[This is me(?!)]
I am an INFP. There's just no doubt in my mind/heart. The guilt trips, the rush of feelings, the melancholy, the empathy... But as my test said, I'm not a "strong" INFP. None of my letters have more than a 50% presence. Also when I'm not directly involved emotionally in a situation or when I'm not out of balance myself I tend to play other parts.
[Heads or Tails - Is the coin on the edge?]
I feel/think/know I...
- have been fed emotions, feelings, problems and thoughts like a human junkyard since before I had the chance to develop my own
- have a constant fear that I let the wrong thing slip, in the wrong crowd or to the wrong people
- sometimes like I'm a computer with a virus called feelings and my CPU is running slow because there's too much data to process when it comes to practical, simple and direct
- sometimes/often (seem like) I lose sight of the starting point of a thought string
- sometimes play feelers like an INTX does
- Sometimes blow thinkers logic based reality to smithereens
- Have only gotten started, when others worn out
- am no good with Dom females.
- am fine with Dom males
- could continue adding to this list indefinitely
[Worst Case Scenarios]
[What I FEEL I do to THINKERS]
Sometimes I think I'm being a lighthouse guiding the ships safely to their
destination, when I suddenly realize that I'm closer to a siren making them crash. Leaving them to drown while watching them with a mixture of shame and also annoyance, because they followed my voice without taking notice of where they were going.
[What I THINK I do to FEELERS]
I'm like a will o' wisp in a swamp slowly slowly making them stray from their paths
and luring them further and further into an all engulfing swamp. I barely notice how far I've taken them before it's too late and I can't help them free, because I'm incorporeal to them...
I could make plenty more examples and metaphors. The facts right now is that my N is the only thing that is hitting 50%, the rest is below. My P is the least strong. Which makes sense (to me) considering that I've been surrounded by Js most of my life.
The template (Background summarized)
Dad ISTJ (Temp. Fact) + Mom ENFJ (Temp. Fact) (separated since I was 9-11)
Sister 1: INFJ'ish Mid 30s (halfsister, lived with us till I was about 5, 11 years older)
Sister 2: ENTJ'ish 27 (4 years older)
Sister 3: ESTP'ish 22 (1 year younger)
Add a 3 (only 1 of them I lived with till I was 15-16) stepbrothers and a whole bunch of other family members into the mix and you got an idea.
[Meet the Robinsons]
Looking back on my childhood I realize that I've probably been the "minion" of XNXJs in different situations. Especially my mother, who is a rather defined ENFJ. She forced compassion, consideration, altruism down my throat to an extend that I at some point stopped believing I had a personality/purpose other than being someones tool. This (and tons of life circumstances etc.etc.etc.) made me a rather easy target for my ESTP little sister and subsequent to my ENTJ big sister.
[Feeler in the middle - SANDWICH?]
The ENTJ is not a complete narcissist at all, she cares for others, she just rarely sees them through whatever person she's got worshiping her at the time. The ESTP is less considerate than the ENTJ, she needs to be ontop of someone/something. Which is in fact a feeling I can relate to, knowing how it is to be underdog. The ESTP knows that she is no match for the ENTJ and keeps her head low until the ENTJ has gotten what she thinks is rightfully hers. After that the ENTJ don't give a hoot about whoever gets the leftovers tbh. Then the ESTP, snatches the rest and devours it in front of me in a ravenous fashion keeping eyecontact as she does so. After doing so she wanders off as there is nothing more for her to consume.
[The other F's in my life]
My mother believing that the behavior/values/whatever you'd like to call it she crammed down my throat was something she passed onto all her children didn't notice what was going on just beneath her nose - or neither what she was doing herself. My eldest sister is an INFJ (unconfirmed) and we've discussed this many times. However she doesn't feel the need to talk about this as much as I do, of course she has her own life and kids now, she's 11 years older than I am (which is less than how long she's been in therapy as an adult) and can't relate to the whole "sandwich" dynamic that I've experienced with my 2 other sisters. However she recognizes the feeling of getting forced guilt down her throat and having to take care/think about other people than yourself all the freaking time. I recall first time I went to live with INFJ for a couple of months, I was 14-15. She brought me to a supermarket and said to me "Have a go at it Femmefatale, pick anything you like!". I looked around me at all the shelves loaded with foods of all kinds and realized that I had no idea what kind of food I liked to eat. I felt empty. Anyway... enough about my family background.
[Flexplicitly: Explicit examples of feelings/perception]
If I'm in good spirits I can become rather bizarre and say things that I read in other peoples reactions to either be
a1) Too complex/confusing for them
b1) Seem to be of no relevance to them in given situation
c1) come of too optimistic/pessimistic (naive/cynic etc.etc.etc.)
d1) You get the point, I could continue until the alphabet had run out of letters!
Normally "their" reaction is somehow to get out of/on with it without acknowledging my question. Unfortunately it's usually not the way you are supposed to go about it with me. (this has just recently been confirmed to be an almost fact) I need a clean cut. Brutal almost, at least if you can't do it any other way. I find it to be rude (and much more unpleasant) when people:
a2) change subject without telling that is what they do
b2) pretend they understand (pretty obvious if I've asked a question about their opinions and they nod and say "mhmm sure")
c2) Just let me talk to them and act as if they are listening/interested when they are long gone into their own minds :S
d2) <Insert d1>
I do realize that I carry/am at fault for a huge pile of the blame. I do also realize that this is mostly just about me with very little nuances, but it has been the other way around for most of my life. I had a whole part about my INFJ sister, but chose to cut it out because I'd rather post that somewhere else some other time if it ever got relevant for venting purposes - I don't want to discuss her life purely for discussion purposes, I don't want to do that with my ESTP sister either. She's like a black hole.... sucking money, gifts, effort, time, whatever else she can take out of my mother, dad, stepdad and whoever lets her do so. I'm mostly worried about her.. and what I might have to do for not getting dragged down with her
But I have her and my other family members well-being in mind/heart all the time. Scouts honor!
I am currently trying to get the tools I need to be able to stop myself and realize when people are just/mostly being polite (like my ENFP (unconfirmed) friend and my ISTJ father). Or when I just need to butt the hell out and not even start considering how I could help people in their current situations/stages of life etc.etc.etc. Luckily I'm getting outside help. Using a fork to carve a knife is not very efficient, nor likely unless you are very patient! XD
[Question - Thoughts/Judgement?]
- Do I belong anywhere really?
- Does I seem like an INFP?
- What/who am I? (mostly meant in jest)
- Does this sound like legit feelings or forced logic, something in the middle?
- Anything really?