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Discussion Starter #1
Hi, I'm new to your forum, so if I broke any of your rules, I promise it wasn't on purpose:

I decided to do a little research to try to understand why I am the way I am--I had never heard of enneagram theory before. I'm pretty sure I'm a 2w1, which seems like a somewhat messed up type for a guy--or at least it is in my case. I'm bad about self-sacrificing, which I'm not entirely convinced is a bad thing, except that it makes me appear to be overly submissive. It's never that I lack strength to stand up to people, it's just that I desire to serve others. I almost always want other people to be happy before myself. Add to that the fact that I'm a bit introverted and extremely self-critical and tend to blame myself even when it's not my fault. I've been in one relationship, and was blamed at the end of it for letting her take advantage of me and she said I think like a girl. That relationship was the one time in my life that I really felt happy--I actually had someone who I could do things for and give gifts to that seemed to appreciate it.

I also absolutely crave affection and physical contact. The thing I desire most is to find just one girl who would love and accept me. The ex-girlfriend I mentioned is the only one I've ever really showed that side to and she also blamed me for being too emotional and clingy (probably partly true, but I'm really not that bad, either).

Since then I've had anxiety and depression. I'm still in college, and this year has been so tough that I really haven't had time for anything else. I try to tell myself that I'll be more able to do something meaningful after I graduate, but right now it just seems like a really selfish and worthless existence. I don't want to sound like I still haven't moved on from that girl (I realize there was a lot about her that wasn't right for me), but I really don't want to have the same problems again. And I really want to know what it feels like to be happy again.

I'm not so sure that I can really fight my basic personality, but does anyone have any advice on how I might make myself a bit more attractive? I've been guilty of coming on too strong (overly gifting especially), yet at the same time, I often have a hard time even initiating a hug with a girl out of an irrational fear that I might make her feel uncomfortable. To anyone who would accept me, I know I would be extremely caring, loyal, and protective, plus I have pretty good looks and I'm about to have a fairly high-paying job in a couple of months. I'm also extremely sexual if I ever feel comfortable enough with someone (even though most girls don't seem to realize it), but none of that matters if I can't get girls attracted.

I know that was a long post, but you just got to know me a lot better than most of the people who know me.
 

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My advice is to stop fighting yourself and accept your flaws. As crazy as this may sound to you, there is at least one person out there that will love you for who you are, flaws included!

You are not perfect and you will never be; that's a realization that's hard to digest for a 2w1. I'm simply asking you to believe me when I say that even though you are flawed, you're going to find someone who will think of you as perfect in her eyes.

Thank you for an honest first post!
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I realize I'm not perfect, and I never will be, but you're right in saying that accepting flaws is difficult. I recently realized that I don't think I even care that much whether I'm perfect or not. I feel like I've worked too hard in school and other things, and have missed out on a lot because of it. And it wasn't even really for myself--part of it was to keep my parents happy, but it was mostly in hopes that i could someday provide the best for a lover. Perhaps that was a shallow goal given that I'm no closer to finding her.

But while I'm sort of okay with my flaws, I don't know if I can really accept them unless I find someone else who can love me in spite of them. It seems like everything that's wrong with me is the reason I can't seem to find someone who would accept me, and if I could just figure out how to fix it, then things might be different.

Anyway, thanks for the advice--you seem very friendly. I'll try to be a little more happy with myself as is.
 

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I realize I'm not perfect, and I never will be, but you're right in saying that accepting flaws is difficult. I recently realized that I don't think I even care that much whether I'm perfect or not. I feel like I've worked too hard in school and other things, and have missed out on a lot because of it. And it wasn't even really for myself--part of it was to keep my parents happy, but it was mostly in hopes that i could someday provide the best for a lover. Perhaps that was a shallow goal given that I'm no closer to finding her.

But while I'm sort of okay with my flaws, I don't know if I can really accept them unless I find someone else who can love me in spite of them. It seems like everything that's wrong with me is the reason I can't seem to find someone who would accept me, and if I could just figure out how to fix it, then things might be different.

Anyway, thanks for the advice--you seem very friendly. I'll try to be a little more happy with myself as is.
I just wanted to reply to the part about school-- I don't think it's a bad thing to be motivated in order to make others happy (your parents and future gf). I personally as a type 2 as well am motivated to finish college and get a nursing degree so that I'm able to not be a failure in my boyfriend's eyes and provide for him to go to graduate school. That may sound crazy and weird to another type but personally I think it's a fine reason to be motivated, so don't feel bad about it and think it's shallow, it's for others happiness.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
All I meant was that perhaps I've spent too much time trying to become someone a girl might want, and too little time actually trying to find that girl. You working on school to help provide for your boyfriend is a beautiful goal, not at all shallow. The girlfriend motivating me doesn't even exist. I was pretty unhappy when I created this thread, and I guess I needed to vent about some of my frustrated character flaws that seem to be at least partially spun from 2w1 personality. I'm too self-conscious for my own good at times, my genuine interest in other people probably gets mistaken as desperation sometimes, and my willingness self-sacrifice for other people causes me to get taken advantage of at times. I don't really have anyone left that I feel super comfortable talking to, so it was nice having someone listen to me.
 

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I'm a 2w1 too, and it's hard, even for us women. I do think though, your last post summed up what the issue is. I too have that same issue, trying to be perfect and fight my horrible flaws, especially the anger that rages through me when I feel like I've given too much and received too little, and then the subsequent shame that results from feeling such anger. :c

I don't know about the rest of the posters in this thread, but I think if you continue to be the fantastic friend that Twos tend to be, you might just find your special someone. All three of my relationships have spun from close friendship, which turned into romance, right when I was least expecting it, including my current one.

Really hope you feel better, I've felt what you're feeling and it's not fun.
 

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Yeah totally I agree with @Sayonara, it's easiest to find someone who's your "soulmate" once you stop looking and just be a friend. My bf was my best friend for weeks before we got together, I just loved him so much because I knew he was a good person and I felt most comfortable around him. I also embarrassed myself pretty early on with him in pretty much all the ways u can lol so I felt comfortable that we already crossed that boundary. But that's the way to do it, don't try to perfect yourself, if someone wants you to perfect yourself that's not on you to do (with some exceptions of course) but your soul needs to stay the same, you will be who you are.
 

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Thank you! I already feel a lot better than I did--I just put my most stressful year of college behind me. I have also have a completely fresh start coming in a couple weeks--new job, new city, and a chance to make new friends. Moving is never easy, but I'm hoping to get it right this time. I'll agree that I like the "friends first" thing, too. But it can also really suck when things go sour and you not only lose your significant other but also your best friend.
 

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You seem like a really nice guy who has trouble opening up to people because you have been hurt before and don't want to get hurt again. Honestly, I mean I don't know you, but if I knew you in real life I would date you!
I have tested 6w7 on the ennegram with my third thing being 2w1. I admit I'm not terribly familiar with ennegram but I understand where you're coming from as far as need the affection of another person and wanting to be able to provide for them. There's a lot of people who take advantage of that side of people like us or see it as being clingy, when in reality it's just our way of expressing how much we care for another person. I know it's cliche, but you will find a girl who loves you just the way you are. You are a good-hearted guy and the world would be a better place with more guys like you in it :)
 

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Yes, I also agree with @desert lynx about the losing best friend and significant other. But I feel like that happens regardless of if you were friends first or date first, your significant other will become your best friend because you share your life with them, so either way, it's the same. Losing both is what it is when it happens, which sucks but thats why you hold on for dear life and you fight for your relationship.
 
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