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Do you get the affirmation you need? How?
 
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Regardless of what it is--physical, verbal, or gestural, it needs to be genuine. I can see fake from a mile away and it's gutting.
 
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I really like feeling appreciated and useful. Touching is nice, but if I can't get that, I love doing things for others; Cooking, tutoring, etc. Makes me feel good about myself. :laughing:

It's actually really bad. I dislike cooking for me, but if I find out you're coming over, I will cook you a feast. I get an ENFP high from everyone mumbling about how good it is as they stuff their faces. :crazy:
 

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Quality Time and Words of Affirmation are my Love Languages, so along with sincere compliments I respond to spending time with someone and really getting to know them well.
 

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I ask for affirmation. And I'm not above saying "worship me, dammit" either.
 
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Words of affirmation and quality time, totally. And I need those things with the same amount of enthusiasm that they would have if I were giving them to another person... that is to say, A LOT of enthusiasm. I dislike being touched, which is weird for an ENFP. Wish it were different.
 

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Words of affirmation and quality time, totally. And I need those things with the same amount of enthusiasm that they would have if I were giving them to another person... that is to say, A LOT of enthusiasm. I dislike being touched, which is weird for an ENFP. Wish it were different.
Yeah, I'm not into touch that much outside of the bedroom either. Maybe that is why you and I liked our INTJs so much?

Anyway, I tend to like quality time and gifts. Yay gifts! And I'm always down for sex. :proud:
 

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Yeah, I'm not into touch that much outside of the bedroom either. Maybe that is why you and I liked our INTJs so much?

Anyway, I tend to like quality time and gifts. Yay gifts! And I'm always down for sex. :proud:
Oooh, gifts are nice, too! Although I'm learning to wean myself off of materialistic things, little by little. After having been in a financially stressful relationship with my INTJ (the stress was my fault for being irresponsible, and contributed heavily to our dissolution)... I would rather be more financially secure and stable, and therefore be able to maintain a relationship, than to have gifts and material stuff and lose my relationship because of it.

I'm fine with touch when it's someone with whom I am intimately comfortable... which is, almost no one. My ex's family would always go in for a hug, and I would always back up and try to get them to give me a high-five instead. I think, for me, it's a body-image issue thing and a self-consciousness issue. When I am safe and can let my guard down, touch is so comforting.
 
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I wish I could feel good about being worshipped (not that anyone does, but hey). I do best with acknowledgements and reasonable praise. I get flustered with actual compliments or anything fancier than that.

I don't like gifts, strangely enough, because I often feel like they're being given to me in order to exact emotional leverage. I get gift, and then I feel like I'm being obligated to behave in a certain way because if I don't, I'm breaking some kind of contract. I hate it.
 

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Oooh, gifts are nice, too! Although I'm learning to wean myself off of materialistic things, little by little. After having been in a financially stressful relationship with my INTJ (the stress was my fault for being irresponsible, and contributed heavily to our dissolution)... I would rather be more financially secure and stable, and therefore be able to maintain a relationship, than to have gifts and material stuff and lose my relationship because of it.

I'm fine with touch when it's someone with whom I am intimately comfortable... which is, almost no one. My ex's family would always go in for a hug, and I would always back up and try to get them to give me a high-five instead. I think, for me, it's a body-image issue thing and a self-consciousness issue. When I am safe and can let my guard down, touch is so comforting.
For me, it's not about body image. It's about freedom. I don't like feeling like someone is suffocating me.
 
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Environment has a lot to do with it for me. I grew up around some unpleasant (probably sad) people and the lesson I learned early was trust no one, feel nothing. So I repressed all of that affirmation stuff, just shut down the external sources as irrelevent. There was always a hook in praise or demonstrations of affection - $2 of praise for $500 of expected credit. The only person left to trust to be honest with me was me, until I met my wife. Then it was a struggle to open up and accept compliments etc. I had to force myself to do simple things. In my mind, if anyone figured out what I was doing I would have been attacked for it. But after a while I developed a to-hell-with-them attitude and it's been easier since then.
 

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I admire you, Weka--I have no internal affirmation mechanism of any kind. Or if I do, it atrophied long ago. I worry that everything I think of myself is overinflated and incorrect, so I end up swinging all the way to the other end and assuming that I'm far, far worse than I'd imagined.

I rely on outside affirmation to straighten me out. Which is a bad idea, I'm betting. But everything I've tried to build some internal honest evaluation--positive and negative--hasn't worked yet. It's just internal flailing. Any advice would be deeply appreciated.
 

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I admire you, Weka--I have no internal affirmation mechanism of any kind. Or if I do, it atrophied long ago. I worry that everything I think of myself is overinflated and incorrect, so I end up swinging all the way to the other end and assuming that I'm far, far worse than I'd imagined.

I rely on outside affirmation to straighten me out. Which is a bad idea, I'm betting. But everything I've tried to build some internal honest evaluation--positive and negative--hasn't worked yet. It's just internal flailing. Any advice would be deeply appreciated.
My experience is that, and I'm not suggesting you are me, is that to believe you are worse than you are is marginally more useful than to believe in your own goodness. Ideas of righteousness puts one hell of a slant on your perception, but tears can clear your eyes. The human spirit does not tend to darkness, it gets sick of it, which is why the depressed know there is something "wrong". If you were truely as bad as you thought, then embrace it for a moment, call its bluff. Be overinflated, proclaim your greatness as loudly as you can, reveal your hubris! Why should you care? You are worse than anyone alive, a scumbag, getting ideas above your abilities, you're just a stupid girl who no one respects, the centre point of all evil. So be stupid. Shout out the stupidity and roll in it, squeeze it between your toes, rub it over your face. And once the fear and pain subsides, take another look at what you see. I want to know how good you are. And I won't settle for just average.
 

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breathing....... and touch.....

breathing to know I am alive and worthy

touch... essential to my being... my ex withheld touch and I was starving... my new man? is an ENFJ which is sublime!
 

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My experience is that, and I'm not suggesting you are me, is that to believe you are worse than you are is marginally more useful than to believe in your own goodness. Ideas of righteousness puts one hell of a slant on your perception, but tears can clear your eyes. The human spirit does not tend to darkness, it gets sick of it, which is why the depressed know there is something "wrong". If you were truely as bad as you thought, then embrace it for a moment, call its bluff. Be overinflated, proclaim your greatness as loudly as you can, reveal your hubris! Why should you care? You are worse than anyone alive, a scumbag, getting ideas above your abilities, you're just a stupid girl who no one respects, the centre point of all evil. So be stupid. Shout out the stupidity and roll in it, squeeze it between your toes, rub it over your face. And once the fear and pain subsides, take another look at what you see. I want to know how good you are. And I won't settle for just average.
Plain.
Effin'.
Brilliant.

Cheers for that.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
For me, it's not about body image. It's about freedom. I don't like feeling like someone is suffocating me.

Hearing about ENFP's and their need for.... like.... freedom... is interesting. Because I feel that too... like when I am too taken control of.... I literally feel like bringing walls down wherever I am. It never occurred to me that I actually could. I'm afraid of the consequences though..... one enfp said that he couldn't stand feeling like he should do something. But all the shoulds in my mind have recently been controlling me... because of school and all. I feel as though it may not be wise to not listen to the shoulds.... but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe.... I should.... lol.... not listen.... to the shoulds. I dunno.
 
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Discussion Starter #20
Environment has a lot to do with it for me. I grew up around some unpleasant (probably sad) people and the lesson I learned early was trust no one, feel nothing. So I repressed all of that affirmation stuff, just shut down the external sources as irrelevent. There was always a hook in praise or demonstrations of affection - $2 of praise for $500 of expected credit. The only person left to trust to be honest with me was me, until I met my wife. Then it was a struggle to open up and accept compliments etc. I had to force myself to do simple things. In my mind, if anyone figured out what I was doing I would have been attacked for it. But after a while I developed a to-hell-with-them attitude and it's been easier since then.
mmmm Identifying with you now
 
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