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I'm wondering, am I broken . . ?

I'm extremely cynical and distrusting, I think the majority of mankind are worthless pricks who are better off dead, whenever I make friends, I only like that friend, and their friends can go fuck themselves [IE: I'm quite cold to them and will bitch them out if they step out of line.].

Whenever I want to just say "fuck it! let me take the dive and take a real chance with this person!" it's like "Hell fucking no, You sit the fuck down, and you take a shitload of time to get to know them, because you're NOT getting fucked over again."

I hate this... I've had my trust broken many a time... and have been picked on/bullied, I feel worthless to the world, like I'm better off dead, because I'm so fucking broken and horrible.

And yet I continously look for those true friends, those ones that are truly worth it, the ones that truly will always be there for me like I am there for them, and I mean truly there. . . You know, ones that are always there when you need them, and the awesome feeling that you're always there when they need you. The ones that you discuss the fact that you may be connected by soul with. . . I have nobody [in real life], Nobody that knows of my actual struggles and problems, Everyone just sees me as a spoiled, disrespectful, idiot kid. . . What if that is what I am? I wonder, like... am I just lying to myself horribly? I don't fucking know. . ..

I feel like in my current area [New York City] I am quite possibly one of the top 2% smartest/mature individuals [yeah it clashes with what I said before.] but I still feel like a failure. I don't understand this at all.
 
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I completely understand your feelings. It's hard to let yourself get close to people because you take on the risk of them hurting you. And the closer people are the more they can hurt. But you can either take that chance and find someone great or not take the chance and be miserable. So I guess in that respect it is worth it. Its also harder when you feel so much smarter than everyone else though. I wonder if it is possible to have a superiority complex and an inferiority complex at the same time... I have such a need for super close friends in my life but everyone just seems so dense! If anyone comes along that might me a bit smarter than the average person I jump on the chance to form friendship but continue to be very guarded.

I don't think you're broken at all. Just still wounded by how inconsiderate and hurtful many people can be.
 
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You have high standards to protect yourself from getting hurt. It's understandable, I do it too. But as long as you have those walls up, you're never going to stop feeling alone. Even with close friends, it's possible to feel alone. Loneliness is a part of everyone's life, so do what you can with it. Or lower your standards for friendship. It doesn't mean you have to let everyone you speak with into your inner space, but it gives you the opportunity to develop that sort of relationship.
 
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MOTM Dec 2012
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i think we're all broken in some way. it's tougher for us idealists because we don't like to see ourselves as broken. here's an amazing quote by an amazing author for a different perspective...just food for thought

"Time ticks by; we grow older. Before we know it, too much time has passed and we've missed the chance to have had other people hurt us. To a younger me this sounded like luck; to an older me this sounds like a quiet tragedy." - Douglas Coupland
 

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I can definitely relate to all of this. I don't think you're broken, just different.
 

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Cheer up INFPs, you're amazing people. If you're broken, I'm sure someone is there somewhere to fix you. Or at least put you on the right path to feeling complete again. The day you accept yourself, even if you're broken, is the day people will start genuinely accepting you.
 
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