[ethylester]

Hi fellow INFPs. I have a feeling you all will say that it is cheating, but I need to know - is it considered cheating on your significant other if you have phone sex with another person who is anonymous and you don't know? Please explain your reasoning behind your opinion. I'm sort of having a crisis right now.

I know this really isn't about INFPs but I wanted your advice and INFPs are good at giving advice. I hope that's appropriate.

 

[snail]

Yes, I would say that it counts, especially if you have an emotional attachment to the person you are having phone sex with, or if that person has an emotional attachment to you.

 

[Isildin]

Hi fellow INFPs. I have a feeling you all will say that it is cheating, but I need to know - is it considered cheating on your significant other if you have phone sex with another person who is anonymous and you don't know? Please explain your reasoning behind your opinion. I'm sort of having a crisis right now.

I know this really isn't about INFPs but I wanted your advice and INFPs are good at giving advice. I hope that's appropriate.

... i kind of want to hear the story behind this

Did you or the other party initiate it?
... i mean, if you work for like, a phone-sex line, then i wouldnt see it as cheating

 

[amanda32]

It's a type of cheating, of course not as serious as actual, physical cheating. Also, because you don't know him, it's not emotional cheating either, really.

It's a type of cheating, but I wouldn't beat yourself up too too much over it -- just end it.
I'm more inclined to ask why.

 

[The Great One]

Yes, most people would consider it cheating.

 

[wanderingone]

the way this is phrased seems to depend on a lot of definitions, so i'm not going to answer it directly for fear of misinterpretation somewhere along the way.

i think what's significant here is that whoever is participating in the phone sex, or thinking about it, is in some way not satisfied with what they're getting from the relationship itself. if the relationship is supposed to be about unconditional love and commitment, then i think phone sex isn't something that's compatible with that. not because of the act itself, but because of the idea that the love of one person isn't enough. in other relationships maybe it works fine... many many variables.

 

[hood]

You're still intentionally selling yourself for someones pleasure, so yeah I'd say it probably is.

 

[lopare232]

I think what really counts is whether you're being honest with your partner. Personally, I'd say this is really small potatoes and wouldn't worry yourself sick over it, but just be sure you're communicating with your partner, as hard as that can be for an INFP to do.

 

[ethylester]

wow thanks for the quick responses everyone.

It seems like you feel mixed about it. As do I.... As for emotional attachment, there is only slight attachment. Just because when you are doing that with someone, you kind of like them because of it. But that's it. And as for being honest with my partner, I'm scared to tell him. .... And as for the story behind it... well, I won't get into it. I'll just say it's been happening for about five years on and off between me and this other person. But lately, it's been eating away at my conscience. And to clarify, he gets off, not me. I was very tempted to get off, too, but I feel like that would be too much. Does that change anyone's opinion? And I'm not a phone sex operator and I'm not making money off this.

 

[skycloud86]

Not an INFP, but I would say that it certainly is cheating. Personally, I think you need to stop doing it - you're not only cheating, but you aren't even getting any pleasure from it yourself. Would you have actual physical sex with this person if you didn't get any pleasure from it?

I don't think you need to tell your partner, but in my opinion it should stop.

 

[Isildin]

If you've been having phone sex with this person for 5 years, and there's a emotional attachment, then i'm not sure, on one hand, it IS kind of sexual, but, phone sex, just doesn't seem like a big deal to me i guess. Doesn't seem fair to your partner though.

(if you where a phone sex operator, then he would probably have known, and i wouldn't have seen any issues at all )

 

[Psilocin]

wow thanks for the quick responses everyone.

It seems like you feel mixed about it. As do I.... As for emotional attachment, there is only slight attachment. Just because when you are doing that with someone, you kind of like them because of it. But that's it. And as for being honest with my partner, I'm scared to tell him. .... And as for the story behind it... well, I won't get into it. I'll just say it's been happening for about five years on and off between me and this other person. But lately, it's been eating away at my conscience. And to clarify, he gets off, not me. I was very tempted to get off, too, but I feel like that would be too much. Does that change anyone's opinion? And I'm not a phone sex operator and I'm not making money off this.

It took five years for guilt to strike?

 

[wanderingone]

mm, this definitely sounds to me like a situation that can't really continue. 5 years is sort of significant, so each of these people get a big part of your mind. if that's what everyone wants then that's fine, but that's not what it sounds like. i don't really know what you should do, but eventually you'll need to do something, and the sooner the better. secrets only get messier

 

[ethylester]

It took five years for guilt to strike?

well, no, it did not take five years for the guilt to strike. It has been there all along. I guess I've been just pushing it down and denying it the whole time. and it has only happened a handful of times. It just that it has happened twice in the last month and it feels worse than it did. It feels more devious.

ya'll are probably right, I should stop. But at the same time, I agree with the person who said it's not a big deal. doing it, it just doesn't seem like a big deal - it's a fantasy, it's not real, I don't know the guy personally. But if someone did that to me, I would be hurt - but I'm an INFP and I get hurt easily. but logically, in my mind, it doesn't seem like it should be a big deal - it's just talking. I'm just afraid that my partner would be hurt if he knew, he's an INTP. that's why I needed some neutral advice.

 

[vel]

If your partner knows and gives you their blessing then it is not cheating. If he or she doesn't know then it is. Doesn't matter if it is phone sex, chatroom sex, watching porn or adult videos - it is just dishonest to do this behind their back.

 

[amanda32]

wow thanks for the quick responses everyone.

It seems like you feel mixed about it. As do I.... As for emotional attachment, there is only slight attachment. Just because when you are doing that with someone, you kind of like them because of it. But that's it. And as for being honest with my partner, I'm scared to tell him. .... And as for the story behind it... well, I won't get into it. I'll just say it's been happening for about five years on and off between me and this other person. But lately, it's been eating away at my conscience. And to clarify, he gets off, not me. I was very tempted to get off, too, but I feel like that would be too much. Does that change anyone's opinion? And I'm not a phone sex operator and I'm not making money off this.

Interesting little situation you've got going on here

I think your INTP boyfriend will see this as cheating.
And it seems like you feel guilty -- that's usually a good indication of whether or not it's ethical. The asking is almost always looking for a way to either confirm or validate what you've done.

I think the danger with continuing it is that the more it continues, the deeper it'll go. Be careful, it's a slippery slope.

 

[ethylester]

Not an INFP, but I would say that it certainly is cheating. Personally, I think you need to stop doing it - you're not only cheating, but you aren't even getting any pleasure from it yourself. Would you have actual physical sex with this person if you didn't get any pleasure from it?

I don't think you need to tell your partner, but in my opinion it should stop.

Actually, I DO get pleasure from it. But in the form of fantasy, not physically. Is it wrong to get pleasure from a fantasy?

 

[ethylester]

... i kind of want to hear the story behind this

Did you or the other party initiate it?
... i mean, if you work for like, a phone-sex line, then i wouldnt see it as cheating

The other party initiated it and since I'm a big pushover and into trying new things, I went along with it. Then it kind of spiraled from there...

 

[skycloud86]

Actually, I DO get pleasure from it. But in the form of fantasy, not physically. Is it wrong to get pleasure from a fantasy?

No, but you say he is getting off - is he actually masturbating when these calls happen?

 

[ethylester]

It's a type of cheating, of course not as serious as actual, physical cheating. Also, because you don't know him, it's not emotional cheating either, really.

It's a type of cheating, but I wouldn't beat yourself up too too much over it -- just end it.
I'm more inclined to ask why.

good question - WHY. I can't give you a big deep answer because I don't have one. It's really just because I like it. That's the only reason I have.

A few years ago, I did confess it to my partner (same guy I am still with) and he seemed indifferent. Me and him even had phone sex with each other once. It was great. He knows that I like it. But we never did it again and he never brought it up again. I feel like he MUST know that I'm still up to it since he knows that I talk to this guy still. but I don't go right out and say "We're still having phone sex", I just say that I talked to him. My partner (my husband) never seems like he cares. but I'm afraid he's just trying not to think about it. Like, if he knew how it all happened, he might be jealous or hurt or something. but do I need to tell him?

I am just so torn.