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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Summary (as best as I can recall the relevant details):
-I met an INTP resident doctor (in his last semester of residency) a few months ago. I am an INFJ female and a designer (graduated in May, second major, plus studied other subjects, including some medical, so finished 9.5 years of college). I estimate he's around 8 years older than me. During one of our first few brief conversations, he said I was easy to talk to, and at another time I asked him if he would like to be friends. He said yes but wondered what that would look like. He said he did not do much social media. Neither do I. I asked what he likes to do for fun. One of the things he listed was “outdoors,” and I told him I liked the outdoors. He said we could talk about it more in a month (referring to the next meeting time), if I wanted to, and he asked if I was ok with that. Under the circumstances, it seemed reasonable to me, so I agreed.
-The next time ended up being a bit sooner, and he did not bring it up, but I did. I asked him if he remembered what we were going to talk about, and he did. He gave me his number and told me that he would have a lot more time after two months, and the weather warmer and hopefully more places open so we could have fun. He said he’d have a little more time after six weeks. He said if he did not respond it wasn’t because he was ignoring me, but just because he was busy, so not to be hurt by that. He told me a bit about his schedule, 80 hours a week, ICU, etc.
-I thought he might appreciate some inspirational quotes. I texted him that I might occasionally send some unless he informed me that he preferred otherwise. He said he would love an inspirational quote.
-From then on, I have sent graphics of inspirational verses (Bible) and quotes on a near weekly basis. He occasionally replied to basically check-in. He said he wouldn’t be able to attend my graduation, but he would be thinking about me while he works.
-Recently, we finally met for coffee (his idea). At the café, he did treat me to a latte (after I gave him a fun little surprise gift of colorful layers of wrapping paper, confetti, and a box of candy that was a play on his name, and a sticky note inside). We found out we had more things in common, talked about what we would like to do in the near future, he brought up his loan, etc. I think he also mentioned he’s bad at responding to texts. He doesn’t like phone calls, prefers in person because can connect better. At some point we simply looked at each other, he smiled, I smiled. Then, it happened again, but I smiled, he smiled. Towards the end, he said, “This is fun!” He also mentioned his general schedule availability (weekday, not weekends) to continue meeting and asked if I would like that. He said we could/would keep in touch via text, just like I’d been doing.
-I have continued sending the inspo graphics, more than usual one week though. I asked if he’d like to meet the coming week, and I would be planning out schedule for next week, so would appreciate hearing back from him soon. It’s been about 1.5 weeks since that text and I have not heard back from him. I am not sure what to think of the matter. I believe his graduation is this weekend.
-Overall, I am wondering what all of this means. Does he really consider me a friend? Is he annoyed? Why would he say he’s available on a weekday, and then not respond? We seemed to really enjoy our time together, but why the silence now? Did he possibly have a romantic interest in me? What about now? I know I am very attracted to his intelligence, but he also comes across as very compassionate (motivated by helping others, wants to be able to make enough to volunteer, thoughtful, etc), which is also important to me. Based off what I do know and sense of him, I deeply admire and respect him. I believe there’s a lot I could learn from him, and that he could learn from me. I like to be challenged and to grow as a person. But I do not really know what he thinks of me. He mentioned in passing that he and one of his friends were still bachelors, while another friend is in a completely different stage of life as he has a family. But I have never actually told him that I am single, which I am. I would like clarity. What would be the best way to handle this whole situation?
Any insight/advice would be greatly appreciated and thank you for your time!
 

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I honestly don't think he is much interested neither annoyed. I mean, I don't consider he is being mean or that he dislikes you, he is just not invested; neutral. From my perspective, you will generally know when an INTP really finds you amusing or likes you romantically; even if we are busy, we will make time (we procrastinate a lot anyways), text, even make phone calls or take the initiative. From what you wrote, it sounds more like you are the one working on it for the most part and he is just being receptive. Additionally, building a friendship with an INTP is much harder, we are used to acquaintances and superficial interactions, no real feelings involved. When that is different, it will show: we become more open, goofy, etc.

Maybe you could ask him directly if he is busy or simply not interested? I would not mind that type of question, to be honest, I like things clear too.

Question: does he really like quotes from the Bible? Hm. Interesting.

- Separate thought: incredible how (we) women tend to save every little detail, right? The stares, the smiles, the hand gestures, etc. Or maybe men do too but don't talk about it? I don't know. In any case, in most cases, if you have to look that deep, there is probably nothing (yet. If you really like him, don't give up).
 

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He said if he did not respond it wasn’t because he was ignoring me, but just because he was busy, so not to be hurt by that. He told me a bit about his schedule, 80 hours a week, ICU, etc.
+
I believe his graduation is this weekend.
Means the answer to your questions:
Does he really consider me a friend? Is he annoyed? Why would he say he’s available on a weekday, and then not respond? We seemed to really enjoy our time together, but why the silence now? Did he possibly have a romantic interest in me? What about now?
= to sit it out and wait.

There is a lot of projection going on from your part. Things will clear up, for the both of you, after a few more of those "fun" coffee dates. And as for the signs: the far more reliable method is to trust what you know from the real-life encounters. Whatever coldness/disinterest you detect from text = don't pay any heed to it; it's the medium, and your fears exploiting the room for interpretation.

Also: gifts are nice, but too many for no reason = a toss-up between uncomfortable and scary, at least for most people.

But I have never actually told him that I am single, which I am.
Oooh he knows...
What about him though?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I honestly don't think he is much interested neither annoyed. I mean, I don't consider he is being mean or that he dislikes you, he is just not invested; neutral. From my perspective, you will generally know when an INTP really finds you amusing or likes you romantically; even if we are busy, we will make time (we procrastinate a lot anyways), text, even make phone calls or take the initiative. From what you wrote, it sounds more like you are the one working on it for the most part and he is just being receptive. Additionally, building a friendship with an INTP is much harder, we are used to acquaintances and superficial interactions, no real feelings involved. When that is different, it will show: we become more open, goofy, etc.

Maybe you could ask him directly if he is busy or simply not interested? I would not mind that type of question, to be honest, I like things clear too.

Question: does he really like quotes from the Bible? Hm. Interesting.

- Separate thought: incredible how (we) women tend to save every little detail, right? The stares, the smiles, the hand gestures, etc. Or maybe men do too but don't talk about it? I don't know. In any case, in most cases, if you have to look that deep, there is probably nothing (yet. If you really like him, don't give up).
Thank you for your reply!
He texted once a while back to let me know he appreciated the positive messages. He knew basically from the beginning that I'm, as he put it, "a person of faith." I think he also told me twice in the same message that he didn't want me to think he was ignoring me, just busy.

I'm curious: Why is that interesting to you?

What does "not giving up" look like to you?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
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Means the answer to your questions: = to sit it out and wait.

There is a lot of projection going on from your part. Things will clear up, for the both of you, after a few more of those "fun" coffee dates. And as for the signs: the far more reliable method is to trust what you know from the real-life encounters. Whatever coldness/disinterest you detect from text = don't pay any heed to it; it's the medium, and your fears exploiting the room for interpretation.

Also: gifts are nice, but too many for no reason = a toss-up between uncomfortable and scary, at least for most people.


Oooh he knows...
What about him though?
Thanks for the feedback! Love the "equation" formats. Reminds me of the way I used to break down & draw out facts for my science course(s) and maybe other courses too. Lol .

Do the Inspo quotes count as gifts? Otherwise, I've only given him that one gift, and it was candy, which was cheap and was supposed to be a bit of a joke. I thought it was amusing.

Question: Why is it uncomfortable/scary for most? I love getting gifts, especially good surprises, even if the only reason is that they simply wanted to make me smile/laugh. I suppose I might find it strange if I didn't trust the person, but I believe I usually either trust someone (degree may vary) from the beginning or I don't, and it can be modified from there.

Good question, I haven't asked, so it's possible he is dating. He said he's still a bachelor. If he is dating someone, then why hasn't he said anything about it? Out of respect for the other individual, if I were dating, I would probably tell this new person so, and I might not even meet for coffee. If I did go out for coffee, I'd probably somehow make it clear that it was as friends, and I'd probably naturally mention the person I was dating from time to time.
 

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Question: Why is it uncomfortable/scary for most? I love getting gifts, especially good surprises, even if the only reason is that they simply wanted to make me smile/laugh. I suppose I might find it strange if I didn't trust the person, but I believe I usually either trust someone (degree may vary) from the beginning or I don't, and it can be modified from there.
Uncomfortable: gifts never come without the pressure of how to react; the added variable to that of course being the quality of the gift (although genuinely good gifts don't necessarily ease the process).
Scary: hm, kind of an 'embracing' effect to it (similar to stalking), especially when gifts come for no reason - which in addition could rouse a sense of discredit to the receiver, since the receiver may get the sense the giver expects them to give something in return (= a kind of forced inequality, created by just one of two parties).

That said, the personal touch to the gift is gold, what really gets to people. Shows deliberate effort, which is invaluable for a particular individual. And if that's one of your primary Love Languages, great.

Good question, I haven't asked, so it's possible he is dating. He said he's still a bachelor. If he is dating someone, then why hasn't he said anything about it? Out of respect for the other individual, if I were dating, I would probably tell this new person so, and I might not even meet for coffee. If I did go out for coffee, I'd probably somehow make it clear that it was as friends, and I'd probably naturally mention the person I was dating from time to time.
Yeah expected. And whatever is relevant in that domain, you will hear from him in due time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Uncomfortable: gifts never come without the pressure of how to react; the added variable to that of course being the quality of the gift (although genuinely good gifts don't necessarily ease the process).
Scary: hm, kind of an 'embracing' effect to it (similar to stalking), especially when gifts come for no reason - which in addition could rouse a sense of discredit to the receiver, since the receiver may get the sense the giver expects them to give something in return (= a kind of forced inequality, created by just one of two parties).

That said, the personal touch to the gift is gold, what really gets to people. Shows deliberate effort, which is invaluable for a particular individual. And if that's one of your primary Love Languages, great.


Yeah expected. And whatever is relevant in that domain, you will hear from him in due time.
@NipNip Thanks for the reply! Interesting, later I kind of wondered if maybe that's why he'd offered to treat me. I didn't want to be rude, so I accepted. I really wasn't expecting anything in return. I gave it freely, because I care and was able to do so. I have friends who also do that for me. I've received God's good gifts freely, and I love to give too. I would like that someone treat me because they care, not because they feel obligated/pressured. And, yes, I believe gifts is definitely one of my primary love languages. Even if the gift isn't what I expected, I can still be grateful for the thoughtfulness/effort or any other positives I find.
 

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1.5 weeks with no reply is ridiculous.

There might still be potential, but things haven't sparked for him yet. If or when the spark happens, he'll be replying to you ASAP, every day.
 

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Thank you for your reply!
He texted once a while back to let me know he appreciated the positive messages. He knew basically from the beginning that I'm, as he put it, "a person of faith." I think he also told me twice in the same message that he didn't want me to think he was ignoring me, just busy.

I'm curious: Why is that interesting to you?

What does "not giving up" look like to you?
I see. "A person of faith", such an INTP response, lmao.
I think it is interesting because I have not found many religious INTPs and the Bible is not a source I (personally) would find inspirational (although the old testament is something). It is completely okay if you both like it, of course. I prefer it over these inspirational quotes a friend used to collect from some questionable users on 4chan. Anyway.

Your last question is amazing; I have no freaking idea. I guess you could keep trying to improve your relation with him? (Unless it becomes too one-sided). Allow him to open up, share his interests, do whatever people call flirting; just don't give him so much space, because we (INTPs) will take it and the relationship will not advance.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I see. "A person of faith", such an INTP response, lmao.
I think it is interesting because I have not found many religious INTPs and the Bible is not a source I (personally) would find inspirational (although the old testament is something). It is completely okay if you both like it, of course. I prefer it over these inspirational quotes a friend used to collect from some questionable users on 4chan. Anyway.

Your last question is amazing; I have no freaking idea. I guess you could keep trying to improve your relation with him? (Unless it becomes too one-sided). Allow him to open up, share his interests, do whatever people call flirting; just don't give him so much space, because we (INTPs) will take it and the relationship will not advance.
@Nannerl How do you not give an INTP so much space, especially if the only time you see him is when he decides to meet in person?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
1.5 weeks with no reply is ridiculous.

There might still be potential, but things haven't sparked for him yet. If or when the spark happens, he'll be replying to you ASAP, every day.
@HAL What I don't get is why he would bring up meeting again, to keep in contact, and even at the beginning of our coffee meet he apologized and mentioned how next time we could meet closer to where I live (he apparently didn't realize how far I lived), and then not respond when I bring it up. Why not just say yes or no?
 

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@HAL What I don't get is why he would bring up meeting again, to keep in contact, and even at the beginning of our coffee meet he apologized and mentioned how next time we could meet closer to where I live (he apparently didn't realize how far I lived), and then not respond when I bring it up. Why not just say yes or no?
It's a real tough one to decipher.

It might be that he's just snowed under with his long work hours so hasn't had chance to even think about his connection with you.

I know I can get sidetracked when I have some work that I'm really enjoying getting stuck into. It hasn't happened for a while, but I have definitely neglected my social life when a personal project that has really gripped my mind.
 

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@Nannerl How do you not give an INTP so much space, especially if the only time you see him is when he decides to meet in person?
Chatting, but if he is not interested enough to reply, well... Really, just ask him. It's really normal for INTPs (or introverts in general?) to say they would like to meet again but don't. I need a huge amount of energy to go out, maybe the person pressuring me, even.
 

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Bachelor: code word for gay and in the closet.
You haven't got a chance.
 

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So we have this: He's busy and doesn't have time for you. You want something but you don't know what you want.
?

I mean, "he had to tell me if he was still dating" that is, if the man goes out on a date with 5, does he have to tell you? Why?

If you are already creating obligations before it is ANYTHING, it is clear. I hope he's not naive enough to get into this prison.

What does the professions have to do with ... whatever you want? If you don't understand the schedule from the beginning, know that it will not change after/if there would be anything between you.
 

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I see. "A person of faith", such an INTP response, lmao.
I think it is interesting because I have not found many religious INTPs and the Bible is not a source I (personally) would find inspirational (although the old testament is something). It is completely okay if you both like it, of course. I prefer it over these inspirational quotes a friend used to collect from some questionable users on 4chan. Anyway.
My husband is a religious INTP, and I'm not sure how well I'd respond to inspirational scripture texts as well. He tend to think deeply about aspects of his faith, and doesn't really care for the more shallow "bumper stickery" sentiments.
 

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I'm thinking overall, if he's not making the effort to message you as much:
1. Sometimes men, particularly Ti men don't respond if they don't have a response to something you've said.
2. It's possible he's not into you.
3. It's possible he is or is open to the possibility to being in a relationship with you, but he thinks you're not into him: you asking him to be friends might come as a clear sign to him that he's in the friendzone.
I guess try to probe him, feel him out more to see how interested he might be.
 
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