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I'm back, asking for advice, yet again, haha.

So, I'm an INFJ, as you can see. Though for some reason when I take a test, it says that my intuition and sensing are pretty split, which makes sense at times.

Anyway, I'm now moving off to college. I have orientation this Thursday, it is a two day event that starts early in the morning, to very late at night. We have a randomly assigned room mate and we're forced to spend the night in the dorms. That in of itself is unsettling to me, haha.

I'm incredibly nervous and have actually been losing sleep over this. I actually cannot enjoy myself. I have no idea where to go, as the campus is essentially a little town. It's very huge. From what I looked up about orientation, there is a lot of partying and socializing, which automatically has me dreading it.

I'm a very insecure person, I have trouble talking to people even though it may not seem that way to them at times. People also have trouble coming up to me or talking to me because I have a really bad resting bitch face, and I can come off as cold and blunt.

I would particularly like this advice from extroverts and sensors, since you guys always seem to have it all together, like you know what you're doing. (ISTP's are so laid back and chill from what I noticed, I envy you guys.)

How can I seem confident? How can I enjoy myself, step out of my comfort zone, and socialize? How can I remain calm even when I get lost or I'm trying to find my way around the university?


Thanks in advance, I really appreciate the advice I get on here!
 

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@KasKas19

INFJ here. I know, not the sensor extrovert you were hoping for ;)

I went to multiple universities, one was abroad even, and always had to start all over again with my social life. Same was true for 99% of ALL the students. Which is a good thing, for you ;)

I assure you that a lot of people will feel anxious at first. Nobody wants to end up alone, which means people are very receptive towards others. They are actively looking for connection, we are social animals you know.

The best thing you can do is also be RECEPTIVE towards others. You can do this by having an open posture. So a nice little exercise for you is to become aware of how your posture is now. Discover if it is open or closed. If it is closed you can go and practice having an open posture and see how that feels for you.

When it comes to your resting bitch face...
I gave a girl I worked with the following advice: every day look in the mirror and make different faces. Happy face, sad face, resting bitch face etc. Become aware of how it feels both physically and emotionally.

She actually improved quite a bit in a short period of time! So basically.......awareness is key ;)

When it comes to your insecurity.....I don't have your answers I am sorry. It's easy for me to say that you should just try and initiate a conversation, but I know it doesn't work like that. Practice does make perfect however and if you've found a person you have a connection with I'd advice you to initiate more in conversations then you normally would. You know, to figure out how that feels for you and why. If you can get to the why you might get to the root of your insecurity and you can start adressing those problems.
 

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Hey KasKas!

Let's face it, change is terrible for someone who doesn't like it, and it's even more terrible when you REALLY don't like it. I don't have any advice to when shit feels like utter shit. You can't make shit into chocolate pudding by baking it.

You don't have to seem confident when you go. You don't have to maintain control all the time. You don't have to stay calm. The important thing is that you just do what you need to do despite your brain screaming when you get scared.

You can tell people how you feel about social events. The good part is, you don't have to go to all of them. Be patient and caring with yourself. It's alright to be scared. You likely won't enjoy yourself the first few times you do break your comfort zone. That's what the comfort zone is - the area of life in which you are comfortable enough to enjoy yourself. I don't recommend utterly overloading yourself all in one go either - that's the perfect recipe for panic attacks, if you're so inclined. The art is in knowing where your soft limits are, then breaking them despite the fear. There's no way around fear and there's no magic pill to breaking out of the comfort zone. (Alcohol can be a nice social lubricant, but I always recommend big care if using it. It also doesn't solve the problem of fear, just postpones it. Or, maybe it's a soft-soft break out of the comfort zone, but definitely not a very big dent.)

Someone in my circles once said, "Doing the old way feels awful, doing the new way will feel equally awful." From this I gather: no matter what you do, you're gonna feel terrible in some way. That's both a comforting and a harsh truth.

You just do.

I wish you good luck for your new studies. It's gonna be alright. Besides, you can always fall back to the INFJ forum for commiseration!
 
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INFJ here. I know, not the sensor extrovert you were hoping for ;)
I genuinley appreciate advice from types similar to myself

I assure you that a lot of people will feel anxious at first. Nobody wants to end up alone, which means people are very receptive towards others. They are actively looking for connection, we are social animals you know.
This. This made me feel a lot better. What's odd is that, in the videos I have seen of orientation events at the school, almost everyone seemed to get along like they were best friends, even though they had just met each other? It was confusing, though I hope I can do the same thing. I struggle with being open to people like they were doing. It was super odd to me.

The best thing you can do is also be RECEPTIVE towards others. You can do this by having an open posture. So a nice little exercise for you is to become aware of how your posture is now. Discover if it is open or closed. If it is closed you can go and practice having an open posture and see how that feels for you.
I heard about this! I try and often catch myself attempting to cross my arms or put my hands in my pockets out of "protection" and because I feel insecure. It makes me feel so open and vulnerable otherwise, haha. I actually feel naked and like everyone is staring at me.

When it comes to your resting bitch face...
I gave a girl I worked with the following advice: every day look in the mirror and make different faces. Happy face, sad face, resting bitch face etc. Become aware of how it feels both physically and emotionally.

She actually improved quite a bit in a short period of time! So basically.......awareness is key ;)
That was kind of you to help her! I'll definitely do that. I've been working on it lately, but after a while I fall into my neutral expression, and I just look like -_-

When it comes to your insecurity.....I don't have your answers I am sorry. It's easy for me to say that you should just try and initiate a conversation, but I know it doesn't work like that. Practice does make perfect however and if you've found a person you have a connection with I'd advice you to initiate more in conversations then you normally would. You know, to figure out how that feels for you and why. If you can get to the why you might get to the root of your insecurity and you can start adressing those problems.
Yeah, you're right, initiating a conversation is pretty difficult for me. Unless it's one on one and I notice the person is shy, I got\ into "Mom mode" and want to make them feel comfortable, and I start feeling confident, weird right? Like, I actually want to converse with them and get to know them, and lead the way so they feel more at ease. Probably because it's what I would like someone to do with me, in a way.

Kinda like when I'm too afraid to get up and get something for myself out of insecurity and anxiety, but if someone asks me to get something for them, I'll happily get up and do it without a second thought.

Overall, thank you for your advice! It made me feel a little better!
 

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You don't have to seem confident when you go. You don't have to maintain control all the time. You don't have to stay calm. The important thing is that you just do what you need to do despite your brain screaming when you get scared.
I love this.

(Alcohol can be a nice social lubricant, but I always recommend big care if using it. It also doesn't solve the problem of fear, just postpones it. Or, maybe it's a soft-soft break out of the comfort zone, but definitely not a very big dent.)
That's true. A lot of people at the orientation were drinking or high, though I'm not to keen on bringing alcohol. I tried Xanax for the first time today to see how my anxiety handles it, and I have been feeling so much better. I may take some while I'm there. It really really calms me down.

Someone in my circles once said, "Doing the old way feels awful, doing the new way will feel equally awful." From this I gather: no matter what you do, you're gonna feel terrible in some way. That's both a comforting and a harsh truth.

You just do.
This is true, and I'll be sure to remember that quote.

I wish you good luck for your new studies. It's gonna be alright. Besides, you can always fall back to the INFJ forum for commiseration!
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your advice. It was very soothing. :)
 

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@KasKas19 You're welcome :)

On the videos you mentioned....
If universities showed videos of a lot of anxious people not daring to talk to each other nobody would go to them, right ;) It's marketing and marketing is often vvvveeeeeeeeerrrrryyyyy far removed from the real world.

Good luck with your orientation and I genuinely hope you will make a few new friends.
 

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That's true. A lot of people at the orientation were drinking or high, though I'm not to keen on bringing alcohol. I tried Xanax for the first time today to see how my anxiety handles it, and I have been feeling so much better. I may take some while I'm there. It really really calms me down.
Just a heads up: benzodiazepine-based pills like Xanax are incredibly addictive. You get hooked on the good feels. Eventually you'll have to deal with your anxiety and fear without it, and it'll be exponentially harder with withdrawal symptoms to go with it. I wouldn't wish benzo addiction anyone. (There's some in my immediately family and it's ugly.) Not saying you'll necessarily develop addiction to it, but from what I've heard, it's more common than not. Just be careful.

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your advice. It was very soothing. :)
No problem!
 
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On the videos you mentioned....
If universities showed videos of a lot of anxious people not daring to talk to each other nobody would go to them, right ;) It's marketing and marketing is often vvvveeeeeeeeerrrrryyyyy far removed from the real world.
That's very true, haha.

Good luck with your orientation and I genuinely hope you will make a few new friends.
Thank you so much!
 

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Just a heads up: benzodiazepine-based pills like Xanax are incredibly addictive. You get hooked on the good feels. Eventually you'll have to deal with your anxiety and fear without it, and it'll be exponentially harder with withdrawal symptoms to go with it. I wouldn't wish benzo addiction anyone. (There's some in my immediately family and it's ugly.) Not saying you'll necessarily develop addiction to it, but from what I've heard, it's more common than not. Just be careful.
You are absolutely right! A lot of kids I went to school with were addicted to it, and I come from a family of addicts, whether it's food, pills, smoking, or alcohol. I'm very careful with what I consume, and I did research beforehand. Thank you for your concern, and I promise to be careful! :)
 

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@KasKas19 Fellow INFJ here who also had to attend a two-day College orientation in the not-so-distant past. Orientation was honestly the worst part of college (at least so far), and kinda' really sucked. I just forced myself through it, and didn't think much about it in the moment. Made a few friends from it, but it was mostly a waste of time. Actual college is much better, it's much more at your-own-pace in terms of socialization. I'm now fairly involved at my college, though of my own choice in groups I enjoy. My advice is to find other people and groups at your school with similar interests/hobbies/personalities. Your school website will probably have a list of groups on campus, and ones in the local community are only a quick Google search away. As for parties, if you don't want to go to them, you're really not going to have a problem with that. My school is infamous for having a "party culture", but unless you're directly seeking that out you probably aren't going to just run into them, and many (if not most) students aren't regularly partying anyway.

Hopefully, your college experience goes well, and if you have any more questions feel free to ask me or one of the other helpful PerC members on this thread.
 

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Well... Don't leave your comfort zone.

See, sometimes I think people forget what emotions are for. Among other purposes, they also help fast track certain decisions based on accumulated experiential information.

Comfort exists for a reason, as does fear and anger.
The purpose of comfort, ostensibly, is to tell you when you've found a happy medium between various extremes.
So... sometimes people begin to feel uncomfortable in situations that used to be their comfort zone, and then they blame comfort itself and the message it sent for their new feelings of longing for more and the frustration from their own locked-in habits whose usefulness has expired.

However, comfort itself is innocent in all this... during the time it was most acutely felt, all things were in fact in proper balance. The trick is learning to be adaptive in self-perception to realize when the same situation is no longer comfortable.

SO, what does that mean for you? I think you should chase your comfort zone. Over time, that will expand and lead you to new experiences that wouldn't have been comfortable before.
Sitting around doing the same 'ol won't be comfortable forever, but while it is, that means the deeper, sometimes wiser, parts of your brain have found an equilibrium which is hard to attain... and if you can't find it at a college age, it won't be as easy to find when you're older and more set in your ways.
So when it feels comfortable to socialize, do that. When it's uncomfortable, stop.
When it's comfy to sit around in your PJs studying in private, do that. When you start to feel bored and frustrated, stop.

Sorry for any redundancy, I haven't attempted to explain this particular theory before. In short, trust your instincts and strong emotions - they have valuable insights to share.
 

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When I went to college and university, I too was worried about the partying. But once I got there I realized there was not as much partying as I thought. It's there, but a person can choose to take it or leave it. Universities have also sorts of different clubs. I would join one that I am interested in as that is a good way to start socializing I think. When I join a club I am interested in, than it will make it easier to break the ice. I can assume that other people joining the club will have the same interest so it gives me something to talk about with them. Also, I think just knowing that there are a lot of other people who will be feeling the same way you do.
 
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