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Discussion Starter #1
Hi there, everyone.

My sister is twelve years old and an ESFJ and I wanted to ask a few questions.

I love my sister. A majority of the time (in regards to people who aren't family members), she's very sweet and always focused on making sure everyone enjoys themselves.

However, sometimes she'll start acting extremely mean in regards to my brother (9) and my other sister (6) for seemingly no reason.

Today, for example, after school she came in with both of them and she was in a good mood. Then she said that she wanted to take a shower. I said, "Sure, ok, whatever."

Then my brother said he was going to take a shower and she freaked out on him.

"NO! I SAID I WAS GOING TO TAKE A SHOWER FIRST YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE I'M GOING TO TAKE A SHOWER NOT YOU..."

And I just sat on the couch not knowing why the heck it was such a big deal.

And the problem is that once they settled it- (neither of them are taking showers because the towels are all in the laundry)- she's still angry but about everything else.

My youngest sister dropped water on the floor and my ESFJ sister told her to clean it up. The youngest ignored her and just sat on the couch and my ESFJ sister actually got the phone, called my mom, and said "SHE DROPPED WATER ON THE FLOOR TELL HER TO CLEAN IT UP".

After she got off the phone, she started yelling at my youngest sister who got up and took some Kleenex and sat on the floor to wipe it.

Then my sister said, "YOU DON'T USE KLEENEX, STUPID, USE PAPER TOWELS."

I asked her to please stop yelling at my sister, calm down, and stop making such a big deal out of it.

She said, "NO."

I think you get the idea.

Anyway, I really want to understand why this happens. I'm not sure if the moodiness is true for all ESFJs, but it's definitely true with my sister and that's why I'm asking here. From my perspective, she just looks completely irrational but that really isn't going to get me anywhere with dealing with this and it's not my job to look for words to label her behavior.

If this is something somewhat common and if anyone has any idea what I can do to help, please tell me.

Thank you!
 

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Hi there, everyone.

My sister is twelve years old and an ESFJ and I wanted to ask a few questions.

I love my sister. A majority of the time (in regards to people who aren't family members), she's very sweet and always focused on making sure everyone enjoys themselves.

However, sometimes she'll start acting extremely mean in regards to my brother (9) and my other sister (6) for seemingly no reason.

Today, for example, after school she came in with both of them and she was in a good mood. Then she said that she wanted to take a shower. I said, "Sure, ok, whatever."

Then my brother said he was going to take a shower and she freaked out on him.

"NO! I SAID I WAS GOING TO TAKE A SHOWER FIRST YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE I'M GOING TO TAKE A SHOWER NOT YOU..."

And I just sat on the couch not knowing why the heck it was such a big deal.

And the problem is that once they settled it- (neither of them are taking showers because the towels are all in the laundry)- she's still angry but about everything else.

My youngest sister dropped water on the floor and my ESFJ sister told her to clean it up. The youngest ignored her and just sat on the couch and my ESFJ sister actually got the phone, called my mom, and said "SHE DROPPED WATER ON THE FLOOR TELL HER TO CLEAN IT UP".

After she got off the phone, she started yelling at my youngest sister who got up and took some Kleenex and sat on the floor to wipe it.

Then my sister said, "YOU DON'T USE KLEENEX, STUPID, USE PAPER TOWELS."

I asked her to please stop yelling at my sister, calm down, and stop making such a big deal out of it.

She said, "NO."

I think you get the idea.

Anyway, I really want to understand why this happens. I'm not sure if the moodiness is true for all ESFJs, but it's definitely true with my sister and that's why I'm asking here. From my perspective, she just looks completely irrational but that really isn't going to get me anywhere with dealing with this and it's not my job to look for words to label her behavior.

If this is something somewhat common and if anyone has any idea what I can do to help, please tell me.

Thank you!

Hi! =)
As a ESFJ I could tell you that in the past sometimes I acted in similar ways and I did mostly because I felt no really appraised (in my case on the outside), I felt like I was giving a lot to others but not receiving nothing in return! So when I was in my house I took for granted that at least there all was owed! I expected that in my house everyone was extremely caring and good with me, that would mean too doing all that I wanted!
Maybe she is having a bad period and she act out all her dissatisfaction in this way, or maybe is just because she is an adolescent! The adolescence is a delicate period for everyone! Often the adolescent seem to be rebel with the whole family, without a reason! It's in the nature of this period, so don't mind excessively!

In order to make her realize that reactions are exaggerated you can speak to her with finesse and calm!
Try to make her understand that your brothers would feel very bad because of her reactions and that they wouldn't make her mad in that way!

The ESFJ are extremely sensible and if you would able to explain the problem, being very tactful, she would realize that others could hurt if she acts in that way!
And there's no healthy ESFJ that hates nothing more than to hurt someone, because this type is probably one of the most sensible type and he knows, on your own skin, what means be hurt by someone!
I hope that these informations\advices could help you! :wink:
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Hi! =)
In order to make her realize that reactions are exaggerated you can speak to her with finesse and calm!
Try to make her understand that your brothers would feel very bad because of her reactions and that they wouldn't make her mad in that way!
Thank you so much! Do you have any suggestions as to how I could say it to her? Tact isn't really my forte, I'm afraid.
 

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Thank you so much! Do you have any suggestions as to how I could say it to her? Tact isn't really my forte, I'm afraid.
Even if tact isn't really your forte (this word is an Italian word!?!? I'm Italian :tongue:) you have at least the sensibility to research a way to tell her a similar thing, is an admirable and excellent way to develop your tact! :wink:

However is not simple to give you an advice because I don't know your sister but I think that I could try anymore!
You could say for example:
Hey x, I saw that Y and Z (your brothers) were a little disappointed because of your way of saying that thing! Why don't you try the next time, to tell them this thing in a more calm\relaxed way?

I'm sorry but my English's vocabulary isn't so ample and precise as I really want! But I know that you would find the right and adapt words if you would think a little more about that!
Or sometimes, the words come up to your mind just when you are speaking about that! =)
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thanks for your effort and thank you for responding to the thread!

I'll try your suggestions.

Thanks again!
 

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You're welcome! Let me know, if you want! :happy:
 

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@justanotherperson

1) its not your job to label someone elses behavior? so what are you gonna do, be a vegetable? is that not what you made this thread for? anyway.

2) to answer your question- im an esfj, when i was younger, i was very temperamental but this is something that i learned/got passed down from a family member that i was around a lot at the time. esfjs, when immature will pick up on behavior patterns that exist in others. an esfj can somehow easily justify their bad behavior in their own head because of SF- its like we can be wrapped into our own emotional cloud, and without the proper influence, we can just stay there and needless to say, thats one of the weaknesses of the esfj. an esfj needs a very good foundation or else. so, id say, think about the influences around your sister and if you want to help her, the best you can do is to love her, and if youre gonna give criticism, let it be constructive only.

good luck
 

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Discussion Starter #8
1) I meant it's not my job to judge her as 'completely irrational' without trying to figure out why.

2) Thank you for your advice!
 

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I totally get this. My sisters is an ESFJ, just like yours. She had kids at a very young age, and I watched as she snapped at them, yelled at them, spanked them, slapped them, and shook them; after kissing and hugging them only a moment before. ESFJs are very hot-tempered when someone gets on their nerves, and it will not change. This becomes both annoying and disturbing over time, but the only alternative I've found is to just ignore it. Being irritable just comes natural to them.

Otherwise, I have no complaints. She's pretty easy to get along with.
 

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It sounds like it might bother her because she views their behavior as inconsiderate or not being done correctly and doesn't have a mature framework with which to deal with it? It sounds like she's offended in some way because the things they did are not based on what should be (aka polite/appropriate behavior)... It sounds like maybe if you explained to her that they are younger and don't really understand what they need to be doing, maybe she could help them by being nice and showing them rather than yelling and acting upset. If that's her motivation, you could help her see a way that she can more appropriately channel those feelings and that sensibility... Maybe even calmly ask her what she "should" be doing as the older sister. I can see this desire to control their behavior being channeled in a good way if she had better techniques.

But just remember not to come across in a too-blunt or judgmental way. Since she is looking at her emotions and feelings, just bluntly saying she's wrong and not acting right might not work very well. This is very much emotionally motivated for her, and even though it doesn't seem rational to you, she has her reasons that are important to her. If you find out what those are and show that you respect them and care about her, she will be more likely to listen to what you have to say.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
It sounds like it might bother her because she views their behavior as inconsiderate or not being done correctly and doesn't have a mature framework with which to deal with it? It sounds like she's offended in some way because the things they did are not based on what should be (aka polite/appropriate behavior)... It sounds like maybe if you explained to her that they are younger and don't really understand what they need to be doing, maybe she could help them by being nice and showing them rather than yelling and acting upset. If that's her motivation, you could help her see a way that she can more appropriately channel those feelings and that sensibility... Maybe even calmly ask her what she "should" be doing as the older sister. I can see this desire to control their behavior being channeled in a good way if she had better techniques.

But just remember not to come across in a too-blunt or judgmental way. Since she is looking at her emotions and feelings, just bluntly saying she's wrong and not acting right might not work very well. This is very much emotionally motivated for her, and even though it doesn't seem rational to you, she has her reasons that are important to her. If you find out what those are and show that you respect them and care about her, she will be more likely to listen to what you have to say.
That makes sense. It actually does sound a lot like her to get upset because things aren't going the way she perceives they "should" go, and she does tend to overestimate how mature they can be for their ages.

Thank you for your input!
 

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My sister is twelve years old and an ESFJ and I wanted to ask a few questions. SAID I WAS GOING TO TAKE A SHOWER FIRST YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE I'M GOING TO TAKE A SHOWER NOT YOU..."

My youngest sister said "SHE DROPPED WATER ON THE FLOOR TELL HER TO CLEAN IT UP".
Then my sister said, "YOU DON'T USE KLEENEX, STUPID, USE PAPER TOWELS."
So the first part sounds like the stories my grandmother has told me of my mom, an ESFJ.
The part about calling mommy sounds like both my mom and my INTJ brother. Could be genetic...

The part with the Kleenex literally made me LOL! A situation just like this happened to my family. The toilet overflowed and my dad tried cleaning the floor and this is how it went.
ESFJ Mom: Ah! Don't use the good towels, use the paper towels! Are you stupid!??!?!
XSTJ Dad: Ga, it's overflowing too fast! Where's the plunder. Ah ga!
ESFJ Mom: You're doing it wrong. Get out of the way!

Yes, my mom was always Joyous/Pissed... not too many other emotions going on... I found it quite amusing.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Hahahah, that does sounds a lot like my sister!
 
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