[skitcher]

hi

basically, I'm an ENFP and I just moved country to go to University. So I'm away from all my old friends and family and I'm having a total blast. Before it I got talkin to a lot of people in my college, and one o them I got to take the myers/briggs test to see what he got, and he got INTJ.

I know that ENFP/INTJs are meant to be natural matches, but I'm also aware that there's more to people than their personality, so I decided not to place too much emphasis on it. Even so, since arriving about 3 or 4 days agoI've been hanging out with him and a group or his friends, as pretty much the only girl, and I'm finding myself really attracted to him. He's studying philosophy, and I really admire his intelligence and self confidence, as well as his sense of humour. And he's almost definitely flirting with me too. The thing is, he's not going any further than flirting, and if I do try to bring things to another level, he has a tendency to walk away.

For instance, earlier tonight I stole the hat that he was wearing. So he took the hand that wasn't holding it and started kissing all along it, and took the hat whilst I was distracted. Very smooth. Thing is, even though it was obviously flirtateous, when I later kissed him on the cheek he kind o backed away. We had a few similar occurences, until my feeler side got the better of me and I ended up in tears, because I felt like he was leading me on in a lot of ways and its very confusing. I know it's not that simple so I didn't go and pull him up for it, because there's proboably other stuff that I don't know. Thing is, he came over at one point whilst I was describin the situation to another friend, saw how upset I was, and completely ignored it, asking where some of our mutual friends had gone.

It's difficult not to take personally, though I realise I shouldn't; I had a kind of relationship with an INTJ last year, and it followed about 2 months of alternating heavy flirting with completely ignoring. I also realise that INTJs often aren't very good at the empathy side of things anyway. So I do understand why he's acting the way he is. What I need advice on is what I should do next.

I am aware that I've only known him a few days and I could have developed feelings much faster than he's ready for. I don't want to be too up front, make the first move and scare him off, but simultaneously I don't want to become totally passive waiting for him to take action and end up being put in the friend zone, or have him fall for someone else. I realise that he might like me and it may just take a few weeks for him to act on that. Or he might not like me and is just flirtateous with out meaning to be, although to be honest I really don't see how he could be that oblivious.

Any advice?

 

[perennialurker]

I SERIOUSLY question the hypothesis that he is an INTJ. Whatever he is, I don't think in this case you need to worry about scaring him off. I would recommend for YOU to be careful. I doubt you can hurt things with him at this point; he either likes you or he doesn't and he's just playing around. Sorry, but this does not sound like typical INTJ behavior.

 

[Thrifty Walrus]

I SERIOUSLY question the hypothesis that he is an INTJ. Whatever he is, I don't think in this case you need to worry about scaring him off. I would recommend for YOU to be careful. I doubt you can hurt things with him at this point; he either likes you or he doesn't and he's just playing around. Sorry, but this does not sound like typical INTJ behavior.

I agree. Kissing you up the arm? Maybe he's a mistyped ENTJ, E and I are very easy to get mixed up because it is hard to understand it doesn't mean shy vs. not shy.

 

[VerySimple]

I agree. Kissing you up the arm? Maybe he's a mistyped ENTJ, E and I are very easy to get mixed up because it is hard to understand it doesn't mean shy vs. not shy.

Kissing in the arm doesn't mean he's an ENTJ. There are a bunch of INTJs that could easily show their confidence in extroverted ways like public speaking, debates, socializing, etc. but the difference between an ENTJ and INTJ is that we like to do introverted things rather than involving ourselves with people, and many people would mislabel us as "ENTJs" because the way communicate with people.

 

[VerySimple]

As an INTJ, just keep talking to him everyday and don't try to ignore him bc if you talk to him it shows that your interested in him and yet it doesn't make you look too agressive on him. Reading this kinda reminds me of my own situation right now bc when i ignore this one guy he wasn't interested me the next day until i talked to him again. If you have problems with him just be direct with him bc it's hard for us INTJs to understand how ppl feel. Maybe he thinks your leading him on and thats why he acts like he doesnt care. He's probably doing this so you won't see his vunerable spot. Hope this helps.

 

[perennialurker]

I agree that we do not have enough info to discern his type through that paragraph, however from my experience as a male INTJ and from my interactions and observation of many male INTJs in the past I am left to conclude that the behavior mentioned above is highly unusual for an INTJ and that is why skitcher should exercise caution. Either he is an extremely unusual (and dangerously socially confident/adept) INTJ or he is not an INTJ at all.

 

[perennialurker]

As an INTJ, just keep talking to him everyday and don't try to ignore him bc if you talk to him it shows that your interested in him and yet it doesn't make you look too agressive on him. Reading this kinda reminds me of my own situation right now bc when i ignore this one guy he wasn't interested me the next day until i talked to him again. If you have problems with him just be direct with him bc it's hard for us INTJs to understand how ppl feel. Maybe he thinks your leading him on and thats why he acts like he doesnt care. He's probably doing this so you won't see his vunerable spot. Hope this helps.

I second this.

 

[Filo]

FYI: the biggest womanizer I've ever met was INTP. I totally don't think INTJs would be shy about it. INTJ is about requiring me-time to recharge. I can be the live of a party - an have been - but it drains me completely.

Still, this doesn't strike me as an INTJ thing to do. Especially the hat thing. Plus, the social angle usually doesn't evolve in an INTJ until mid-twenties earliest.

Apart from the type thing, if you want to pursue this, realize you have about as much to say in it as a dog has to its master. He apparently can manipulate you at will.

 

[InvisibleJim]

I'm going to disagree with curmudgeons above and tell you this is surprisingly typical INTJ behaviour.

My advice is simple: watch out. You are getting confused because he doesn't understand the social requirements and things you expect. You are going to have to discuss what you want and need explicitly with him and we are terrible at stating our needs and wants because we like to think we don't have any.

Also despite his rough(er) exterior he is surprisingly emotionally delicate but we don't show it we internalise it; he won't state his needs like you do, he might not even admit he has them because we tend to view non independence with disdain.

I think that's all the things an ENFP needs to know about INTJs in this situation.

 

[skitcher]

to be honest, in his own way I think he's shy. He gets a bit more open when drinking alcohol, and we're in our freshers so there's quite a lot of that, usually he's more subtle though. A lot of it is just looks and verbal sparring. He acts a LOT like my INTJ ex did before we started going. Thing is though, having slept on it a bit I'd already figuired that it's best just to see how things unfold and keep talking to him, without getting too worked up with it. I do realise that he's going to hide a lot about how he feels, it's just that sometimesI get a bit paranoid A lot of the suggestions have been really helpfull though. They're basically what I'd already worked out after a bit of sleep, but I'm glad to see them seconded I am almost certain he is INTJ, the hand thing is proboably a bad example but he is usually fairly reserved. I figuire I'm proboably just expecting things to move too fast and could definitelly benifit from giving it time and just seeing how things unfold. Thanks a lot though, reading all this has been really useful

 

[Biracial]

He's playing games.

 

[InvisibleJim]

I figuire I'm proboably just expecting things to move too fast and could definitelly benifit from giving it time and just seeing how things unfold.

Or you could be direct, talk about it and not expect crystal balls and water divining rods to solve your problems.

 

[skitcher]

Or you could be direct, talk about it and not expect crystal balls and water divining rods to solve your problems.

Riiiiiiight. yeah. Next I was planning on praying and maybe trying a love spell that I googled. I'm not a fucking idiot. I just don't see the point in rushing something with someone who I met four days ago.

I mean, sure, i it keeps going then I'll definitelly say something. But it's just freshers week, everythings a bit crazy right now. And in my personal experience, just going up to someone at this early stage and confronting them in this way has been usefull to me a grand total of....oh, zero times. Trust me. I'm not someone who likes giving up to fate. But at this time I really don't think that pushing is going to help. Thanks though.

 

[Donovan]

Riiiiiiight. yeah. Next I was planning on praying and maybe trying a love spell that I googled. I'm not a fucking idiot. I just don't see the point in rushing something with someone who I met four days ago.

I mean, sure, i it keeps going then I'll definitelly say something. But it's just freshers week, everythings a bit crazy right now. And in my personal experience, just going up to someone at this early stage and confronting them in this way has been usefull to me a grand total of....oh, zero times. Trust me. I'm not someone who likes giving up to fate. But at this time I really don't think that pushing is going to help. Thanks though.

i'd say this is a healthy approach to it, mainly because i can't see a major problem coming about ( i mean, the worst that can happen: one of you loose interest in the other), and also because it is something you have come up with on your own; something you are comfortable with. just play by ear and do what feels natural. if that means you and him get into a fight and are no longer on speaking terms... well, there are other guys out there. good luck you .

 

[InvisibleJim]

Riiiiiiight. yeah. Next I was planning on praying and maybe trying a love spell that I googled. I'm not a fucking idiot. I just don't see the point in rushing something with someone who I met four days ago.

to be honest, in his own way I think he's shy. He gets a bit more open when drinking alcohol, and we're in our freshers so there's quite a lot of that, usually he's more subtle though. A lot of it is just looks and verbal sparring. He acts a LOT like my INTJ ex did before we started going. Thing is though, having slept on it a bit I'd already figuired that it's best just to see how things unfold and keep talking to him, without getting too worked up with it. I do realise that he's going to hide a lot about how he feels, it's just that sometimesI get a bit paranoid A lot of the suggestions have been really helpfull though. They're basically what I'd already worked out after a bit of sleep, but I'm glad to see them seconded I am almost certain he is INTJ, the hand thing is proboably a bad example but he is usually fairly reserved. I figuire I'm proboably just expecting things to move too fast and could definitelly benifit from giving it time and just seeing how things unfold. Thanks a lot though, reading all this has been really useful

Or you could be direct, talk about it and not expect crystal balls and water divining rods to solve your problems.

I didn't call you an idiot, I did point out you are making a lot of assumptions in a short space of time. Most people do the same therefore you are no more idiotic than anyone else, take the hint and communicate more, not less.

 

[skitcher]

yeah, but talk o crystal balls etc. is something which I would relate pretty closely to idoicy. And I am freakishly good at guessing people's type. I do apologise for being a bit bitchy though, I get like that sometimes. I'm only like 4.5 hours sleep in the past two days atm soz...

Anyway, I did actually decide to talk to him tonight because I felt that, actually, yeah it was worth asking him about. So I just asked, in private, if he genuinely was interested in me or if he was just playing about. And the short and short of it is, basically, that in other circumstances he definitelly would, but he's not really interested in getting together with anyone right now because 1) he just finished with someone last week because he was moving here and he doesn't feel ready for another relationship; 2) he wants to concentrate on his degree, and he knows that when it came down to it, it'd have to come first, and he thinks I deserve better. Also, 3) he says he's hurt girls in the past and he doesn't want me to be another one, so it;s better for both of us if we just stay friends. I was pretty gutted and did explain to him that I'm really not clingy (I make a consious effort not to be) and am totally fine when he needs space and whatever but he didn't go for it. It's fine though. I'm glad I got it out the way. Unfortunately haven't had a chance to assure him that it's genuinely alright and I'm happy to be friends, so I'm going to drop him a note tomorrow. I do feel a lot better now. So thanks everyone xxx

 

[Hemoglobin]

yeah, but talk o crystal balls etc. is something which I would relate pretty closely to idoicy. And I am freakishly good at guessing people's type. I do apologise for being a bit bitchy though, I get like that sometimes. I'm only like 4.5 hours sleep in the past two days atm soz...

The equivalent of drunk posting :happy:

2) he wants to concentrate on his degree.

Practical INTJ is practical.

Also, 3) he says he's hurt girls in the past and he doesn't want me to be another one, so it;s better for both of us if we just stay friends. I was pretty gutted and did explain to him that I'm really not clingy (I make a consious effort not to be) and am totally fine when he needs space and whatever but he didn't go for it. It's fine though. I'm glad I got it out the way. Unfortunately haven't had a chance to assure him that it's genuinely alright and I'm happy to be friends, so I'm going to drop him a note tomorrow. I do feel a lot better now. So thanks everyone xxx

ENFPs and INTJs have a very different sense of what is and isn't clingy.

I am sorry it didn't work out the way you hoped. But I don't think the note is really necessary. He will more than likely take at face value that you are happy to be friends.

 

[skitcher]

yeah I decided against it having woke up. It'll probs be fine. Haven't seen him yet, but I'm sure it'll work out. Thanks for everyone's help anyways