actually it was terrible. I had to sort through like 100+ jobs to find ones that fit my credentials (ie, minimal entry level experience). you know what sucks the most though? I thought I has all this control over my life. I've been like a monk preaching peace of mind while he's been living at a friggin monastery lol (that monk can talk after raising 2 kids and working 50 hours a week LOL). really though, the actual work hasn't been that bad, but I thought I was this mature, in control guy when really I'm a well dressed, ambitious child who happens to have very good communication skills lol. I mean, I have good qualities. I am very in control emotionally, I don't need emotional support from anyone (guidance, yes; emotional support, never), I'm assertive/good communication skills and I know myself (how I operate and what I really desire) and I'm really just teasing myself more than anything (even at my worst, self esteem is not really an issue lol) but really, it's true. I need to grow up and face the music. I just have to remember that it will get better the more shit I sort out and the closer I get to my ideal lifestyle. eventually, work can become something fun, exciting and fulfilling (once I can make it what I want it to be), but for now it's drudgery, due diligence and survival.
I can't believe how delusional I've been. I mean, I've never really considered myself "above" people, but unconsciously I've been under the belief that I was this extremely powerful guy who had all these options and didn't have to settle for the low hanging fruit. turns out what I considered "low hanging fruit" is probably something that would take me years to work up to, never mind the actual high hanging fruit lol. perhaps I was putting too much weight in the law of attraction. not all of it was bad though. I do have a solid belief system and genuinely love myself and these are not things I need to change, I just need to remember that just because I have a high opinion of/love myself does not mean the world does, and it definitely doesn't mean that self acceptance/love will instantly give you competence and experience, because it won't. general confidence is always good (belief that you are a capable individual and someone who learn to do whatever they want), but I need to remember that that doesn't carry into specific confidence (knowing that you are an expert in a certain skill set, thus requiring you to actually be one)