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Hello. I'm a new member. I'm would like some advice/insight on a situation that my friend is dealing with. This will be very long, so I apologize in advance.

To start off, my friend (we will call her Tera) is an ENFX; she scores between ENFP and ENFJ (being 50% P and 50% J). I've known her for about 2 years now. She's very emotional and she used to be more outgoing (she has adapted to her situation). Her husband (we will call him Jim) is an ISTP. Jim is a very laid-back guy. Tera and Jim have been married for almost a year, but have been together for about 3 years. Before Tera married him, she confided in me that she was having many doubts about marrying him (she married him in 2016). Her reason was because she doesn't connect with him as much as she'd like to. She told me the reasons, and I advised her not to marry him. I know that sounds awful, but her reasons are pretty clear. She is a lesbian who "fell for" a man (Jim). She got involved with him because she met him at work and she thought he was funny and nice. When Tera first met Jim, she was in a long-distance relationship with a woman (we will call her Ally; who is also an ENFP). Tera had been with Ally for almost a year, but Tera broke up with her because she was feeling religious guilt, the distance being too hard, and because she developed a crush on the guy (Jim; now her husband). Tera told Ally that her religious guilt never went away and that the distance was becoming too difficult for her. After Tera broke up with Ally, Ally decided it was best to not speak to Tera anymore, because she felt betrayed and that it was too difficult to continue speaking. Tera begged to remain friends with Ally, but Ally couldn't do it. They went their separate ways.

Two years later, Tera reached back out to Ally and apologized for the betrayal. They agreed to start chatting again, but only as friends. Almost immediately, Tera and Ally began reminiscing their past (Tera is the one who started the reminiscing). The flirting started out innocent; bringing up old memories and laughing about things they experienced while together. Tera then confided in Ally that she was having doubts about getting married to Jim. Ally did what I did and told Tera that she shouldn't marry him. This somewhat discouraged Tera and she assumed Ally's advice was somewhat biased because of unresolved feelings. Tera then confided in me again and told me that she wanted to be Ally's friend, but that it isn't a good idea to be her friend if Ally is going to tell her not to marry Jim. I told Tera that Ally's advice is correct, but that she may need to seek unbiased advice to be certain. I befriended and spoke to Ally myself, and I realized that Ally does still have feelings for Tera, but that her advice for Tera is mostly genuine and accurate. It's obvious that Ally still has unresolved feelings, but that her advice is not at all malicious. I told Ally that Tera is very stubborn and that pushing advice onto her is not a good idea because it makes her feel pressured. Ally understood and told Tera that she could repress her feelings. Tera got married to Jim a month later. I know I probably should have further urged Tera not to marry him, but she is extremely stubborn and does not like feeling any amount of pressure. So I gave gentle advice and told her that I support her regardless. Ally told Tera that she also supports her. Tera and Ally have been texting each other daily ever since Tera reached back out to her (they've been speaking again for over a year now).

Sometime earlier this year (a few months after they got married), Tera and Jim had unprotected sex. A few days later, Tera found out she was pregnant. She was shocked and nervous because they were trying to move to another state and because they don't make enough money to raise a child comfortably. When Jim found out, he wasn't very thrilled. He was mostly worried about expenses from what Tera told me. Every time she brought up the baby, he either ignored what she said, or he acted irritated. Tera confided in me again and said that her and Jim don't connect in bed. She does not feel comfortable performing certain sex acts with him. She prefers to be on top and absolutely refuses to be in a submissive position. Tera has a very high libido and likes to have sex every day. Jim's libido is average. Tera has gotten to the point of having to beg Jim for sex. When they finally have sex, Jim gets bored within the first few minutes (which is unusual for a guy, in my opinion). Tera also found out that, instead of having sex with her, Jim masturbates in the shower. I find this very odd. Don't men usually prefer intercourse over masturbation? I also found out that there is a bit of a power struggle between them. They both want to top, but Tera refuses to let him because she is dominant and she has severe PTSD from sexual abuse years prior. Jim has asked her to try submissive positions, but she is repulsed every single time they try.

I have noticed that Tera has began flirting with Ally again, to which Ally gives in. Ally is passive and connects well with Tera. However, the religious guilt Tera feels causes her to act in a very "double approach-avoidance" way. She will flirt with Ally, then pull away when things go too far. This has caused a lot of confusion for Ally, which I can understand. It's like Tera is treating Ally like a yo-yo, or as if Ally is the "cocaine" Tera cannot have. Tera finally opened up to me and admitted that after her and Ally broke up, she figured it was for the best. But Tera realized she couldn't get Ally out of her head (and was unable to get her out of her head for the 2 years they didn't speak). She also admitted that she still has romantic feelings for Ally and that her and Ally connect on every level. To me, this is unusual because Tera and Ally have never even met in person. But they talked on the phone daily and Skype'd frequently when they dated. She said she never thought she could fall for someone she's never been physically close to, but that she felt as if she had met her soulmate when her and Ally were together. As crazy as this sounds, I actually believe Tera and Ally are perfect for each other.

Jim knows that Ally has feelings for Tera, but I don't know if he knows about Tera's feelings for Ally. Jim agreed that he would be willing to try a threesome in the future with another woman as a one time thing. So Tera asked Jim if he would be ok with allowing Ally to move in with them and pursuing a polyamorous relationship. Jim declined this proposal and said he doesn't trust Ally as an addition. But I truly believe his male ego is the reason for him declining the idea, and that he knows his wife will prefer Ally over him.

Tera confided in me again and told me she feels as if her husband doesn't like her sometimes. He plays video games from the time he gets home, till the time he goes to bed. He plays video games for about 4-5 hours each day on weekdays and 6+ hours on the weekends. He barely helps around the house and Tera has to constantly nag him about helping around the house. Tera recently gave birth to their child a few months ago. While Jim works a lot, he barely helps with the baby or with chores. Tera has to beg him and nag him to help clean the house while she does homework (Tera is currently pursuing a degree). Even though they just had a child together, Jim still plays video games constantly. I don't understand it. A lot of people have told me that he's just a typical ISTP. But when you love someone, aren't you supposed to feel motivated to help them (especially if you have a child with that person)? Even though Tera is a lesbian, she seems to want her marriage with Jim to work. While I don't think she is truly in love with Jim, I believe she loves him enough to have a relationship with him. But he does not communicate well and he is not giving Tera what she needs in the relationship. He is a very nice guy and he provides for his family by working. But he does not help around the house, he does not spend a lot of time with his wife, and he doesn't have his priorities in order.

So, my questions are... Is there anything my friend can do to save her marriage? Does anyone have an idea on why Jim is so addicted to his video games even though he has a newborn and a wife who needs his help? Are there any ISTPs who can give me some insight on what is possibly going on with Jim? Are there any ENFP/ENFJ's who can tell me why Tera continues to work on a marriage with little help? Thanks. :)
 

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Wow, that's quite a mess. While Tera is certainly not innocent in all of this, Jim seems to have some major issues going on. As a husband, and even more so as a father, certain sacrifices have to be made. Whether it was intentional or not, they had a baby, and are responsible for it. (They shouldn't have had unprotected sex if they weren't ready to have a child imho).

Also, they made a commitment to each other, and it takes both parties to make a marriage work. I'd say they need to go to marriage counseling ASAP. And they are both going to have to open up to each other fully for the marriage to become healthy. Jim is an ISTP, and I know that emotions are often uncomfortable, but tough. He has a responsibility to his wife, and he needs to be emotionally available. If he needs counseling about this, fine, but he has to be willing to do his best to improve.

And Tera cannot allow herself to get distracted by Ally—she's in too deep now that she's a mother, and she needs to work on her marriage.

People may say that she should stay true to her sexuality and go with Ally, but she already made the decision to marry Jim, and had a baby with him. It sounds to me like she put herself in this situation without being fully emotionally ready for marriage. But it's too late now, unless she wants to break her marital vows, which I find utterly deplorable.

And no matter what a person's sexuality is, cheating is cheating, and it is always wrong, with a member of the same sex or the opposite sex.

Also, if she's having PTSD issues from sexual abuse, she needs to be getting counseling for that.

I don't think anyone should become a parent unless they are emotionally stable in a healthy marriage. Otherwise, it's not fair to birth a child into that chaos.

She is just going to have a difficult life for a while, as that's a consequence of some of the seemingly rash decisions she has made. It's tough and it sucks, but in the end, she brought it on herself (she was warned by people who cared about her, and she didn't listen).

Marriage counseling, prayers, and lots of compromising are the only things I can think of that can possibly save this marriage.

Granted, this is all just my opinion based on what I've read, but it still stands to reason that they need professional help.
 

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Wow, that's quite a mess. While Tera is certainly not innocent in all of this, Jim seems to have some major issues going on. As a husband, and even more so as a father, certain sacrifices have to be made. Whether it was intentional or not, they had a baby, and are responsible for it. (They shouldn't have had unprotected sex if they weren't ready to have a child imho).

Also, they made a commitment to each other, and it takes both parties to make a marriage work. I'd say they need to go to marriage counseling ASAP. And they are both going to have to open up to each other fully for the marriage to become healthy. Jim is an ISTP, and I know that emotions are often uncomfortable, but tough. He has a responsibility to his wife, and he needs to be emotionally available. If he needs counseling about this, fine, but he has to be willing to do his best to improve.

And Tera cannot allow herself to get distracted by Ally—she's in too deep now that she's a mother, and she needs to work on her marriage.

People may say that she should stay true to her sexuality and go with Ally, but she already made the decision to marry Jim, and had a baby with him. It sounds to me like she put herself in this situation without being fully emotionally ready for marriage. But it's too late now, unless she wants to break her marital vows, which I find utterly deplorable.

And no matter what a person's sexuality is, cheating is cheating, and it is always wrong, with a member of the same sex or the opposite sex.

Also, if she's having PTSD issues from sexual abuse, she needs to be getting counseling for that.

I don't think anyone should become a parent unless they are emotionally stable in a healthy marriage. Otherwise, it's not fair to birth a child into that chaos.

She is just going to have a difficult life for a while, as that's a consequence of some of the seemingly rash decisions she has made. It's tough and it sucks, but in the end, she brought it on herself (she was warned by people who cared about her, and she didn't listen).

Marriage counseling, prayers, and lots of compromising are the only things I can think of that can possibly save this marriage.

Granted, this is all just my opinion based on what I've read, but it still stands to reason that they need professional help.
Thanks for the response.

I advised marriage counseling, too. But they don't have their own health insurance, except for their baby. Jim's job doesn't offer decent benefits, unfortunately. It worries me because they were having issues before marriage. A couple of months before they got married, Tera confided in me that she felt depressed because she couldn't connect to Jim the way she wants to. She frequently told Jim about her doubts towards marrying him. He tried to reassure her, but eventually said he didn't know what else to do or say to convince her that they should get married. She told me she felt guilty because she didn't want to hurt him. So, a part of me thinks she married him because she didn't want to disappoint him. I definitely believe she cares about him. But I don't think this is the kind of love a couple requires.

I know she made a commitment. But I also think it's unfair for the both of them to stay in an unfulfilling marriage. Aside from religious beliefs, can't it be understood that mentally damaged people make mistakes?

I think Jim was convinced that Tera's PTSD was the problem, and that she couldn't submit sexually because of it. But not only does she have PTSD from sexual abuse, she also has no desire to be submissive. So, even if the PTSD wasn't an issue, she still wouldn't want to submit in bed because it isn't appealing to her at all. I think Jim was just convinced that she was this damaged girl who needed a nice, patient man who could eventually gain her trust enough to get her to submit in bed. Well, it's been almost 3 years, and she still won't submit. I think that's why he's distant and wants sex less; because he now realizes he didn't just marry a damaged woman, but a dominant lesbian. And I guess he realizes he made a commitment and is trying to stick to it. Which is probably why he's working more hours... so he doesn't go crazy being around someone he doesn't connect with; especially since Tera is constantly nagging him to help with chores and the baby. Ugh, this is so stressful and I feel like I can't provide any meaningful advice.
 

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Jim is a tool.

Tera is a hot mess.

Poor Ally. No, there is nothing Ally can do unless Tera is also providing her part with 110% effort because it IS her life and marriage. If Tera wants to do something about it, it's her job in the first place.
 

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Jim is a tool.

Tera is a hot mess.

Poor Ally. No, there is nothing Ally can do unless Tera is also providing her part with 110% effort because it IS her life and marriage. If Tera wants to do something about it, it's her job in the first place.
I don't think there's anything Ally can do, either. I just hope Tera realizes what she's doing and figures out how to fix it. I think their only hope is marriage counseling.
 
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