[slicedpeaches]

Hello everyone! Sorry, y'all it's long and it's full of ENFPness, hope you ISTPS don't get discouraged from reading. :laughing:

I'm currently dating an ISTP and I'm an ENFP Type 2/4. We've only been dating for 3 months. However, I feel incredibly one-sided in this relationship. I put a lot of effort (Showing a lot of physical affection, words of affirmation, giving him gifts, etc.), and when a problem arises for me, I try to communicate and find a common ground that makes both of us happy. I feel like I'm the only one putting any input into the problems, I'll ask him what he thinks and he'll say "I don't know." I thought you guys were suppose to be fixers lol! He has an incredibly lazy and stoic demeanor. And for the most part, I just assume he's lazy because he never really does anything I propose, such as making any date plans to hang out with me in the future ( I know you guys are known to be bad at this.) but there will be many times he calls and ask to hang out and I'm busy. I find it incredibly selfish, he will just not ask for another day or anything and when I once felt I wanted to spontaneous and selfish and just showed up at his place without telling him and he said I was being inconsiderate (I agree, but literally don't care, trying to be him for a day.), and I get so tired being the initiator all the time, I just don't even suggest an alternative anymore. I feel like not a priority in his life, I feel taken advantaged of, and considering I'm incredibly emotional, I feel emotionally starving.... and it's been so unhealthy for me mentally, cause I'm constantly trying to create turmoil to get attention because communicating doesn't seem to work. Even when we talk about problems, HE apparently doesn't have any problem with me, but I have so many problems with him, but when we talk about it, he just never helps. He listens, I know, but he doesn't say anything and he doesn't do anything to change.. anything. I keep hearing you guys express it through action but he doesn't really do much.. he's pretty physically affectionate but I just think that ties in with sex. He also SLEEPS alot when I'm around, so "quality time" isn't really quality to me.. He occasionally smokes pot from what he says but I know potheads go to sleep alot but maybe it just depends on the person. Definitely doesn't say anything romantic, I have to force it out of him by asking him DO YOU LIKE ME like 3 times. He will also hang out with his friends and get drunk alot, and will not text me all day/night, it's not the most important thing but it does make me feel undervalued in his priority list, considering everything else he has or well HASN'T done. I get worried pretty easily, I've had alot of traumatic experiences with death of important people, so I really appreciate them updating me or at least telling me they'll go MIA. He's been better about it but I honestly dont think I have given this relationship enough time. Especially for an ISTP... I don't know if I need to be more patient or just really cut this relationship, it's been incredibly draining trying to carry his ass and leading this relationship, it's like I'm doing all the hardwork and he's just behind me while I cut the obstacles in front of us. Also he's incredibly broke, so we can't really go out and EXPERIENCE a lot of things.. so I try to pay from him once in a while but I felt so taken advantaged of, I just didn't feel good doing it anymore.

I've suggested to be FWB, see other people, instead of working towards a serious/long-term relationship or possibly an open relationship, so he doesn't have to feel the pressure of what I expect in a relationship as much, but he's HIGHLY against it and only wants us to see each other only. I have no doubt he's honest and faithful but it's like he's living a single lifestyle while wanting a girl with him.. without any obligations/priorities/responsibility of a partner. It's incredibly frustrating. I give him a good amount of space cause I enjoy mines as well, but literally, if I don't ask to hang out or just spontaneously do it, HE WILL RARELY ASK. How can this help maintain a healthy and exciting relationship?? I also don't know why he doesn't just let me go, whenever I try to break up with him, he always sweet talks me into forgiving him and giving him another chance and resumes his unreliable and uncertain ways. Ugh, I just feel like we are so incredibly incompatible and my communication doesn't get through to him and I'm pretty direct. I've asked people around me for their opinions and they all say to dump him because I deserve a lot better, but I think they're biased cause they care for me.. so I want to see you ISTP's perspectives on his behaviors around me and I guess judge mines and what I can do better to accommodate to him but also be able to get more emotionally from an ISTP. I'm not sure if I have anymore patience and literally just want to disappear and ignore his calls/texts maybe just in SPITE of how I feel with him when he goes MIA on me and leave the relationship at that. I'm really trying to save this relationship but it's been really hard, he hasn't proven to me that he'll be a reliable partner in times of need, I mean he could just be too immature, he could also be too shy and needs lots of time to commit to that, he can also not be as interested enough to think it's worth of an effort, etc. He doesn't even feel bad in this relationship.. and I AM FEELING LIKE SHIT he fucks from time to time. thoughts? Maybe I just can't see the big picture or see the little changes that are happening? I have no fucking idea, I'm confused, annoyed, and frustrated.

Please and thank yous! Other personality types are welcome to chime in too!

 

[gte]

I'm going to be honest here. I got drained just by reading your post. I didn't even make it to the middle of the third paragraph before it became too much. I imagine your physical presence is at least as draining. I can easily see why he would try to keep a distance. Now repackage these words in the gentlest and kindest possible way - this is how I want it to sound, but I'm an ISTP, so...

If you want to have a meaningful relationship with any ISTP, you need to be less demanding and more understanding. All I saw was "here are a hundred reasons why he's bad". Maybe you are right and maybe he is. I can tell you though that three months is not enough time to get to know an ISTP. Nor is trying to judge their motives by observing their behaviour a valid approach to getting to know an ISTP.

So if you want to get to know him better, stop expecting him to behave in a certain way and instead try to understand why he acts the way he does. I mean genuinely try to understand him rather than to change him. And give it an year or two.

Your primary way of connecting is emotional while his is intellectual. This is a big communication challenge and it will take a great deal of effort from each of you to speak the language of the other one. If you decide to keep trying you might want to dial back on dating/romance, reduce your efforts in maintaining the relationship and try to establish a closer friendship. I suggest you put as much effort into it as you feel that he puts, so you don't feel used and taken for granted.

 

[Flying Triangle]

My God. Your text wall is killing me.

You sound fairly high maintenance. No wonder he gets wasted on the weekends.

J/k but, seriously

If you don't like the person, why did you get into a relationship in the first place?

It's easier to find a person you like, than change a person into one you like.

 

[cursive]

not gonna lie, when I saw the link to this thread, I genuinely thought to myself "I bet it is another E NFP asking for clarification about their ISTP."

I only came here to see if I was right. Have a nice day.

*I recommend browsing through other threads that were posted by the ENFPs about ISTP people so you can see the typical struggles ENFPs have understanding us.

 

[BNB]

 

[VioletEvergarden]

 

[Diavolo]

"Definitely doesn't say anything romantic, I have to force it out of him by asking him DO YOU LIKE ME like 3 times."

Dear girl,

Don't do that

Thanks

 

[slicedpeaches]

Well shit, don't think I didn't get drained from typing that shit either. I'm actually surprisingly calm in real life but when I try to figure things out its get jumbled and hard to organize. I highly appreciate your input though, I think slowing things down and focusing on the friendship aspect is a great idea. I mean, I guess in this own way, I'm really trying to understand him and his thought process. I'm only worried that I'm the kind that really likes to express my nurturing and caring side, it's hard for me not to feel taken advantaged of if they're more reserved in those matters in reciprocating it back and definitely hard for me to turn it off with someone I like. Thanks a lot, love!

 

[slicedpeaches]

not gonna lie, when I saw the link to this thread, I genuinely thought to myself "I bet it is another E NFP asking for clarification about their ISTP."

I only came here to see if I was right. Have a nice day.

*I recommend browsing through other threads that were posted by the ENFPs about ISTP people so you can see the typical struggles ENFPs have understanding us.

Well baby you were damn right! Thanks for the recommendation. :dog:

 

[slicedpeaches]

My God. Your text wall is killing me.

You sound fairly high maintenance. No wonder he gets wasted on the weekends.

J/k but, seriously

If you don't like the person, why did you get into a relationship in the first place?

It's easier to find a person you like, than change a person into one you like.

You ain't joking. To be fair, he gets wasted a lot before I came along..
I do like him of course, he's a sweetheart, I know, ... deep down. Now comes the question, do I like him enough to compromise these problems I'm having. Is it possible for him to compromise?, I don't want to change people, I usually end up changing myself if anything. I rather have an equal amount of effort when it comes to relationships or even me putting a little more than him is fine. But yeah, no one's perfect.

 

[Northern Lights]

I know it's a Ne/ENFP stereotype to have these random stream of consciousness walls o'text that give me headaches, but damnit. That's one massive paragraph, girl.

Without reading anything, to deal with us: Close your mouth. Think of what you want to say. Then don't say that, but extract three relevant words. Out of those, make three short sentences and speak them. If that didn't cover everything you wanted to say, make a pause, then repeat above process. I just thought of this rule, but I think it sounds great.

Now, scanning that wall. Online-dating (hate this, but YMMV). Problems communicating (I don't know means "I haven't thought about this, so I don't know", "I don't care enough to think about this so I don't know" or "you aren't making any sense, so I don't know what are you even saying"), "so many problems with him" (dump him), "taken advantaged of, ... I feel emotionally starving" (why didn't you dump him already?), "ISTP's perspectives" (see this post).

TL;DR: The ISTP perspective is that it makes no objective sense to do something you clearly dislike. You might try to tell him instead of posting here, using my shiny new rule above. That might work or it might not. If it works, keep doing that, if it doesn't, stop doing that.


ETA: Just to clarify, I actually appreciate an occasional hurricane in my life. It keeps things fresh and interesting. Just ... in moderate doses, please. Learning to slow down and coming to rest should probably be high on your agenda, if you want to improve yourself.

 

[islandlight]

I am attracted to ISTPs, have been with them in the past, and am interested in one at the moment, so I've been studying up a bit. First of all, it's my understanding that gifts and words of love don't really figure in ISTPs' love language.

In general, it sounds like you are very unhappy with him, that you are offended by so many things he does, that the two of you don't have the same idea of what a relationship is. I think if you don't have patience with his day-to-day behavior, there isn't much sense trying to have patience over the long term.

Why don't you walk away? He isn't going to change.

Sorry if I sound harsh. I know what I'm talking about because I've been there and done that.

 

[Candy Apple]

I also don't know why he doesn't just let me go, whenever I try to break up with him, he always sweet talks me into forgiving him and giving him another chance and resumes his unreliable and uncertain ways.

He reels you in with his words when he wants and he will keep doing this. You do not need to give him chances - it should not even get to that point. A relationship takes two people and he is not bothering on his end. You are just there because it's nice to have you around. Even though he doesn't seem to do anything, he's the one calling the shots because ultimately you give him what he wants because when you say you want to go, you stay because he asks.

Instead of getting caught up in whether he's interested in you, look at his character. Don't get into relationships with people that are not suitable for you or do not have good character. You are finding it so hard to communicate with him and besides type, I believe the problem lies with his character. It is my belief that he is stringing you along and does not respect you. If he respected you he would show it with his actions. And no, don't give him another "chance" to prove this to you with his actions - do you really need to spell everything out to him? No. Do you need to wait for it to happen? No. Do you need to give him time? If you thought yes to any of those questions, you'll never be happy for as long as you keep saying yes to him.

You don't need to "save" this... you're prolonging your problems.
I do think you've put a lot of effort and care into this relationship and I do not think your bf is so :mellow: that he has never done anything sweet or considerate for you but I do not think it is good to continue this relationship.


Edit: I read your other post/thread and ... really, why are you staying with him? He might be treating you badly but you are also treating yourself badly because you're allowing this to happen. Instead of choosing to step away, you've chosen to immerse yourself... You need to end whatever is happening with him to gain perspective or you will continue to be naive in relationships.

 

[Northern Lights]

Wat. I totally missed that sentence. @slicedpeaches, he does not have to "let you go". You walk away. Are you your own person or are you his person? I know not everyone is as infernally self-willed as your average ISTP, but still, at this point, I have to say it's your fault too.

He reels you in with his words when he wants and he will keep doing this. You do not need to give him chances - it should not even get to that point.

Generally speaking, I believe in second and perhaps even third chances. That's only fair, from where I am standing, as I was given those chances in various stages in my life myself. Ultimately, being able to forgive is what makes relationships of any kind work. But after the second or maybe third try, eventually there comes a time where the Einstein aphorism becomes relevant.

 

[Bernard Bernoulli]

According to Socionics, and ISTP is the most difficult relationship for an ENFP and vice versa. Your dominant function he ignores. Same for you and his dominant function. You two don't share any of the same cognitive functions. I Hate to suggest it, but you might be having issues because you two are not that compatible/natural of a pair.

 

[VioletEvergarden]

According to Socionics, and ISTP is the most difficult relationship for an ENFP and vice versa. Your dominant function he ignores. Same for you and his dominant function. You two don't share any of the same cognitive functions. I Hate to suggest it, but you might be having issues because you two are not that compatible/natural of a pair.

Good thing this isn't Socionics, then.

 

[ajanko]

ISTP doesn't read wall of text, keep it simple madam...

Summary of the text: ENFP ranting how selfish your ISTP is.

Solution: Just get new BF.

Trust me, this relationship just... terrible.

 

[cursive]

I am attracted to ISTPs, have been with them in the past, and am interested in one at the moment, so I've been studying up a bit. First of all, it's my understanding that gifts and words of love don't really figure in ISTPs' love language.

In general, it sounds like you are very unhappy with him, that you are offended by so many things he does, that the two of you don't have the same idea of what a relationship is. I think if you don't have patience with his day-to-day behavior, there isn't much sense trying to have patience over the long term.

Why don't you walk away? He isn't going to change.


Sorry if I sound harsh. I know what I'm talking about because I've been there and done that.

heh? I give gifts and I am fluent in words of affirmation. Mature ISTP got zero qualms about showing love or speaking love, because we are not ashamed of emotions, because logically it makes no sense to be ashamed of a feeling.

 

[Splash Shin]

He sounds like a clueless ass who doesnt know how to handle a women or a relationship at all.


Perhaps you (as ENFPS can be) are a little demanding compared to what the average ISTP can give, but i don't think you have made any unfair demands.

Do you feel like you would want to work at fixing something that is so prevalent so early?
You probably came here looking for views from ISTPs to represent your boyfriends way of thought, but in all honest, this guy is an individual, and in my view, it may just not be worth investing yourself so much.
what do you think?

If you want my more candid view, I will provide it.

 

[Bernard Bernoulli]

Good thing this isn't Socionics, then.

WHOAH look at this cool guy right here!

Make the argument for how what I said is wrong. The translation isn't too tough if you've got any brains. And nothing I said in the post is made false by that fact, they still share no functions and are completely different types that don't share the kind of chemistry together that an ENFJ would with an ISTP. You know about the quadras and mirror types, why mirror types are attracted to each other. Where's the magic flaw in all this you found?