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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I'm having the hardest time trying to figure which I am. Here is some info that should help:

I've had Dysthymia since 2005, with two extended periods of Major/Double Depression; once in 2008, and again this year. So the last time I was in a mentally neutral/healthy state was when I was 15. I'm 24 now.

The triggers for Double Depression were 2 failed friendships during each year with a girl I was very emotionally invested in. I wanted at least a good friendship, or ultimately a relationship, but after confessing my feelings they cut off all communication with me, which was very emotionally traumatic for me.

The Dysthymia stems from an unbalance of more traumatic experiences than positive ones, and a grim view of my society, in which I don't feel I belong, nor want to be a part of. I envision a near perfect world free from injustices and "wage slavery", and don't wish to play the game of life that everyone else is playing (9-5 Job, Work, Eat, Sleep, 5 days a week to pay off a mortgage debt until retirement). So I'm very rebellious against societal norms. It's driven me to having a goal of living a very minimalist lifestyle in an off-grid homestead somewhere; living either fully self sustained or partially with a part time job.

I have strong interests in Philosophy, Spirituality, and experiences with psychedelic drugs, lucid dreaming, or altered states of conscious in general. Those are my passions. I am a very deep thinker, but am horrible at putting my thoughts and ideas into action/reality; I'm a terrible procrastinator, preferring to stay in my head because there are no limitations to thought & imagination; so I feel totally free there, whereas in reality I feel constrained by society, laws, cultures, criticism, judgement, survival, my body etc. I do love decorating though, working with already created objects, and arranging them in way that is visually appealing to me. I'm good with aesthetics.

My ultimate desire since late childhood is to one day be in a passionate relationship with a woman. Connecting with both mind, body, and soul. Sharing experiences together side by side and being there for each other both emotionally, intellectually, and physically during our journey through life. Everything else in life pales in comparison to this one simple desire. I've never been in a relationship, nor had any sexual experience of any kind so that's why I've become so sensitive to rejection and abandonment.

At the end of this post is also something I wrote a few weeks ago when I was on the verge of wanting to commit suicide. I posted this here in the INFP forum and on a Type 4 Facebook group. In the facebook group a lot of them said I may be a 5 mistyped as a 4.

Well I hope with this information some of you can help me figure out what Enneagram Type/Wing I really am, and perhaps maybe even my instinctual variants. Also feel free to ask any questions, and I will answer. I'm VERY open; so I'll answer any question asked. Thanks!

This is an open letter to myself, and to whomever wishes to read it.

My name is Sean, I'm 24, I have been living the past 2,555 days in my room; literally. I no longer desire to be alive.

I have come to the conclusion that my psyche has become damaged after living in almost daily total isolation since the age of 17. My daily routine has mostly consisted of studying various topics of interest, listening to and collecting a broad range of different types of music, connecting/socializing with other human beings on the internet through use of forums, facebook groups, and online video games. My method of dealing with the Major Depression I've had for 10 years is Porn and Masturbation. I discovered edging, a method of masturbation that prolongs the intense euphoria for hours, I would do this for 6+ hours a few times each week. This is my only means of feeling pleasure, happiness, and emotional relief. I fear this has numbed my pleasure response to all other activities outside of porn and masturbation.

I have been enabled by my father, I have been provided food and shelter without having to earn it. Living this way for so long, the idea of having to use my body to obtain these basic necessities of life scares me. But most importantly even if I were able to obtain these things on my own, I would still be living the same life, only I would have to be doing something I do not wish to do in order to obtain it. A job.

I have a very narrow range of interests. Mostly obtaining knowledge, listening to new music, and orgasm. My interests do not require a full physical body, only a brain/consciousness. You see now why I have no desire to work, obtain money, self-sufficiency, etc.

I have stripped my human existence down to it's very core, and that is all I know of now. Beyond reward & pleasure, human life is meaningless. We are just an organism like any other, only we have emotion, and self awareness.

My name is Sean, I'm 24, I am a damaged psyche, that can only remember traumatic experience. This is all I know. Rejection, Abandonment, Neglect, Humiliation, Heartache, Heartbreak, Emotional Abuse, Fear, Anxiety.

Today I have become aware of my fate, and long await the day of my demise, and hopefully my rebirth into a world without physical limitation of my human body. Starvation is the way I would like to leave this place, but I am only living for my loved ones right now (Mother, Sister, My Dog). As long as they live I will go wherever life takes me, like a feather in the wind; literally.
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