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I'm an INTP and my mom is an ISFJ. This summer I am dying my hair pink because it's probably the last summer I won't absolutely have to work. I'm twenty and I no longer live with her, so it's not a matter of permission.

She's clearly expressed disapproval at my choice. She says it reflects on who I am with (be it her, my dad--ISTJ, or my grandpa--INTJ) and she specifically used the word "embarrassment."

We're going with my grandpa on a business trip this summer to California and she doesn't want me to have pink hair there because it will apparently reflect poorly on him or something. I don't know, that's why I made this thread... to see if anyone here can help me understand her perspective.

Like I said... INTP here... I'm doing good to tell her a month in advance about this. I've dyed my hair other colours before, but never my entire head. Also, like, one time I had green in my hair and she asked me to wear a hat to go to this thing where we'd be seeing her coworkers, and I was taken aback so I did, but then later she told me she likes my hair and she didn't want others to judge me. This lead me to believe she was okay with my hair choices and was only concerned with what others thought about me, which believe me does not matter.

I do care about my family's opinion considerably more than I let on, but not enough to not dye my hair.

Basically I'd just like help decoding her behaviour.

Thanks!
 

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This kind of sucks. Unfortunately, there are a few jerks who will judge you for your hair color. It could be that your mom is upset because she thinks that her friends would judge her as a bad mother (due to the fact the people who dye their hair weird colors are crazy, or drug dealers, or hippies, or unintelligent, or some other stupid stereotype) or judge you as being a total rebel.

I'd suggest if you talk with her about it, you might want to ask her if she is upset because she thinks her friends would judge her as being a bad parent, or something like that. Show some concern for her thoughts and feelings when talking to her.

EDIT: I just read what you wrote about your grandfather's business trip. Some of your grandfather's coworkers could make bad assumptions about you because of your hair color, and that could mean that they will judge your grandfather negatively. Also, if you are expected to be in business casual or very clean-cut casual for this business trip, the dyed hair won't work as business casual
 

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This kind of sucks. Unfortunately, there are a few jerks who will judge you for your hair color. It could be that your mom is upset because she thinks that her friends would judge her as a bad mother (due to the fact the people who dye their hair weird colors are crazy, or drug dealers, or hippies, or unintelligent, or some other stupid stereotype) or judge you as being a total rebel.

I'd suggest if you talk with her about it, you might want to ask her if she is upset because she thinks her friends would judge her as being a bad parent, or something like that. Show some concern for her thoughts and feelings when talking to her.

EDIT: I just read what you wrote about your grandfather's business trip. Some of your grandfather's coworkers could make bad assumptions about you because of your hair color, and that could mean that they will judge your grandfather negatively. Also, if you are expected to be in business casual or very clean-cut casual for this business trip, the dyed hair won't work as business casual
Thanks for responding.

In my mind, if my mom's friends judge her for being a bad mother, they're not her friends. And like, they know my mom, and they know she's not a bad mother... so it's really hard to understand the insecurity there. I'll keep that in mind.

I also could be more considerate toward her feelings. In conversations like that, I feel the need to prove that I won't let others tell me what to do. It's possibly part of growing up and finding my independence, but I'm like that with others.

And no, we aren't expected to be dressed in business casual clothing or anything. We probably won't even be with his co-workers. We may see them in the hotel in passing or something and my grandpa would introduce us. We've met them before, like a year ago, but I don't really remember any of them or anything.
 

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I think this is about her and how she thinks it will reflect badly on her. I sincerely doubt that people will judge her for your hair colour but if she's pretty straight up and 'normal' she's going to be really worried that they are or will. It's not rational but this is how she'll be feeling. I think the best thing to do is explain you understand that it makes her uncomfortable (acknowledging her feelings) but also explain that you've thought this through. This is your chance to be a bit wild before you have to start looking 'worker' like and you take work responsibilities seriously etc etc and you want to 'get it out of your system' before settling into work. If she's still upset then I think you just need to gently do what you're already doing and let her know it's not her decision and that you're giving her the respect of letting her know in advance so she can get used to the idea.
 

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i personally wouldnt take the same side as your mom, but i can imagine that unless there is a way to prove to her that people dont care about the color, she wont let it go. Unfortunately you may just have to disagree on this one.
 
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