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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I want a thread about breaking up. I'll add more but I think it would be good to have an all purpose thread where people can express their thoughts and discuss what they think is appropriate break up etiquette.

Example:


Up to 2 weeks I think it's okay to "disappear"


I don't think text is ever okay. I've done email because you can express way more than text, but this is NOT the ideal. I've done it under special circumstances.


Best line to break up but keeping the door open respectfully is "I don't think this works for me now. I'm not saying it couldn't work but it's just not working now" - timing, behavior you don't like etc.




So really. This can be an all purpose thread with break up lines/scripts, ideas how to be tactful, things to avoid etc.


I hope others might agree this would be an awesome and useful addition to the S&R forum :kitteh:
 

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I think in most civil cases being tactfully direct works best.

Theres cases where nutty people do not take no for an answer. You may have to threaten extortion (I kid). Fake a death (I kid). No these kinds of people that dont accept no for an answer need to be reminded of boundaries and if they cross a line again, you will tell everyone how crazy they are (usually if you threaten someones image they leave you alone I have found if they were otherwise not accepting no).

Last guy I dated was a while back now but that dude had a serious issue with accepting no, thats where I loose my nice face and get mean. If someone cant respect my feelings as a human being they dont respect me and need to be taught to respect boundaries.

Aside from crazies, most people accept tactful directness. I would say in person short sweet no bs to the point is always the polite approach. OMG people dont use that "its not you its me line" Just say your not compatible peopl,e usually works best. If you appeal to someone deserving their full potential and avoid bringing their faults that always helps (you save the faults for later to explain to a crazy-I kid)
 

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I honestly don't respect people that "break up" with their significant others without mutual consent. If there's violence, or abuse, I get it - leave immediately, and never look back.

But most people aren't in abusive relationships - they're in unhappy ones, and instead of just telling the person upfront "Hey, I don think this is working out, do you want to break up?", they bullshit their way out of the relationship.

This saddens me, because this mindset isn't helpful when building a strong partnership.

I dont date people that dump.


My only breakup rule is that it is consensual, within reason.

Meaning, if I dont want to be with my partner any longer, and they need time to emotionally heal, or get closure, or is afraid of being alone, I'll give them regular sex, and companionship until they're emotionally stable again. I personally don't feel that it's right to leave a person in worse shape than when you met them.

That's a rule of mine, that so far I haven't broken.

Sadly, not everyone is as kind as I am.
 
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I have only been through two break ups. Both were with long term partners. I don't really want to discuss the first one since I was only 20 and an idiot back then.

Though my latest happened almost three months ago. We still talk and see each other at least once a week. Though the amount we talk and how long we spend together in person is decreasing.

But you know, the circumstances of the break up are actually what is most important. My ex and I were together 4.5 years. The reason we broke up is because things just fizzled out. It was clear our interests and life goals were not compatible for marriage but we functioned very well as intimate friends. So there were no hard feelings and we were on the same page. So the idea is that we will slowly phase out. We aren't ignoring each other or going cold turkey. Only because that seemed very harsh considering how long we were together and how close to marriage we got.

I think it's going well because I am enjoying my time alone and not interested in rushing into a new relationship to replace him. And talking less and just seeing each other less feels more natural.... And I still like and respect him. There is closure.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I think anything over 3 dates deserves in person (unless the person is seemingly mutually just as disinterested)

What about that rule? I think that's reasonable.
 
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I try to give the most thorough breakup possible, to leave room for closure and also to show respect. I'll say something like, "I don't think this relationship is working and here is why." I'll explain to them the problems I have, and give them a chance to respond. If they say, "I understand and I think we can work through this. I want to keep trying," then I'll sometimes stay an extra week or so just to see if there's a chance. More often I'll just calmly explain that I don't think these issues can be resolved.

If they start yelling at me, swearing, etc. then I know it's just totally over and I have to cut off contact with them. If I've already given them a chance and they failed to fix the problem, the same thing applies.

Sometimes emotions get high, of course, and there will be some times when I literally just run out of the room screaming at them. But I would never break up with someone via text or even a phone call unless for some reason we were physically separated or I didn't feel comfortable/safe around them at the time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I try to give the most thorough breakup possible, to leave room for closure and also to show respect. I'll say something like, "I don't think this relationship is working and here is why." I'll explain to them the problems I have, and give them a chance to respond. If they say, "I understand and I think we can work through this. I want to keep trying," then I'll sometimes stay an extra week or so just to see if there's a chance. More often I'll just calmly explain that I don't think these issues can be resolved.

If they start yelling at me, swearing, etc. then I know it's just totally over and I have to cut off contact with them. If I've already given them a chance and they failed to fix the problem, the same thing applies.

Sometimes emotions get high, of course, and there will be some times when I literally just run out of the room screaming at them. But I would never break up with someone via text or even a phone call unless for some reason we were physically separated or I didn't feel comfortable/safe around them at the time.


Ugh.. I wish I did just that. I didn't have the heart to let it linger or be thorough.


We need some go to scripts and rules!! Lol!!


Like. If you're gonna break up with someone who pays for all the dates (I don't ask, he just chooses that) how awkward is that! So then what? Text or email? Awkward meet up to "talk". Ugh. I hate the,"we have to talk " thing. I get anxiety prepping a speech in my head. I need go to scripts to make life easier :tongue:
 
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Ugh.. I wish I did just that. I didn't have the heart to let it linger or be thorough.


We need some go to scripts and rules!! Lol!!


Like. If you're gonna break up with someone who pays for all the dates (I don't ask, he just chooses that) how awkward is that! So then what? Text or email? Awkward meet up to "talk". Ugh. I hate the,"we have to talk " thing. I get anxiety prepping a speech in my head. I need go to scripts to make life easier :tongue:
I think there's something in between lingering and being thorough.

I dated someone briefly who was much more financially invested in the relationship than I was. It was very awkward, lol. He paid for plane tickets and then hotels twice to visit me. It wasn't a huge investment for him though given his income and lifestyle (reward points and what not) but it did make me feel extra guilty about the talk (though I would have felt guiltier staying with him out of a sense of obligation).

I honestly just tried to not sneak attack him with it. Spent a day or so alluding to it through body language and general attentiveness, and then absolutely insisted that he let me buy him brunch. It put the ball in my court in several ways, which he picked up on. We actually didn't even really need to have "the talk" because he more or less knew at that point. Returned my gestures to see if he was met with reassurance and wasn't. He contacted me a couple weeks afterwards, and I politely confirmed his suspicions without going into detail. He was being more or less respectful, so I didn't see the need in not returning that. Besides, sometimes that just perpetuates the whole thing. It can create that emotional passionate dynamic that all sorts of motivations can be projected onto, and then the person is less likely to believe that it's really over. Likewise, a "thorough" debunk of the relationship can spark hot debate that reopens doors too I think.
 

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Don't really use scripts very often as an adult. I tend to end my relationships by phone call rather in person to dissuade any attempts to reconcile. For example, my last relationship ended because she wanted to get married and I didn't. I called her up when I knew she would be home and detailed exactly why the relationship was ending. In this case, she didn't get too emotionally distraught because we had a similar conversation in person not long before as kind of a lead-in. I don't know how she really felt about the break up because we haven't spoken since but from the grapevine I hear only positive things about me. Only advice I give which I follow myself is not avoiding the person aka ghosting, cheating while trying to get caught, and the dear john letter via email or text. Don't do any of that and you'll be good.
 

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Do it in person (unless the person you're breaking up with is dangerous) and cut off completely. Don't give them false hope. Mutual breakup is rare. Often times one party is still infatuated with the other to think rationally.
 

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So...if you go out on several dates with someone, but just as friends, do you think it's okay to just not call them again? Or reply to them? Even if it has nothing to do with them or is there fault or anything? If it's lasted longer than two weeks, then disappearing is not a good option, right?

As far as breaking up actual, established friendships or relationships, I have always communicated about it. I think I'd appreciate it as well, to at least know where the other person is coming from and why they decided they did not want to be in a relationship together anymore. (With one relationship though, I didn't communicate verbally right away because I was afraid of him. But eventually he opened dialogue and I encouraged him to move on, and talked to him honestly. I just wasn't sure that he could handle the reasons why I couldn't be with him, as he was so defensive and aggressive.)

Edit: With my ex, I am open to talking with him whenever he needs to talk about what happened with us, honestly. We have several times, sometimes years after being broken up. I just think of it as courtesy and respectful behavior, if safe.

I think that honest and respectful communication is a winner in most situations.
 

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I want a thread about breaking up. I'll add more but I think it would be good to have an all purpose thread where people can express their thoughts and discuss what they think is appropriate break up etiquette.

Example:


Up to 2 weeks I think it's okay to "disappear"


I don't think text is ever okay. I've done email because you can express way more than text, but this is NOT the ideal. I've done it under special circumstances.


Best line to break up but keeping the door open respectfully is "I don't think this works for me now. I'm not saying it couldn't work but it's just not working now" - timing, behavior you don't like etc.




So really. This can be an all purpose thread with break up lines/scripts, ideas how to be tactful, things to avoid etc.


I hope others might agree this would be an awesome and useful addition to the S&R forum :kitteh:
I never bin in love/real love relation , more like allot of 1 night adventures .
But considering the quistion askt , i think i would just pick my bags and walk out of her life diving under the radar , disapearing completly to pop up somewhere els to start over whit my life while leaving a note in wich i appoligias for leaving saying its not her fault but mine that im not good enaf to be whit her and that there a far more better dudes than i to be whit and that i whis her and her future spous all the happynes there can be along whit 1 red rose
 
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