Hi, all. I hope you're doing well. I, myself, am not too well. I feel overburdened with love. I feel my heart just overflowing with love, but with no one to love. No one to give my love to. I love very easily, and I always find a place in my heart to love people, but sometimes it's hard when those people have hurt you. I can't think of anyone- parents and siblings excluded (both parents are asleep, and both siblings are studying abroad)- that hasn't hurt me. Thus, it gets hard for me to feel like I trust someone. I trust people, I trust everyone, but I don't feel it in my gut. I trust them because I know that just because they hurt me, doesn't mean they're bad/ untrustworthy people, but that doesn't stop me from feeling skeptic at times. I don't like that. I don't like that my love and trust for people don't go hand in hand. I want to love people whole-heartedly, and I'm so (subconsciously) afraid of genuinely trusting those who have failed me. I feel my heart has enough love to fill the whole world, but it's all crammed up inside me, and it's getting rusty, hence making me feel so sad and alone. I wouldn't call this depression, because I know I can sleep this off, and I'll wake up all jolly and happy again. But this feeling, it comes and goes in waves, and when it does, it makes me feel so awfully upset. I am sorry if I haven't worded this properly. I'm writing this with a very heavy heart, I've contemplated writing this so many times, and I've considered talking to other people, but I thought no one would quite get me as any of you might. Does it happen to anyone else, or is it just me? Am I really alone in all of this? :sad:
Abundance of Love, an ENFP thing, or just me?
[ENFP]
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You're not alone! I am with you there. When my mom left I went through this, 'can't trust people, therefore can't fully love people' thing. It's hard when people who you thought weren't capable of something, are.
Basically, I had to realize some things about humans, and myself. There's virtually, at our very core, no difference between us. We're all capable of terrible acts, of hurting people...and we're all capable of acts of greatness and love and self-sacrifice. Peoples you love will hurt you...and you will hurt people you love. (note: I'm not talking about abusive relationships. That's a whole 'nother deal, and you need to quit someone who verbally or physically abuses you SO fast.) Trust and love are both part of the tangled bundles we call relationships. We're masters of people-figuring, so when we misjudge a person, it hits us harder than most, I believe. But ask yourself this: "Do I believe this person can be taken at face-value, and tries their best to be true to themselves? Do I like the person I believe this person to be?" If the answer is yes to both, then trust. And love.
*hugs*
Basically, I had to realize some things about humans, and myself. There's virtually, at our very core, no difference between us. We're all capable of terrible acts, of hurting people...and we're all capable of acts of greatness and love and self-sacrifice. Peoples you love will hurt you...and you will hurt people you love. (note: I'm not talking about abusive relationships. That's a whole 'nother deal, and you need to quit someone who verbally or physically abuses you SO fast.) Trust and love are both part of the tangled bundles we call relationships. We're masters of people-figuring, so when we misjudge a person, it hits us harder than most, I believe. But ask yourself this: "Do I believe this person can be taken at face-value, and tries their best to be true to themselves? Do I like the person I believe this person to be?" If the answer is yes to both, then trust. And love.
*hugs*
@Lati
I'm so sorry to hear that. How are you?
"It's hard when people who you thought weren't capable of something, are."
this
It's hard to take that all in, especially taking in that some people would choose hurting others, over being kind, or showing the least bit of empathy. That is something that I can't comprehend -- in theory. And is it really love if they choose to purposefully hurt you? (And no, I'm not involved in any whatsoever physical abuse, thanks for you concern!) Honestly, I am at a loss for words. You're literally saying everything I'm thinking. And I will. Thank you. I don't think I can thank you enough. You've put me at so much ease, you have no idea. Many, many, many thanks. *bear hugs*
I'm so sorry to hear that. How are you?
"It's hard when people who you thought weren't capable of something, are."
this
It's hard to take that all in, especially taking in that some people would choose hurting others, over being kind, or showing the least bit of empathy. That is something that I can't comprehend -- in theory. And is it really love if they choose to purposefully hurt you? (And no, I'm not involved in any whatsoever physical abuse, thanks for you concern!) Honestly, I am at a loss for words. You're literally saying everything I'm thinking. And I will. Thank you. I don't think I can thank you enough. You've put me at so much ease, you have no idea. Many, many, many thanks. *bear hugs*
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Gosh, I think as ENFPs we really want to open up our all to someone and give them all the enthusiastic love we hold.
And it's hard to find a recipient that is willing to give and receive that kind of intensity and bonding. At least, that's my experience. No one is truly available or willing to be quite that intimate with who they *really* are. Usually, I have to adjust my expectations and shut it down...even though I'm nigh to bursting with all this FEELING that wants to deposit on a willingly happy victim. :laughing:
And it's hard to find a recipient that is willing to give and receive that kind of intensity and bonding. At least, that's my experience. No one is truly available or willing to be quite that intimate with who they *really* are. Usually, I have to adjust my expectations and shut it down...even though I'm nigh to bursting with all this FEELING that wants to deposit on a willingly happy victim. :laughing:
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It's so nice to know that it isn't just me! I know what you mean, trolololama, when you say, "I trust them, but I don't feel it in my gut."
It took me years to figure out what was standing between my mom and I, and when I finally did figure out what it was, it took me a while to muster up the courage to talk to her about it. THE VERY NEXT DAY, during a trivial misunderstanding (and that's all that it was) she threw it back in my face. Ever since then, I have known in my gut, that I can never trust her like that again. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I can't.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love my mom with my whole heart, and we have a great relationship. We tell each other (almost) everything. But I don't think I can ever trust her with my feelings like that again, and that is utterly heartbreaking to me. My relationship with my mom means the world to me, and knowing that I can't trust her completely, makes me feel as if I can't love her completely.
Wow. That's the first time I have actually put it into words, and I finally get it (if you know what I mean).
@Pucca LOL More often than not, my INTJ sister is the unwilling victim of all my endless talking, loving and FEELINGS that drive her crazy!
It took me years to figure out what was standing between my mom and I, and when I finally did figure out what it was, it took me a while to muster up the courage to talk to her about it. THE VERY NEXT DAY, during a trivial misunderstanding (and that's all that it was) she threw it back in my face. Ever since then, I have known in my gut, that I can never trust her like that again. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I can't.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love my mom with my whole heart, and we have a great relationship. We tell each other (almost) everything. But I don't think I can ever trust her with my feelings like that again, and that is utterly heartbreaking to me. My relationship with my mom means the world to me, and knowing that I can't trust her completely, makes me feel as if I can't love her completely.
Wow. That's the first time I have actually put it into words, and I finally get it (if you know what I mean).
@Pucca LOL More often than not, my INTJ sister is the unwilling victim of all my endless talking, loving and FEELINGS that drive her crazy!
*bear hugs back* I'm really glad that helped. I hoped what I was saying was what you needed, and not me just projecting onto your thread, haha.
I am okay, thank you. It's fresh...about 2 months now, it's been. I'm raising my little sister and trying to focus on her, my dad, my close friends, and God. But it really is okay. We're making a good thing out of a bad thing, and I truly believe the best is yet to come. And I've made peace with the fact my mom isn't a bad person, she's just a flawed person acting on flawed beliefs- we all hit that at some point, even if maybe not to the same degree.
Funny enough, after my bout of not being able to trust, I now trust stronger than ever. New people, it takes longer now- but my loved ones who have stuck close, I'm relying on them more than ever. And they're coming through, which gives me more hope for my future relationships.
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Now, the mind-blowing thing is when you get to the point that you'll love regardless of whether the other person is trustworthy. True freedom is when no one else's issues can keep you from being you and your behavior is no longer dependent or restricted by your own trust issues. It's a true epiphany.
That is SO accurate! It's my initial thought whenever I meet someone new: I want them to feel all jolly and loved as they made me feel, even if I had literally just met them 5 minutes ago. I think ENFPs appreciate kindness the most, and we want those who project happiness and kindness into our lives to experience total exuberance! It really is difficult, but I feel like that's why they say ENFP's best match is another fellow ENFP. We just get each other, it makes sense, and yet I don't think it will ever be boring. I've never met any ENFPs in my whole life! You were all hiding here on PerC! Do you have any real life ENFP friends? Also, do you ever feel a little drained when the people you're with don't halfway reciprocate your enthusiasm?
It really is, isn't? It must have been so awful for you to go through that, especially when if you've expected your relationship would elevate after the confrontation. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Maybe ENFPs have this picture perfect idea of love in our heads, that's why we cherish it so deeply. How are you feeling now that you have put it into words?It's so nice to know that it isn't just me! I know what you mean, trolololama, when you say, "I trust them, but I don't feel it in my gut."
It took me years to figure out what was standing between my mom and I, and when I finally did figure out what it was, it took me a while to muster up the courage to talk to her about it. THE VERY NEXT DAY, during a trivial misunderstanding (and that's all that it was) she threw it back in my face. Ever since then, I have known in my gut, that I can never trust her like that again. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I can't.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love my mom with my whole heart, and we have a great relationship. We tell each other (almost) everything. But I don't think I can ever trust her with my feelings like that again, and that is utterly heartbreaking to me. My relationship with my mom means the world to me, and knowing that I can't trust her completely, makes me feel as if I can't love her completely.
Wow. That's the first time I have actually put it into words, and I finally get it (if you know what I mean).
@Pucca LOL More often than not, my INTJ sister is the unwilling victim of all my endless talking, loving and FEELINGS that drive her crazy!
It was exactly what I needed to hear. I needed to know I wasn't alone, and I've stayed up just waiting for anyone to tell me it's not only me, and that I'm not "over-reacting", and you did.
I'm glad to hear so. It's so inspiring how you've bounced back, and started moving on with your life instead of letting it suck you in. How's your little sister, and father dealing? Do you want to talk about this?
Maybe that's the good that came out of it, it taught you how trust stronger, and appreciate the ones who stuck by you. I genuinely, and whole-heartedly wish you would meet all the loveliest and kindest people!
Oh God. That's such a beautiful imagery. I'd very much like to live like that.
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Thank you very much for being so sympathetic, and for lending an ear! It's the first time that I have ever talked to anyone about it, and it feels so good to finally be able to let it out!
When I was writing it, it was sort of like a light switched on. I felt it, the loss of complete trust, but I hadn't really been able to define it. I mean, yeah, I was really hurt by her betrayal, but it was more then that; and I finally figured out what it was. Feeling like I couldn't love her completely, because I couldn't trust her completely.I think that you are correct about the ENFPs view point on love. We imagine what a loving relationship would be like, the iNtuitive in us, and we wrap all of our feelings up into it. We know what it should be like. Then to a certain extent, we expect it to meet our expectations (our optimism coming into play). So, when the relationship fails to meet them, we can get really hurt by it. :/
Thank you. :blushed:
Eh, I've talked about it till I'm blue in the face. I know I'm not telling you anything when I say I process by talking about something over and over until it finally heals somewhat and makes sense...well, I've been pushed past that, with even 3 months later there are still people that haven't heard she's gone, that ask about her. I give them cold, clinical answers about the situation, because I'm not talking about it on my terms anymore.
All this to say I really appreciate you being there and offering a concerned listening ear, even if I won't take advantage of it right now. It still touches me. You're very sweet. What's your enneagram, might I ask?
My sister and father are getting by. My sister's only 4, so she doesn't really know what's going on. My father is an unhealthy INTP who's trying very desperately to just hold things together. (poor guy...they were married for 25 years.) And we're all benefiting from the peace of our little family such as it is right now.
*hugs*
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Yes! We can be all happy, and excited to see them, and if they don't . . . do . . . anything, it's like, "What? Did I say 'hi' wrong?" :tongue:
My best friend, before she became my best friend, was EXTREMELY shy and reserved. It drove me nuts, because I considered us friends; I wanted her to be happy to see me!! A little shy wave and hesitant smile was a little disappointing.
Granted I was three at the time, so I thought that everyone's reactions should match mine. lolAnyway, long story short, we were BFFs, before my family left the church and my parents got divorced. Huge no-no's. Also, she is a pastor's daughter. So that put a rather large damper on our friendship.
We still occasionally email, and talk over Facebook. It was a couple of months ago, that I found out that she is an ENFP as well! I had NO idea, because she is SO much more reserved, and all around DIFFERENT, than I am. I have always thought that she was an Introvert. I never felt really drained. . . well, maybe a little bit. It just seemed to me, that I put out more of an effort to be nice and agreeable, and when she didn't, it sort of felt like she didn't care as much about the friendship, as I did. Have you ever experienced that?
It's funny, but I feel as if I have connected with you girls SO much faster. I, too come from a bad situation @Lati. It's too much to go into here, but I will say one thing: I haven't talked to my dad face to face in almost five years, and I couldn't be happier about it. And @trolololama, I can tell from your posts on this thread, you are a really sweet, and caring person. Both of you! It took we years to get my friend ^ comfortable enough to really be able to be friends. On here, we say what we mean, and mean what we say, and I LOVE it! *picture me screaming to the heavens "Finally!"* LOL Granted, we are all ENFP's and not three!
Aw, don't mention it! It's absolutely nothing! I know that exact same feeling, it's the one I felt as I wrote my post. I was listening to Comes and Goes (In Waves) by Greg Laswell. For some reason it helped me express myself better -- check it out, if you'd like. I have a question, though, when is it triggered the most? For me, it's when my best friend is just being ever so genuine and kind to me, and I feel like I'm not reciprocating it back.Thank you very much for being so sympathetic, and for lending an ear! It's the first time that I have ever talked to anyone about it, and it feels so good to finally be able to let it out!
I think that you are correct about the ENFPs view point on love. We imagine what a loving relationship would be like, the iNtuitive in us, and we wrap all of our feelings up into it. We know what it should be like. Then to a certain extent, we expect it to meet our expectations (our optimism coming into play). So, when the relationship fails to meet them, we can get really hurt by it. :/
I really hope our idealistic idea of love doesn't suck us in and gallop us, if we don't find love that meets our expectations. I can imagine an ENFP getting literally depressed over not finding love, and because we can be hard on ourselves, we might blame ourselves or assume that we're not worthy of love. *shudders* I hope no ENFP feels that way. Or anyone as a matter of fact.
You are telling me that you're progressing, and that's definitely something. I completely understand that it can be difficult to talk about such a deep wound. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, and possibly some insensitive people along the way. My concerned listening ear offer is always valid. I'm a 2w3, how about you?
It must be so difficult for him, 25 years are not nothing. Has he tried seeking any whatsoever help? Thank God your sister has you two.
*bear hugs*
NO WAY! Can ENFPs be shy and reserved at all times?! I think she might be mistyped. I don't think ENFPs would let such things come in the way of friendships. We cherish those so deeply. And, girl, it's the story of my life! I've gone through numerous friendships like that, but I tend to just distance myself early in the friendship, because I know I might get hurt eventually if I get attached, or if I get them attached to me. It feels like you're chained, locked, and forced upon it, which is a red flag for me. I'm curious though, did your relationship with her elevate now that you've found out you're ENFP?Yes! We can be all happy, and excited to see them, and if they don't . . . do . . . anything, it's like, "What? Did I say 'hi' wrong?" :tongue:
My best friend, before she became my best friend, was EXTREMELY shy and reserved. It drove me nuts, because I considered us friends; I wanted her to be happy to see me!! A little shy wave and hesitant smile was a little disappointing.
Anyway, long story short, we were BFFs, before my family left the church and my parents got divorced. Huge no-no's. Also, she is a pastor's daughter. So that put a rather large damper on our friendship.
We still occasionally email, and talk over Facebook. It was a couple of months ago, that I found out that she is an ENFP as well! I had NO idea, because she is SO much more reserved, and all around DIFFERENT, than I am. I have always thought that she was an Introvert. I never felt really drained. . . well, maybe a little bit. It just seemed to me, that I put out more of an effort to be nice and agreeable, and when she didn't, it sort of felt like she didn't care as much about the friendship, as I did. Have you ever experienced that?
It's funny, but I feel as if I have connected with you girls SO much faster. I, too come from a bad situation @Lati. It's too much to go into here, but I will say one thing: I haven't talked to my dad face to face in almost five years, and I couldn't be happier about it. And @trolololama, I can tell from your posts on this thread, you are a really sweet, and caring person. Both of you! It took we years to get my friend ^ comfortable enough to really be able to be friends. On here, we say what we mean, and mean what we say, and I LOVE it! *picture me screaming to the heavens "Finally!"* LOL Granted, we are all ENFP's and not three!
Hahahaha, the feeling goes both way! I've never spoken to anyone about any of those, I fear I'll get judged, and feel lonesome. Instead I feel like home! And pffshhht, I'm not sweet, or caring, I'm just an ENFP! I wish everyone in the world was ENFP. I love us too much, ehehehehehe. *fangirls*
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@trolololama Ooh! I like the song! That's just my type of music! Right now I have it on repeat. Do you have any other suggestions?
Do you feel as if you don't trust her enough, to be able to reciprocate it? Could it be a trust issue?
This idea is all so new to me, that I haven't really looked for what triggers it. The last time I suspect that I felt like that, was probably when I was becoming disillusioned about my dad. For almost as long as I can remember, I haven't trusted him. Now that I think about it, I was six the last time I felt like this, and I just couldn't put it into words. Since then, I haven't been around people, outside of the family, that I have really wanted to love and trust. I wanted to with my BF, but there were just topics you didn't broach. Her mom frowned on us talking about boys, etc. lol So, I didn't invest too much emotionally in her. The stuff we talked about was, in retrospect, pretty trivial. The only ones I have been close enough to invest in, have been my family. It's not that I don't want to with others, I just haven't ever found anyone that I have "clicked" with; and moving to another country hasn't really helped. LOL
Very true. Sometimes, I guess we can be too idealistic. :/ Sometimes, we expect to much of people, and hold them up to a higher level then maybe they can even reach. But then again, True Love conquers all! :wink:
Do you have any other suggestions? Do you feel as if you don't trust her enough, to be able to reciprocate it? Could it be a trust issue?
This idea is all so new to me, that I haven't really looked for what triggers it. The last time I suspect that I felt like that, was probably when I was becoming disillusioned about my dad. For almost as long as I can remember, I haven't trusted him. Now that I think about it, I was six the last time I felt like this, and I just couldn't put it into words. Since then, I haven't been around people, outside of the family, that I have really wanted to love and trust. I wanted to with my BF, but there were just topics you didn't broach. Her mom frowned on us talking about boys, etc. lol So, I didn't invest too much emotionally in her. The stuff we talked about was, in retrospect, pretty trivial. The only ones I have been close enough to invest in, have been my family. It's not that I don't want to with others, I just haven't ever found anyone that I have "clicked" with; and moving to another country hasn't really helped. LOL
Very true. Sometimes, I guess we can be too idealistic. :/ Sometimes, we expect to much of people, and hold them up to a higher level then maybe they can even reach. But then again, True Love conquers all! :wink:
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I know! That has actually been something I have been wondering. I mean, how can you be an ENFP when you act like that? I would NOT be surprised if she was a different type. Well, when I first found out she was the same type, I was all enthusiastic, because wow! We must have so much more in common than I realized! But she was like "Uh-huh. Let's just keep doing what we've been doing." So that was rather disappointing.
Yes, yes, yes, YES!! I know EXACTLY what you mean! *giggle* This is so cool!
Yeah, we NEVER "clicked" this much. I'm grinning right now, because I have NEVER had someone get me this much! *fangirl high-five* And not true, you are sweet, caring . . . YOU'RE AN ENFP!!! If you want to know what I am feeling like right now, listen to the intro to "The Boys Are Back In Town". LOL I don't understand enneagram as well as I should, so I don't understand the 'wings', but I'm definitely a 2 as my main number thingy. I thought you might be, too. ^-^ I'm pleased I was right.
He hasn't, but he's coping. He's one of those people who just really wouldn't benefit from outside help, unfortunately. Staying productive at work and being loved by us is getting him by. He just need to be reassured lots, and that's one thing I'm good at. :kitteh:
I know that feeling! I'm a huge ENFP fangirl. :laughing: But appreciating all the other types, too, is something I'm working on cultivating...I realize the world would be in total chaos if we were solely in charge. Oh gosh. I think civilization would fall- in the most fun way possible.
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