Personality Cafe banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 14 of 14 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,993 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
When I was my old naive self, I used to give guys more of a benefit of doubt compared to now.

Now whenever a guy shows even small signs of being too self absorbed for me, I get cold and even stop speaking to him just like that.

I like people are willing to go the extra mile in understanding others, not people who I see as self centred even in their conversations.

Am I harsh?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,001 Posts
Well, to tell you the truth, people are inherently self centered. You can not function without being like that. Arogance on the other hand, yes major turn off.
 
  • Like
Reactions: bionic

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,026 Posts
No, you're self-absorbed...:laughing:
Also cynical, probably overreacting, and maybe a little paranoid. You seem to associate giving the benefit of the doubt with weakness rather than with being fair. And seem awfully ready to judge these people based on very little - most guys trying to show off to a girl can come off as self-absorbed, after all.
Nonetheless, you have every right to avoid people. But it's more about you than them and it's useful to admit that - no need to portray them as horribly self-centred (self-centred even in conversation implies you assume they are in other ways you actually know nothing about) when all you know is that, in conversation, they show a minor sign or two.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
maybe he's actually interested and wants to get to know you? not a creeper or overly lusting.

are you afraid of commitment?
 

·
Registered
ENFP
Joined
·
4,206 Posts
Izzie,

Could it be that you've been hurt by someone who exhibits those traits? I don't see it as being self-absorbed or projecting, but more likely that you are introjecting into their world, and not wanting to have to deal with sensed baggage.

I don't think that we always self-project onto others what we think of ourselves. That's too extreme. I think there are some who exhibit that feeling for others where they can place themselves into the other person's shoes, and literally, introject into their worlds and see things the way they do.

Anyway.. that's how I see it, and I do know what you're talking about.. how I deal with it is that I see people who are closed off or appear self-absorbed or whatever, tend to be hurt themselves... they just don't have a way of expressing it the way some people do. It could be an anal retentive or expulsive kind of thing, but it's more likely to do with how they've learned to deal with their own pain (to no fault of their's, since we don't know about their childhood environment/current condition).

Basically- go at it at your own pace. Don't be too hard on yourself about it, because you have your own set of experiences, too, that is just as equally important and shouldn't be disregarded or denied. It will just take a few nudges here and there to really kinda get used to some people and to be open with those whom we can't relate to, or feel a bit uncomfy to, but we manage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,993 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Izzie,

Could it be that you've been hurt by someone who exhibits those traits? I don't see it as being self-absorbed or projecting, but more likely that you are introjecting into their world, and not wanting to have to deal with sensed baggage.

I don't think that we always self-project onto others what we think of ourselves. That's too extreme. I think there are some who exhibit that feeling for others where they can place themselves into the other person's shoes, and literally, introject into their worlds and see things the way they do.

Anyway.. that's how I see it, and I do know what you're talking about.. how I deal with it is that I see people who are closed off or appear self-absorbed or whatever, tend to be hurt themselves... they just don't have a way of expressing it the way some people do. It could be an anal retentive or expulsive kind of thing, but it's more likely to do with how they've learned to deal with their own pain (to no fault of their's, since we don't know about their childhood environment/current condition).

Basically- go at it at your own pace. Don't be too hard on yourself about it, because you have your own set of experiences, too, that is just as equally important and shouldn't be disregarded or denied. It will just take a few nudges here and there to really kinda get used to some people and to be open with those whom we can't relate to, or feel a bit uncomfy to, but we manage.
I don't really know :confused: It could be because I don't get excited easily about certain stuff as I would be when I was younger :dry: I'm just harder to impress than I once was.

Yes, admittedly I went through a rough past..But I don't know. I don't feel ''fragile'' or paranoid easily when I encounter people like that, so it might not be that either.

I think I'm wondering whether my standards make me a weird, bad person or something...and it makes me feel weird. And at times, confused.

Maybe I'm just going through major personality changes that at times make me feel delighted but other times, make me feel confused.

Heh sorry :blushed:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,594 Posts
I don't know. If you are as young as I think you might be, rejecting guys who are self-absorbed would be like someone my age rejecting a woman who has cellulite or a slight sag to her tits. I just comes with the territory for that age group. Rejecting someone solely on those grounds seems abrupt. I think you are cheating yourself out of what could be an interesting journey or two.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,993 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I know, perhaps I am somewhat of a cynical hypocrite. I can't help it.

I am getting pretty picky when it comes to my social life. But I don't like to make people feel bad.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,245 Posts
izzie,

I feel a few issues are going on here in your message. Firstly, it seems as though you are going in a positive direction. This is normal of a girl growing up, and facing relationships. To a girl in early stages, men doing stuff for her, and compliments seem so exciting. Then as a girl gets older, she looks for substance and her criteria being filled, not just expressions of love and attraction in the initial phase.

assuming a person is self absorbed -- I would be cautious with judging this too swiftly, often when a guy tries to get a girl's attention, he may poof out his chest and try to impress her with his life, thoughts and activities. I would not say you are being harsh, but if your Intuition tells you to stay away, or if a person is showing long term behavior of self-absorbed-ness, then stay away. But as mrscientist says, most people are self centred, this is true too.

Perhaps in an NF perspective, you are looking for someone who will also take care of your emotional needs, not just their own, by being with you? This is maybe where you are getting the focus on self-absorbed-ness. This could be a possibility. As vel says, as long as you are getting your needs met, maybe you should look at your criteria list. But I would give another person closer observation before cutting them out of my life. There could be a series of reasons why someone seems self-absorbed. They could just seem that way, but really are not.

I rarely use the word hypocrite, there are many complex parts of a person's character, thus to fully assess that would be difficult. I think you are being hard on yourself here, unnecessarily. You do have the right to pick your social circle carefully. Do this in private if it makes you feel better, but don't feel bad about making choices that suit your environment and needs. Life is too short to spend time on people who don't benefit you...but if you are making cuts, don't discount people who oppose you, because you can also learn from challenges.

HH Dalai Lama said last weekend, in Mind Teaching, that people who seem to cause trouble can at times be our greatest teachers. This may not relate, but the thought came to mind, and I am adding it :) The teaching (whatever I understood) still permeates my mind. But if this is about you selecting a social circle, then certainly cut whomever you want, and don't feel bad. As long as you are polite about it, who cares what others think, really :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,993 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Perhaps in an NF perspective, you are looking for someone who will also take care of your emotional needs, not just their own, by being with you? This is maybe where you are getting the focus on self-absorbed-ness. This could be a possibility. As vel says, as long as you are getting your needs met, maybe you should look at your criteria list. But I would give another person closer observation before cutting them out of my life. There could be a series of reasons why someone seems self-absorbed. They could just seem that way, but really are not.
I just prefer someone who likes to understand more about the possibilities and even perhaps the unprovable in the world rather than use human interactions only for his self absorbed agenda. I don't know..intelligence, I guess?

Plus, I'm not just talking about guys as in ''romantic interest.'' I sort of meant potential guy friends as well.

But I prize sincerity, kindness and purity in heart above all qualities, if that makes sense. Sorry if I don't make sense.

As for emotional needs, I'm not as clingy as I was in the past. I can take care of my own emotional needs.

I guess the issue that stemmed was I kind of felt bad for having high standards when it comes to who I choose to get really close to. But, it is what it is.

I rarely use the word hypocrite, there are many complex parts of a person's character, thus to fully assess that would be difficult. I think you are being hard on yourself here, unnecessarily. You do have the right to pick your social circle carefully. Do this in private if it makes you feel better, but don't feel bad about making choices that suit your environment and needs. Life is too short to spend time on people who don't benefit you...but if you are making cuts, don't discount people who oppose you, because you can also learn from challenges.

HH Dalai Lama said last weekend, in Mind Teaching, that people who seem to cause trouble can at times be our greatest teachers. This may not relate, but the thought came to mind, and I am adding it :) The teaching (whatever I understood) still permeates my mind. But if this is about you selecting a social circle, then certainly cut whomever you want, and don't feel bad. As long as you are polite about it, who cares what others think, really :)
Thanks.
 

·
Registered
ENFP
Joined
·
4,206 Posts
I have a cousin who's INFP and kinda reminds me of this scenario. Whenever she tells me about meeting guys, she automatically tunes out individuals she senses are self-absorbed. In no way is she a hypocrite. She's one of the purest human beings I ever met (except when she rages- which- I love, lol).

Anyway, maybe I'm misinterpreting, but it sounds like there is a sense of guilt for not wanting to associate with said types of personalities? Naw. Seriously. You are entitled to feel the way you do. Sometimes, we can't win them all. In an ideal world, people don't hurt people. I see it as you wanting to surround yourself with positive influences, people who share similar values. Whether or not we want to admit it, on some level, we all seek to associate with those who we identify with.. it's natural. no harm done..at the same time, there is much to learn from those who complement or balance us. Just comes with time and is unique to the person/situation we encounter.. really depends.

Sorry if I was blathering away; didn't mean to invalidate any feelings if I did. To paraphrase- I get whatchya mean..!!:happy:
 
1 - 14 of 14 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top