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Hi, I'm a twenty year old guy. I'm an INTP (possible ENTP) and I may have narcissitic personality disorder. Although I am a much happier and nicer person than I used to be, recent events have caused me to question myself.

Before I get into said recent events, here is a bit of background about me. My parents were emotionally abusive (more so my Dad) and were alcoholics. It was a very unstable childhood, constantly being told that I was better than everyone else around me and also being told I was useless and a disapointment and them not wishing I was born. My relationship with my parents is much better than it used to be, but it's still rather dysfunctional.

I was also abused emotionally and sexually by my nieghbour who was the same age being told I had to perform sexual acts with him or else he'd hit me with a metal stick.

None of this bothered me, but in my teenage years I was very arrogant and narcissitic. I called myself a god and used to bully my friend group to show my "dominance". I met a girl in school when I was 15 and fell in love with her. This girl (I'll call her Jane for the purpose of this story) wasn't mentally healthy herself. She suffered from depression and had suicidal tendencies - I became determined to make her happy in life but it lead to me to think about my own childhood and I became depressed myself. I no longer bullied my friends but switched to becoming a loner and submissive. It made it worse that Jane never loved me back (that's not to say she didn't have feelings for me, we called each other soul mates and she may have been a lesbian. In later years she allowed older guys to use her sexually). I couldn't blame her, by this point I became needy and did everything I could to impress her.

We went to different colleges and after a year and half of depression I started to work on myself. I studied psychology, social dynamics and philosophy in my own time. I learnt how to be more social (and less awkward), how to be happy and confident and so on. During my recovery process, me and Jane spoke less and less. She eventually came round my house and we started kissing and other stuff but I broke down, my sad emotions coming out and saying how I wanted a relationship with her. This in turn lead to her breaking down and I ended up taking her home. After that we we hardly spoke and I haven't seen her since (that was age 18). I hated myself for a long time for that happening, but I have learnt from the experience.

When I finally became a properly happy person, I became more popular and started attracting girls. My friends now see me as wise and often ask me for advise (whether it be to analyse a situation they are in, or how to develop themselves as individuals). I am known for my wisedom, creativity, insight and confidence. Although I can come across a arrogant at times, I believe this comes from my deep routed belief that I am better than everyone else. I am still working on this, but it still slips out now and then.

Anyway, to the recent events; I went to a party a number of months ago and one of Jane's bestfriends were there (Mary). Mary also went to the same school but I don't think she every knew about me and Jane's strange relationship (or knew very little). Mary wasn't single but I started talking to her a lot and we ended up making out (after a number of drinks) that night until her boyfriend picked her up. It should be noted that Mary is my good friend (Tom's) ex girlfriend. Tom was also at this party and although he never said anything, based on how much he still speaks about her, I don't think he ever got over her.

A few months later I went to another party. I was with a friend of mine, who I have quite a bit of chemistry with (Kate). At this party, two of Jane's bestfriends were there; Mary and Gemma. Initially I didn't speak to them and we stuck to our own friend groups but after a few drinks I spoke to Mary. I found out Mary was no longer going out with her boyfriend and was down (I remember from my conversations with Jane that both Mary and Gemma have depression). We made out for a little bit (I don't really remember this, due to the alcohol) but Kate saw lipstick on my lips and left (she wanted me to leave as well, but I told her I was staying). Tom was also at this party and he started talking to Mary after this, so I started talking to Gemma. We went to an after party and I made out with Gemma. The host of the party however once cheated on his current girlfriend with Gemma and the host's girlfriend started crying and the party became a mess. Gemma started crying saying she's ruined everything, and so I gave her my coat and gave her encouragement. Gemma, Mary, Tom and I then got an awkward taxi ride back together and we parted ways. I haven't seen them since but Gemma started following me on instagram. I'd like to note, that Gemma didn't even realise who I was at the party until I told her and she commented about how much I've changed, she also briefly mentioned Jane nonchantly (I could tell through body language she was gauging my reaction but I played it indifferent)

The last time I spoke to Jane was in Feburary. I changed my phone number in april and I never told Jane what it was. She used to like my stuff on facebook but that soon stopped (I never invited her to my 20th birthday party, and she may have tried to text me but since I never gave her my new number I wouldn't have replied). Well today, she uploaded something on facebook and I commented (along with Gemma and Mary). She replied to my comment happily and liked my following comment. I have got this software which can check how much people go on your facebook profile and since doing that, Jane, Mary and Gemma all reached top 5.

Am I playing them? I'm finding the whole thing quite amusing. Part of me misses Jane as we used to be so close, so I want to text her with my new number and things (it'll be interesting if she facebook messages me). But at the same time, part of me associates Jane with depression so I don't want to go down that route. Although I'm attracted to Mary and we got on very well, seeing her get along with Tom so much after that made me not want to interfere any further. Where as I felt strong sexual chemistry with Gemma, and her breaking down crying brought out my white knight instinct which boosted my attraction to her.

10,043 Posts
Fuck man I tried but you lose me at Mary Gemma Kate Tom etc etc.

Anyways I would say based on your age tho and your applying self analysis your not all that bad. What I mean is your human and your learning and growing. Your acknowledging this tendency exists in you and your seeking out to know how and what exists. (Thats actually pretty awesome-MANY people do not try and explore themselves-they try and evade by deflecting onto others.

Yeah you wanna stay away from the white knight mentality tho it is a source of validation and insecurity and can be abused or used wrong to try and control or manipulate. Your young so I would not worry but you would not want to get into a pattern of all this. You seem more like your human and learning and growing. Manipulative I think would be if you continued this behavior down the road several years out to get results.
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