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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
The reason I want to be an ENFP is because I want to learn how to be kind. Yes its silly but I've noticed a pattern in my life that I constantly look for things to improve, maybe its my INTP-ness. I look for things that can be changed just a wee-little-bit so it can become perfect. And this way I go about in social situations too.
(Example: girl is with me, instead of being thankful for the fact that she's with me, I'm searching for things that she is lacking.)

So I want to find a way to reprogram my mind. I'm 33, maybe if I practice this for the next seven years I'll be a decent human being by the time I'm 40...

Any books or techniques you guys can suggest will be great. Also asked here: http://personalitycafe.com/intp-forum-thinkers/525841-how-practice-kindness.html but I suspect ENFPs will have a different response.
 

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I'm going to take a leap here, because you haven't given us much to go on. You've mentioned a lack of kindness, and a skill for faultfinding, which leads me to believe that you often criticize others. And in my experience people who habitually criticize others do so because they're unsatisfied with their own life, you feel the need to bring others down to your own perceived low level of functioning, instead of working on your sense of self-worth. Which would mean kindness isn't the issue, your self-esteem is.

I mean, dude, people who love themselves look for the good in others. So, yeah.. tell us, why don't you love yourself?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I'm going to take a leap here, because you haven't given us much to go on. You've mentioned a lack of kindness, and a skill for faultfinding, which leads me to believe that you often criticize others. And in my experience people who habitually criticize others do so because they're unsatisfied with their own life, you feel the need to bring others down to your own perceived low level of functioning, instead of working on your sense of self-worth. Which would mean kindness isn't the issue, your self-esteem is.

I mean, dude, people who love themselves look for the good in others. So, yeah.. tell us, why don't you love yourself?
you have a point. What I don't like about myself is that I'm not free. For example, this one girl I liked went back to Belgium but in couldn't obtain the necessary paperwork to go visit her because I'm not a Canadian citizen. In the meantime she got a new boyfriend.

But I'm unhappy because I'm not really free, from this world, from the problem of being a human, with a body that changes with time, with a mind that wanders, being subject to outside changes in the world etc.
 

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Simple tips to be nice:

"If you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!"

If you find yourself in a situation where you have to say something or "need" to give criticism make it "constructive" and then highlight the good points "last" because that's the last thing the person will remember and recall to about what you said about them.

Another tip, treat others how you would prefer to be treated, before saying something, say it to yourself and question "would I like that said to me?"

Focus on what a person does have, and what you have around you already that you can appreciate rather than looking for more and more, creating an internal hunger for perfection in others which is causing you to feel the way you do. (I have a little article here if it interests you on that point The little things... by EccentricMatthew on DeviantArt)

And of course last but not least, be a Canadian, if something you said hurt someone, apologise in a meaningful manner then learn from that mistake!

We dont need to change our MBTI, just handle any negative aspects as best we can. I myself have been trying to be quieter and a little more introverted because my high energy and extroversion sometimes grates a little on someone I care for deeply, sometimes so much it makes me cringe reading back on our skype messages with just how spamy and clingy I can act at times with her, so nobody is perfect, its just making the effort for self improvement ^^.

Dont be too harsh on yourself, the very fact that you want to improve your nature, is a sign of a good heart that lies within you. :)
 

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Being kind like being happy is a choice, so you can just as easily wake up everyday and say to yourself, today I will practice kindness. We can't allow our type as an excuse for not being kind, or for knocking others down.

Every INTP I know is super sweet and kind, they wouldn't harm a bug. They don't think themselves as superior beings and will help everyone in need. Maybe this has something to do with your upbringing, as type has nothing to do with your morals and values, what you deem as good/bad/right or wrong. Best of luck, keep working on yourself, go out of your way today and be kind to one person, over time it will become a habit and you will feel much inner peace and happiness.
 
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There isn't anything inherently bad or wrong about judging things -- it's a very natural thing that everyone does. I can assure you that ENFPs can have strong judgments and can sometimes act on them in "unkind" ways. You identify as an Sx5 and people of that particular subtype often have very high standards for their significant others and can be quite critical in relationships. I think Beatrice Chestnut describes the psychology of this subtype well in her book.

An awareness of how things can be improved can actually be a very beneficial skill when applied appropriately -- it's how you respond to the judgment that matters. If it's a judgment that can't be acted on positively at the moment, you can just observe it, then let it go and re-focus on the present in a neutral way, e.g., what color is the girl's shirt? You'll probably start to find that judgments tend to go away on their own without you having to dwell on them or "do" something about them.

I recommended mindfulness meditation in another recent post and I may start sounding like a broken record, but if you haven't already, I'd suggest looking into books on the topic. I really like the way Jon Kabat-Zinn discusses these issues. Also, Loving-Kindness is another form of meditation that helps you grow a sense of compassion for others -- Sharon Salzberg is an author I would recommend.
 

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When you talk about picking flaws in women- I think 95% of guys in the world do that. You just have to try to learn to dismiss that as your stupid male programming playing with your head.

Generally when I try to affect a positive change in my life, I find that there are three stages:
1. Behaviour. You have to DO the things you want to become like. At first they feel unnatural, but that is normal. In your case, trying to be kinder is relatively easy.. just.. make sure your actions are kind.
2. Talk about yourself with the new quality. The most important part of changing your self-identity is talking it out with others. Talk to others about occasions when you feel empathy toward others, and it'll help your brain re-identify yourself.
3. Keep doing it, and over time you will change.

I've started weight training since the new year, and on a day-to-day basis it feels like I'm not changing at all.. but I know I've changed a lot if I compare myself to the very beginning. You're right, it will be years before you start to feel natural in your new skin, but it'll get easier and easier as time goes by.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
There isn't anything inherently bad or wrong about judging things -- it's a very natural thing that everyone does. I can assure you that ENFPs can have strong judgments and can sometimes act on them in "unkind" ways. You identify as an Sx5 and people of that particular subtype often have very high standards for their significant others and can be quite critical in relationships. I think Beatrice Chestnut describes the psychology of this subtype well in her book.

An awareness of how things can be improved can actually be a very beneficial skill when applied appropriately -- it's how you respond to the judgment that matters. If it's a judgment that can't be acted on positively at the moment, you can just observe it, then let it go and re-focus on the present in a neutral way, e.g., what color is the girl's shirt? You'll probably start to find that judgments tend to go away on their own without you having to dwell on them or "do" something about them.

I recommended mindfulness meditation in another recent post and I may start sounding like a broken record, but if you haven't already, I'd suggest looking into books on the topic. I really like the way Jon Kabat-Zinn discusses these issues. Also, Loving-Kindness is another form of meditation that helps you grow a sense of compassion for others -- Sharon Salzberg is an author I would recommend.
Thank you. This helps. Although I've not been verbally critical with any of my S/O's in the past, my only wish was that they'd understand me, and thats a tall order given how complicated people like me can be.

The forgiving part comes into play when I get hurt and give them another chance, but its never visible outside because I keep it bottled up. So to them, nothing ever happened, but to me it builds up and in the end becomes too much to take. And I guess that part of me is what I'm trying to overcome.

Thanks for your support, everyone in this forum. Its surprising that being 33 I haven't figured out so much in life, so maybe you can see it as an example of how people continue to have personal challenges even when they're mature.

If you can suggest any books on studying up about relationships then it'll be great.
 

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Thank you. This helps. Although I've not been verbally critical with any of my S/O's in the past, my only wish was that they'd understand me, and thats a tall order given how complicated people like me can be.

The forgiving part comes into play when I get hurt and give them another chance, but its never visible outside because I keep it bottled up. So to them, nothing ever happened, but to me it builds up and in the end becomes too much to take. And I guess that part of me is what I'm trying to overcome.

Thanks for your support, everyone in this forum. Its surprising that being 33 I haven't figured out so much in life, so maybe you can see it as an example of how people continue to have personal challenges even when they're mature.

If you can suggest any books on studying up about relationships then it'll be great.
Hey, 5w4, have you considered that withdrawing to learn more, while feeling some amount of suffering but also valuable uniqueness about your isolation is not an INTP thing, but a 5w4 thing?

These sweet butterfly ENFPs are perfect (hush, you guys are), but they're also all manner of Enneagrams. I'm a 3w2, I'm all up on that change work stuff.

Research Neuro Linguistic Programming, perhaps consider going to a hypnotherapist, but don't take up learning it until you have some NLP changework fully under your belt, so to speak.

School of Youtube, my friend, do some research, and see if it appeals to you. :)
 

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The reason I want to be an ENFP is because I want to learn how to be kind. Yes its silly but I've noticed a pattern in my life that I constantly look for things to improve, maybe its my INTP-ness. I look for things that can be changed just a wee-little-bit so it can become perfect. And this way I go about in social situations too.
(Example: girl is with me, instead of being thankful for the fact that she's with me, I'm searching for things that she is lacking.)

So I want to find a way to reprogram my mind. I'm 33, maybe if I practice this for the next seven years I'll be a decent human being by the time I'm 40...

Any books or techniques you guys can suggest will be great. Also asked here: http://personalitycafe.com/intp-forum-thinkers/525841-how-practice-kindness.html but I suspect ENFPs will have a different response.
I'm always kind of baffled that NT types almost never see the downright logical and in plain sight appropriated answer to their questions :p Make me want to shake my head in a cute way

See, its all in your sentence. Instead of "searching for things that she is lacking" you could write that shit down as "Im searchin for things that I can complement her with and actin on so she's more mindful"

Wasn't complicated right ? and that's actually kind and considerate. Even more so if you recognize things you re lackin that she does have. its amazing how changing some words actually modify the whole perception of one's motives

There's nothing wrong at showin your love / kindness with actions rather than words of affirmation btw, but you gotta communicate and make her understand that.
 
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