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I have this friend who's a year younger than me. We went to high school together and became really good friends in college. He's probably my best friend. He's always there for me, he listens and encourages me, he values what's important to me. In short, in many ways he's exactly what I'm looking for in a guy, and he's liked me since high school.

However, I'm not excited by the idea of dating him. I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all, but I don't know why. One thing that I think may be a problem for me is that he's never been on a date. He's very shy (an INFP, I think), so although he's been asked out before, he usually says no. I think I'd prefer to be with someone a little more confident in this area. It bothers me that when we go out, he never tries to take my hand or sit close to me; it's as though he's too nervous. I think I would have to initiate everything, from just holding hands to our first kiss.

Sometimes I think I'm being stupid and should just give this relationship a shot. Perhaps once we started seeing each other romantically, things would fall into place and I would find him attractive. But other times I think I should hold out and try to find someone that I can be good friends with AND feel attraction for. Whenever I think, "Just try things with him," I then think, "But there's got to be something better out there!" (Better in terms of a better fit for me, not a better person.) But then, what if there isn't and I'm missing out on something great?

Anyone ever been here? Anyone got any insight that might help me?
 

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I have this friend who's a year younger than me. We went to high school together and became really good friends in college. He's probably my best friend. He's always there for me, he listens and encourages me, he values what's important to me. In short, in many ways he's exactly what I'm looking for in a guy, and he's liked me since high school.

However, I'm not excited by the idea of dating him. I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all, but I don't know why. One thing that I think may be a problem for me is that he's never been on a date. He's very shy (an INFP, I think), so although he's been asked out before, he usually says no. I think I'd prefer to be with someone a little more confident in this area. It bothers me that when we go out, he never tries to take my hand or sit close to me; it's as though he's too nervous. I think I would have to initiate everything, from just holding hands to our first kiss.

Sometimes I think I'm being stupid and should just give this relationship a shot. Perhaps once we started seeing each other romantically, things would fall into place and I would find him attractive. But other times I think I should hold out and try to find someone that I can be good friends with AND feel attraction for. Whenever I think, "Just try things with him," I then think, "But there's got to be something better out there!" (Better in terms of a better fit for me, not a better person.) But then, what if there isn't and I'm missing out on something great?

Anyone ever been here? Anyone got any insight that might help me?
infp?

There you have it.

Initiate, he likely simply doesnt have the guts and doubts himself to his poor infp core.
Considering you're infj you're probably ill suited to it as your jedi mind tricks won't work on him.
 

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Maybe, he his afraid that going any further with you may cause the loss of the close relationship already started.
 

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No, you're not crazy. If you're not attracted, you're not attracted. Sometimes it really is that simple. What you could try to do is give him advice on how to treat a woman... Tell him you're not attracted and explain him why that is. It's really the best thing you can do for 'nice guys'. I for one needed that wake-up call, and I think many guys do. Certain branches of feminism have been promoting an idea that men have to be kinder, more submissive and never take what they want in order to be a person who "respects women", and unfortunately that notion has become somewhat mainstream. The problem is that most women just aren't into that. The vast majority feel attracted to a man who respects them and treats them with dignity, but without feeling the need to deny his masculinity in the process.

Just my two cents.
 

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Probably not easy, but maybe you should just talk about it?

You don't know what (or why) your feelings are (the way they are) and you don't know about his feelings...so...trying to talk about it might be a good solution.
 
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INFP's hate, absolutely despise, initiating. Its a morbid fear that is extremely difficult to erase. It took me three years, and I pretty much became an INFJ in doing so.

I suppose I could tell you with some confidence that you won't be disappointed if you do go for it.

Like SLN said, if you decide not to, you should at least tell him why and that he needs to obtain some confidence, real or fake.
 

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Maybe, he his afraid that going any further with you may cause the loss of the close relationship already started.
That's exactly it.
FEAR!

It's also likely why you're not attracted to him cause noone likes a coward.

But hey if you're feeling selfless you can help him.

He's likely fearful of...

Falling in love.
Losing you.
Being bad in bed.
Loud Noises.
etc etc...

You can boost his confidence level by...

Making Him fall in love,
Not losing him.
Lying to him about his likely horrendous lovemaking skills. - and telling him what you like in that incredible nice infj way.

You can make him a better man.
 

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infp?

There you have it.

Initiate, he likely simply doesnt have the guts and doubts himself to his poor infp core.
Considering you're infj you're probably ill suited to it as your jedi mind tricks won't work on him.
You do make me laugh ENTrePenuer. I'm an INFP (if type confusion is shifted to the sidelines) and usually jedi mind tricks won't work. But I am quite trusting despite scepticism so I'll let one come my way and maybe even let myself believe it until it disagrees with my values and then my mind shuts it off.

But he is right though, I doubt myself to my very core too. When faced with the prospect of a relation I wonder what she even sees in me. I may see things in her but nothing redeemable in myself. I'm afraid of making my move on women, not just because I fear the illusion of NF mystery will fade in a close relationship (her seeing me as the insecure loser I am in reality) but whether I even feel for her in the way I like to convince myself I do. I would hate to lead someone I cared about down the garden path and slam the door in her face as soon as she thought she was happy.

There's also the issue of Fi. There is a slight resistance to displays of affection there. We focus on our internal feelings and as we do, we miss the chance to give a hug.

As for you not being attracted to him, I know the story. Not to sound typist but some people I have spoken to have perceived the INFP as more of a feminine type. Whilst they may not like traditional forms of masculinity the feminine elements in the type may culmulate enough to be of great effect to undermine heterosexual attraction. Plus, nice guys are seen as safe options in many circles. Unfairly perceived as last resorts for some people. Or he may be gay, as vel said.

Why don't you ask him? If you're close enough (and he's INFP) he will tell you his feelings. He may try and avoid the romantic elements but may reveal enough about himself otherwise for you to work with. Thats how I am like anyway.
 

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I have this friend who's a year younger than me. We went to high school together and became really good friends in college. He's probably my best friend. He's always there for me, he listens and encourages me, he values what's important to me. In short, in many ways he's exactly what I'm looking for in a guy, and he's liked me since high school.

However, I'm not excited by the idea of dating him. I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all, but I don't know why. One thing that I think may be a problem for me is that he's never been on a date. He's very shy (an INFP, I think), so although he's been asked out before, he usually says no. I think I'd prefer to be with someone a little more confident in this area. It bothers me that when we go out, he never tries to take my hand or sit close to me; it's as though he's too nervous. I think I would have to initiate everything, from just holding hands to our first kiss.

Sometimes I think I'm being stupid and should just give this relationship a shot. Perhaps once we started seeing each other romantically, things would fall into place and I would find him attractive. But other times I think I should hold out and try to find someone that I can be good friends with AND feel attraction for. Whenever I think, "Just try things with him," I then think, "But there's got to be something better out there!" (Better in terms of a better fit for me, not a better person.) But then, what if there isn't and I'm missing out on something great?

Anyone ever been here? Anyone got any insight that might help me?
you see what you are describing "He's always there for me, he listens and encourages me, he values what's important to me." when combined with "We went to high school together and became really good friends in college" and the feeling of " I'm not excited by the idea of dating him. I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all, but I don't know why" is an subconscious friend-zone most likely.

-he's liked me since high school.
-he's been asked out before, he usually says no.
- It bothers me that when we go out, he never tries to take my hand or sit close to me

ok, my take on these three things.... he wants you not all those girls that ask him out so he is going to say no to them all. He sees he may have a chance to be with you. He probably thinks doing so would be wrong as it denotes he is in a romantic relationship with you and he is most likely also not confident.

.i can't believe i am suggesting this(sorry happened alot to me so i don't like to)... friend-zone him and all the way to a brother.... sigh.... well it pretty much tosses all me feelings away pretty fast since there is not hope after that. then he will be able to move on
 

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you see what you are describing "He's always there for me, he listens and encourages me, he values what's important to me." when combined with "We went to high school together and became really good friends in college" and the feeling of " I'm not excited by the idea of dating him. I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all, but I don't know why" is an subconscious friend-zone most likely.

-he's liked me since high school.
-he's been asked out before, he usually says no.
- It bothers me that when we go out, he never tries to take my hand or sit close to me

ok, my take on these three things.... he wants you not all those girls that ask him out so he is going to say no to them all. He sees he may have a chance to be with you. He probably thinks doing so would be wrong as it denotes he is in a romantic relationship with you and he is most likely also not confident.

.i can't believe i am suggesting this(sorry happened alot to me so i don't like to)... friend-zone him and all the way to a brother.... sigh.... well it pretty much tosses all me feelings away pretty fast since there is not hope after that. then he will be able to move on
No.
no. no. no.

She should either have a relationship with him or tell him to beat it.
None of this "friend" bullshit.
 

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No.
no. no. no.

She should either have a relationship with him or tell him to beat it.
None of this "friend" bullshit.
i hate it too but.... trust me she will never be able to do both of those things you said.

relationship won't work. she cannot feel attracted to him and is trying to figure out how she can because he is what she wants from a boyfriend but she does not want him as the boyfriend. a chance of a successful relationship is not likely as she is trying to force herself to like him by finding reasons. he sounds like her emotional support so thats who she turns to most likely when things are on her mind. finding someone to trust your deepest problems isn't easy for me and from what i have read is the same for alot of INFJs.

She will probably never be able to tell him to just go away because he has done nothing wrong and she wants him in her life just not romantically.

me personally would rather be told i am a brother then told to beat it. i would rather not have a girlfriend when she feels uneasy about it.
 

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He'll never grow up with her coddling him.

She's not doing him any favors in fact she'll be doing damage.

she would cut him loose if she truly cares.
 

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He'll never grow up with her coddling him.

She's not doing him any favors in fact she'll be doing damage.

she would cut him loose if she truly cares.
she won't be coddling him. she is stating she has no desire for him romantically but would like just to be friends nothing more. i would have lost a few good friends if it weren't for being friend zoning. as much as i hate the concept it works for it's intended purpose. to remove romantic interest and keep the friend it works well.


i could spend all day debating friend zoning since i believe it is the proper course of action but sadly i got things more important to do.

Edit: also this puts the final decision in his hands. he will have to decide if he can accept that.

Edit2: i want to point out everything i said this is assuming i am correct in what i am seeing in the situation.
 

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The whole point is to take the decision away from him.
 

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The whole point is to take the decision away from him.
i meant if he understands and can accept it or just continues the same pattern. he could chose accept it or not. if the patterns continues.... then other options are valid and should be used.Normally friend zoning works. it gives us sensitive guys the hard truth that there is not chance. if he doesn't get it then she should use an alternate option.
 

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i meant if he understands and can accept it or just continues the same pattern. he could chose accept it or not. if the patterns continues.... then other options are valid and should be used.Normally friend zoning works. it gives us sensitive guys a wake up call that there is not chance. if they don't get it then she should use an alternate option.
I don't think you quite understand... friend zoning is still too nice.
I want him shattered. It'll be good for him to start over. It builds character.
 

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I don't think you quite understand... friend zoning is still too nice.
I want him shattered. It'll be good for him to start over. It builds character.
sigh you got a hold of before my edit. oh well

INFJs don't typically shatter people on purpose. you are not stepping in her shoes. she doesn't want to shatter him thats why she is looking for help and other options.

anyway.. i think this something we will never agree on and i am done with this.
 

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sigh you got a hold of before my edit. oh well

INFJs don't typically shatter people on purpose. you are not stepping in her shoes. she doesn't want to shatter him thats why she is looking for help and other options.

anyway.. i think this something we will never agree on and i am done with this.
I know she doesn't want to, but I think she's being selfish in that regard.
Sometimes the best thing for a friend is the worst thing for the friendship.
 

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yellowbrit, if you're not attracted to him don't go out with him...it won't work and you'll just end up hurting him and wasting time for both of you. Way back when I was a teen, I spent 18 months trying to become attracted to my boyfriend who I loved dearly as a friend - it didn't end well for either of us. i constantly fancied his friends and I ended up cheating on him, which made me realise that we were wrong together so I dumped him. I made the same mistake again with a friend at uni, but that time I only let it go 5 weeks before I ditched him.

There's nothing wrong with just being friends with a guy who you have an excellent friendship with but no sexual attraction to. Treat it as if he is a girl friend of yours, or gay. If he has strong feelings for you, let him know that you're never going to have a relationship with him, and help him to find another girl who will. It is unlikely he will ever throw away his friendship with you because he can't have you.
 
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