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If an INTJ really likes a person, but has been seriously hurt in the past can the INTJ put aside the feelings and not go beyond a friendship because of fear of repeating the past and not wanting to be hurt again?
 

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Plague Doctor
INTJ, 5w4, Ni-T type
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If an INTJ really likes a person, but has been seriously hurt in the past can the INTJ put aside the feelings and not go beyond a friendship because of fear of repeating the past and not wanting to be hurt again?
If the person they like is the one who hurt them, it's a matter of practicality to not go beyond a friendship.

Also, if the relationship doesn't make sense/couldn't work, then it won't go beyond friendship either (usually). I mean I love the idea of getting in a relationship with a sexy badass ISTP, but in reality, it's just not a good mix for me.

I've only been afraid of losing my independence/personal time by being in a relationship. Most of my exes (lol most of which are ISTPs) couldn't take my introversion.

I'm happily settled down with a INTP.
 

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um. i think if i'm not in the right state or at a good time for a relationship then it really doesn't matter why that might be. it's going to stay true anyway. something about the way you phrase the question makes me feel like you're gearing up to bypass whatever some real-life intj is telling you, and personally i'm not sure that that can be done. or more whether it should be or not. personally, i think it's risky to ever try to talk someone else into a relationship they're not into - whatever their reasons might be.

i haven't had that particular story - or at least, i wouldn't phrase my own not-the-right-head-space versions of it in that way because it's too glib to represent anything that i recognise. but fwiw, i don't think it's ever been a matter of setting feelings 'aside' as if doing it was some kind of decision or choice on my part. it just is what it is. it's like looking at something you want and then looking at the money in your hand, and if you don't have enough to buy it then you're not deciding not to buy it. buying it isn't an option, that's all. and the feelings themselves don't get less relevant or change their nature. they're just feelings that can't be acted on.
 

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By your recent questions I'm guessing he's acting as if he was your boyfriend/had feelings for you but when you mention it or a relationship he's pulling the "just friends" /"I don't know what love is" card? Yet he keeps acting as if he had feelings?

My bet is:
a) yep, he can have a trauma, be scared and repressing his feelings;
b) you're projecting and he's just being a friend.
 

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well I am guarded towards anything that has the potential to be a drain on my limited energy reserves, and since I know relationships is one of those things, I am guarded towards relationships. I am not 'afraid' of them as I have learned to manage my exposure to their risk.
 

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I think it really depends on the situation, but mostly I just agree with was said above!

I do have a personal example of me pushing past the "mental obstacle" my then boyfriend had with me. But by then we were already dating for 4 months, so I'm betting it doesn't apply to you at all. I don't know how I can exactly explain it... My boyfriend had commitment issues and I honestly think I'm the first intelligent/ambitious woman he ever dated. He often "pushes people away" because he has this shell constructed around himself. This is very common in INTJs. The INTJ's instinct is to preserve what they have: their independence etc (as said above). They'll probably rather stay single than take the risk of a relationship. This of course doesn't apply to all INTJs. Sometimes they need a gentle push. Or rather: a well constructed reasoning of why they're in the wrong. When my boyfriend dumped me and claimed he "didn't feel the same way", I went crazy for a week. Then I went to him, told him point blank that he DOES have feelings for me (I mean seriously he once said he wanted to give me a key to his apartment lol) and that he was being a fucking idiot. When we talked it out he admitted he had some addiction issues that made it hard for him to connect to me. But having a very deep and personal talk like that opened him up. Sometimes you need these "deep and cuttingly honest" conversations to really get to the bottom of your relationship and what you want to get out of it. And an INTJ might often not be as in touch with their feelings as other types. If they feel like they've been misunderstood for a long time, they might even consciously suppress these feelings. Heck if this INTJ didn't have any succesful relationships before they might even make an effort to fail this one, as to preserve their own feelings, but I think this applies to a lot of other people as well.

So if you have some valid arguments for dating this INTJ and you see it from another perspective, just bring it up to him. And really talk it out.
 

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Also, if the relationship doesn't make sense/couldn't work, then it won't go beyond friendship either (usually). I mean I love the idea of getting in a relationship with a sexy badass ISTP, but in reality, it's just not a good mix for me.
Ha, I can almost always find a reason a relationship wouldn't make sense. I think actually if I'm afraid of anything, it's doing something that doesn't make sense and then feeling trapped because of it. Sometimes I wonder if I have to be more accepting of the fact that logistical problems are inevitable. But in my mind it's like, if a relationship is the source of some kind of practicality problem (or generally anything negative) in my life, I'm automatically better without it. :dry: It's rare that my feelings are strong enough to think it's worth the costs.
 

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Relationships can certainly be rewarding… but there are also some pertinent considerations one can’t afford to ignore:

  • The benefits don’t necessarily always outweigh the benefits.
  • Since they can be unpredictable, there are dozens of things which could go wrong.
In other words, it’s not unreasonable to proceed with caution…
 

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If an INTJ really likes a person, but has been seriously hurt in the past can the INTJ put aside the feelings and not go beyond a friendship because of fear of repeating the past and not wanting to be hurt again?
I suppose; but I reckon this is [not unique] to cognitive-functions / particular types, in general, or a Typology issue - but rather seems to be more of an unresolved psychological issue (i.e., attachment / emotional truamas, feeling complexities / ritualized-reinforcement of emotional-pain generating long-term "trust" issues / and other anxieties/phobias), thus precipitating malfunctions with forming interpsonal relationships over all.

(Ex; 1) -->

Similarly to [a new swimmer]; that continues to sink, thus develop(s) a self-defeatist attitude / anxiety around swimming, in general.

Unconditioned stimulus rehearsal and the retention and enhancement of differential "fear" conditioning: effects of trait and state anxiety.

Davey GC1, Matchett G.
Author information
Abstract

In 2 experiments, the effect of anxiety on the cued-unconditioned stimulus (UCS) rehearsal phenomenon was investigated (T. Jones & G. C. L. Davey, 1990). In Experiment 1, postconditioning rehearsal of the unconditioned stimulus (UCS) resulted in an increase in conditioned response (CR) strength during extinction, but only in subjects with high levels of trait anxiety. An induced mood procedure was used in Experiment 2, and a postrehearsal increase in CR strength was found in subjects who had undergone induced somatic anxiety but not in subjects who had undergone induced worrying or who underwent a neutral induction procedure. In both experiments, the increase in CR strength following UCS rehearsal was associated with inflated ratings of the aversiveness of rehearsing the UCS. These results are discussed in terms of the ways in which anxiety might influence UCS rehearsal and facilitate physiological CRs to the conditioned stimulus.


And while (I)NTJ or (high-functioning introvert(s)), in general, tend to have a disposition toward(s) privacy, slow to open up, and so forth - this does not necessarily denote a disposition to emotionally unavailable/under-developed -- in the same way(s) introversion does not entail autism - which are more easily addressed when analyzing early stages of development via paternal/maternal stages.

__________

Thus, it is not whether or not this unique to (X)-type; but rather you are looking for insight to how INTJ-specimen(s) tend to handle such conflicts (re: "commitment phobias,"), which I reckon while there are distinctions in how we handle it - this does not give a unique insight in how to resolve it - which I think [comes via addressing his/her underlying psychological-malfunction(s) + anxieties] in general -- similar to there being no 'distinct' type(s) of therapy when it comes between an INFP scared of water - and a ENFP scared of water.

Commitment phobia, as with
any other phobia, is based
on fear – fear of connection,
fear of intimacy, fear of loss,
and fear of getting hurt.
Emotional protection is central to those
with relationship anxiety, as is the incessant
need to be in control. Though these fears
and anxieties may be very evident to their
romantic partner, very often, the person
afraid to commit is unaware of the issue
and acts based on their subconscious.
Commitment-phobes are highly skilled in
the art of seduction, using intelligence and
charm to captivate those they are romantically
interested in. Their allure overshadows
their inability to form healthy, long-lasting
relationships. When in a relationship, the
commitment-phobe enjoys the same excitement
and romantic feelings as their partner;
however, once their feelings become too
intense for them to handle, they find excuses
to distance themselves from their loved one.
This sudden and unexpected detachment
is a reaction to them feeling “too much,”
not, as it’s often interpreted, as feeling “too
little.” In this way, people with relationship
anxiety maintain their romances for only a
limited time, often making a swift exit
[HR][/HR]

I do, however, think there is perhap(s) a biological predeposition related to (Ni/Si/Ti/Fi) overall, and that this similar pattern seems persistant among all the IXXX types; & this predisposition makes (X)-types more prone to anxieties/phobias that other types [which may be due to the internalized / subjective fixation of the cognitive-function(s) in general that generate a certain fixation and/or dependency on hyper-self agency that induces unique psychological biases / anxieties unique to internally-fixated functions ::
It
Such as the [strong] correlation(s) via Si/Ni (&) why the dominant(s) are often mistyed so often:

In other words, a (Se)-dom with a (higher degree of feeling) will be utilizing such to have an awareness of anatomic position among other agencies (re: this can manifest in desires to be held with 'to attention,') to distort, and/or communicative with surrounding agencies by means of (sensing-stimulants), in relation to other agencies. Unlike the (Si)-dom, who will be fixated on the (anxietic) side-effects due to the internalized psychological-biases that comes with (internalized-fixation) on the 'states of self'.


______________

Ex;

Introverted-sensing humanoid(s) will be utilizing perceived / and/or possible "states" of being (re: abstractions - and/or possible interference with physical-anatomic properties that may occur) - via (internalized disturbances) to assess their position, where things stand in position to themselves: manifesting in the forms of various 'technique' to distract or alleviate from various sensory internal disturbances - (consequence / anxieties / relief). An observation of how things are in relation to myself - thus, a hyper-awareness of the position of (my anatomic-functions); and how things (or subjects depending on logical-fixation) surrounding correlate - interference - or relate to such states.

Side effects: of (Si) -- [Yearning / anxiety / needs / discomfort / correction / position].
And while analyzing deeper into individual type background(s) there may be pattern(s) of eccentric / distinct parenting styles that may have triggered certain INTJ's to react differently to things such as "emotional expression / relationship phobias). It seems a combonation of factors (re: upbringing / traumas / biological (type-related) dispositions), rather than simply "INTJs in general are born to be like (X) when it comes to relationships,".
 

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If I found the right person, I would want a relationship. I would want someone who truly cared about me and who I cared about. They would have to be a very special and meaningful person and I have a list of qualities in my head. Of course, if I truly felt a connection and they didn't meet everything, I am not picky to that point. However, there has to be a certain attraction. It would have to be mutual. I would be nervous that this was truly who they were. Fear of rejection goes into it but I am certainly not a loner.

Of course, if I never did find the right person, I wouldn't mind being a crazy Trekkie cat lady living with my cats and my weirdness scaring away any potential partner. I do sometimes worry about not finding the right person but I would rather be single than get into something that wasn't meant to be and I have rejected people in the past who have not met my standards. It may seem cold and mean but I didn't feel that way about any of them. I also have been in the position of being rejected and it's one of the worst feelings. Getting to know me can take a long time. I guess taking the step to initiate it comes next and maintain it. However, I do have certain standards and would need to feel a connection. I do feel a certain fear about it and ending up with the wrong person. If someone does not fit my standards I am very very very picky. That is just the way I am.
 

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I agree with @Catwalk that this is not type specific and probably related to attachment style or other factors.

Supposing that the INTJ in question does "like" you (or the person on whose behalf you're asking), they might either have an avoidant attachment style or have a legitimate reason to need more time to get over a recent trauma.

I'm an INTJ with a slightly anxious-preoccupied attachment style and I'm far more likely to chase someone I like and bend over backwards to please them than to make excuses. If I like or love someone I would find a way to show or tell them. Even when I try to hide my feelings out of fear of rejection, I can't keep them in forever and I certainly don't blow hot and cold. Sooner or later I would just tell them because I'd rather know what I'm up against (even if the answer is "no") than fret forever.
If I don't like someone (especially. someone who is even clingier than I am or an annoying ENFP) , I would be polite and hope and that they'll stop pushing eventually. I would try to hide from them to avoid a confrontation or drama.


Someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style, on the other hand, would not necessarily be aware or willing to admit that they are traumatised. A dismissive avoidant person who is aware of their problem and willing to talk about it could be a very rare nugget and it might well be worth being patient with them.

I don't know that much about the fearful avoidant type, so I can't comment on that.

Also, just to wind you up, please look up "friendship" on Wikipedia and you will see that there is no relationship "beyond" a friendship in emotional terms. If what you've got with this INTJ isn't "enough" emotionally, you're not friends yet.
So maybe you want to work on that first, unless you're desperate for a good shag.

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The afraid of commitment/relationships label is annoying. The other, more likely possibility is that this person doesn't want you the way you want them. If there is past trauma, then that complicate things a bit.

And the question has very little to do with mbti. Get to know the person past those four letters and you'll find your answer.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Thanks to everyone who has shared your insights/ideas. I made the original post after he and I had a text exchange one day and I inadvertently admitted to having stronger feelings for him. We spend quite a bit of time together, text daily, etc and have a strong friendship. His statement to my admission would be that going down that road would “end in epic disaster.” When I asked him how he could be so sure, he said “history repeating and all that.” I know that he has not had many if any really successful long term relationships, and he has made off-hand comments in the past about not being controlled and being able to do his own thing. I asked if the conversation was one that shouldn’t happen at all, or one for another time (giving him the opportunity to gently tell me he wasn’t interested in me beyond friendship). His response was “either way, I don’t know.” So I’m a little confused. Why wouldn’t he just tell me he wasn’t interested.

I greatly value our friendship. We’ve been spending time together for close to two years now. He talks to me more than he talks to anyone else. He treats me differently than anyone else. Our relationship has gone through changes as we deepen the friendship. But, I want to be careful and guard my heart though. I want to be open with him, but at the same time, I don’t want to fall any more than I already am. I’m an INTP, and I suppress emotion quite a bit, and I am capable of remaining friends with him despite my feelings. I wondered if it were the same with INTJs as well.
 

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Thanks to everyone who has shared your insights/ideas. I made the original post after he and I had a text exchange one day and I inadvertently admitted to having stronger feelings for him. We spend quite a bit of time together, text daily, etc and have a strong friendship. His statement to my admission would be that going down that road would “end in epic disaster.” When I asked him how he could be so sure, he said “history repeating and all that.” I know that he has not had many if any really successful long term relationships, and he has made off-hand comments in the past about not being controlled and being able to do his own thing. I asked if the conversation was one that shouldn’t happen at all, or one for another time (giving him the opportunity to gently tell me he wasn’t interested in me beyond friendship). His response was “either way, I don’t know.” So I’m a little confused. Why wouldn’t he just tell me he wasn’t interested.

I greatly value our friendship. We’ve been spending time together for close to two years now. He talks to me more than he talks to anyone else. He treats me differently than anyone else. Our relationship has gone through changes as we deepen the friendship. But, I want to be careful and guard my heart though. I want to be open with him, but at the same time, I don’t want to fall any more than I already am. I’m an INTP, and I suppress emotion quite a bit, and I am capable of remaining friends with him despite my feelings. I wondered if it were the same with INTJs as well.
Ah, that makes sense. Well, he said "I don't know." That's frustrating and can lead to anxiety, but at least he's being honest. There's no point in being in a relationship with someone who doesn't know, i. e. hasn't processed stuff yet and made up their mind. There is also a danger that you'd feel tempted to do better than his previous partner and take on too much of the relationship work. I'd say stay friends and see how it goes. Maybe he will know one day, maybe somebody else will come along. It would be interesting to know whether his previous partners were INTPs, too, or whether he's just generally cynical. I don't see INTPs as heart breakers in a romantic sense. On the contrary, they are so tame, I automatically see them as a purely platonic friend. If they get their knickers in a twist about romance, though, and value it higher than friendship, thats when they do break my heart.
If he's being generally cynical about relationships (vs your INTPness triggering him because his exes were also INTPs), that's not necessarily very mature and maybe he's not someone you should be with. So maybe he's doing you a favour by being honest.
I'd say give him some space in that respect and he might still change his mind... or he might not and you can still be friends.

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Ah, that makes sense. Well, he said "I don't know." That's frustrating and can lead to anxiety, but at least he's being honest. There's no point in being in a relationship with someone who doesn't know, i. e. hasn't processed stuff yet and made up their mind. There is also a danger that you'd feel tempted to do better than his previous partner and take on too much of the relationship work. I'd say stay friends and see how it goes. Maybe he will know one day, maybe somebody else will come along. It would be interesting to know whether his previous partners were INTPs, too, or whether he's just generally cynical. I don't see INTPs as heart breakers in a romantic sense. On the contrary, they are so tame, I automatically see them as a purely platonic friend. If they get their knickers in a twist about romance, though, and value it higher than friendship, thats when they do break my heart.
If he's being generally cynical about relationships (vs your INTPness triggering him because his exes were also INTPs), that's not necessarily very mature and maybe he's not someone you should be with. So maybe he's doing you a favour by being honest.
I'd say give him some space in that respect and he might still change his mind... or he might not and you can still be friends.

Sent from my VTR-L09 using Tapatalk[/QUOTE]


It would be interesting to know as well. Knowing him I doubt he would be able to stand being around too much emotion. I am very good friends with his sister, so I do know that he has a child with one girl he was in a relationship with about 12 yrs ago and she cheated on him. It was a very, very bad time for him. And he is actually generally that cynical. ? I will absolutely continue our friendship because I value it greatly. And he knows how I feel. So the ball is in his court now to figure out how he feels.
 

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If an INTJ really likes a person, but has been seriously hurt in the past can the INTJ put aside the feelings and not go beyond a friendship because of fear of repeating the past and not wanting to be hurt again?
Only if I have good reasons to believe that it wont work.

What is this whining anyway? I didnt stop trying to walk because I fell over a few times. I didnt quit learning how to ride a bike because I couldnt keep my balance at first. Ive had interest in succeeding at both of those activities and I am also interested in forging a bond that lasts forever so no, I will not give up just because I was hurt in the past.

I dont even care if I end up getting hurt again because I know that pain is a part of the process, a part of this world; you cant have pleasure without pain because one needs to exist for the other to have a meaning. Would I be afraid of it? Of course, it is a natural response to feel fear when threatened with pain. I get over this by knowing that I wont die, that my life continues whether or not this girl is interested in me. That is why I seek, regardless of the potentially poor outcome.

Also, lol at all these people citing "missing opportunities" as a reason not to get into a promising relationship :D, I will never understand such values.

Another thing, there is a certain type of person out there who I can picture as afraid of relationships and most other things for that matter. For them, nothing else exists other than the worst possible outcome, regardless of the fact that things sometimes go well. Theyre neurotic, unconfident and fearful. If theyre smart then theyll have you jumping through hoops to convince them to do something. Just something to watch out for, unless youre into such a thing.
 
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