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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello guys,

I have feelings for my friend who happens to be an INFP and I am thinking of flat out telling her that I like her (yeah, yeah we're gay) since expressing my feelings is pretty much impossible for me. I am not flirty at all and since I am not 100% sure about her feelings and since she is a reserved person as well it makes it hard for me to be affectionate. I tried the indirect approach to no avail, I also waited to see if she was the one to make a move but I know that she is not the type of person to make any kind of moves...AT ALL.

I think she might like me back...but one of the reasons I want to tell her my feelings is so that I can know for sure how she feels about me. The uncertainty is killing me, really eheheh....
I feel that telling her that I like her is my best bet, but I had one person tell me that it could be intimidating and awkward...what do you think?

Now, something that has been worrying me recently is that some of my friends were telling me that I have waited so long to decide to tell her that there could be a chance that she either lost interest or got fed up of waiting for me to make a move. I dunno about this... I hope not.

Do any of you have experiences with INFPs? Help a fellow INFJ out, please? :)
 

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You could just tell her in a nice, simple way. It might not be intimidating in the right setting. Tell her face-to-face if you can, it is the most confrontational way but you'll get a proper answer from her that way. You have to be the one to step forward because she might not do that at all. I say "Go for it", you don't want to go around wondering what might've happened or getting into the endless "What if..?" loop of doom. If you don't feel ready yet, then don't push yourself!
 

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Eh, you can speculate back and forth a million times over in terms of what's racing through her mind, but there's only one way to find out :D. Like you mentioned, uncertainty is indeed a killer and hopefully getting some clarity over things can really help give you a healthy push.

My only real advice for INFP's is that sometimes you have to call them out (politely) to be expressive or clear with you. Sometimes they're dense in terms of how they are presenting themselves. Similarly, they don't always pick up on cues so while you may have sent a few signals their way, it may have went over their head. Otherwise though, they need lots of support, reassurance, and usually some patience as you help them work through their thoughts -> words.

As for whether it would be intimidating or awkward, that's sort of the nature of the beast when it comes to INFP's. They are intimated by most things and are awkward in general :p. Try to be delicate, give them time, and maybe a way out if they don't share that romantic interest (ie: value friendship, etc) -- sadly, this may come at your expense as you may need to subdue yourself a bit to not appear too anxious, disappointed if it's not reciprocal, or what have you. They are people pleasers too and sometimes they'll do what you want, even if they haven't processed entirely what they want.

Go get em tiger~
 

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:)) I happen to be an INFP ;D well I can't speak for a specific person but yes you need to be very obvious with us, I need to be hit in the head to understand someone likes me even though everyone tells me the person is into me and even if I know it is there I can't make a move, even if there is a move I can't respond if it is not strong enough. I know you would like to see if you can approach an INFP first but nope, we need that to be very blunt. We just need to know and be sure. OR we need tremendous time if you leave it to us and chances are we will never find a perfect moment and probably even fall out of love. I know it is unfair but we are wired that way.

That being said I don't want to give false hopes, I find it really difficult to see my friends as romantic interests. It just doesn't work for me. There has to be an initial spark, if it is there it is there. For me personally even if I have a crush on a person at first it fades away as we become friends so I find it really awkward how you INFJs spend years being friends with a person then develop feelings for them all of a sudden. I don't like it when habits are getting mixed with emotions. Also friendship to me is very sacred I wouldn't feel like ruining it even if you were the perfect person but not everyone is like that. I am more on the dead romantic, passionate side of INFPs. But maybe if you are blunt and decisive you can spark her interest again, I mean for me it is a no no but still I see a possibility if you can break that awkward phase maybe

One thing: we like risk takers especially in the name of love ;) If you never try you will never know, that is worse than anything really. Don't get discouraged if she does not respond right away because I get cold and unresponsive when I am not expecting but I do like it unexpected haha well, she might take a step back and listen to her feelings.
 

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I hope you don't live by this advice yourself..
Pushing yourself when you're not ready to do something might give you very bad results.
I'm not saying it applies to every single situation. Throwing yourself out in a social setting where you're not completely comfortable/ready it might damage the relationship, you know?

Or I could give an extreme example: You're recovering from a terribly injury to your body and you don't feel ready to properly exercise again, well you decide to do it anyway and push yourself. ****, you just teared the recovering muscles up again and right back into the hospital. (But this was honestly a terrible example, I am aware)
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
you only holds back to ask her directly because it's in your nature to be afraid of rejection, so you ask here for help, when you still know what you shall do - just ask her.
Yeah, it took me a while to gather my strength if I can call it that to decide that I had to tell her. There is no other way right now.

You could just tell her in a nice, simple way. It might not be intimidating in the right setting. Tell her face-to-face if you can, it is the most confrontational way but you'll get a proper answer from her that way. You have to be the one to step forward because she might not do that at all. I say "Go for it", you don't want to go around wondering what might've happened or getting into the endless "What if..?" loop of doom. If you don't feel ready yet, then don't push yourself!
Face-to-face is what I'm going for, that way she can't "put it to the side" and I can see her reactions.
But I have to say, sometimes I need to push myself to do things. It's not the matter of being ready or not most of the time. It's usually fearing rejection or basically me being a scaredy wimp who can't get herself to do things because it makes me nervous/anxious. That and I can't put things of forever. If I do I better be ready for "the loop of doom" lol


Eh, you can speculate back and forth a million times over in terms of what's racing through her mind, but there's only one way to find out :D. Like you mentioned, uncertainty is indeed a killer and hopefully getting some clarity over things can really help give you a healthy push.
Yeah the fact that I'm finally getting clarity is one of my main reasons that I want to do this now. :3

My only real advice for INFP's is that sometimes you have to call them out (politely) to be expressive or clear with you. Sometimes they're dense in terms of how they are presenting themselves. Similarly, they don't always pick up on cues so while you may have sent a few signals their way, it may have went over their head. Otherwise though, they need lots of support, reassurance, and usually some patience as you help them work through their thoughts -> words.
Yeah, I have noticed she doesn't pick up on a lot of things...which is frustrating for me since sadly I prefer indirect approaches when it comes to things like this. But yeah, I'm willing to be clearer and more direct.

As for whether it would be intimidating or awkward, that's sort of the nature of the beast when it comes to INFP's. They are intimated by most things and are awkward in general :p. Try to be delicate, give them time, and maybe a way out if they don't share that romantic interest (ie: value friendship, etc) -- sadly, this may come at your expense as you may need to subdue yourself a bit to not appear too anxious, disappointed if it's not reciprocal, or what have you. They are people pleasers too and sometimes they'll do what you want, even if they haven't processed entirely what they want.

Go get em tiger~
Yeah I definitely need to watch my words and reactions and make sure I don't appear to intense/anxious.


:)) I happen to be an INFP ;D well I can't speak for a specific person but yes you need to be very obvious with us, I need to be hit in the head to understand someone likes me even though everyone tells me the person is into me and even if I know it is there I can't make a move, even if there is a move I can't respond if it is not strong enough. I know you would like to see if you can approach an INFP first but nope, we need that to be very blunt. We just need to know and be sure. OR we need tremendous time if you leave it to us and chances are we will never find a perfect moment and probably even fall out of love. I know it is unfair but we are wired that way.
Do you think that telling her that I like her face-to-face is a strong enough move?
And yes, I waited a bit to see if she could catch my signals and maybe hopefully make any kind of move, as subtle as it could be, but of course she never did lol

That being said I don't want to give false hopes, I find it really difficult to see my friends as romantic interests. It just doesn't work for me. There has to be an initial spark, if it is there it is there. For me personally even if I have a crush on a person at first it fades away as we become friends so I find it really awkward how you INFJs spend years being friends with a person then develop feelings for them all of a sudden. I don't like it when habits are getting mixed with emotions. Also friendship to me is very sacred I wouldn't feel like ruining it even if you were the perfect person but not everyone is like that. I am more on the dead romantic, passionate side of INFPs. But maybe if you are blunt and decisive you can spark her interest again, I mean for me it is a no no but still I see a possibility if you can break that awkward phase maybe
If it makes a difference, we've only known each other for like 7 months more or less. We're not close friends or anything.
Another thing I've heard from her though, she likes to get to know her interests first before she can even think of dating them.
How can I be blunt and decisive for an INFP when telling her about my feelings? I really don't wanna mess up :/

One thing: we like risk takers especially in the name of love ;) If you never try you will never know, that is worse than anything really. Don't get discouraged if she does not respond right away because I get cold and unresponsive when I am not expecting but I do like it unexpected haha well, she might take a step back and listen to her feelings.
Yeah I am going to tell her that if she doesn't have an answer right away, or just needs time, she can answer me whenever she's ready.

But as an INFP, how do you think I should ask her to see her whenever she's free during the day (so I can tell her)?
I already told her (made the mistake lol) that "I needed to talk to her whenever she had 10 minutes" and she never got back to me...
 

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Pushing yourself when you're not ready to do something might give you very bad results.
I'm not saying it applies to every single situation. Throwing yourself out in a social setting where you're not completely comfortable/ready it might damage the relationship, you know?

Or I could give an extreme example: You're recovering from a terribly injury to your body and you don't feel ready to properly exercise again, well you decide to do it anyway and push yourself. ****, you just teared the recovering muscles up again and right back into the hospital. (But this was honestly a terrible example, I am aware)

That example is not reasonable to use in this context.

The real question is when will you ever ever ever be feeling ready? your inner resistance is in you all time even next morning when you weak up, and it's up to you to push yourself or motivate yourself and by then you accomplish what you wanted.

Not throwing yourself out in something you're not comfortable with will not make you more comfortable in the same situation next day, it's only by taking action you will know about the situation and next time you'll feel in more control in the situation and that makes you feel more comfortable about the situation.

Allowing fear and resistance to dominate your existence is the same as waiting to feel ready, it's the same emotions that makes you react before you act.
 

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@midnight cookies Yeah, I do agree. That was a terrible advice of me with the "don't push yourself if you're not ready yada yada". Not even I do that. I push myself all the time, which has made me do so much progress just in general. *facepalm* I take it back. Good luck with her.
 

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I know I know, it all sounds too conflicting but yes we indeed need to get to know our interests as well. We most certainly don't like to be pushed or get too intense all of a sudden. I mean we feel it in our core but we won't show it right away. I like a spark to be present, hmm how to say? Say if I have become close friends with a person and I am too comfortable around them and I don't get excited but I treat them just as someone else in my friend group, or say I don't get nervous before meeting them then I know it is a friend. It feels more casual. But say I have a new friend that I am not at that point and say I have an interest for them, I will get a tiny bit excited and nervous every time I see them, I may look into their eyes for longer or I might be escaping my eyes from them, I may be more shy around them, I may be ignoring them...I will give you that we are impossible sometimes. I like to hang out with them and share more, spend one-on-one time with them rather than in a group, ask more personal question, I mean you should have deeper conversations on ideas or show an interest in personal likes and views rather than talking about a class or some current tv series. We love to listen but we like it when you show an interest and try to get to know us, then I like slightly romantic exchanges, not blunt or direct ones but thoughtful sweet ones, not cheesy compliments either. That will keep my interest alive rather than being just friends. But this can go on forever so when you feel it, at that point you should be more blunt.

Maybe I should have asked, what is the nature of your relationship? What do you do, how do you spend time together? Do you see each other one on one or hang out with a circle?

But the good thing with us is that, the initial phase is really tough but if you are in, we will open up and happily take over and show affection :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
@nichya

We spend time mostly at college, and it's a mix of one-on-one and in groups....recently though it has been more one-on-one. The frustrating part is that recently we have been spending less and less time together. I see her in class, we say hi to each other and sometimes we barely talk... Then she just goes to the gym instead of hanging out :/ I'm not sure if it's because she doesn't want to hang out or if it is due to stress (she told me that when she's going through things she kind of shuts people off). Because of that I'm always afraid to ask her to hang out more...

But over summer break, she would always say how much she missed me and would look happy and she'd hug me whenever we'd see each other and awesome things like that. When she found out we had classes together she looked so excited and texted me the corniest thing the day before classes started lol But a little after classes started she just idk shut down... I know her grades aren't very good and her job is stressful so maybe it's that?
 

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Oh boy :) I really wish I could say something. It could be anything. Do INFJs really have hard time reading us? I think you do, despite your gift with everyone else. Haha corniest text could be a good sign though, I get super awkward sometimes when I like a person. It could be outer factors, it could be her enjoying you but not wanting to get in a relationship, she might be cutting you off as well, I just don't know. Sometimes we do like a person but we usually don't do anything about it, sometimes we see a mutual potential but we are really horrified with the idea of a relationship because it is a big deal to us that affects every aspect of our life and holds a big space in our head, sometimes we measure how much -we- are willing to get there despite the attraction. It does feel like we are sacrificing some part of us and measuring how much we want that and how much it is worth it. So she might be willing to focus on her studies and work. Or maybe she got discouraged as well, or felt bad for that corny message for example. If an INFP is getting corny and awkward try to make them feel comfortable :)) but not fake, I really get touchy when I am all awkward and joking and the person is dead serious.

I don't know :( but it sounds like you should suggest that you and her spend one-on-one time, I see you are afraid but it seems like you won't be getting to her with just hi's. Not like a date but suggest going to a movie that you know she would like for example. I mean do you know her interests? Show some interest in them, or try to start a conversation from them? I really wish I could help, I know that sometimes we do enjoy people and they do enjoy us but the connection is lost, sometimes we just don't want to. Sometimes there are people that repeatedly suggests going out and asking if I like doing this and that and I say I am not really keen on that and say I don't feel like it just so they can get the message -but- I would never say I missed that person. I mean we don't say we miss people if we don't mean it, we don't really text to those people out of nowhere and I really don't spend one-on-one time with many. When you say hi, maybe you can suggest some activity together? I know an ENFJ would possibly tell her s/he wants her to see something and take her hand and show her a puppy or something, haha ridiculous as it sounds I don't think she would insist on going to gym. Then she would probably giggle at how silly the ENFJ is and I don't know they are ridiculous but making things work to break the ice. I am perhaps the worst person to take advice from but I know the persistent blunt way works for me and sometimes I discourage people when I don't mean to. I mean if she really does not want to spend time with you she will draw the line, I am sure. We are not as political as you guys, we may be still nice but we don't leave it flexible if we really want our message conveyed. I do tend to say maybe some other time though, don't leave it hanging ask her what time would be the best or suggest a date, asking what she is doing on say thursday. I tend to give escapist answers but when I see the person is making an effort and making it sound more solid, I may think it as a step. Actually this has worked for me with an INFJ. If she says she doesn't know or still want to leave it hanging don't push her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
@nichya

Yep I have found INFPs to be a bit hard to read in depth. Oddly enough I don't find it hard to read ENFPs
I don't want to suggest a relationship right now, I know that she feels similarly to what you said. I would rather us date and take it slow.

The corny text was just an example of the cute things she would do but stopped doing since classes started again btw

Yeah I'd like to suggest hanging out but sometimes it's hard to get a hold of her. Her schedule is really weird. Of course, we have a bunch of thins in common and we get along great so I have that in my favor. We always talk about how we should do things together (ussually her suggesting!) outside of college but nothing comes out of it. We've only gone out out like three times but there were other people there. But Maybe it's my fault for not setting a definite date but then again she always tends to freak out when I ask when is she free or try to set a date. Confusing, kinda puts me off from trying and makes me think I'm doing something wrong. :/

I wonder though, why does she tend to leave things hanging? Even if she was the one to suggest things. Some of my friends describe it as being "flaky", I dunno.

As for hanging out while in college, sometimes I feel she's avoiding something. During the first few days she did tell me when she was free and we hung out a few times but now she has been working out at the gym, I barely see her around campus, and we barely do anything together anymore. When I suggest stuff she seems enthusiastic and says that we totally should but not much comes of it. Again, maybe I'm wrong by saying "whenever you're free"...

I dunno I feel like I want to tell her how I feel (maybe tomorrow, scary lol), it would bring more clarity to everything. Maybe it would also make things better and get her to feel more comfortable (if she does like me back) about expressing more interest. Like some friends suggested, maybe she kinda gave up since I'm not obvious about my feelings. Or maybe she's just under a lot of stress.
 

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Here's what I would say to her, almost word for word:

"There's something I need to tell you. I don't want you to feel pressured into anything, but I really really like you. (List off reasons why here.)....Again please don't feel pressured. I'll understand if you don't feel the same way or need to think about it, but I would like to continue being your friend at the very least."

That way you're being more direct which speaking as an INFP myself, I like that approach. You're letting her know you're okay with giving her time to process things (which is important) and you're not trying to pressure her. You're also letting her know that you value her friendship if she decides the feeling isn't mutual so she won't have to worry about losing you.

From the sounds of your more recent posts it sounds like you're having a hard time getting her on her own. I think I'd tell her the next time you see her on campus. Might be the only way if she has a lot going on right now.
 
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Not saying this in a bad context but although ENFPs might give the image of being deep for a short period, they are usually skin deep compared to INFPs. But sometimes the problem is INFPs don't know what they want either, actually fine if you dig deeper we know what we want, we have an ideal image that we can not describe in words but feel and we keep measuring how much a person gets close to that image, we don't do it on purpose but trying to tell how it feels, we don't think specifically but just feel. Sometimes we want the other person to act more like that ideal image and we get discouraged when they don't, it may seem as pull and push behavior from outside.

Yes, good point ! Even if I have a crush on someone and they ask me out for example "would you like to meet tomorrow or sometime next week" I will 100% say sometime next week and just leave it there. The idea just freaks me out and I feel like I need time and I shouldn't jump on. So if the person leaves it there, I don't initiate it and I leave it there. But if a person suggests how about tuesday? Then I will say yes. Happened. Another time I really didn't feel like meeting not because I didn't like the person but I felt a lack of interest and said the other week or some other time would be better, when he asks would you want to meet this wednesday or next week? Then being the INFJ he goes on and asks if I would like to set a date or it is too early, then I express I don't feel like it but he asks what I am doing on thursday and I will accept it because I see he is making an effort. Because I felt a lack of interest from before I need to hear something strong to believe that you are genuinely wanting to meet rather than just saying it or just meeting for the sake of meeting. Then I expect some follow up as well. I know you guys are easily discouraged as well but it is just us, we need to feel that you want to be there. I indeed say things like we should do this and that a lot but I never do anything about it. Sometimes I say those in the heat of the moment and really mean it, then I don't feel enough especially to initiate it or maybe I even think you are not that interested and I shouldn't keep bugging people with my ideas. Try to remind her like I don't know, hey there is this going on and I remember you suggesting we do that together so want to join me? I would say I would enjoy it, and the fact that you remembered and was actually paying attention. Something like that. Whenever you are free really does not speak to me. Also we guys live in a magical world where time does not pass. I mean we never think of a person's individual life so we don't feel like a lot has happened since we last meet. Say a month feels like a week to us if we are on a busy schedule. So overall good observation lol. When you leave things to us, it is not that we are always shy but we have a million doubts in our heads and we really feel discouraged or don't feel like doing something if we feel the other person is not interested enough or won't enjoy the time together.

And yes I can't feel like opening up at all or letting anyone in when there are others. I need intimacy and solidarity. You guys are very different I feel like you sometimes date to a large group rather than the person herself. For me it should feel like we are the only two people left on earth. I have also figured out that I really can't get close to a person if we are not taking a night walk together. Hahah, this is of course very person specific but I honestly can't function otherwise ! haha
 

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Well if that helps with anything but this might be rather personal, I don't spend one-on-one time with people if I believe they might be interested in me and I don't have an interest for them. I don't even say yes when they offer having a coffee. I feel like it will lead to another date and so on and it will be just harder and I really can't put on an interested face so it will bore me out of my mind. If it is not there I don't have a thing to just try and see like most of my friends do.
 
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