[NRGY]

If you were interested in someone and then felt differently would you let the other person know or stop corresponding all together?

I met an INTJ online while he was working overseas. The communication was a bit spotty and I could never tell if he liked me or not. After reading up on INTJ's I was prepared to still not know where I stood after the weekend but he was completely different in person. He was in town for a week and after meeting him spent the next 3 nights seeing each other. Things seemed great.

He was really affectionate, he told me he liked me, that he'd miss me and wanted me to fly out and see him. After he left I told him something important about me that could be a deal breaker. Since it seemed that things were progressing fast I did not want to get too involved if it would be a problem. I did hear from him a couple days later but his tone was different, no sweet endearments anymore. I then sent a email stating I felt in limbo and was taking cues from him as how to act. I did not want to pressure him and it was okay if he was undecided about continuing but I still felt strongly for him. That when he decided could he let me know. I also said that I hoped if he did feel different that we could still be friends because I would always like him but know the limitations.

Of course now I regret the email although I felt it best to be honest and see what happened. Especially since he picked up on my confusion that things were moving fast and I was not totally comfortable with how much I liked him when we met. He has not responded for 3 days. I wish I knew for sure if he was not interested or still trying to decide what to do. He did tell me if faced with something he has not experienced before he has to think about it before making a decision.

So I am giving him space. Any suggestions for what to do now? I wish I could just say it's over and move on but the days spent with him were awesome and I can't stop myself from hoping he still feels the same. Although I would think that if he was still interested I would have heard something if only a general email.

 

[InvisibleJim]

3 Days may be a very short time for an important decision. Perhaps you should wait for a week then send a email detailing how you feel etc.? If you are shocked by the INTJ tendancy to vanish and then re-appear; good luck!

 

[NRGY]

Thank you. I know it is early still. I am hoping that he will respond eventually and not just disappear.

 

[Manipulater]

Being upfront and honest with him was a good choice as INTJ's hate being kept in the dark. (or is that just me?)
If it was an instant deal breaker you would probably know by now. Chances are he's just coming to a decision. The lack of endearments could be from outside stress or mood at the time or from being undecided about continuing.

 

[Peter]

What you communicated was: "I DON"T KNOW WHAT I WANT"

I'm using capitals because your post is literally screaming that message.

This for example:

I did not want to pressure him and it was okay if he was undecided about continuing but I still felt strongly for him.

together with this:

I also said that I hoped if he did feel different that we could still be friends because I would always like him but know the limitations.

You feel for him but you want to be friends only? You go back and forth between "I want you" and "well maybe not enough".

Make a decision!!! You either want or you don't. If you´re not sure, it means you don't. If this INTJ is anything like me then the main thing he wants from you is to be sure of yourself. People that don't know what they want are a turnoff.

 

[NRGY]

I thought I was clear in my message I sent that I wanted to continue with a romantic relationship but I also said if that was not what he wanted then I would like to be friends. So I guess the better option was if I can't have you then I don't want to be friends?

My original intent with the email was to be very clear that I liked him very much and was 100% into him. I thought it best to not fully commit to the possibility of a relationship until he knew the possible deal breaker. Once he contacted me after hearing that then I was honest with my feelings.

I do appreciate the responses.

 

[Peter]

I thought I was clear in my message I sent that I wanted to continue with a romantic relationship but I also said if that was not what he wanted then I would like to be friends. So I guess the better option was if I can't have you then I don't want to be friends?

No, just leave it out. Focus on the positive and don't throw all the possible options out there. Why would you do that? Why on earth would you want to confuse people with all your doubts? Just tell what you want and leave all possible other outcomes out. You may have them in your mind and even have solutions prepared for yourself in case it doesn't work out the way you hoped for, but don't confuse people with all those thoughts. (You can do that later when there is a stable relationship.)

 

[Isis]

No, just leave it out. Focus on the positive and don't throw all the possible options out there. Why would you do that? Why on earth would you want to confuse people with all your doubts? Just tell what you want and leave all possible other outcomes out. You may have them in your mind and even have solutions prepared for yourself in case it doesn't work out the way you hoped for, but don't confuse people with all those thoughts. (You can do that later when there is a stable relationship.)

I think that NRGY may be facing an incompatible type of emotional intimacy demand here. If I understand correctly, then being able to voice your doubts and be reassured is an important part of intimate relating. That sort of "I love you, especially because of your faults." Clearly not an INTJ thing, though.

NRGY, you may want to take a step back and think about what you really want and need from a long-term soul-sustaining relationship.

If you don't like too much distance or very analytical decision-making or long periods of silence without reassurance, the INTJ may not be for you. That does not make the time you had less special or important. It does not invalidate the feelings. But every important connection is not forever.

 

[jbking]

My answer...

If you were interested in someone and then felt differently would you let the other person know or stop corresponding all together?

This depends a lot on what changed. If I found out that someone was a child molestor or rapist then heck ya it could mean I stop corresponding after sending a, "Do not talk to me," message as I would at least have the courtesy to state that before trying to get back to my life. Meanwhile, in other cases I could have my feelings grow deeper for someone in light of a dark secret if it wasn't quite as bad as the child molestor or rapist cases.

I do agree with Peter that there is some mixed messages here that may leave someone more than a little confused and frustrated. Does your life stop while waiting for an answer? If so, then send him a message you want an answer soon but otherwise just get on with all the other stuff in your life as I'm sure things like breathing and eating are still things you do on a regular basis while you wait for a response.

 

[NRGY]

Thank you Peter.

I do know I tend to over think things and talk through them to get a better understanding. Plus I tend to want to always be 'nice' and didn't want to appear demanding. Overall I think I messed up pretty good with him. I guess I can take it as a learning experience.

I will remember your advice in the future.

 

[Peter]

I think that NRGY may be facing an incompatible type of emotional intimacy demand here. If I understand correctly, then being able to voice your doubts and be reassured is an important part of intimate relating. That sort of "I love you, especially because of your faults." Clearly not an INTJ thing, though.

NRGY, you may want to take a step back and think about what you really want and need from a long-term soul-sustaining relationship.

If you don't like too much distance or very analytical decision-making or long periods of silence without reassurance, the INTJ may not be for you. That does not make the time you had less special or important. It does not invalidate the feelings. But every important connection is not forever.

My posts are practical and analytical indeed. :happy: and the advice I gave is purely based on the goal. If that works for her, that's another thing all together. That she has to decide for her self.

 

[Isis]

My posts are practical and analytical indeed. :happy: and the advice I gave is purely based on the goal. If that works for her, that's another thing all together. That she has to decide for her self.

That's just part of your considerable INTJ charm. ; )

I'm just trying to interject that NRGY is entitled to have her needs met as well.

 

[NRGY]

I do think our emotional needs could be way out of whack.

No I am not a child molester or anything sinister. He did text me after my revelation so I assumed that he was okay with it which he said at the time of the discussion. It was a couple days later but did not have the normal sweet greeting he had been using. I replied with the same flat tone then worried that he might take that as confusion on my part since he had picked up on that before my talk. I didn't want him to think I was unsure or had changed my mind.

So I emailed what I thought was a clear message but I can see where maybe it was not. I thought he would have given some response by now and was curious if I might not ever hear from him. I took him to be much more upfront and thought he would have a clear idea or what he wanted (or not) and not leave me hanging. I think that is part of why I liked him so much. He said he was pretty much black or white ~ in or out.

 

[Isis]

Sorry, NRGY.... I hope you're OK.

 

[Expat in Japan]

In my past relationships, when I was asked/given (implicitly or explicitly) some sort of ultimatum (yes or no), it made me hesitate. Being up front it one thing, and one which I think many INTJs appreciate, respect and value, but to add a relationship making/breaking decision at the same moment is a bit much.

Dating and a life-long commitment are very different for me. I would rather not have them be different, but people/society at large make them different. When I am asked to make a decision about dating, but really carries the weight of life-long commitment to her, I would balk. Balking does not mean running. It means putting the knowledge in the background and I would then begin to view most everything else from this perspective.

I have personally have heard and accepted a number of private matters in my relationships. More than anything, such trust made me feel valued.

If you and he are open, strong and willing enough to see how things go, which means also being open if it doesn't go well, then enjoy. Share your private matter and feel free to ask, "Are you okay with that?" If says he's okay, then he said he was okay. Don't attach anything else to your concern.

Wish you the best.