[Jennywawa88]

If you are a ONE, I would like to know about your experiences, if any, with type SIX personalities. I am type SIX and it seems to me that I have an especially hard time getting along with type ONE personalities. I can be civil with them, but to have any kind of in depth relationship is always a struggle that I just don't consider worth my time. I am trying to understand what its like to be a ONE and have to put up with me, a SIX, and I figured, what better way than to hear it from the horse's mouth, so to speak. As an example, I will list some of the problems that I frequently have with ONES.
For example, I get frustrated with ONES because it seems that not only am I constantly pissing them off, which I don't understand, but when they are mad at me, they are always very indirect about it. In fact, they pretty much just pretend that there is nothing wrong, but then they will start to "punish" or "correct" me for my actions. But don't worry, they aren't mad or anything, they are just directing me down a better path. I don't have any respect for that. I'm a very reasonable person. If I've done something to offend someone, I'd like them to come to me and tell me so that we can work on it together and get to a better place in our relationship. But lying to me about being angry with me, when it is VERY obvious that you are, and then trying to change me to be more like you want me to be so that I won't make you angry anymore is just unacceptable. That makes ME angry. Have any of you ONES experienced this with a SIX?
Another example: It seems like all the ONES I've ever known have this very low tolerance for mistakes. I'll admit when I make a mistake, and I'll step up and take what I have to take for it, but ONES just seem to harp me over and over and over again about things that really don't deserve that much attention and it drives me CRAZY because I am just trying to move on with life, but they want to rehash the tiniest thing that I did like its going to make any kind of difference. I don't feel like thats fair to me. But if I tell them that, they get mad, but pretend they aren't mad, and then they try to punish me for making them mad, and the cycle continues. It just seems like they harp on every tiny thing.
One last example: The ONES that I have known always seem to be convinced that they are perfect. But really more than that, that they are the only people who are perfect. So when I try to tell them that there is something that they are doing that isn't very helpful, they tell me that I only think that because I'm so imperfect. I have a ONE in my life right now that will then begin to tell me that he is so perfect that he needs to take it upon himself to help me be a better person because he has all the answers to the problems of the world. It drives me nuts that they won't listen to me or even admit that perhaps they have problems too.
So anyways, I'm thinking that maybe as a SIX there is something that I'm just not understanding about them. I know that ONES have a very hard time looking at their bad sides, but it seems like all the ONES I know adhere to this in the most rediculous ways. I would like to have a relationship with a ONE that did not consist of them always "correcting" me because I've committed a "sin" or done something else that is not considered acceptable to them. I just don't know how to do this. Soooooooo anyways, I think I would benefit greatly from a ONE'S perspective on ME, a SIX. I wanna know what its like to be you guys, dealing with people like me.

 

[akmcarpenoctem]

I don't know what kind of type 1s you're hanging out with, but personally, I haven't acted as unrepentantly childish as you have described since I was like 14.

I am dating (& living with) a 6. He and I are actually more alike than different. We value a lot of the same things, and agree on a lot of different issues. We both are very stable, change-resistant people. Although our tritypes do also kind of coincide (I'm 1-6-4 and he's a 6-1-2).

I will admit that sometimes we can get into some pretty idiotic fights. And yes, sometimes I will slip back into the behaviors you described -- getting pissed off and pretending nothing is wrong; harping on & on about mistakes; acting like I'm right and he never can be. But for the most part, I think I've become mature enough that I can say, "Yeah, I'm pissed right now", & admit if I made a mistake or misspoke or something.

I have definitely started a fight before about the way the laundry was folded. Sorry, I nitpick. I also do criticizing & judging well. I have accepted this about myself but have also done my best to be aware of/minimize my disagreeable nature & work towards compromise (which every relationship needs).
And believe me, no type 1 truly thinks they're perfect. They just do their best to act that way because they know just how imperfect they actually are.

Knowing my 6 guy pretty well, i'd have to say that some of his traits irritate me.

Like how it takes FOREVER for him to come to a decision about even the smallest things (like whether or not to buy headphones). How he starts worrying about the most insignificant things. How he comes home from work all worked up because he thinks his coworkers are going to make up lies about him & get him fired (even though he does nothing wrong).

I will tell you that I can be very harsh or nitpicking as a One. I do try to curb that, but when I'm having a horrible day, I tend not to watch my tongue. However, I usually will apologize for it at a later date, and my 6 boyfriend usually forgives me. He has developed pretty thick skin and has a ton of patience....I think that is definitely needed if you're going to be with a One.

 

[Jennywawa88]

I had thought that perhaps they were really unhealthy ONES, in which case I guess I just have bad luck in attracting them to myself. One of them is an old friend and two of them are supervisors at work.
It would make sense to me that SIXES and ONES are more alike than different anyway, so the inability to get along with these people is confusing above all else. I usually see the two as being so similar that for a while I had thought that perhaps I was a ONE, as did my best friend. So I, perhaps foolishly, expected us to get along better, but my biggest disagreements happen with them above all the other personality types that I know. And its always the same thing: I do something that I think is harmless, they notice it and become outraged out my egregiousness, they passive-aggressively confront me about it and demand that I admit my wrongs and submit to change, etc. For the most part I think the stuff they sat is ridiculous, though they have brought up some valid points, and I give them full credit for those valid points, as I would to anybody.
The laundry thing is funny though, I have to admit, because my husband, who is a NINE, has done the same thing to me before. He didn't really start a fight I don't think, but it was funny cuz he was like, "Hey Jenny, can you maybe do a favor and start folding the laundry in this way I like cuz I don't like how you do it." I was like, "Seriously?" He said, "Yeah, just do it ok? It really bothers me." So I said, ok, and went on about my business. Maybe that is his ONE wing poking its little head out or something.
I understand the SIX things you mentioned because I am 1000% guilty of all those things you mentioned. Especially the whole making decisions things, and trust me, I'm REALLY bad at that. One of the things that really overhwelms is when I have to pick out my coffee creamer each morning. We have a bottle of caramel and bottle of vanilla and it may take five minutes, litterally, to pick one. Somedays I can't pick, so I just use both. I can see how those things are irritating to others. My husband gets irritated with that almost on a daily basis.
But anyways, thank you for your response. It was very enlightening and very insightful for me. You've helped me to put it in a new perspective. Truely to me it seems as if they are all just really unhealthy for whatever reason and I'm sure there are things about my personality that just rub them the wrong way. I will work on developing some thick skin for myself, something that does not come naturally as a SIX, and I'll try to be more patient with them.

 

[jbking]

If you take the Hurley-Dobson theory of the Enneagram, then a major difference between a ONE and a SIX would be the interpretative centers used. A SIX uses the thinking center while a ONE uses the gut center, which could be where one is more reflective and the other is more likely to go first and ask questions later. Thus, you could have the situation that you're seeing things and think it is obvious but that a ONE may not so easily see partially because of denial or some other factor that hasn't been touched yet. In seeing things from different centers, that can be a major factor to consider here.

Another point to ponder is that these are both Responders. Thus, it is more likely that in response to something that you'll see the problem rather than looking forward or back as both ONEs and SIXs share a time orientation of now.

 

[cyamitide]

For example, I get frustrated with ONES because it seems that not only am I constantly pissing them off, which I don't understand, but when they are mad at me, they are always very indirect about it. In fact, they pretty much just pretend that there is nothing wrong, but then they will start to "punish" or "correct" me for my actions. But don't worry, they aren't mad or anything, they are just directing me down a better path. I don't have any respect for that. I'm a very reasonable person. If I've done something to offend someone, I'd like them to come to me and tell me so that we can work on it together and get to a better place in our relationship. But lying to me about being angry with me, when it is VERY obvious that you are, and then trying to change me to be more like you want me to be so that I won't make you angry anymore is just unacceptable. That makes ME angry. Have any of you ONES experienced this with a SIX?

Ones repress anger, so they might not be aware that they are angry with you in the first place. I was watching a video of a type One man on youtube and he was recounting a story how he would raise his voice in conversations with his family and friends, and they would ask him "why are you so angry?" and he would say, or rather yell "I am not angry!". Ones can distance, blank out their own anger like that and then act out in passive-aggressive punitive ways.

So anyways, I'm thinking that maybe as a SIX there is something that I'm just not understanding about them. I know that ONES have a very hard time looking at their bad sides, but it seems like all the ONES I know adhere to this in the most rediculous ways. I would like to have a relationship with a ONE that did not consist of them always "correcting" me because I've committed a "sin" or done something else that is not considered acceptable to them. I just don't know how to do this. Soooooooo anyways, I think I would benefit greatly from a ONE'S perspective on ME, a SIX. I wanna know what its like to be you guys, dealing with people like me.

It does sound like these people have very strong type One fixations which are not characteristic of all 1s.
If these people are close to you, you can try teaching them the enneagram.

 

[Coburn]

I'm sure I've met sixes, but I can't distinctly remember any sixes I've met.

I am easily exasperated by worriers, though.

 

[a space whale]

@Jennywawa88 - to me your post just reads like a bog standard "nobody understands my unique brilliance" vent, and the enneagram stuff is just filler. Be it true or or not, assigning a NUMBER to every disagreement isn't going to do you any good in the long term. It doesn't actually resolve anything, and the assigning is completely arbitrary, such that you'll always set the scene in your favour and never challenge yourself to change or improve at all.

 

[Arkendale]

I think some of these concerns are due to the immaturity of the ONEs you're interacting with.

On some of our less than ideal levels, Ones are endlessly fault-finding and passive-aggressive. Their wing will also factor into things. I suspect that the Nine wingers will be less likely to admit that they are angry, since they tend to detach themselves from the world as their way of dealing with things. Two wingers may be less likely to admit their own faults, but may also be more likely to seek restoration in the relationship since they value people as part of their own self-worth.

Conflict can also derive from differences of ideals/standards. For Ones, the "right way" simply exists - it IS. Everything they do is connected and evaluated by that omnipresent standard. The specific applications of this standard are rarely well articulated, resulting in criticisms which may seem quite arbitrary to the logic of a Six. Less well developed Ones are especially guilty of this, since their "right way" is often blown out of proportion so that they may feel insulted if asked to explain the reasoning behind their criticism. Also, Ones at lesser stages are often obsessed with their own failure to meet their high standard, are angry at themselves for failing, and tend to channel that anger against others unfairly. Ones with Two wings have a harder time not taking out their anger on other in a passive-aggressive way because both types demand a self-image of doing right and helping people (not being angry). Ones with Nine wings can be passive aggressive, but only due to their disconnectedness with reality - they deny that the offense is personal, even when it's painfully obvious that the offense is completely personal. They desire to be unaffected and right, rather than helpful and right, but the result can be quite similar.

Sixes can annoy me, but primarily because they worry, they demand details for things that don't matter, and skip details on things that do matter.

Granted, I try to make sure criticism is constructive and that, ideally, I can explain the big picture, so that future questions can be nipped in the bud.

I guess the other potential annoyance with Sixes comes when less-developed Sixes employ the "false martyr" tactic. This is when it's obvious that the Six can't do what I'm asking of them, but then say that they will practically kill themselves in order to make me happy - throwing the nobility of their "sacrifice" in my face. This deeply insults me. It implies that 1) I don't care about the Six's well-being, 2) my request is completely unreasonable, and 3) that the Six is more noble than god himself.

Thankfully, most Sixes are mature enough not to engage in those annoying actions. Just as most Ones don't do the childish things the OP observed.

Finally, it may also be easy for Ones to view Sixes as "needy" because they demand such methodical, logical, step-by-step instructions. It's fairly easy to see how Ones could condescend to Sixes who seem too shortsighted not to see the TRUTH embodied in the One's big picture.

Conflict usually results because the One demands context (big picture prioritizing), while the Six demands the text (step-by-step instruction).

At least, that's how I have experienced the interaction between these two Enneagram types.

 

[Arkendale]

On a personal note:

After considering this type interaction, I'm fairly certain that my soon-to-be-fiance is a Six. It has definitely been a learning experience, but it's been a fun one.

She needs things to be clearly spelled out in step-by-step ways with clear purposes and goals. I can usually just "wing it" in a sense. Not in the sense that I don't want things to turn out perfectly (believe me, I most certainly do), but that my view of worldly perfection includes grace for the unexpected and the unforeseen and acceptance that not everything can/should/needs to be planned for.

It's been very interesting to see in my own development how, even though I'm directed by my "gut instinct" most of the time, my Two wing drives me to articulate my vision to others. Ideally, in the form of teaching and inspiring rather than critically commanding. This drive to articulate is what has made me pursue intellectual things (law in my case)and ways to communicate effectively.

It's that Two-wing's drive to communicate effectively that has made my relationship with my Six girlfriend work.

It has been so much fun to learn about her way of thinking. It's essentially the exact inverse of my own.

The point I think I'm trying to make is this:

Ones and Sixes clearly have points of conflict (just as any other type interaction - and heaven forbid you have to see two Ones clash on an issue!), but mature people of any type can build a great relationship with the right attitude and work.

There are myriad ways this has popped up in our relationship, but "plan-every-detail" vs. "Just plan flexibly enough for humanity" conflict covers a great deal. It also helps that our underlying values are in almost total agreement, otherwise the One in me would probably storm off in some sort of passive-aggressive Self-Righteous huff

 

[Jennywawa88]

Yes, by those descriptions, she sounds very much like a SIX. I am a SIX and I also very much want things spelled out clearly for me ahead of time. It is because if I know what I'm about to become involved with, then I have a better chance of outsmarting it and dominating it. Understanding something in very open and spelled out terms helps SIXES to feel safer. Like there won't be any negative surprises that could pop out at any time. We like the oppertunity to be prepared.
Your perspective on life sounds so beautiful and very enlightened. You should know that most SIXES will find it overwhelming to try and adopt such a mind set. "Wing-it" is usually not in our vocabulary. So there may be some struggles there for the two of you. It's good that you seem to have so much patience.
I'm not surprised that you feel that your TWO wing has made such great contributions to your relationship with your girlfriend. As a SIX, I have always found that I can get along with most TWOs almost perfectly and effortlessly most of the time. (Not at all like my relationships with ONEs.) I think it has to do with this natural symbiotic relationship that forms between the two personalities. TWOs are always so giving and they are always looking for a need to fill because they believe that that will make others love them. SIXes are always looking for someone who can fill their needs because their deepest desire is for the support of others, which TWOs dish out constantly. In return, the SIX is always praising the TWO and giving attention to the TWO, trying to keep the TWO close because of all the good things the TWO will doo for them. This makes the TWO feel loved and valued, which is all they ever wanted in the first place, and the cycle continues all over again. So anyways, that my nutshell theory of why SIXes and TWOs just seem to click in a better way than most. I have a very blatant trend of getting along so much easier and better with TWOs than almost any other number, though there are rare ecceptions to that rule.
Thank you for your post. It was a pleasure to read what you had to say. :happy:

 

[Joetheone]

You should just put all those unhealthy Ones in their place. I know we tend to be angry some some reason and maybe punish if it is making us really resentful. But stop all that cycle from its roots.

Nobody is perfect and if those Ones don't understand point it out. Sixes are reactive in different ways that I sense I need to be tactful in my approach and sometimes sixes have this negative tendencies which can be harsh. But that doesn't mean one have this full-time reformer attitude and walk all over you.

I guess two fill fullfil your needs and ones will tell you you should fix this at your own expense. It also depends 1w2 how giving they are.