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I've definitely noticed with INFPs that I have to initiate a LOT- especially until you get to that "trust threshold" where they feel safe to be open around you.. Even then you have to say the first word before the torrent of sharing comes like a flood.

If an INFP initiates with you, it means they're either really trying or really comfortable around you. I understand it in a sense, I mean with my interactions with INFPs it is a lot easier for me to initiate so it makes sense just to let me do it most of the time.
So like, how do you expect us to act though? Would you want them to initiate more, or.....idk?


Everytime I see people refer to our "trust threshold" and what-not I always think they have another way in mind for us to act? Because the trust threshold and lack of initiating seems so normal to me I don't know any other way to behave. So pls like, give me an idea? Is it more normal to be completely open and trusting and initiating all the time? I mean what is it?

I recently started to try to keep in contact with those I love. But, I do agree, I don't need people all of the time to function. It's good to know that you have stable enough friends who are similar to you. You can go for weeks and months without talking to them and still pick it up from where you left off. I used to be stressed out when the other person contacted me all of the time. Mostly because I am not a person to talk about what I ate for lunch for the 56th time. This was a huge factor in breakups and end of past friendships. I was too private and 'secretive.'
Man, I never knew being private and secretive was such an issue until recently. I thought everybody had the right and exercised the right to privacy, but I guess no and they might think other's privacy is too much. Man the difference in perception is so strange.





More on topic.

Yes I do the same thing as @neutralchaotic and because I'm so self absorbed I didn't notice it was affecting my friends until my ENTP friend just straight up said "We give you your alone time and you still treat us like shit!" and he also said "Oh wow Lord Pixel actually called ME!". Until then I just saw myself as having a passive. spectator, once in a while chime in, sort of relationship with them. I guess it means people value your friendship when they say these things.


Hm, I guess we never know when we are loved, chalk it up to Se blindspot XD!
 

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Im getting better at reaching out more often because I realized it’s not good for me emotionally to be so isolated. I might be clingy in the sense that I could be happy just hanging out with the same few people I like and not being eager to make new friends. I prefer intimacy and the security of knowing you have that connection no matter if weeks or months go by. But I know now that more regular, steady contact is healthy for me even if I don’t feel a conscious need for it very often.

It’s hard to not feel drained by interaction when it’s mostly small talk, especially discussing people. I don’t need deep conversation all the time but I just don’t care about daily happenings. So many interactions are draining and not stimulating to me that I associate interaction with something emotionally unpleasant, and so I fall into a habit of avoiding it. Some people don’t drain me much and I can handle extended interaction with them better.


Exactly. And my reason for regular contact is exactly the same as yours.



Man, I never knew being private and secretive was such an issue until recently. I thought everybody had the right and exercised the right to privacy, but I guess no and they might think other's privacy is too much. Man the difference in perception is so strange.


Yeah, it was quite strange to find out independence would be an issue as well. Everyone is talking about how clingy women are, so naive younger me thought there wouldn't be a problem. Turns out, people just enjoy complaining in general. People state they are independent when it's not true at all. So when they see real independence, they freak out. "You don't care," they would say. "What did I do wrong?" I don't know.

I'm just glad I found a couple of people like me, or who can truly deal with me. I mean, I am an INFP, I am naturally warm and fluffy to the ones I adore. I will love you just the way you are, as long as you give me some space.
 

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Discussion Starter #23
I agree. Most of the time with superficial interactions I only have one intent which is to stay on the surface and make jokes to distract from my seriousness.
That hurts. Do that a lot with people who think I need to "loosen up / smile / be happy". It's fairly annoying when I'm content or preoccupied (with 'not sad' matters)!
 
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Discussion Starter #24
I 99% guarantee your ENFP values you far more..

I always find it disheartening when introverts talking about our type, because they talk about how we behave all extroverted and therefore we're never going to have the time for an introverted personality- NO YOU FOOLSS!! I've been on this forum 8+ years, trust me, it's not just me, as a type in general we PREFER introverts when chosing our closest. It's just that, we need some variety, and an extrovert-extrovert interaction is just always going to be louder and more obvious than an extrovert-introvert interaction.. Does that mean the E-E is better? FUCK NO, it just creates more noise so it's more noticeable- we don't judge interactions by how loud and open they are, we judge by how deep, intuitive, and connective they are.

That thing that introverts do where they think because ENFPs are loud with other extroverts that they must be all about the outgoing clique- we fucking hate that. Trust me, 95% of us, go ahead and ask- we HATE that perception from introverts.
I've always sensed that, and love that about you all! I've had some of the longest and best conversations and discussions with my ENFP friends. Past the "face" we have on respectively for the public, we are very much the same internally.
 
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Discussion Starter #25
More on topic.

Yes I do the same thing as @neutralchaotic and because I'm so self absorbed I didn't notice it was affecting my friends until my ENTP friend just straight up said "We give you your alone time and you still treat us like shit!" and he also said "Oh wow Lord Pixel actually called ME!". Until then I just saw myself as having a passive. spectator, once in a while chime in, sort of relationship with them. I guess it means people value your friendship when they say these things.


Hm, I guess we never know when we are loved, chalk it up to Se blindspot XD!
This is all painfully accurate! Everyone (friends and family) basically has to spell it out that they enjoy my presence / me as a person, or I would honestly never know. I figure how they float in and out of my life (and I often forget to verbalize what they mean to me), is how they see me. A floater who comes and goes on a whim, but you enjoy the time you have together.

Maybe that's an internal reason why I don't reach out more. I don't believe they see it as necessary / desirable. The reflection is heavy tonight. :rolleyes:
 

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This is all painfully accurate! Everyone (friends and family) basically has to spell it out that they enjoy my presence / me as a person, or I would honestly never know. I figure how they float in and out of my life (and I often forget to verbalize what they mean to me), is how they see me. A floater who comes and goes on a whim, but you enjoy the time you have together.

Maybe that's an internal reason why I don't reach out more. I don't believe they see it as necessary / desirable. The reflection is heavy tonight. :rolleyes:

Hmm, this is actually interesting perspective. Maybe this is why we are always trying so hard to please the other person? We long for attachment, but we are always unsure of where the relationship stands. Like you mentioned before, the "push and pull" exists because of the paranoia in a way, I think. I recently started to be more outwards and stay in touch with the outside world. Surprisingly, that helped to correctly pinpoint status of the relationships. Strange, because I thought staying in touch with your dominant function would be the most accurate. However, Ne is more useful for picking up hints in reality--less anxious.

During that development, I met another INFP, and actually found all of my habits in her. She was testing the distance of the relationships with me all of the time. I adore her, don't get me wrong, but it does seem like we INFPs need A LOT of reassurance through words. I will constantly have to tell her she means a lot to me. When I joke around and give a slightest hint of distance, she seems to get pretty anxious. I had all of those traits. Still do, something I try to work on very consciously for both of my own sake and my loved ones.
 

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I'm all about:

boundaries
conserving resources/energy
limiting contact with others
limiting *friends*
Never asking for help (when I finally do ask for help, there is a pattern of the advice from others being complete shite)
When I need "help" the first thing I do is research, research, research -- that is how I get help
Validation from others? Holy crap... it makes me sooooooo uncomfortable and sorta angry. I hate stopping my roll, to acknowledge their comment.

I have been like this, my whole life. Was I supposed to grow out of it? Shoot, sorry if I didn't do what I was supposed to. :tongue::tongue::tongue:

Now... let's talk about the one person I am "clingy" with -- husband. He is my Life. He came close to death this year and I friggen lost it. I need him like the oxygen I breathe. When he finally "goes" (he's almost 70) I will be packing my bags for the loony bin. The nervous hospital. The booby-hatch. The laughing academy. The funny farm. Bughouse and/or Nuts City.
 

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Discussion Starter #28
Hmm, this is actually interesting perspective. Maybe this is why we are always trying so hard to please the other person? We long for attachment, but we are always unsure of where the relationship stands. Like you mentioned before, the "push and pull" exists because of the paranoia in a way, I think. I recently started to be more outwards and stay in touch with the outside world. Surprisingly, that helped to correctly pinpoint status of the relationships. Strange, because I thought staying in touch with your dominant function would be the most accurate. However, Ne is more useful for picking up hints in reality--less anxious.

During that development, I met another INFP, and actually found all of my habits in her. She was testing the distance of the relationships with me all of the time. I adore her, don't get me wrong, but it does seem like we INFPs need A LOT of reassurance through words. I will constantly have to tell her she means a lot to me. When I joke around and give a slightest hint of distance, she seems to get pretty anxious. I had all of those traits. Still do, something I try to work on very consciously for both of my own sake and my loved ones.
That's possible! I know I hate that feeling of "not knowing" so I naturally place less importance on it so it doesn't worry me. I enter more friendships with the mindset of "I'm here for a good time, not a long time", and find more happiness / contentment in my studies and work so that I don't get frantic and start seeking validation (?) from others. I know I don't like investing too much of myself and not knowing where we stand.

To build on that, I can have all the physical signs in the world that my friendship is solid, but if I don't hear it just once, I still have a bit of doubt. It's an odd thing, because I have all this "evidence", but only words seem to seal the deal. That's something I've been trying to work on within myself, eliminating the worst case scenarios and misplaced doubt.
 

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I actually prefer no human contact. People are too draining and I just don't give a fuck.

I can't sit and pretend that I care about Jenny's nappy ass weave and that was the reason why her bf left her ass. I also suck at comforting people and when 98% of conversation is all about soothing or making the other party "feel better"- yeah, not happening.

Another huge factor is that I tend to focus on one thing or several things and I can't fit anything else in my brain. I don't like accommodating for other people and I put myself and my needs first so, if Lucy wants to hang out and gossip; her ass is gonna have to wait until my shit is all done and I feel like it.


As far as family goes, I don't care to see them or not see them. It's just if I happen to, then I do and if not; I don't.
 

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Discussion Starter #30
I actually prefer no human contact. People are too draining and I just don't give a fuck.

I can't sit and pretend that I care about Jenny's nappy ass weave and that was the reason why her bf left her ass. I also suck at comforting people and when 98% of conversation is all about soothing or making the other party "feel better"- yeah, not happening.

Another huge factor is that I tend to focus on one thing or several things and I can't fit anything else in my brain. I don't like accommodating for other people and I put myself and my needs first so, if Lucy wants to hang out and gossip; her ass is gonna have to wait until my shit is all done and I feel like it.


As far as family goes, I don't care to see them or not see them. It's just if I happen to, then I do and if not; I don't.
This bit cracked me the hell up. Same here, I don't exactly want to be a security blanket for everyone. Let's have a productive conversation unrelated to the both of us.
 

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Uuufff how do I explain this in a brief manner...

My behavior with friendships depends entirely on who the other person is.
I have a scale with different levels: Stranger, Acquaintance, In-Betweener, Friend, Close Friend, BFF, Romantic Relationship...

I desire weekly in-person hangouts with people, but my desire is not for specific people, it's for the socializing. I hope I can explain this well, because people often tell me that they don't understand my needs. My need is for socializing itself. The people are interchangeable. I will make plans with whoever wants to hang out with me, just so I can get my needed dose of socializing, and I don't rely on any one person. If they're not available, I'll call someone else, no problem.

Now, "whoever" doesn't include people who annoy me. Like I have a few acquaintances who used to be at a higher level in my social scale, meaning that at one point in time years ago they were somewhere between Close Friend and BFF. But our friendship over time turned out to be something that didn't nurture me, I felt like I was always giving so much of myself and receiving nothing, I felt taken advantage of, so I downgraded this friendship and put them in the category of mere acquaintances. If I dislike the person very much (as is the case with two people in my life in the last year) I will never accept a hangout with them. They keep texting me every couple of months, and I keep refusing, but they don't get the memo. I even blocked one of them on my phone, and he seeks out other ways to contact me, it's insane. I find it insulting because these people take me for granted and all they want is to receive, they never give anything, then throw a temper tantrum when you stop giving.

If someone manages to escalate to the level of Close Friend or BFF, I will need weekly in-person hangouts with them. If they won't meet up with me, I will downgrade them. My level of trust with people, the quality of my relationships, is totally dependent on in-person -aka real- contact. Texting is not real contact, it is false intimacy. Exchanging comments on social media is not real, it's false intimacy. Going for a coffee once a month to catch up on life, that's not real intimacy either.

I give my all to the people in the higher levels of my social escale. So it's up to them to be as committed to the friendship as I am, and it's up to them to stay in those higher levels. If I feel taken advantage of, I'll dissolve my commitment, downgrade them, and they will become part of the interchangable people who only exist for my own entertainment, and I will feel nothing for them.

I am not afraid of people, I'm just very careful about who I invest in and not, and I'm careful not to be taken advantage of, which is so common in adulthood.
I looooove socializing. I need it weekly. But I go months without knowing from my acquaintances (I don't have any friends currently, only acquaintances) and I feel perfectly happy, because I get my socializing from my family members.
 
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I'm quite a lone wolf irl. I like being autonomous and value independence a little too much, such that people are more likely to accuse me of being a deviant than clingy. However, this is in line with my dislike towards people who demand too much of me. I like people to be similarly independent, at least in the context of work. When it comes to romantic relationships, I have dated men who demanded too much of my time and attention, and found that this has caused me to lose interest quickly. I felt no affection; instead it felt like someone was hooking me, the test subject, up to a energy sapping and harvesting machine. This is probably why I always wound up dating introverts, and why I am appalled by clinginess in general, especially when I recognise it in myself. If I end up clinging on to someone, it's usually something (more often than not, fear) that has tipped over the proverbial scale. This causes an emotional imbalance and I have to change something to regain my sense of balance.

I like to say that I'm a walking paradox. I require human contact to feel less isolated/ disconnected, but am simultaneously afraid of getting swallowed whole by others. By that I mean that people can drain the life out of me, and I have little energy to offer in the first place. Unfortunately I am not entirely happy being alone, so I do try to reach out to my friends once in a while because I care, and I do initiate meeting up with my very close friends - but I see them rarely, maybe about once a month. Contact via phone is not frequent, unless we are in a "LDR". I also spend most of my time (weekends) with my partner, but we are not "on" all the time - we are the introvert cliche of 2 people just basking in each other's presence, doing our own thing, while occasionally sharing ideas. This soothes my need for human interaction, but doesn't threaten my energy levels. My romantic and platonic relationships also have different dynamics: I feel almost 100% emotionally safe around my partner, but not necessarily so in my other relationships... other than a select few.

In contrast, time alone is like oxygen for me, I need it desperately to maintain sanity, and the less meaningful the interaction, the more frustrating and overwhelming it is for me eg small talk - my eyes glaze over most of the time, and even if pop advice suggests that this is a way to build relationships, I find that most people I encounter like to keep it superficial, and have needs that differ from mine.

Lastly, im in my own head a lot; which means I can get swept away by books and my own thoughts, and become completely oblivious to society/ my social life. My social life collects dust until I hit a low, and all of a sudden, it is so glaringly obvious that I lack one, and need one. I use what's left of my time spent mulling over life, than actually living life. A lot of the times I've thought, "what a stupid and hard way to live", especially when it's so tough to find the sweet spot ����*♀
 
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