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I'm poly and I don't ask about this with any negative intent whatsoever. I'm just curious about some trends that I've noticed when it comes to the polyamorous scene, at least in so far as I have experienced it in various domains on the internet.

I want to understand why so many poly people are overweight, and why I only find younger (late teens and 20s) poly people here on tumblr (somewhat) and on okcupid. Okcupid is also the only place where I have found poly people who aren't almost exclusively overweight or elsewise unattractive. But I also know that my OKCupid sent me a message once saying that they would cater my search results to find more attractive people, since their data had noticed that I'm one of the more attractive users on okcupid. And of course okcupid is matching with people who more closely think and feel about things as I do, which covers the point of intellect that I mention in the next paragraph.

Outside of these sites, the poly people and groups i've come across have been almost exclusively old (late thirties and beyond) overweight or otherwise unattractive. And they also don't seem to be especially bright people - it's as if their affiliation with polyamory is a random blip in their personality rather than something reflective of an overall open, intelligent or loving personality with perspectives on the rest of life that would correspond.

So I'm really just looking for thoughts, speculation, any guesses that would fill any of the holes. Again, I mean no offense, and am just interested in understanding this data. Haven't others been wondering as well? Or do they already know?
 

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The poly scene is such a small one that it's really hard for me to form an opinion. I have only met 3 polygamous people in my entire LIFE so who knows what the actual trends are when the sample size is tiny. It could just be the only poly people you've met are overweight.
 

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Ace of Spades
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Would you really base your conclusions on an online dating site?

I'm friends with a large amount of polyamorous people. I just want to point out that we aren't a "visible" minority. How would someone who met me know I'm poly without explicitly asking me? They wouldn't at all. Anyway, most of my friends and the people I'm around often are in some way associated with alternative cultures, so I know many interesting people with "unconventional" lifestyles.
 

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MOTM June 2011
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Of course you're going to have a limited selection when it comes to this kind of relationship. I think that's fairly obvious with what it entails, I'm definitely not shaming it, I'm just stating that it's uncommon. You're not always going to come across people you find attractive and want to start a relationship with, regardless of monogamy or polyamory.

Also it seems you're obsessed with these people's appearances rather than getting to know them. The more attractive couples are usually going to be alright when it comes to finding partners so they probably won't be on those sites as often.
 

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Almost everyone is willing. You just have to convince them that it's a good idea.

At first they see you as a freak. But, if you are genuine, they will soon understand that you love just the same as anyone else, that the only difference is how it reflects outwardly.

If you are not genuine, they will see right through you and know that you're just a manslut.
 

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MOTM September 2012
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I hate to say it, but I'm not really a fan of the polyamorous lifestyle. I've seen two instances where people used the "lifestyle" to meet a new partner to leave their spouse. Then again, perhaps genuinely polyamorous people are rather rare.
 

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My wife and I have also found there to be slim pickings on OKC. What complicates things is that there are different approaches to polyamory, and many different takes on what it means.
 

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Well, same with nudists and swingers, I've noticed.

Seriously, some big people at swinger meetups. Many of them kinda sad.

I'll lay this out here not to judge--because, really, I'm the last to judge--but I have seen that women who participate in things like swinging and polyamory tend to have been sexually abused as children, and a major correlate to childhood sexual abuse in later life is eating disorders. Not all are obese: Some are anorexic/bulimic.

This isn't to diss on anyone who freely chooses that lifestyle. Just noticed that usually, a woman wants a man to herself and will maybe tolerate knowing in the back of her mind that he's seeing someone else on business trips if the rest of the deal suits her. It's rare to find one who will openly tolerate another woman present for very long, unless she just doesn't think much of herself following on some sort of trauma. It usually works out better when there are multiple men for a single woman, though that usually only lasts as long as the men can all keep an interest in her, or until she gets pregnant or comes down with an STD.

There's a lot to be said for monogamy as an ideal, even though almost none of us actually live up to it.
 

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Well, same with nudists and swingers, I've noticed.

Seriously, some big people at swinger meetups. Many of them kinda sad.

I'll lay this out here not to judge--because, really, I'm the last to judge--but I have seen that women who participate in things like swinging and polyamory tend to have been sexually abused as children, and a major correlate to childhood sexual abuse in later life is eating disorders. Not all are obese: Some are anorexic/bulimic.

This isn't to diss on anyone who freely chooses that lifestyle. Just noticed that usually, a woman wants a man to herself and will maybe tolerate knowing in the back of her mind that he's seeing someone else on business trips if the rest of the deal suits her. It's rare to find one who will openly tolerate another woman present for very long, unless she just doesn't think much of herself following on some sort of trauma. It usually works out better when there are multiple men for a single woman, though that usually only lasts as long as the men can all keep an interest in her, or until she gets pregnant or comes down with an STD.

There's a lot to be said for monogamy as an ideal, even though almost none of us actually live up to it.
Interesting observations, and I would agree with some of the conclusions, but would suggest that some may have a deeper meaning that what one would assume at first glance.

For instance:

It's rare to find one who will openly tolerate another woman present for very long, unless she just doesn't think much of herself following on some sort of trauma.
The underlying societal assumption here is that if a woman "tolerates" another woman, her value is lower than a woman who does not. Or that her man must love her less, so it would take a woman with low self image to accept it. I would suggest that this is a learned belief, much like it may be a learned belief by some that being gay is a sinful decision, or that when a man meets "the one" woman he wants to marry, his sexual/romantic interest in others is supposed to magically disappear. Just because it is taught to us, does not make it correct or right.

but I have seen that women who participate in things like swinging and polyamory tend to have been sexually abused as children, and a major correlate to childhood sexual abuse in later life is eating disorders. Not all are obese: Some are anorexic/bulimic.
This may also be true, and can also be applied to drug abuse or stripping. However, there are strippers and recreational drug users who were not abused as children and are well-adjusted adults. The danger of these types of generalizations are real. I knew a couple who was struggling with their decision to enter polyamory. They shared with me that they had gone to two therapists for counseling on it. One therapist took a dim view of polyamory, the other took a positive view. One therapist suggested that one spouse might have been abused as a child, the other suggested that the other spouse might have been abused as a child. Both claim that neither were.

Just noticed that usually, a woman wants a man to herself and will maybe tolerate knowing in the back of her mind that he's seeing someone else on business trips if the rest of the deal suits her.
I am sure this happens, and surely more than healthy polyamorous relationships. But again, to me it is not a wholesale condemnation of polyamory, but more a sad set of circumstances.

I, for one, would never get involved with another woman unless she also were to develop at least a friendship with my wife. (the reverse also holds true). In this way, we both would benefit from the relationship in some way, and it would be less likely to cause rifts and problems in the future. There are other polyamorous people who feel this way.
 

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I'm going to admit to a heckalot of ignorance on the subject, but I would posit that if there are a disproportional amount of unattractive people it is because they have fewer options. A hot female can "demand" monogamy (because she can have her pick of sexual partners for the most part) while a less attractive one has to "settle." Speaking in sweeping generalizations of course...
 
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Interesting observations, and I would agree with some of the conclusions, but would suggest that some may have a deeper meaning that what one would assume at first glance.

For instance:

And as always in such predicaments, I need to respond with:

"But that's the way to bet".

And that's my response to your whole response. :)

Like most revolutionaries, you have your work cut out for you. If you have a deep relationship with your wife that you really treasure and it's not just one of these roommate things (as I think most "marriages" really are), I hope for your sake that whatever you do doesn't endanger it.

See, I've done this. And it was fun for a while. It served my needs and those of the others at the time, and I thought it could have gone on far longer. But in these things even among the most rational and groovy types, eventually whomever is sharing starts thinking "Wait a second: Why is it I don't deserve a full pie? What's wrong with me that I have to settle for a slice?" At that point they usually start to wander and find it's not too hard to find someone who will offer the full pie (or at least agree with the premise that the full pie should be offered). That tends to complicate the main sharing agreement.

None of this has anything to do with how people act in reality. The majority of people seem to act in a polyamorous way at one time or another (cf. cheating). So, it's actual human behavior, but we can't yet accommodate it as ideal human behavior. For that, we'll have to wait for a time when women are content with being just another hole that gets poked by a guy who gets around, and are proud enough about it to tell mom and dad and all her friends at the high school reunion.

Until that day, it's mainly a fun diversion that tends to act as a relationship accelerator.

Be well!
 

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For that, we'll have to wait for a time when women are content with being just another hole that gets poked by a guy who gets around, and are proud enough about it to tell mom and dad and all her friends at the high school reunion.
I think some poly women might take offense to that characterization of them. My wife is polyamorous, and she stood up to her mother on it, and they have been estranged ever since. You have no idea what personal strength that took.

If you see the totality of polyamory for women as "being just another hole that gets poked by a guy who gets around", then I don't think you understand what it's all about.
 

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I think some poly women might take offense to that characterization of them. My wife is polyamorous, and she stood up to her mother on it, and they have been estranged ever since. You have no idea what personal strength that took.

If you see the totality of polyamory for women as "being just another hole that gets poked by a guy who gets around", then I don't think you understand what it's all about.
Oh, I know it took strength. Most women don't have it. Most of them don't need to have it.

And as to your second statement, I think I could say the same to you. As I said, I've been through this. It's fun for a while.
 
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