, as does myself at times. I'm prone to letting people tell me who I am, which was a lot of my mother's doing as her opinions were mine. "I know you better than you know yourself," kind of things. I really would like to know who I am buried underneath all these influences, but is a person more than the sum of their influence anyway? I'm not sure I'll ever know, but I'd love to find out.

5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?

I don't know how I'd want others to see me. Inspiring, perhaps? I admit, my original reason for wanting to get into film when I was younger so that I could become famous and people would want to be like me and then they'd make movies I want to watch and then I could be lazy. I like being lazy and don't mind working hard to be able to be lazy. I'd like for others to see me as knowledgeable and comforting at the same time. Like a trusted friend you've never met.

How do I see myself? I see myself as stilted. I know what I want and what it takes but I'm afraid of actually achieving success and what that would mean. People would have all sorts of expectations of me and I'm much better off when people don't take me seriously. It makes me want to prove them wrong. Most of my life I was expected to be one of the last to leave the house and because of that was one the actual first. I tend to react to people to either prove them right out of spite or prove them wrong to shut them up. I actually don't respond well to compliments as I don't know how to react as there's nothing to build off of.

6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?

I feel my best when I have an idea and am properly able to express it. So many times I'm not able to match the vision I have in my head that when I can it's just this huge relief.

Actually, I'm just going to copy/paste this from another questionnaire:

5. Is there anywhere you feel you belong and you are one with the environment?
A couple places. One is the forest. It's completely removed from society and when I go I'm able to free myself from the pain and frustrations of socially constructed problems. Not to mention that when the trees tower over my 6'2 self, I finally feel like a part of everything instead of just above it.

The other is nighttime. There's something surreal about a world brought to life by the warm glow of fluorescent light. It's like they say with film: What's not shown is just as important as what is. Daytime is the break between shoots where everything is revealed and what's real and what's fake are easily distinguishable. Night doesn't have that distinction. I know it's an overused phrase, but it truly feels like anything can happen.
I feel my best when I feel like I'm part of my environment. So often I feel disconnected from the world, from others, that when I get a chance to just be I feel at peace.

I feel my worst when I think I've made the wrong choice and that things could've worked out the way I wanted them to if I'd just let them be. I still feel like I fucked up with the guy I loved because I opened up to him and let way too much of my personal fears out and it scared him. The thing is, because I'd never been open with them they were much more overwhelming and took over. I tend to not trust anyone but myself, yet the happiest time in my life was a period where I just didn't care. It's frustrating.

7. Describe how you experience each of:

a) anger; I tend to not get angry very easily, but once I reach a boiling point I let it all out and usually on the wrong people. People who I know can take my anger rather than the people who caused it. It's caused a lot of grief for some of the people who matter most to me.

b) shame; I shell up and beat myself over things I could have done differently. I hate disappointing people and will hold onto that disappointment so that I don't make the same mistake again. Of course, it usually messes with my self-worth because I won't let go so I don't mess up again.

c) anxiety; I worry a lot haha. My mind will think about the worst possible scenario for a situation and what will happen if that comes true and how it will affect others and how that will affect me and how that affecting me will affect me and it's basically one giant spiral.

8. Describe how you respond to each of:

a) stress; see my answer for anxiety. It's how I respond to each of the following things. In general, though, I either shell up or attack things with everything I've got.

b) unexpected change; I'll try to keep the situation as it was and if there's no way and change is inevitable, I'll try to make things change in a way that is as favorable to me as possible. And by favorable, I mean having as much control of the situation as possible. Control is super important because I only trust myself and it allows me to feel safe.

c) conflict; I take both people into account and see how they're likely viewing the situation and try to change my perception so I can see things on their level.

9. Describe your orientation to:

a) authority; Necessary

b) power; Safety

How do you respond to these?


I respond to authority by respecting it when it's around and doing what I feel is best for the situation when no one is watching. Sometimes people are asking for something else without realizing it and so to keep them from worrying I do what they ask when they see, but that's it. Then at the end when I give them what they want, they're none the wiser.

Power is something that makes me feel safe. Like I said in my answer for unexpected change, I only ever trust myself so having power is one of the few things that can shut up my mind. (Except that's not true as people will look to me and I have to respond in a way that I can keep my power and show others what's acceptable/not so I guess my mind is still working overtime.)

10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?

Well I believe that humans are inherently selfish and that there's nothing wrong with that. We all have something we desire and usually it clashes with what someone else wants. As long as we recognize the ways in which our actions might be viewed in a negative light and how those we react negatively to can be seen in a positive one then we can and should continue to keep living the way we do, whatever that may be. Life is so personalized anyway and to think that there's any one definitive answer is silly and misguided.

Optional Questions

12. Comment on your relationship with trust.


I tend to assume the worst in people and situations because then I'll never be disappointed. It's very hard for me to trust because no one sees the world the way I see it and it's hard giving up control to someone who may have a similar, but different perspective. It's just safer to be prepared and do things myself.

13. List some of the traits you: a) like; b) dislike most about yourself.

a) I like my thought process and how I always check for flaws in systems or ideas. I like how I communicate and my sense of humor. I like how I view the world and how I'll often look at columns or pillars and try to make the empty space the pillar so that there's a new world to explore, if only for a second. I realize that probably doesn't make much sense, but it's such a part of me that I don't care if only I understand what it means. I like that I'm overly critical and I like that I don't have high expectations in people. I like it when people are flawed, when they're human.

b)Perfection is overrated, and yet it's all I ever aim for. Why can I so easily accept in others what I cannot accept in myself? I don't like how I look. I don't like that I can't draw, that I'll never be able to properly express the things I see in my mind. I don't even need them for other people, I just want to capture a moment of myself and it's something that I'll never be able to do. I hate that.

14. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?

Intent. I can see what a person is saying and what they're actually saying based on what they withhold and the environment they're in.

15. If a stranger insults you, how do you respond/feel? What if they compliment you?

If they insult me I first consider who is saying it and whether it's even relevant as their perspective might not be something that meshes with mine. I like compliments, but I don't take them too seriously as there's always something wrong with me to counter it, at least in my mind. I never expect compliments, so I usually don't know how to react.

16. What's something you are: a) thankful you have; b) wish you could have? Why?

a) My mind. I love the way I think and don't know how I'd be able to cope if I wasn't someone so introspective. I'm constantly thinking about life and how actions affect each other and how people come together for ideas. It's so interesting.

b) I wish I could have a more standard appearance, and by that I mean weight. I've always struggled with weight and if you look at my dad's side of the family you can easily see why genetics aren't on my side. I have visions of how I want to appear and how I want to express myself, but I cut them off because I know appearance effects how people view me, which is understandable. If I could find the perfect balance of self-expression and acceptability, I'd be happy.

11. Discuss an event that has impacted your life significantly; more importantly, how you responded to it.

Doing the Disney College Program and working in Florida for half a year. The first 3 months were hell. All my friends and family were on the other side of the US, but then something happened and I stopped caring about how others saw me and just let go of fear. I trusted that everything would work out and be okay. Maybe that's what I need to do again, just be me and let go off all the baggage.. It's just hard. I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again, I was so much more hopeful back then. I had plans and a future, and now I'm just stuck. Knowing it was finite let me fully invest in the moment. I crave that peace of mind. Maybe it was only because I knew and accepted it was going to end. Living a lifetime in 6 months...
 
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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
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@cue5c

I know I wasn't summoned, but you're a pretty clear 6w5 to me :3

You gut fix seems 9w1, but your image fix is very weak. I saw you type as a 4 fixer before, can you tell me why and how you relate to type 4?
 
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EDIT:

5. Is there anywhere you feel you belong and you are one with the environment?
A couple places. One is the forest. It's completely removed from society and when I go I'm able to free myself from the pain and frustrations of socially constructed problems. Not to mention that when the trees tower over my 6'2 self, I finally feel like a part of everything instead of just above it.

The other is nighttime. There's something surreal about a world brought to life by the warm glow of fluorescent light. It's like they say with film: What's not shown is just as important as what is. Daytime is the break between shoots where everything is revealed and what's real and what's fake are easily distinguishable. Night doesn't have that distinction. I know it's an overused phrase, but it truly feels like anything can happen.
^ Seems like you have a tendency to romanticize.. which could indicate a 4 fix.

Do you relate to envy? Here's a post I made about type 4 a while back; tell me if you relate.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
EDIT:



^ Seems like you have a tendency to romanticize.. which could indicate a 4 fix.

Do you relate to envy? Here's a post I made about type 4 a while back; tell me if you relate.
I related to pretty much all of that, especially:

They may imagine things that have never happened that are inherently dramatic, for the single purpose of experiencing these emotions that they identify so strongly with.
I live through music and television and writing. There's so much about the world that can lend to fuller understanding of myself and why things are the way they are. I do tend to care about other people, but it's more in relation to whether they'll accept me or not. If they don't have a problem with me I have a tendency to fade away into my thoughts since I know I'm not being judged.
 

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I'm no good at suggesting types but I see a hell of a lot of myself in your answers. I especially love the one that kaleidoscope quoted. <3 You're awesome. I knew that before but reading through this just reminded me.

 
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I'm no good at suggesting types but I see a hell of a lot of myself in your answers. I especially love the one that kaleidoscope quoted. <3 You're awesome. I knew that before but reading through this just reminded me.

D'aww, thanks. I definitely am jealous of your writing, but you're amazing so it's okay. :tongue:
 
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D'aww, thanks. I definitely am jealous of your writing, but you're amazing so it's okay. :tongue:
About that:

I have all these stories in my head that I really want to tell, but never get around to writing them as I'm afraid I won't do them justice. But I need the practice to be able to get better and I'm afraid I'm going to mess up and disappoint myself. Not to mention, validation for all those years spent daydreaming would be nice.
Maybe you could try out NaNoWriMo this year, if you feel up to it. The only goal is that you have to write 50,000 words in a month. The story doesn't have to be good, you don't even have to show it to anyone. Most people don't even bother editing anything. I had an amazing idea in my head when I started it, and by the end I realised I'd not done it justice whatsoever, but the fact I'd still done it regardless of my doubts made it all worth it. It helps you realise what your weaknesses are and what you can do to improve them.

/shuts up before I derail the thread too much
 
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
About that:

Maybe you could try out NaNoWriMo this year, if you feel up to it. The only goal is that you have to write 50,000 words in a month. The story doesn't have to be good, you don't even have to show it to anyone. Most people don't even bother editing anything. I had an amazing idea in my head when I started it, and by the end I realised I'd not done it justice whatsoever, but the fact I'd still done it regardless of my doubts made it all worth it. It helps you realise what your weaknesses are and what you can do to improve them.

/shuts up before I derail the thread too much
Yeah, I always mean to and then chicken out. I might try this year with a completely original story rather than the ones I've lived in my head for years. That might make it easier. (Writing for mafia has helped, even though it's all bullshit for the most part.)
 
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This is lovely! Very well thought-out and written! <3

I would have to read it through once more with an analytical eye. So far, I see the 9 fix, the Self-Pres, and maybe even possibly 6w7. Oh, and shit-tons of Ne-Fi! Will reread later.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
This is lovely! Very well thought-out and written! <3

I would have to read it through once more with an analytical eye. So far, I see the 9 fix, the Self-Pres, and maybe even possibly 6w7. Oh, and shit-tons of Ne-Fi! Will reread later.
You mean I'm not an ISTP like @Bast? :unsure:
 
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general cynicism + responses to anxiety, trust: 6.
Don't see enough stagnation-hating-7 -> w5

I like how I view the world and how I'll often look at columns or pillars and try to make the empty space the pillar so that there's a new world to explore, if only for a second.
Writer material.


As for what I look for, it's whatever is going to "feel" the most right.
Fi?

Intent. I can see what a person is saying and what they're actually saying based on what they withhold and the environment they're in.
Going for meaning over face value = probably not a sensor.

I had an amazing idea in my head when I started it, and by the end I realised I'd not done it justice whatsoever, but the fact I'd still done it regardless of my doubts made it all worth it.
...Can it be read anywhere? :p
 
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