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Discussion Starter #1
I'm recovering from an incredibly bad, suicidal spell of depression. While with my ex (an unhealthy 6w5) I suffered from daily fits of rage, spontaneous urges to hurt myself, and insane jealousy.

We ended it and I mellowed out to a state of lackadaisical ineffectualness, with a vague idea of ending it all but no immediate plans (and quite frankly, a lack motivation to try).

Now with my current boyfriend (a 3w4), I've done away with suicidal thoughts and have even gone off my antidepressants. He's pushing me to find a job and start creative projects with him, which is just awesome, but I still can't seem to find the motivation to start. Additionally, when I'm by myself I find my mind trailing back into old obsessive jealousy habits (Related to my ex, who I don't even have feelings for anymore! What's wrong with you, brain?!). I know I'm on the brink of moving myself into "average" health territory, but I don't know how to push past these blockades.
 

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I can't tell you how to do it but I can tell you how I'm doing it. Lots of journal writing, and creative expression- in other words, finding a way to process my emotions and externalize them.

I totally, totally know what you mean about trailing back to obsessive habits about an ex. I did this so much for so long, and it still pops up from time to time. The only way I've found to deal with it is transform these thoughts and feelings into something else- My favorite mode is to fictionalize it. The tweaks and alterations I make in character, situation, place, etc allow me to detach from everything just enough so that I can step back and feel a little less overwhelmed. Also, having an end product come from all the crappy pain and turmoil feels good. (At other times visual art, music, and poetry have worked better for me.)

Of course your current e3 boyfriend is encouraging you to get out there, lol. I know how it is because I'm married to one of those. All I've got to say is, while it's sweet of him to try and help you in that way, ultimately it has to come from you, and it's not a good idea to push past your feelings to the extent that a 3 would, you'll likely get to an extremely stressful place again which is no good. We aren't wired the way 3s seem to be.

Try to be patient and kind to yourself in the process. It takes a long time to move past severe depression. I'm talking years.

Best of luck.
 

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Hi @CrudeAsAButton,

I'm also a 4w5 dating a 3w4. If I don't have an exciting long-term (My personal choice is a goal about 2-4 years away: big picture, but not so far away that I can't get excited about it actualizing soonish.) goal that I can visualize, it doesn't matter how supportive or encouraging my boyfriend is about me doing stuff, I'll be scattered in terms of what actions I should take next and instead do little of anything. In these times, I can get moody and take some empty, compulsive actions like Facebook stalking and whatever else, which just end up making me feel worse :frustrating:. If I have a goal though, my SO is at times baffled at the amount of drive and passion I have, because it can eclipse his. Small actions are more exciting because I can see how they line up with and build to my large, exciting goal!

An Example: A couple months before starting my graduate program, I wasn't sure how I was going to set my approach to my program. I spent a considerable amount of time loosely (up for some adjustment as I learn more, of course--perceiver decision-making!) choosing a future career that I think would fit me well and that I'm excited about, and I set that as my goal. I knew that doing this would create purpose in many more of the tasks I do in graduate school. I can, in my mind, take a potential action and line it up with my goal and ask if it'll help get me there. If I think it will, I'm going to be a rockstar doing that, and I'll be much more engaged and energetic about it. If it's not, then I have a better pre-emptive idea of whether or not to take a different action.

Like @sodden said, I think it's about building up your internal drive--finding what intrinsically motivates you to do and/or create. What's something you want to do or achieve that you can visualize and build little actions towards getting there? Even doing the research behind something I'm interested in can help me feel better and start me thinking about applying different concepts to the world right around me. Yep, so I'd suggest journaling (maybe even finding a mentor of some sort or a good ideas person to chat with regularly) and reading, too.
 

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Discussion Starter #4 (Edited)
The more I think about it, the more I realize it's the 9 in my tritype holding me back (I'm a very 9ish 4). Now that I've conquered my 4 hysterics, I need to conquer the 9 in me that is prone to inaction for fear of failure or rejection (as I've experienced a lot in the past). I noticed your tritype is the same as mine and wonder if you've found yourself held back by the 9 in you this way.

As for fictionalizing the hard times of my past, you're absolutely right. I know that would bring me peace. Creating characters with tangible depth is important to me, and his insanity which challenged (if not surpassed) mine would make for a great film. I only wonder what my current 3 boyfriend would think of that. I came up with a character based on his ex, and he was less than thrilled. She would have been a great character, though.

BTW, am I replying to you specifically, or do I need to add @sodden?
 

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@ALittleSalt,

I know what you mean about empty, compulsive actions. I have been there time and time again! Had to delete my Facebook, I'm just well enough for it (It's funny how people consider this pretentious when I genuinely did it for the sake of my own sanity). I feel like that's basically where I am now. Stuck in a cycle of meaningless actions to pass the time. I like the idea of having a goal I can get excited about, but my fear of failure and self-defeating attitude are preventing me from getting there. I think that's what I really need to conquer.
 

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I have on my profile that I am a 4w3 but I think I'm equally a 4w5, I tend not not to be as dark 4w5, so I haven't wrestled much if at all with suicidal thoughts. But I know feeling and wanting so much and the demoralizing and utter frustration of not finding the motivation to get even remotely started on any of my dreams and goals. It's great that your boyfriend encourages you. I have a hard time with feeling like no one takes a real interest in my work. Sometimes I think how much better I could be if I had a personal cheer leader to cheer me along...

I don't know about you but I often get very selfconscious when most people try to encourage me and even shut down a bit. Then I realized it's the way people try to “motivate” me. They will say thing like “but you're such a talented artist – you should be making a living off your talents!”. I think people mean it as a complement but it always makes me feel like a fuck up. I can get very caught up in feeling like no one understands which gets me more discouraged. I remember a few weeks ago I tried to open up photoshop and try to paint something – ANYTHING! But I couldn't seem to make a single stroke that felt right, which lead to a whole spiraling out of negative, self defeating thoughts, and pretty much a panic attack. Try explaining to other people that trying to paint something gave me a panic attack. Could I sound more dramatic? And then people just throw my talent and ability in my face for why I should be more successful. I'm glad your boyfriend is trying to encourage you to do more and be more creative, but have you considered that the way he is encouraging you is adding too much pressure? I now realize when people try to help and encourage me it can cause me to shut down further if they are not approaching me from my level? Ask yourself, even if he means well and the best, is he coming from your level? Because that might be what's detracting from your motivation.

Other than that, my advise is to just find a way to channel your intense feelings. A journal helps tremendously for me, and I have been able to dump a lot into these forums in the last few weeks. I moved away not that long ago for a lot of reasons, but one was to try and sort though my tangled emotions. Once I removed myself from a lot of the toxic situations I was in and realized, yes a lot of the problems were from that, but some of it is just me. For years I had thought that I had an anxiety disorder but most people just dismissed it as all the understandable stress I was going through with other things. I'm under a lot less stress now and still find out of no where getting seized up with anxiety and suffering panic attacks over stupid little things while just shutting down over bigger more important concerns. I'm finally in a place where I can afford therapy and once I come back from my vacation in a week, I'm really going to look into it. I'm a firm believer that you have to get your feeling out one way or another. If they stay inside you they will only fester. @sodden brings up a good point. I do something very similar. I'm constantly writing this fictionalized story of my life in my head. It's based off of my own life, and many, many events are just straight up lifted out from the pages of my real life, but the difference is I get to frame it a way that's very therapeutic to myself. I'm working myself up to writing a semi-auto biographical comic about myself, I'm still trying to figure out where and how I want to it to end, but I feel closer than ever to getting that accomplished.

I think easily the hardest things to grapple when your as a 4 is all your intense feelings. I often wish there was just some trick I could learn to make it more manageable, sometimes you really just need to ride out the storm. In those times when it seems like it won't stop raining try to remind yourself how far you have come. You left your abusive ex. You're in a better relationship. You are strong enough to come off your meds. You have already accomplished so much, and you're just getting started ;)
 

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I think easily the hardest things to grapple when your as a 4 is all your intense feelings. I often wish there was just some trick I could learn to make it more manageable, sometimes you really just need to ride out the storm. In those times when it seems like it won't stop raining try to remind yourself how far you have come. You left your abusive ex. You're in a better relationship. You are strong enough to come off your meds. You have already accomplished so much, and you're just getting started ;)
Chiming in as a 5w4 -- one thing that has helped me (and *may* help you) is to keep before yourself, the realization that *feelings are NOT reality* -- they are are reaction to the past, or a coping mechanism or warning out the present, or are an anticipation or apprehension of the future: but they themselves are not reality. One of the most powerful things is a line I came across in C.S. Lewis's book The Screwtape Letters:

[God] wants men to be concerned with what they do; our business is to keep them thinking about what will happen to them.

Meaning, that if you are spending your time staring in shock or horror about something you are worried about,
or if you are spending your time mooning over happy fantasies of "what it is *going* to be like" (someday, sigh)
or if you spend your time busily arranging and rearranging items on your to-do list (instead of buckling down and DOING them)

then when you look up, you seem to see all kinds of other people passing you.

And then the resultant temptation is to double down on the 4 uselessness and jealousy, internalizing it as *proof* of how bad you really are; when in fact, all it means (in reality) is that you fell behind because of certain very ordinary and mundane and everyday
actions, which you easily *could* have done...but you were too busy dwelling on emotions instead.

Best wishes from a 5w4 INTJ armoured unit...
 

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And then the resultant temptation is to double down on the 4 uselessness and jealousy, internalizing it as *proof* of how bad you really are; when in fact, all it means (in reality) is that you fell behind because of certain very ordinary and mundane and everyday
actions, which you easily *could* have done...but you were too busy dwelling on emotions instead.
Ow. That's really accurate.

It's like doing those mundane actions is...extraordinarily painful. I can't figure out why. It's like they don't turn me on enough. I feel very selfish. Feelings are not reality, but they do feel more real than actual reality, because they are the only thing I experience. I mean--when I interact with anything, what I experience is how I feel about it, right? So my feelings are more true to me than objective reality.

I don't know if I'm making sense. How do you make yourself do those things in the moment? How do you deal with this realization?
 

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I'm recovering from an incredibly bad, suicidal spell of depression. While with my ex (an unhealthy 6w5) I suffered from daily fits of rage, spontaneous urges to hurt myself, and insane jealousy.

We ended it and I mellowed out to a state of lackadaisical ineffectualness, with a vague idea of ending it all but no immediate plans (and quite frankly, a lack motivation to try).

Now with my current boyfriend (a 3w4), I've done away with suicidal thoughts and have even gone off my antidepressants. He's pushing me to find a job and start creative projects with him, which is just awesome, but I still can't seem to find the motivation to start. Additionally, when I'm by myself I find my mind trailing back into old obsessive jealousy habits (Related to my ex, who I don't even have feelings for anymore! What's wrong with you, brain?!). I know I'm on the brink of moving myself into "average" health territory, but I don't know how to push past these blockades.
Its different for every one. But I write a lot of rambling stupidity on my books, laptop whatever to get out of those bad thinking pattern. Do that. Just let out anything in your mind, whatever you feel insane, dark, morbid thoughts put it on paper, put it all out until you are satisfied. Or talk to yourself. Be careful, be completely sure you are alone. Just scream every stupid thought that comes in mind and let it flow like air, no need for it to be linear or coherent, just say anything and every thing. Sing your lungs out, scream, cry like a bitch. Masturbate if you're up with it. Watch really dark disgusting movies. Imagine the most horrible scenario you could think of about your ex or anything, your deepest desire and your unresolved feeling issues. You'll find your self slowly purified from it. That's my method at least, haha. Not for every one. Good luck.
 

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Yeah, people might find it odd but it helps me withhold inappropriate anger, lashing on others, and get through the day. I prefer to do that than to hurt another person...Sometimes I think I should change but I think hurting others is a far worse sin than watching disgusting movies.
 

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When my ex started dating a girl in the same creative field as me, I can tell you that lit a fire under my ass something fierce. The jealousy I felt exacerbated a need to prove myself, and the result was six days straight of productivity. Probably not the healthiest way to motivate, but it was a way nonetheless. You might try using your own obsessive passionate nature to your advantage in a similar way if only to jumpstart a break in routine.
 

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I understand your struggle because I've been through the same kind of episodes multiple times. I think creative expression is definitely a good helpful step through recovery, but also I think finding your true identity and purpose in life is important too. Once you have that reason, and that goal to fight for and live for, suicidal thoughts are a lot harder to give into because you're aware you are going to lose something if you go through with it.
 

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When my ex started dating a girl in the same creative field as me, I can tell you that lit a fire under my ass something fierce. The jealousy I felt exacerbated a need to prove myself, and the result was six days straight of productivity. Probably not the healthiest way to motivate, but it was a way nonetheless. You might try using your own obsessive passionate nature to your advantage in a similar way if only to jumpstart a break in routine.
jw what creative field are you in?
 
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