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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Obviously there's loads of different scenarios, and upbringing will have a massive influence on this sort of thing. But I'm curious how do enneagram 9's usually deal with arguments that are either big or small.

Different scenarios might be things like:

1)You believe that you were in the wrong.
2)You believe they are in the wrong.
3) You were both wrong in some way.
4) Neither were wrong, but escalated arguments about the issue could be perceived as inappropriate.

I'm kind of curious whether my partner is an enneagram 9. Her approach to problems is usually to try not make such a massive deal out of it, and to just let the problem slide (after fuming to herself about the injustice). For some people, including myself, this sometimes come across as ignoring the issue because things aren't resolved in my mind. I can't forget about these things without a discussion and apologies involved. But bringing up any unresolved issues at a later point is seen as being spiteful.

More often or not I end up apologising. Maybe this isn't enneagram related.
 

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I just want everyone to go back to being calm and happy and will do whatever I can to make it so. This will usually involve denying that I got angry at all. :unsure: I don't know how others handle this, though...
 

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For me, it depends on who the argument is with. With most people, I just want to go back to how things were before, so I end up completely ignoring the explosion and pretending it never happened. I will usually resolve it in my own way. Much to the dismay of those who want to talk it all out. Sometimes I feel like everything is my fault and should be dealt with by me. Doesn't mean what happened is festering inside me or anything.

With a significant other, I try to handle it up front, usually by apologizing for the explosion and trying to talk out the problem and get to a resolution. Or this is what I'm trying because I think it's a lot healthier this way. After the resolution, I will try to re-establish intimacy usually by cuddling.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I just want everyone to go back to being calm and happy and will do whatever I can to make it so. This will usually involve denying that I got angry at all. :unsure: I don't know how others handle this, though...
For me, it depends on who the argument is with. With most people, I just want to go back to how things were before, so I end up completely ignoring the explosion and pretending it never happened. I will usually resolve it in my own way. Much to the dismay of those who want to talk it all out. Sometimes I feel like everything is my fault and should be dealt with by me. Doesn't mean what happened is festering inside me or anything.
Yeah. There's definitely value in the approach of dealing with the issue alone, not making a fuss about things and then focusing on getting life back to normal. I get the strong impression that my partner feels that bringing up negative topics-arguments to 'discuss' is more about being critical with each other (e.g. Blame games) and usually make matters worst? Does this seem like a typical view of how an enneagram 9 might view 'discussions'?

Most of the time, I view arguments as created from misunderstandings, so discussing with the other person is important to clarify the situation. I'm kind of curious how a person who usually deals with problems themselves would be able to clarify these misunderstandings without consulting others? Would it mostly be based on your own interpretation of how events played out after things have cooled down?
 

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Yeah. There's definitely value in the approach of dealing with the issue alone, not making a fuss about things and then focusing on getting life back to normal. I get the strong impression that my partner feels that bringing up negative topics-arguments to 'discuss' is more about being critical with each other (e.g. Blame games) and usually make matters worst? Does this seem like a typical view of how an enneagram 9 might view 'discussions'?

Most of the time, I view arguments as created from misunderstandings, so discussing with the other person is important to clarify the situation. I'm kind of curious how a person who usually deals with problems themselves would be able to clarify these misunderstandings without consulting others? Would it mostly be based on your own interpretation of how events played out after things have cooled down?
I find that most arguments are not caused by misunderstandings, but by different points of view. I used to think my husband was misunderstanding what I was saying, but really he was just looking at it from a different perspective (often one which didn't seem important/relevant to me). When the problem is a difference of perspective, going over the argument may help you both to realise that neither of you were deliberately trying to be obstinate or trying to hurt each other, but it won't help you agree or even fully understand the other's point of view (because you just don't see it that way, even if you can see how they could see it that way). Because of this, I tend towards the opinion that going over an argument will just bring up the same argument again, so what's the point?

Of course that's only my opinion, things may be different between different people.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I find that most arguments are not caused by misunderstandings, but by different points of view. I used to think my husband was misunderstanding what I was saying, but really he was just looking at it from a different perspective (often one which didn't seem important/relevant to me). When the problem is a difference of perspective, going over the argument may help you both to realise that neither of you were deliberately trying to be obstinate or trying to hurt each other, but it won't help you agree or even fully understand the other's point of view (because you just don't see it that way, even if you can see how they could see it that way). Because of this, I tend towards the opinion that going over an argument will just bring up the same argument again, so what's the point?

Of course that's only my opinion, things may be different between different people.
You definitely have a point there.

Hmm. I'm just wondering if there's any possibility that in situations where each party member holds fundamentally different views, that the chance of misunderstanding each others view points is heightened even more so than your average misunderstandings induced by not understanding a concept or interpreting the person incorrectly. Since there's a fundamental difference, people will often initially be closed off to the other view points, believing that it doesn't make sense at all for the other person to place importance on that particular position. Questions like: Why is this view point irrelevant to them, but important to me? and vice versa seem like such important questions that have value.

Actually this is something I've observed slightly in my relationship so far. My partner doesn't like it when I play the devil's advocate when discussing ideas with her. Sometimes what I see as just basic questioning because I'm just interested in how things work, can come across as offensive attacking as if I were searching for someone to blame (Perhaps this is a Ti-Fi difference). I hope that is not how it comes across here as well.
 

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You definitely have a point there.

Hmm. I'm just wondering if there's any possibility that in situations where each party member holds fundamentally different views, that the chance of misunderstanding each others view points is heightened even more so than your average misunderstandings induced by not understanding a concept or interpreting the person incorrectly. Since there's a fundamental difference, people will often initially be closed off to the other view points, believing that it doesn't make sense at all for the other person to place importance on that particular position. Questions like: Why is this view point irrelevant to them, but important to me? and vice versa seem like such important questions that have value.
I'm sure this does happen, probably quite a lot. It really depends what you are arguing about and who you are arguing with. When I'm debating with people (as opposed to arguing, ie trying to keep it calm and logical) I do find that people with different fundamental beliefs are very keen to misunderstand me. I often stop in a debate to say 'look, we're talking about completely different things here because we both have different beliefs - this is a miscommunication' and try to sort it out. However with my husband, that isn't such an issue. We don't usually misunderstand each other because we know each other so well; instead we just argue about who is right and why the other person is wrong, and our differing fundamental viewpoints make it very difficult to bring each other round.

Actually this is something I've observed slightly in my relationship so far. My partner doesn't like it when I play the devil's advocate when discussing ideas with her. Sometimes what I see as just basic questioning because I'm just interested in how things work, can come across as offensive attacking as if I were searching for someone to blame (Perhaps this is a Ti-Fi difference). I hope that is not how it comes across here as well.
I am an INTJ, so I often like to debate ideas and play devil's advocate, so I can't really speak for a 'typical' E9 in this case. I don't see debate as 'conflict' unless it gets too emotional/personal. The reaction to conflict is also different for 9w1s and 9w8s (9w1s being more conflict-avoidant).
 

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This is an interesting question to me, because I haven't fully resolved this in my own mind just yet.

First of all, I love having good debates, but only so long as both people know it is in good fun, and neither side gets extremely personally attached to or defensive of their own side. (Normally this just means being able to see the other person enjoying it, or them stating that they are enjoying the argument as well.)

On the other hand, I can't stand people being unreasonably critical of me, or aggressive. I normally react by shutting down, and going cold. After the fact I prefer to bring it up and discuss it. It's easier to regain peace by dealing with the issue than letting it smoulder.
 

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(not a nine)

If I'm in the wrong and I know it, I apologize.

If the other person is in the wrong, my response depends on A. how well I like them, B. the subject of disagreement, and C. how willing I am to keep the relationship alive despite the disagreement.

If I want to keep the relationship, I will usually take some space to calm down and then reapproach the person from the point that we've moved on. If they bring it up again (to try and resolve it verbally), I tell them they can either get steamrollered or drop the point.
 

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Find a happy place.

Actually, no, I simply refuse to argue in the first place. How I perceive things;

Debate: Discussion with alternate views being thrown back and forth.

Argument: A heated discussion with emotions being thrown at each other.

I love debate, even on emotional topics because there is this need to hear the other person in order to counter them, an argument doesn't need that and frankly it gets in the way.

If someone tries to argue with me they'll find me debating them, calming them, clarifying what they're saying. Or if they're not receptive, walking away.

But on your question of who is in the wrong: I don't care, I can be misguided, the other person can be, we both can be, I don't place a huge amount of ego on being correct (don't tell me I'm wrong though!) and have plenty of doubt in my stance on most things, the thing that bothers me the most is the disruption of peace, the inability to have different views and accept that everyone does in life, on every topic and different does not equal wrong in many situations.
 
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In a relationship (my partner is quite direct on things):
If the opinion (or feeling) is being 'thrown' to me, I usually say nothing or give a reply that gets 'rid' of the argument (a hidden 'yes yes, h your're right, just shut up and walk along'). At my own (I retreat), I will rethink the whole discussion (like a movie) and try to figure out for myself what I feel and why I feel it.
Afterwards I try to talk it through in a calm way. Giving opinions to each other. It doesn't mean that we always agree finally, but we had our say. Depending on what was going on, I say sorry or I'll just express my thoughts. Could be even that I hide my opinion sometimes, because I think someone else is right :), while in fact there was no 'right' or 'wrong', just 2 point of view.
 

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For me, it depends on who the argument is with. With most people, I just want to go back to how things were before, so I end up completely ignoring the explosion and pretending it never happened. I will usually resolve it in my own way. Much to the dismay of those who want to talk it all out. Sometimes I feel like everything is my fault and should be dealt with by me. Doesn't mean what happened is festering inside me or anything.

With a significant other, I try to handle it up front, usually by apologizing for the explosion and trying to talk out the problem and get to a resolution. Or this is what I'm trying because I think it's a lot healthier this way. After the resolution, I will try to re-establish intimacy usually by cuddling.
I'm pretty sure now that my father is a Type 9 (I suspected already though).
Also interesting that this is the complete opposite of how I handle things. Type 9 is I think the type I can find the least in myself.

A way to ignore what happened (that type 9's do I think) is by simplifying and ignoring the importance/impact of (not really ignoring, but not wanting to feel it or to be confronted by it) a problem.

I go/look under the (peaceful, familiar, balanced, predictable) surface even when it's - apparently - dark, unfamiliar and chaotic there. I even like to be there.
 
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After I explain the why of why we are arguing, and know they can at least see where i'm coming from, I drop it.
 
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