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Discussion Starter #1
I suppose I should start by saying our relationship has been the most difficult thing I've ever endured. We started shaky until I tried to end it, and he confirmed that he loved me and didn't want to lose me. The first three years of our relationship were undefined and consisted of t.v., drinking, and sharing thoughts. Feelings were untold and left me insecure about what we really were....

Now that we have confirmed that we are in a dating relationship, I have my fears and doubts about where we are headed. I'm not really a drinker, but he seems to finds it as a leisurely activity. He is 29 and I am 26. He moved back into his parents a few months ago and says that he is looking into finally completing the Bachelors he dropped out of two classes from completion.

I do love him dearly, we both want to eventually get married and have children together( we both glow when we talk about it).

I don't doubt his affections for me, but his friends and family (his mother especially) comment on his apathy, his drinking, and his lack of motivation to get started on much of anything. I myself have began noticing his lack of concern for time. He uses his weekends to drink, shows up late to our dates (which I go out of my way to plan because he doesn't seem to understand my need for them). We actually got into an issue over my feelings being so hurt by his lack of concern for the time he missed. I usually don't get upset, but the disappointment overwhelmed me so much that I cried and spilled out my emotional pain with him blankly staring at me.

I ask myself if I'm being to critical, since I observe everyone else do it too. I worry that we are just wasting away. I worry that I am investing myself too much. I worry that he is an alcoholic. I worry that we won't be that happy couple with children one day because of his seemingly, lack of concern of what is important to me.

I don't want to change him. I love him as he is and I don't want to be the reason why he wants to find his motivation or where he want to be in life. I want him to want it as much as me.
He is too damn intelligent to be doing nothing with himself. In fact, I love him for his childlike genius.
What is more important at the bottom of the bottle than what we could be doing together?
Or what he has the potential of?

So as he would say, " what do, PC?" :crying:
 

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The alcohol may be playing a major role. But is he really an alchy? How much does he drink a day? Is it everyday? Does he get easily irritated when he is sober? Seems nicer when he has his fix?
 

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I did date an INFJ, and their love is unfailing. It surprises me how much bullshit they are willing to put up with.

I'll write more about the other stuff when I get time.

I wish you luck, PC.
 

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He typically ends his days with a drink or more. The weekends almost always occur with drinking. His mother commented that before we started dating, he would be isolated downstairs with endless amounts of booze, playing video games until the break of day, and would often be late for work. I suppose he isn't non functioning because he has retained his job, but yes, some times he can be a complete ass until he drinks and then he is the most affectionate, fun loving guy. We have had sober nights together, and he has actually asked me if he could drink before....which I found odd because he normally just does it. Maybe it's just me being completely anxious about anything going into motion and being too much of a planner due to feeling like we are getting older.

This is where I want to be fair. Is it persecutive or is it an accurate view? Is it just anxiety or are my fear founded?
 

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Alcoholism is serious business. If I were you I'd separate until he got his drinking under control. He sounds depressed as well. Maybe he should see a psychologist or a psychiatrist.

If he loves you he'll understand your concern. It can be tough to break through the brick wall of denial that addicts build up, however. If he won't admit it's a problem, you may have to just let him go bottom out alone and let you take care of yourself in the meantime.
 

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Hmm. Some of what you say sounds standard INTP, but it seems a bit extreme. I don't know much about alcoholism, but it sounds like he might be one. Might want to look up some sites on that. "What is more important at the bottom of the bottle than what we could be doing together?" If it is an addiction, then it's not something he can get over on willpower alone. He might well want, in some rational sense, to pull himself out of the bottle and be with you, but his irrational self... You two'll need to get help with that, I think.

As for motivation, what does he do for a living? Is he passionate about his work, or is it just a way of paying the bills? If it's just a way of paying the bills, any ideas about what he *would* be passionate about, even if it's just a hobby?

Us INTPs aren't terribly future-oriented, and we're often unmotivated and don't live up to our potential. You *might* be able to use his Fe to make a problem that's too far off in the future his problem in the here-and-now (by explaining to him how it's making you miserable in the here and now). But that should be reserved for emergencies - it's a bit of a low blow, and you didn't exactly sign up to be his mother. And if it *is* an addiction that's the problem, even that won't work, on its own.
 

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He typically ends his days with a drink or more. The weekends almost always occur with drinking. His mother commented that before we started dating, he would be isolated downstairs with endless amounts of booze, playing video games until the break of day, and would often be late for work. I suppose he isn't non functioning because he has retained his job, but yes, some times he can be a complete ass until he drinks and then he is the most affectionate, fun loving guy. We have had sober nights together, and he has actually asked me if he could drink before....which I found odd because he normally just does it. Maybe it's just me being completely anxious about anything going into motion and being too much of a planner due to feeling like we are getting older.

This is where I want to be fair. Is it persecutive or is it an accurate view? Is it just anxiety or are my fear founded?
Yes, that definitely sounds like alcoholism to me :/ He might still be functional, but it doesn't sound healthy :(
 

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Alcoholism is serious business. If I were you I'd separate until he got his drinking under control. He sounds depressed as well. Maybe he should see a psychologist or a psychiatrist.
He definitely needs help, but he doesn't sound violent. I'm not an expert, but I think them separating might do more harm than good. He definitely needs to get some help, and that might require some motivation, but... I would definitely advise contacting some sort of support group, stat.
 

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He definitely needs help, but he doesn't sound violent. I'm not an expert, but I think them separating might do more harm than good. He definitely needs to get some help, and that might require some motivation, but... I would definitely advise contacting some sort of support group, stat.
AA is good for helping fledgling alcoholics see what the long term consequences of their actions might be if they don't stop, for sure.

Sometimes staying can be a form of enabling the addiction. It doesn't sound to me like he's a full fledged alcoholic in the sense that he's physically dependent yet. But he's on that road. Once he's physically dependent, he could die from seizures if he doesn't drink, so he'd need to undergo hospitalization for a full medical detox.
 

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He typically ends his days with a drink or more.
Are we talking beer or hard liq? One or two beers a day is supposedly not bad for you, but hey everyone's body is different.

The weekends almost always occur with drinking. His mother commented that before we started dating, he would be isolated downstairs with endless amounts of booze, playing video games until the break of day, and would often be late for work. I suppose he isn't non functioning because he has retained his job, but yes, some times he can be a complete ass until he drinks and then he is the most affectionate, fun loving guy. We have had sober nights together, and he has actually asked me if he could drink before....which I found odd because he normally just does it. Maybe it's just me being completely anxious about anything going into motion and being too much of a planner due to feeling like we are getting older.

This is where I want to be fair. Is it persecutive or is it an accurate view? Is it just anxiety or are my fear founded?
Okay now he sounds like an alchy (the isolating and drinking "endless amounts" is not a good tendency). Get him to a rehab or at the very least a psychiatrist. There is medicine out there that can quell the urge to drink. I actually went to a psychiatrist today for my drinking (Ive been drinking about a fifth a day for 8 months) and he put me on these pills that will supposedly kill the urge as I recover. He told me of two patients of his that were drinking for more than 5 decades and once they got on the medicine they no longer had the urge to drink. They are supposed to work immediately so I can let you know how they make me feel after a few days.

Don't listen to nadja about separating yourself from him, as an alchy myself I can tell you that's the worse thing for you to do if you want him to recover properly outside of a rehab (Ive recovered from one other addiction before plus a relapse). Support plays a huge role in regards to recovery. If a loved one abandons him he is only going to turn to the bottle for comfort, please trust me on that one.

You are trying to change him, but for the fucking better. Alcoholism is fun at first, but it always bites you in the ass in the end.

EDIT:

Oh and I don't mean to scare you or anything. His situation doesn't sound THAT bad, but there are a few things you have said that concerns me. It is always better to nip the problem in the butt before it's too late.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
He definitely needs help, but he doesn't sound violent. I'm not an expert, but I think them separating might do more harm than good. He definitely needs to get some help, and that might require some motivation, but... I would definitely advise contacting some sort of support group, stat.
He isn't violent at all. My Stepfather was and I have zero tolerance for anything of the sort. He has done some rude things in the past, that I told him were unacceptable which he discontinued and apologized for. I don't wake him up in the morning due to his grouchiness( I've made breakfast for him in the morning and he only criticized it- then later told my friend what an ass he was for it). He works for Fedex. He loves computers, Reddit mostly, and video games. The biggest problem is that most of our social activities occur at night because of his hours at work. I live in Ohio, he lives in Kentucky. A lot of our time together entails parties at friend's houses or at each others homes. I want him to be comfortable since he seems less comfortable in social settings than me. I suppose, I'd just like to do functional, Light of day activities with him. I drink, but I can wake up and not be moody the next day.
 

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He isn't violent at all. My Stepfather was and I have zero tolerance for anything of the sort. He has done some rude things in the past, that I told him were unacceptable which he discontinued and apologized for. I don't wake him up in the morning due to his grouchiness( I've made breakfast for him in the morning and he only criticized it- then later told my friend what an ass he was for it). He works for Fedex. He loves computers, Reddit mostly, and video games. The biggest problem is that most of our social activities occur at night because of his hours at work. I live in Ohio, he lives in Kentucky. A lot of our time together entails parties at friend's houses or at each others homes. I want him to comfortable since he seems less comfortable in social settings than me. I suppose, I'd just like to do functional, Light of day activities with him. I drink, but I can wake up and not be moody the next day.
Sounds like he could be self-medicating for social anxiety. In which case, even if he is not an alcoholic, the drinking is going to backfire. A good psychologist could help nip this in the bud before it causes much bigger problems.

He may be having the "quarter life crisis", or he may be at an impasse and feeling unfulfilled in his career. I know I'd be pretty blah if I were as smart as you say he is but I was doing something routine and boring all day. He probably beats himself up for not achieving more and spirals. These things can easily be dealt with in therapy.
 

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He isn't violent at all. My Stepfather was and I have zero tolerance for anything of the sort.
That's what I figured. Main problem is that he does indeed sound like he has alcoholism. It sounds like he's drinking because it pains him if he doesn't, not because it gives him joy when he does. To me, that sounds like *some* level of physical dependency.

He has done some rude things in the past, that I told him were unacceptable which he discontinued and apologized for. I don't wake him up in the morning due to his grouchiness( I've made breakfast for him in the morning and he only criticized it- then later told my friend what an ass he was for it).
That sounds normal :)

He works for Fedex. He loves computers, Reddit mostly, and video games.
Fedex sounds like just a job, not a passion. I think an INTP is happiest when they can use their Ti skills to make other people happy (getting Fe on board). Video games definitely makes our Ti happy, but it doesn't do much for Fe. Unless helping NPCs count.

The biggest problem is that most of our social activities occur at night because of his hours at work. I live in Ohio, he lives in Kentucky. A lot of our time together entails parties at friend's houses or at each others homes. I want him to be comfortable since he seems less comfortable in social settings than me. I suppose, I'd just like to do functional, Light of day activities with him. I drink, but I can wake up and not be moody the next day.
Small parties might be okay, but I can see how hanging out with even, say, five other people could be a bit of a drag. He shouldn't need to drink to get through it. But there's other signs that strongly suggests that he is an alcoholic :/
 

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Discussion Starter #14
That's what I figured. Main problem is that he does indeed sound like he has alcoholism. It sounds like he's drinking because it pains him if he doesn't, not because it gives him joy when he does. To me, that sounds like *some* level of physical dependency.
My concerns back with some type of validity.



sounds normal :)

Ha. Couples will always have their disfuctions on what is appropriate and what is not. I'm his first "serious" relationship other than just a fun time. My T is always expanding and his F is finally engaging. The balancing act continues on.


sounds like just a job, not a passion. I think an INTP is happiest when they can use their Ti skills to make other people happy (getting Fe on board). Video games definitely makes our Ti happy, but it doesn't do much for Fe. Unless helping NPCs count.

I definitely knew this before. His family always comments on how his brother has always had to work to achieve anything, and my INTP could master it without a second glance.

parties might be okay, but I can see how hanging out with even, say, five other people could be a bit of a drag. He shouldn't need to drink to get through it. But there's other signs that strongly suggests that he is an alcoholic :/[/QUOTE]

I have such a hard time planning things in the wee hours. This is my challenge. I can find numerous things to do during the day, but at night.... ugh. All my college friends tend to do it, his friends do it. It's a bad cycle.

P.s. I suck at quoting.
 

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I definitely knew this before. His family always comments on how his brother has always had to work to achieve anything, and my INTP could master it without a second glance.
Well, I wouldn't worry about living up to other people's expectations. I think it's more important to follow your passion. If that means being the World's Smartest Garbageman, then go be a garbageman, and don't worry about people looking down on you for it. I don't think INTPs *ever* live up to their potential (including, say, Albert Einstein), but that's okay. What's important is being happy.

I have such a hard time planning things in the wee hours. This is my challenge. I can find numerous things to do during the day, but at night.... ugh. All my college friends tend to do it, his friends do it. It's a bad cycle.
What hours is he available?
 

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What hours is he available?
Mostly Ten p.m. or after. He can download anything, so we can just stay home. I should plan a picnic on his day off, but I worry about that actually happening. I get so upset when things don't happen, it's pathetic.
 

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I know you love him and everything but I think letting him go for now would be a better idea. Sometimes people get comfortable and lose sight of what is real and not. You said he tried to keep you last time you tried to leave, try leaving again and see what happens. If he feels you're serious he might realize that he needs to get it together before he loses something precious to him. You can't really help him, he'll have to help himself, but if you're part of the motivation for him to get some help, that has to be a good thing.
 
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