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5,675 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Some of you remember that I was in a tenuous relationship with a verified type-8 INFJ, and my status is now single, and I have not yet written any words about it.

I'd like to write about that subject.

From its inception, our relationship was to be temporary. That was what she told me the first time we kissed.

I was confident that I'd prepared my formidable emotional walls and so was she. We were both type-8's and we were both certain that neither would betray weakness to the other. We'd both stay strong, as rational adults should.

When she cried in my arms, I held her with all the support and respect that I had and she knew that she could trust me, though she expressed shock, time and again, that she could trust anyone.

Later that night, she told me that she was feeling for me more than she'd have dreamed possible, the barriers went down and my fantasies began to take hold. She told me she was afraid to commit, but I knew she could face her fear.

Or, I hoped.

Her energy and brightness waned. Her emotions pulled back to commitment phobia and numbness, a frustrating detachment. I saw it happening and I didn't fight it. I knew better than to try. If I did, I would be "clingy" and she'd have reason more to pull away. So I pretended, and watched in silent dismay the distance grew.

When the inevitable phone call came, she told me that she felt like I "deserved better". When I referenced the commitment phobia that she admitted to me while in my arms, she immediately went on the defensive. "It's not fear. It's damage".

To an outsider, this might seem to be symantics, but between type-8 INFJs, the meaning was clear. She was denying her agency of the fear. By making it damage, breaking up with me was the rational decision, the right decision.

So we parted. I bade her farewell. Inevitably, all the joy we shared pulled her back, with her missing me. The emotions tied between us still burned bright. I hoped that perhaps we'd struck enough of a bond that she'd return for good.

As Thucydides wrote, Hope, that comforter in danger. One can indulge in it only if he has solid advantage to fall back upon. That night, I did not.

We met to "talk", but I knew what the endresult would be. We'd not seen each other for a while. I'd thought,that perhaps the shock of seeing me again would dispel her notions of independence, and for about an hour of passion, I was right. For that hour, I'd never felt anything more urgent, intimate, and emotional.

But when the glow faded, we spoke.

Our conversation was brutal in its frankness. It was as if day had turned to night. I watched, in masked horror and confusion, as she broke my heart, wounding me and shattering those thick emotional walls I had placed so much confidence in.

There were no visible signs of the pain on my face. My willpower was good for that, at least. I fought to keep my eyes from both tearing up and I fought to keep my gaze on her. My eyes waned to look away, 180 degrees away.

I held my gaze on her and I said the words that I had prepared hours before, in case of the worst possible scenario. My voice was flat with the effort of suppressing my emotions, but it was clear enough.

"Claire, I want to tell you that you are, objectively, beautiful, intelligent, and strong, and that I admire you as best as anyone can."

My eyes demanded to look away in dejection. They wavered for a moment, but I forced them back to her.

"When my friend told you that I was unusually happy, he wasn't wrong. I have been. . . uncharacteristically happy. You made me uncharacteristically happy. So. . . thank you."

The last words came out as a whisper. She chuckled nervously. I wasn't sure that she understood what I so desperately wished to convey. I wanted her to know the vulnerable state my love had driven me towards, but I couldn't say it out loud.

My psyche knew only how to be strong and how to hide my weakness and it continued to that purpose.

We kissed one last time. We held each other and I said it again "Thank you". I heard her nervous chuckle begin again.

"Don't laugh," I pleaded softly, and she went silent, and the hug was all that was left.

I never mentioned the word "love". I know she was thankful, but I conveyed it all the same. When I started the car, the facade collapsed as the willpower finally gave way. I struggled to drive, but continued on.

I wanted to give no indication that I'd been hurt, none in the least. So now I'm doing all the things that I know will destroy my feelings and push my vision to the future. . .

though another part of me

a gentler part of me. . .

Hopes that I might linger on my love and shed some tears in its memory, in it's honor, and not reduce something so beautiful to meaninglessness.

If it wasn't beautiful, what was all this pain for anyhow?

But I ignore. I move on with all the best ways to obfuscate my heart, cheat it of its just suffering.

I set my sights on someone new. And so does she. That's the best path for an INFJ type-8. Destroy all that is weak, and hold up a veil around that weakness which remains. Overcome at any cost.

1,174 Posts
Thanks for sharing. Must be good to get it out, huh? I have to admit though, I can't relate to a word you've said. Had I been in that same room at the time of your conversation (not before that; I'm not the peeping tom type), I probably would have walked away in dismay at how little sense your break up makes (to me). :\

MOTM October 2013
6,445 Posts
When I pull the fighting veil over myself, others take that veil as my true self. And I'm suddenly bombarded with pleas and angry accusations that I should be listening more. I am listening...just no one sees it...and they treat me like an angry person, hitting me harder to get me to listen...which just makes me feel more cut up on inside, and my walls go up that much higher in denial--both of my pain, and now their added aggression.

Doesn't take a lot of foresight to see where that ends up.

Pain is unavoidable, and only made worse by trying to avoid it. Your feelings--both sides of them--here aren't wrong. I think the only thing "wrong" would be where two INFJs believed they could remain unattached to each other. :happy: We're INFJs! It doesn't work that way for us! :wink:

Remaining sensitive and vulnerable in the face of pain is another kind of strength people don't talk about much. Doing what you need to do....that's one thing. Expressing what you feel, and in expressing doing what you need to do, not for others, but for yourself--that's another.

Knowing yourself is the greatest strength. Knowing and caring for all those gooshy bits you'd rather not admit to...that's strength and courage, too.

1,803 Posts
That's pretty deep. I remember your other thread. I think what you experienced is rare and worth mentioning, so thank you for sharing it. Also, you're an incredibly talented writer. You were able to portray those emotions. That's amazing.

5,675 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Had strange, emotional sex again.

And she cried in my arms again. . . a lot.

Her: "You're perfect for me. I should feel more. It feels numb"
Her: "I'm afraid I'll hurt you"
Her: "I'm still not over him."
Her: "You deserve better."

My Rebuttal
Me: "No one can live their lives hurting no-one, the world is unfair."
Me: "I live by my values. I'm not afraid. And I'm not afraid of pain."
Me: "If fear is holding you back, the way forward is to face your fear."
Me: "You know you can trust me."
Me: "You need to escape the prison of your memories and regrets. Enjoy these moments here, with me."

Ended the night with
Her: "I'm attached to you, but I'm afraid that if i stay with you, I'll spend the rest of my life looking for someone like him."
Her: "If I can't fall in love until i face my fear, and I'll never face my fear unless I am in love like I was before, then it feels like a horrible catch-22."
Her: "I need to do a lot of thinking"


710 Posts
I don't know....
she said she'll never face her fear unless she is in love like she was before

what's stopping her from getting to that level with you? to be as "in love" as she was "before"

in my opinion -take it or leave it doesn't matter, just saying-

whether it was "strange emotional sex" or not...
it should be between two people who really love each other, otherwise it's just going to cause more emotional stress on both sides

I'm assuming you love her,
she either does or doesn't there's no levels of being in love, its all or nothing (in my opinion)
if she doesn't feel as in love as she has before
(and I pull this from when she said )
"I'll never face my fear unless I am in love like I was before,"
...then she isn't there yet

my other thoughts regarding this sentence-
"I'm attached to you, but I'm afraid that if i stay with you, I'll spend the rest of my life looking for someone like him."

there's more important things than attraction, if you aren't what she's looking for in life....either try to be what she's looking for or let her go, should be enough she shouldn't feel like she would have to look for someone else.

and if what, her loss....

I apologize for being straight forward
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