[friction]

I wouldn't say I was depressed (I may well be, but I don't want to do a disservice to those who are actually suffering from it if this is not depression), but that I'm very dissatisfied with my life...
- I don't have any friends I can talk to.
- My work schedule leaves me little time to do anything during the weekdays.
- My weekends are completely free but I'm not motivated to go out.
- I don't get enough appreciation at work or home (where I live with family).
- I do like my job, but I feel isolated in it.
- i crave social contact but the statistics show no one finds me very interesting or 'worth it'.

I don't see any value in myself and judge myself by the lack of friends I have (if no one cares about me, I guess I must be unlovable).

I see the future as simply the interim between now and death. I can't 'leave' because my ties to my family members make me feel obligated to consider how it would affect them. They would like me to find a man and make a life, but I don't want to. I don't want another tie to someone.

At the same time. I detest life because there's no one who needs or values me or makes me feel wanted/important to them. I wish I could find someone but I'm not in the best position to do that. I'm picky about who I like and spend many months interacting with someone before deciding I would like to investigate a relationship. But there's no one eligible at work, and any other method of meeting people won't allow me to first observe from afar. So I don't see myself meeting anyone. And if there's no one significant in my life then there's not much to live for. And there's no reason to do anything because there's no one to share the happiness with.

There's just space, between now and the end.

There's no question I want to ask. I guess I'll just see how this goes.

 

[Eluquise]

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but honestly, I'm in the same boat. I'm in my last year of homeschooling and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing, which makes me sick with myself. Not having many friends(or at least any that you see on a regular basis) is tough and I can relate to that too. I've always felt that it was because I wasn't a very fun person, like maybe I didn't have enough to offer.

I think animals are great in these situations. My cats have taken my mind off of a lot of things.

 

[Marac]

I wouldn't say I was depressed (I may well be, but I don't want to do a disservice to those who are actually suffering from it if this is not depression), but that I'm very dissatisfied with my life...
- I don't have any friends I can talk to.
- My work schedule leaves me little time to do anything during the weekdays.
- My weekends are completely free but I'm not motivated to go out.
- I don't get enough appreciation at work or home (where I live with family).
- I do like my job, but I feel isolated in it.
- i crave social contact but the statistics show no one finds me very interesting or 'worth it'.

I don't see any value in myself and judge myself by the lack of friends I have (if no one cares about me, I guess I must be unlovable).

I see the future as simply the interim between now and death. I can't 'leave' because my ties to my family members make me feel obligated to consider how it would affect them. They would like me to find a man and make a life, but I don't want to. I don't want another tie to someone.

At the same time. I detest life because there's no one who needs or values me or makes me feel wanted/important to them. I wish I could find someone but I'm not in the best position to do that. I'm picky about who I like and spend many months interacting with someone before deciding I would like to investigate a relationship. But there's no one eligible at work, and any other method of meeting people won't allow me to first observe from afar. So I don't see myself meeting anyone. And if there's no one significant in my life then there's not much to live for. And there's no reason to do anything because there's no one to share the happiness with.

There's just space, between now and the end.

There's no question I want to ask. I guess I'll just see how this goes.

Have you tried communicating to your family how you feel?

You said you had obligations to stay with them. However, if they are accustomed to relying too much on you though, it can make things really hard for you. So, it can be in some cases a good idea to gain some independence (and then you can focus more about what you want to do with your own life).

I think it would be a good idea to try to make some friends. Hobbies/activities is often a good place to befriend people. What are you interested in?

The fact that you can't be with your friends any more than during the weekends shouldn't be a problem.

Also, are there any other jobs, which you also might like, that would give you some more spare time?

 

[stephiphi]

I have no answer to your lack of question. Nor do I have advice, wisdom, or insight.

But I hear you. And I'm here for you, even though we don't know one another. I can also relate to feeling unlovable because I felt like I had no real friends; I've been there.

That's all I really have to give.

 

[teddy564339]

I wouldn't say I was depressed (I may well be, but I don't want to do a disservice to those who are actually suffering from it if this is not depression), but that I'm very dissatisfied with my life...
- I don't have any friends I can talk to.
- My work schedule leaves me little time to do anything during the weekdays.
- My weekends are completely free but I'm not motivated to go out.
- I don't get enough appreciation at work or home (where I live with family).
- I do like my job, but I feel isolated in it.
- i crave social contact but the statistics show no one finds me very interesting or 'worth it'.

I don't see any value in myself and judge myself by the lack of friends I have (if no one cares about me, I guess I must be unlovable).

I see the future as simply the interim between now and death. I can't 'leave' because my ties to my family members make me feel obligated to consider how it would affect them. They would like me to find a man and make a life, but I don't want to. I don't want another tie to someone.

At the same time. I detest life because there's no one who needs or values me or makes me feel wanted/important to them. I wish I could find someone but I'm not in the best position to do that. I'm picky about who I like and spend many months interacting with someone before deciding I would like to investigate a relationship. But there's no one eligible at work, and any other method of meeting people won't allow me to first observe from afar. So I don't see myself meeting anyone. And if there's no one significant in my life then there's not much to live for. And there's no reason to do anything because there's no one to share the happiness with.

There's just space, between now and the end.

There's no question I want to ask. I guess I'll just see how this goes.

There are no easy solutions to things like this, but I agree with some of the things Marac said.


First, in regards to family...I think it's really helpful to understand that your happiness has to be the most important thing. If your family loves you, then they want you to be happy more than anything else. You can't spend your whole life trying to make them happy...you have to make sure you're happy in your own life, even if they don't agree with every decision.


As far as friends and relationships go...it might be helpful to look online if you're not as comfortable going out to places. You can try online dating sites for relationships, and there are online meet-up groups that meet locally for all kinds of different hobbies.

It's really hard to put yourself out there sometimes, since it can be a scary thing. But I think sometimes it's one of those risks you have to take in order to be happy. It's not going to work out every time, so you can't let setbacks convince you that you're wasting your time...you just have to stick with it.


I understand the feeling of not having enough energy to do this on weekends, and unfortunately we're in a tough economic time, making work even more stressful.



So again, there's no easy solution. I think it just helps sometimes if you analyze things, think about what makes you unhappy, and figure out what would make you happy. Then you have to think about potential solutions, and be willing to try new things, even if they don't always go well.



That's just my take on the situation.

 

[bob_toeback]

I can relate. Not so much, but still. For awhile I was really down and out. Im starting to come out of it, have been for awhile, and i enjoy life. I feel very isolated at work as well, mostly because I am the only one working during the day, so I dont get to talk with co-workers for the most part. I dont know how to meet people either really... I mean, I can just go and talk to someone, but I dont because Im too self conscious and stuff lol. Though Im working on it, I think you just gotta do it, theres nothing really holding you back. As for feeling obligated to your family, I think you have to find a way to be happy. You just have to find what you want in life and go for it.
hope that helped a bit, I think ISFJs (assuming thats what you are) tend to beat themselves up, and feel obligated to everyone. They try not to live for themselves, but they really should

 

[flight97]

I have definitely been this girl before and I still sometimes slip into this mentality. I think it's naturally very easy for ISFJs to fall into a depressed state because we compare ourselves to everyone around us and immediately write off our lack of natural social grace as "being unloved." I thought nobody cared about me for the longest time, and then recently I just kind of woke up and realized that I was forcing myself into that trap.

Remember, above everything, that you ARE loved and people DO care about you. I got over the hump of not being able to connect on the same level with other people -- I got over that hump by loosening up. I was always a really serious and uptight person because I was afraid of people judging me, and I am trying to adopt an "I don't give a damn what you think" attitude. It's a hard thing for an ISFJ to do! But adopt that attitude, loosen up, show off your wild/fun side, and I guarantee you that people will immediately be attracted towards you. Talk to people who you'd like to be friends with. Laugh a lot, smile, and just find the little things in life that make it all worth it.

As far as finding a reason to live...a friend of mine sent me this blog a little while back. He had no idea that I was going through this exact situation that you've described. I hated myself so much and hated life and didn't think it was worth living. And then I read this blog. I started to realize all the beautiful things in life that make this stupid crazy world worth observing and participating in. www.mols.tumblr.com. Read it and I promise you won't regret it. It basically turned my life around. (I'm highly affected by words, so this really struck a chord with me. Not sure if words affect you a lot, but if they do, then I think you should really really read this!)

 

[friction]

First off, thank you to everyone who replied. I'm glad I had something to come back to. It makes me feel less mentally alone.

I think animals are great in these situations. My cats have taken my mind off of a lot of things.

I've wanted a pet for a while but my circumstances don't permit it. Primarily, I thought if I could learn to 'lead' a dog I might build confidence. Humans are too complicated and emotionally stressful for me to practice on...

[1] Have you tried communicating to your family how you feel?

[2] You said you had obligations to stay with them. [...]
[3] I think it would be a good idea to try to make some friends. Hobbies/activities is often a good place to befriend people. What are you interested in? [...]
[4] Also, are there any other jobs, which you also might like, that would give you some more spare time?

[numbering added to make responding easier]

[1] I can't. Well, I don't want to. I watched them try to handle a similar case recently and it put them under a great deal of stress. They won't be able to handle two 'cases' so I can't tell them.

[2] 'Staying' and 'leaving' is sort of a metaphor for being alive...or not. 'Leaving' is not an option although I fantasise that I could 'leave' peacefully, so I don't feel guilty. I don't even know why I'm thinking about feeling guilty if I 'left' when obviously if I 'left' I wouldn't have any feelings. But still, for some reason, I care what memory of me I leave behind and as the judge of my own actions, I wouldn't like the verdict I would pass on myself.

[3]Yes, it would. But I don't know how to. I have a miserable track record when it comes to making friends. I can count on one hand the number of people I've had. The tally today stands at 0. The track record suggests I don't have what it takes to keep someone a friend. And I don't have the energy to invest in another friendship that will inevitably go bust.

[4]Not really. It's a tough market out here. And I like my job. I don't want to change jobs and add another variable to my life.

I have no answer to your lack of question. Nor do I have advice, wisdom, or insight.

But I hear you. And I'm here for you, even though we don't know one another. I can also relate to feeling unlovable because I felt like I had no real friends; I've been there.

That's all I really have to give.

This is what I needed to hear. I wish I had someone in real life say that to me. Just reading that was soothing.

[...] So again, there's no easy solution. I think it just helps sometimes if you analyze things, think about what makes you unhappy, and figure out what would make you happy. Then you have to think about potential solutions, and be willing to try new things, even if they don't always go well.

That was a lot of sensible advice and maybe in a better mood I would be willing to take it, but right now, I'm just too tired to. Sorry, but thank you.

I mean, I can just go and talk to someone, but I dont because Im too self conscious and stuff lol. Though Im working on it, I think you just gotta do it, theres nothing really holding you back.

What's holding me back at work is that sometimes I don't want to make conversation for the fun of it. If I've never spoken to someone much before and I need something from them, I just want to tell them what to do and have them do it. I don't want to 'warm up to the topic' and establish a relationship and make asinine conversation before slipping in what I want. Most people don't like being told what to do by someone they don't have some kind of relationship with, though, and I'm aware of this, so I find it very hard to talk to them.

I can (only) relax around people whom I've already had multiple occasions to talk to before about something. That's when I'm watching them and figuring out if I like them or not. With such people, I can make casual conversation because I've already decided I like them.

Remember, above everything, that you ARE loved and people DO care about you.

The only people who 'love' and 'care' about me would be my family, but that's not enough. Love because of blood-ties is an involuntary sort of love.

I got over the hump of not being able to connect on the same level with other people -- I got over that hump by loosening up. I was always a really serious and uptight person because I was afraid of people judging me, and I am trying to adopt an "I don't give a damn what you think" attitude. It's a hard thing for an ISFJ to do! But adopt that attitude, loosen up, show off your wild/fun side, and I guarantee you that people will immediately be attracted towards you. Talk to people who you'd like to be friends with. Laugh a lot, smile, and just find the little things in life that make it all worth it.

But being all that isn't me. Do I have to be easy-going, 'don't care what you think', be wild/fun, laugh a lot etc in order for people to like me? Life, then, is very sad. Some people attract others even when they're down and in a bad place. I don't understand (I really don't) why some people can be like that and still get support but for me it just seems to repel people... It reinforces my idea that I'm unlovable the way I am, and if I'm sad then it will repel people and makes me a burden.

www.mols.tumblr.com. Read it and I promise you won't regret it.

I will check out the blog though.

 

[floryshe]

view everyone as a potential friend and treat them as such. not everyone will reciprocate but you'll find someone who will. just take baby steps and eventually you'll find yourself in a great place.

also, i'll let you in on a little secret. you're right, there is no given meaning to this life. however, that doesn't mean you can't manufacture your own. take initiative. loosen up. stop running from point a. and stop chasing point b. live in the moment and find that you really are in the middle of a grand adventure. everything and everyone can be interesting if you just open yourself up.

 

[Ryosuke93]

Amazon.com: Man's Search for Meaning (9780807014271): Viktor E. Frankl: Books

This is my favorite book. It helps me understand life more. It helps me understand that life does have meaning. Now, maybe the "ultimate" meaning of life isn't something we can find ourselves...but Victor Frankl talks about how he found the little meanings of everyday life and how finding that is important into realizing how worthwhile and necessary it is to live. I feel encouraged by it during my darkest, most fatigued, and saddest times.

I went through depression before. It kind of feels like you are under some dark heavy cloud, a heavy sadness, that no matter how much you try to lift it off you, it comes back again and again. You cry more than usual. You are tired more than usual. You are overwhelmed. You don't enjoy much of anything anymore, and if you do, it is only for a short while, until those sad feelings set back in. Also, everything feels meaningless. Well, that is from my experience and from what I have learned in grad school (healthcare profession).

I slowly got back to a sense of well-being by physically taking care of myself ("yoga for dummies" dvd!), watching some comedy and Disney movies, going to the beach, making time to be with others, reading fun, uplifting stories. This happened in high school and so I also found a very trustworthy and kind school counselor to talk about issues and it made such a difference for me. She was very sweet, non-judgmental and encouraging. Talking it out with someone who really cares and knows what the pain of depression and sadness is like is very helpful. Anyways, the road back for me was a little long because the depression was intense, but it was worth the effort, even if I didn't feel any results at first.

I hope you ISFJs feel better soon. You are one of my favorite personality types! I love how hardworking and caring each one of you are. Please, the world needs you here. There are many people out there who appreciate you, even if you may have not met them yet. I pray that all of you can find hope for your future, no matter how bleak it seems.

May this little letter be a way to offer my sincere and unwavering support for you all.

 

[Ryosuke93]

But being all that isn't me. Do I have to be easy-going, 'don't care what you think', be wild/fun, laugh a lot etc in order for people to like me? Life, then, is very sad. Some people attract others even when they're down and in a bad place. I don't understand (I really don't) why some people can be like that and still get support but for me it just seems to repel people... It reinforces my idea that I'm unlovable the way I am, and if I'm sad then it will repel people and makes me a burden.

Aw, no you don't have to be anything that you don't feel like you aren't naturally. Just wait, maybe you haven't met them yet, but there are people who appreciate the quiet and friendly ISFJs, you ISFJs who are deeply caring and full of kindness. If you met people who are hostile towards you for being who you are, then it is their loss. Continue to be who you are and one day you will attract those who appreciate you. It may take some time, but they will find you soon. Also, maybe...be on the lookout for them too. Potential good friends might be right where you least expect them to be.

 

[stephiphi]

I've already made my contribution to this thread, but I can't shake the feeling that your signature speaks so much to your situation, @friction.

"If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got."

 

[bob_toeback]

@friction - Yeah I get it, and I think thats good that you want to be able to tell people what to do, or ask them what you need. Im not too good at that, but Im getting there. I think the thing is, you dont need to talk to them and then suddenly slip in what you really want, chances are they will dislike this more than simply being asked for something. Just when you have a minute you can talk to them (another thing I have difficulties with at times) and maybe find out you do like them more than you wouldve from a far. or maybe you dislike them, but you can still co-exist, especially since you will be anyways.

 

[friction]

Aw, no you don't have to be anything that you don't feel like you aren't naturally. Just wait, maybe you haven't met them yet, but there are people who appreciate the quiet and friendly ISFJs, you ISFJs who are deeply caring and full of kindness. If you met people who are hostile towards you for being who you are, then it is their loss. Continue to be who you are and one day you will attract those who appreciate you. It may take some time, but they will find you soon. Also, maybe...be on the lookout for them too. Potential good friends might be right where you least expect them to be.

I guess I'm not one of those 'full of kindness' ISFJs because if I were a good and nice person, I shouldn't still be alone. I'm an adult and I still don't have any friends. There has to be a reason for this. It can't be that everyone is shit. Or that I haven't found the right people yet. It must be me. How else can a person go through a fair chunk of life and never know what it means to be wanted? It may sound whiny, but there's just something about me that doesn't take off with people. I don't even have friends on here and one would have thought after a good few months on here people would make a few friends. It's probably my unapproachability and the way I hold back a lot, but I don't know how to fix that - and more to the point, almost don't want to, because it defines who I am right now (and who I've been all my life). And as crappy a definition as it may be, it's still something to hold on to. Something stable amidst all the confusion and sadness. Or maybe, to quote a popular song: I've become 'addicted to a certain kind of sadness'...

@stephiphi, I know. That's why it's my signature. But I don't want to change when I'm the only constant in my world... I guess I'm not looking for a strategy because I just needed to let out my thoughts and emotions. It had been building up in me too long. I was hoping, I guess, to get back some 'yeah, i know how you feel' and comforting words, but I got advice. The thing is, I'm not ready to take advice yet, because these problems I face are just one layer of many, and I can't explain all my problems on here in much detail because I'm scared too much info will identify me to someone... and additionally, on some level, I feel I don't deserve to be happy because I haven't done anything to earn it.

 

[Ryosuke93]

@friction

How is your Fe function? Your empathy? Are those high? If it is, then it really still can just be the people around you. Good friends are hard to come by nowadays. A friend who is willing to get to know the real you, despite your shyness, is hard to find. But don't lost hope!

Here is also a page that talks about "personal growth" for ISFJs. It helped me grow as an ENFJ, maybe you will find something useful too. Or it might be totally off and not help. Either way, it is a really good webpage to explore. There is a portrait, arrows, and heart icon which leads you to other aspects of the personality that may be interesting for you to read.

ISFJ Personal Growth

 

[stephiphi]

@friction, yeah I got that feeling from your OP. I understand how frustrating it is when you are being told what you should be doing when all you want is someone who will just shut up and listen to you.

It is also pretty hard to just flat-out communicate that when you know that everyone has good intentions.

 

[flight97]

The only people who 'love' and 'care' about me would be my family, but that's not enough. Love because of blood-ties is an involuntary sort of love.

But being all that isn't me. Do I have to be easy-going, 'don't care what you think', be wild/fun, laugh a lot etc in order for people to like me? Life, then, is very sad. Some people attract others even when they're down and in a bad place. I don't understand (I really don't) why some people can be like that and still get support but for me it just seems to repel people... It reinforces my idea that I'm unlovable the way I am, and if I'm sad then it will repel people and makes me a burden.

I read somewhere, a few years ago, that your family's love doesn't count because "they have to love you." Please know that this is not true WHATSOEVER. My best friend has basically fallen out with his family almost entirely, wants nothing to do with them, and hates going home because there's simply no love between them. So, I'm just saying, it's still really special when your family loves you. Please, please don't discredit this kind of love. It's so much stronger than you think it is.

I know what it's like to feel that you're a burden. I know so, so well. Every day of my life, I struggle with my non-assertiveness and passivity because I'm afraid of being troublesome or a burden to anybody. I also know what it's like to feel unlovable. You don't need to be wild, fun, and carefree to have people love you. But I find that happiness is what attracts other people to you. Self-confidence is attractive. Also, believing that you are worth something is attractive. The people who seem to attract others and make friends have some kind of charisma to them; and that charisma honestly only comes with confidence and (as cliche as it sounds) an "inner light."

I've seen people make friends while they're down in the dumps and hating on themselves. It's easy to feel jealous of their so-called ability to make friends like that, but please don't cut yourself down because of that. That's an entirely different lane of friendship; their friendship is almost a "I feel bad for you; I know you have so much more potential but you just don't see it and I wish you could see it" friendship. That's an unequal friendship -- I've been in those before and believe me when I say you don't want that kind of friendship. You want a friendship where both of you are loved, happy, and appreciated.

 

[ENTPfemme]

Great Sex and Lots of High end Chocolate. done

 

[pinkscarlett23]

okay i'm only a teenager and so i don't relate to some of the stuff you're saying like the work issue. but sometimes i also judge myself. i feel insecure. i compare myself to other girls. i am not the most popular girl in school and so i'm not friends with everybody. i sometimes feel so alone as well. i sometimes wish i have more friends like most people. but then i realized that its better to have only a few really close friends than a LOT that actually don't care about you. i think you should try getting more out there. i know it can be hard. i am not a very out going person so i would know. but just try. and do not ever think that you're not worth it. you are! sometimes it can be hard to believe cus we easily judged ourselves but thinking that we're not worth it will not make you feel better. oh and you said that your weekends are free... that's great! take that chance to go out and have some fun. a little fun can't hurt you. relax and enjoy yourself. you'll see it'll help. maybe you'll meet some new people. oh and im sure your family appreciates you they might not show it that often but they do. they need you. i know the feeling of being unwanted. its not good. just to let you know that im here for you-even though we don't know each other and i am teenager and you're an adult. ooh but maybe we can help each other out! idk how but maybe by talking? message me if u want

i hoped i helped you. idk if i did. :L cus i think im just babbling on about nonsense...

 

[G_o_L_D]

I myself have gone through such thoughts inside my head. There have been times that I have litterally shed tears because I thought "Oh how great it would be if some random person came up to me and said how appriciative you have been in my life", but alas it doesn't always work that way. I know that with my E type being a 9 and my personality being an ISFJ and being a male I have an uphill battle I'm facing in the way of making friends and achieving a relationships that I would like.

The thing that keeps me going is the fact I still hold hope that things will change for the better, and that everyday is a new day and a new start for me. I have my ups and my downs, I try not to let my downs rule my life.

We all get down on ourselves, we all have our own irrational fears regarding life. @friction, you are not an isolated case. I say this because I myself have walked in your shoes before.