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Discussion Starter #1
I know this is a heavy topic and will probably trigger some strong reactions, but I would appreciate if people could avoid making snap judgements or panicking. Also, please read the details before commenting.

I am in another country without a visa, planning to stay another month. I've spent the night with this guy twice now. We met at a bar through some mutual friends and hit it off. I'm pretty sure we were both just looking for sex. Well, the sex was amazing. Conversations get unintentionally intimate, and it's difficult to keep a distance. But he is a self-proclaimed drug addict, and I can definitely see it. After the first night I avoided calling him, though I sent an email which he never responded to. We saw each other again in the same place a week later, awkwardly apologised, and he asked me to come over again. I told him I'd been seeing other people (which was true). He asked if I would just be with him for the remainder of my time here (about 4 weeks). I said okay. I also told him that I don't think I can get close to him because of the drug problem. He didn't respond.

Although I'll only be here another month, I do plan to come back to the country for school in less than a year. Right now I'm almost looking forward to leaving because I'm so confused and anxious about this. I used to volunteer at a rehab clinic, and they had very strict guidelines about relationships - avoid getting involved with active users, and people in rehab can't even have a relationship for one year. You also aren't allowed to give the user incentive or try to persuade them to quit, because the best results come from them making a choice for themselves. I have a very strict no-drug policy for myself, and do not condone it in others, though I know that nobody would benefit from me being judgmental so I keep it to myself.

This person is a very functional addict. He has a good job doing what he loves, has a large network of friends and is completely self-reliant. But I personally am extremely wary of getting involved. And yet, I felt something with him that I have hardly ever felt before, both in sexual intimacy and a sense of kinship. I wonder if I'm being overreactive in the way I'm thinking about this. So far my plan is to enjoy the companionship for a while and just cut it off when I leave.

So, questions:
A) Should I cut it off right now to avoid getting too attached/involved?
B) Should I give him a chance anyway?
C) Is it possible to actually make something from this, and if so has anybody actually had a positive experience?
 

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Beer Guardian
ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE Honorary INTJ
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^ What he said.
 
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Discussion Starter #4
Are you looking for second opinions?
Because sounds like you've already got yourself covered on what you intend to do.
Chill with him until you have to leave in a month.
I am definitely looking for second opinions. Because I question a lot of things:

A) Should I cut it off right now to avoid getting too attached/involved?
B) Should I give him a chance anyway?
C) Is it possible to actually make something from this, and if so has anybody actually had a positive experience?
 

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I am definitely looking for second opinions. Because I question a lot of things:

A) Should I cut it off right now to avoid getting too attached/involved?
B) Should I give him a chance anyway?
C) Is it possible to actually make something from this, and if so has anybody actually had a positive experience?
A) Well how confident are you that you're capable of making a clean cut? Look to your past and what you know of yourself whether you're the sort of person who can accept it with ease and not feel any significant loss or emotional pain.
B) Chance at what? To me it sounds pretty casual, as long as that's clear with on the understanding of how you don't believe it can be sustained with his habit and with you having to leave and all.
C) I have no experience of which to share. For me I would think even for a functioning addiction, it's a costly habit and is this a case of things being good and stable, what happens when life doesn't treat one so kindly, does it become a crutch?
Sounds like it's already something, unless you're thinking something more, which case, who can ever know what can be done until it's tried and succeeded/failed.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
A) Well how confident are you that you're capable of making a clean cut? Look to your past and what you know of yourself whether you're the sort of person who can accept it with ease and not feel any significant loss or emotional pain.
B) Chance at what? To me it sounds pretty casual, as long as that's clear with on the understanding of how you don't believe it can be sustained with his habit and with you having to leave and all.
C) I have no experience of which to share. For me I would think even for a functioning addiction, it's a costly habit and is this a case of things being good and stable, what happens when life doesn't treat one so kindly, does it become a crutch?
Sounds like it's already something, unless you're thinking something more, which case, who can ever know what can be done until it's tried and succeeded/failed.
In the past I have been very capable of cutting myself off from men, but it does take a heavy emotional toll on me which they never know. Especially when it's someone I wanted to help. When I was younger I was one of those girls who tried to "save" people. Now I have come to understand how destructive that really is, but I'm afraid I'm still drawn to troubled people because they remind me of myself.

I'm trying to make it casual, but I feel like he could be looking for more than that. And it scares me because I find it very easy to open up to him, which is something I don't do with any of my partners. I'm not sure if I can trust myself to keep things casual.
 

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In the past I have been very capable of cutting myself off from men, but it does take a heavy emotional toll on me which they never know. Especially when it's someone I wanted to help. When I was younger I was one of those girls who tried to "save" people. Now I have come to understand how destructive that really is, but I'm afraid I'm still drawn to troubled people because they remind me of myself.

I'm trying to make it casual, but I feel like he could be looking for more than that. And it scares me because I find it very easy to open up to him, which is something I don't do with any of my partners. I'm not sure if I can trust myself to keep things casual.
Well for myself I would personally draw the line that if I consider them a person who needs "rescuing" then I can't in good conscience enter a relationship with them.
I would support my partner but I would rather not take a role as one would in their job as it has questionable power dyamics and breaking down the divide by getting attached can complicate things if my goal is to help them out. If they can get past their problem then perhaps it's a consideration, but no need to be pre-emptive if what i'm trying to change about them is the reason why i'm hesitant to be with them. That's just my own thought process if in the general situation.

If you share vulnerability of which never had, you will grow attached, is the core ingredient to how we get close to people by letting them see us.
You know you play a risky game in which the erratic and somewhat unpredictable nature of feelings can burn ones self. Ultimately it's up to you whether they're worth getting burnt for.
 

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Sweet Matrimony.
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Re his drug use: I dunno, I've done enough reading of drugs, and actual drugs, to know that nothing worthwhile ever comes from them really. For a functional drug user; they are probably a quick and easy way to mask any despair/sadness that goes on deep inside, but that's about it. I'm not sure if I'd want to be in a relationship with such a person. It's not really the drug use that would bother me, but the fact they choose that as their preferred method of coping/"enjoying" life. That's a bit worrying.

Re cutting him off: why? Just enjoy it for what it is. When you leave, it's a temporary change in your relationship - until it's not. There's no need to define it yet, it's not serious. Only time will tell if it becomes such.
 

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These are the assumptions I'm making based of your post.

Your gut instinct is telling you to stay way from this person because on a logical level you know from experience that you'll be better off without him, but your emotional side is refusing to let go of the attachment and infatuation that this man brings in you. The reason your posting this is because you want someone to tell you what you already know deep down, and your inner conflict is impairing your ability to think about it objectively.

What should you do? I'd listen to my gut instinct since it usually tells me things that I don't want to hear but that are true.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
What kind of drugs?
Coke

These are the assumptions I'm making based of your post.

Your gut instinct is telling you to stay way from this person because on a logical level you know from experience that you'll be better off without him, but your emotional side is refusing to let go of the attachment and infatuation that this man brings in you. The reason your posting this is because you want someone to tell you what you already know deep down, and your inner conflict is impairing your ability to think about it objectively.

What should you do? I'd listen to my gut instinct since it usually tells me things that I don't want to hear but that are true.
Yep. I need people to confirm what I already know, so that I can make the painful but correct decision. Though there's also a part of me that secretly wishes someone would say otherwise. I hate feeling things.
 

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A) Should I cut it off right now to avoid getting too attached/involved?
As a rule of thumb, serious addictions are a big no-no for me. While I have no problem with recreational drug use, a person who needs X, Y or Z to function is not healthy, and yeah, I don't see the merits in dating someone who is on a tenuous path like that. The fact they are functional doesn't matter; by necessity, addicts are very good at seeming normal on a superficial level. It's only when you scratch beneath that do the deep, deep issues begin to emerge. No thanks - I'd rather save myself the aggro and get out before I'm emotionally involved (and hence am less able to walk away).

B) Should I give him a chance anyway?
On an entirely frivolous, no-strings-attached and casual sex front, sure. If however, you don't feel you could keep it strictly on those terms, I'd recommend cutting ties.

C) Is it possible to actually make something from this, and if so has anybody actually had a positive experience?
Well, never say never.

Although I am being somewhat of a Pessimistic Peggy here, I can accept the possibility that everything will work out sunshine and peaches. I also accept the possibility that the shit will hit the fan and you'll wind up over your head with this person. By all means, continue to see him, however, accept that dating someone with an addiction carries negative risks.

I'll also point out that you probably don't know him anywhere near well enough to know if it will work out long term, even granting the drug thing not causing problems. All you know is that you get on well, have good sexual chemistry and connect; that doesn't necessarily mean that this is something with lasting potential. Plenty of relationships can start out feeling like you've met your soulmate, only to fizzle out as that initial spark dies.
 
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Discussion Starter #17
I would run away hard if they're using hard drugs. Nothing good comes out of people hooked on those sort of drugs.
A generalisation, but often true. I've known a lot of people who went through rehab for heroin, which is worse. Some made it out, some didn't.
 

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Cocaine is bad news. People can be dicks on coke and coming down from it. For me, at least, a consistent coke habit is a deal-breaker for any kind of intimate relationship, including friendship.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Cocaine is bad news. People can be dicks on coke and coming down from it. For me, at least, a consistent coke habit is a deal-breaker for any kind of intimate relationship, including friendship.
So I've heard. I've met a fairly large group of his friends, some people who've known him for years, and they all swear he's a great guy. Extremely gentle, mellow, laid-back and caring. I'm sure he'd be irritable and emotional as all hell during withdrawal, but I don't know if I could believe it would turn him into a bad person. He seems to be able to maintain healthy friendships well enough.
 
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