Personality Cafe banner
1 - 16 of 16 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi guys, i only just joined because i need the help of other INFJs to figure this out.

I will try to be short although i know i will struggle to do so.
10 months ago i met this girl, she is InFj too. We started talking through facebook and then moved on to texting and then also spoke with cameras etc. we were both so enthusiastic, so happy to have found each other. It was full on texting etc but i got hooked up more than she did. You see, she is also beautiful and bisexual and so am i. She complimented me a lot on my looks and there was chemistry. I loved talking to her on camera, we laughed a lot. I was a lot more open that she ever was and did most of the talking, when there was silence in our camera conversations, she would just stare at me silently and i could see her staring. It felt like she wanted to say something but always held back. She and her boyfriend split, she was hurt and i tried to confort her through texting. She told me all she needed was someone to love her, someone to be there. I wasnt brave enough to tell her that i loved her, maybe it was too soon and it would freak her out. She became busy with work and started texting less and less. So did I. Timing you see..it happened to both of us at the same time. I started having serious problems in life and work and she was always busy. I felt alone and by then i was obsessed with her. She was so flattering, and at the same time so irresistably beautiful and cute and sweet..anyway, i was missing her. I said something to her aboout my problems and it went wrong. She had a massive go at me, only our fight was more of a couple's fight. It was intense. She was very very very upset and told me i was full on and it hurt her that she knew i needed her but that she had a life and her own problems too etc. my problems were genuine and pretty serious. The day we fought, she doorslammed me. I started having anxiety and i had a month of mental agony. As if my problems were not enough, i was obsessed with her too. My heart and mind were driving me crazy. How could she have been so mean to me? It felt like i was beaten up from life and she put a bullet through my heart. Anyway, i showed a friend our fight which was in a written form and he said, you fought like a couple. After that, i couldnt stand it anymore and wrote her a short sweet letter where i said How much i valued her and how sorry i was-she replied with an i love you and many kisses etc. i couldnt believe it that she had forgiven me although i dont think i had done anything wrong, i mean, im only human and i loved our connection and her, right? Wtphats so bad about loving someone and needing them? Yes i made many mistakes like being dependend and needy but im only human and thats why i apologised. I dont want to lose people i love over silly things although having said that, what was happening in my life was very very serious. After her i love you 3 months ago, we have exchanged a few texts, she told me a few times that we will talk soon but this soon never came. sometimes she is distant, sometimes she ignores them (she used to do that too before), and some other times, when she gets in trouble and when i care, she sends me 10 kisses in a row making me wonder, what the fuck does she want from me? Why does she never initiate conversation and why have there been so many mixed signals from her part?

Are we friends? Are we more? Is she confused? Does she think i fancy her and she is scared that i might do? If i send her an i love you message out of the blue, is there a chance she will freak out? How should i handle this? It is really pissing me off that she wont be straightforward with me and she leaves me hanging. I am not her toy but i love her and i dont want to lose her but on the other hand, although not knowing is sometimes best, i have to know what she wants from me because i want her as a friend but unfortunately i could see her as something more too. Pretty shitty situation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,347 Posts
Thanks for sharing and of course, welcome to the site.

She told me all she needed was someone to love her, someone to be there.
Ugh, I actually hated reading this, but this could just be your wording or interpretation. In my eyes, it's too general of a statement. There are many people in this world that are desperate for any sort of love or attention that they'll take it from virtually anybody that will give it. They'll often bounce between people or flavors of the month, but what you want (ideally) is someone that wants YOUR love, not just any love, only YOURS. It has to be specific or you're just a name in the phonebook.

[HR][/HR]

I'll also say I'm not a fan of people that disappear of fall off the face of the Earth. I can understand people during stressful times needing space, work/school tugging them away, or what have you. That said, people that value you will try their best to make time for you or at least try to reassure you and give you the 411 on what's going on. If they don't and they at times ignore you, it usually means they'll only reach out to you when it's convenient for them, they're bored, they need something, or they feel obligated to respond. Gah... avoid these sort of people.

All the above in mind, I don't know what happened during your dark days together when that fight erupted. I wouldn't romanticize it by saying it's a lovers quarrel or fighting like a couple. Depending on what happened there it could have done some permanent damage or made her a bit more avoidant or scared to go back to that place again.

Overall, I get the feeling you're a rather intense individual and I actually enjoy that trait in people. Many of the underlying thoughts or feelings you've shared are actually what I look for in someone. My concern is that not everyone will appreciate that side of you to its fullest extent, some might find it suffocating. Look at it this way, some people will prefer to warm their hands from the heat of your flame. While others want to step into it, add to it, and together you'll burn all the more intensely. You have to ask yourself is she someone that just walked by to warm her hands?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
587 Posts
I don't like the mixed signals she is sending. Its a very INFJ thing, and we can't know for sure if its purposeful or not, but I still think that generally if an INFJ likes you enough, he/she will give definitive signs more often than not. The whole "I just want someone to love me" is interesting, it sounds like a selfish disposition. Like, a person that would grab anyone before he/she hit their lowest point, and pull themself back up on whoever as well. Its just not right. I know the type is attractive and intoxicating, an interested INFJ woman is amazingly perceptive and comfortably affectionate. (which is only two-thirds true for us dude INFJs in the pre dating phase)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,530 Posts
Blowing up every little detail 100x and reading between invisible lines are what I do often when my heart is engaged.

My fanciful imagination would paint a picture in my head that may or may not resemble reality.

Sounds like you are doing the same thing. Do you really know this person? If not, perhaps it's time to step back, give yourself some distance and time to clear your head.

If it's meant to be. It will be. If not, oh well, there's always the next person that will sweep you off your feet.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
587 Posts
Blowing up every little detail 100x and reading between invisible lines are what I do often when my heart is engaged.

My fanciful imagination would paint a picture in my head that may or may not resemble the real thing.
*sniffles*

story of my life, sista!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
81 Posts
Thanks for sharing and of course, welcome to the site.



Ugh, I actually hated reading this, but this could just be your wording or interpretation. In my eyes, it's too general of a statement. There are many people in this world that are desperate for any sort of love or attention that they'll take it from virtually anybody that will give it. They'll often bounce between people or flavors of the month, but what you want (ideally) is someone that wants YOUR love, not just any love, only YOURS. It has to be specific or you're just a name in the phonebook.

[HR][/HR]

I'll also say I'm not a fan of people that disappear of fall off the face of the Earth. I can understand people during stressful times needing space, work/school tugging them away, or what have you. That said, people that value you will try their best to make time for you or at least try to reassure you and give you the 411 on what's going on. If they don't and they at times ignore you, it usually means they'll only reach out to you when it's convenient for them, they're bored, they need something, or they feel obligated to respond. Gah... avoid these sort of people.

All the above in mind, I don't know what happened during your dark days together when that fight erupted. I wouldn't romanticize it by saying it's a lovers quarrel or fighting like a couple. Depending on what happened there it could have done some permanent damage or made her a bit more avoidant or scared to go back to that place again.

Overall, I get the feeling you're a rather intense individual and I actually enjoy that trait in people. Many of the underlying thoughts or feelings you've shared are actually what I look for in someone. My concern is that not everyone will appreciate that side of you to its fullest extent, some might find it suffocating. Look at it this way, some people will prefer to warm their hands from the heat of your flame. While others want to step into it, add to it, and together you'll burn all the more intensely. You have to ask yourself is she someone that just walked by to warm her hands?
Great insight, great advice. Double thumbs up - if I had a third thumb I'd throw that one up too!
 

·
Sharp Cutting Thing
Joined
·
9,678 Posts
Blowing up every little detail 100x and reading between invisible lines are what I do often when my heart is engaged.

My fanciful imagination would paint a picture in my head that may or may not resemble reality.

Sounds like you are doing the same thing. Do you really know this person? If not, perhaps it's time to step back, give yourself some distance and time to clear your head.

If it's meant to be. It will be. If not, oh well, there's always the next person that will sweep you off your feet.
Chanteuse, amour-senpai?
 
  • Like
Reactions: chanteuse

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,530 Posts
  • Like
Reactions: Shea and knife

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,854 Posts
Blowing up every little detail 100x and reading between invisible lines are what I do often when my heart is engaged.

My fanciful imagination would paint a picture in my head that may or may not resemble reality.

Sounds like you are doing the same thing. Do you really know this person? If not, perhaps it's time to step back, give yourself some distance and time to clear your head.

If it's meant to be. It will be. If not, oh well, there's always the next person that will sweep you off your feet.
:crying: sigh, simply well said.

[HR] [/HR]
anyway,
I find that a pretty typical situation for an INFJ--generally, I relate to it, atleast.

i couldnt believe it that she had forgiven me although i dont think i had done anything wrong, i mean, im only human and i loved our connection and her, right?
yes, and she's human too. She makes mistakes, she can get dominated by her strong feelings. If you really love her and see her potentially as part of your future, then keep fighting for her. I think it's a pity that people have to wait for others to initiate. I mean-- once you've got her attention and you've been talking for awhile-- does it really matter who starts it? If you want to say something, then say something. There are people I really care about and thought about what I'd get for them for Christmas, for their birthday, for new years.. what I'd say to them when I see them.. what I wish for them. And sometimes end up not being able to do some of those things, and then I feel bad. But that doesn't mean I care about them less. There are different ways people show how they care: gifts, affection, service, etc. If it's love, you have to keep going.. no one's perfect and there will be obstacles on the way. But I have full confidence in a kind of love that will last.. the ones I see within the heart of the old man I saw walking in the rain steadily, with a soft warm smile and with bold flowers in hand. It's so fking beautiful. If you believe it, then keep fighting. You'll know the point when to stop and when to keep going. You should push the person, but you can't make them fall. You'll know.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Deejaz and everyone else thank you for your replies. I am INfJ too and i find somethings very hard to do. I have deep feelings anc can be very intense but she is more private and ahe holds back. After our conflict and her saying she loves me, i told her i loved her too and that i was too shy to admit it. At that point i told her that as a friend, because im reserved with revealing my feelings as i fear rejection too much. Things have not however been as i expected them to be after this. I thought it would have meant a new beginning. For a while there was no communication and then after every text of mine she replied to, she would say we will talk soon but never did. Apparently she is busy with work but i believe that regardless of how busy you are, you would still find 30 mins to say hi to someone you love and want to reassure them that your friendship or whatever is ok. Then, just a month ago she got in trouble with her asshole boyfriend and i found out so i texted her. She was scared and i tried my best to help her. She thanked me for being there and sent me many kisses and stuff but after the episode was over, she wasnt too chatty which i understand given what had happened. I texted her the other week and she said she is too busy and has no time to text her friends. So there i am, reading the text wondering...'i'm to busy to text my friends etc' does that mean, i am not her friend? Does it mean i am her friend and that includes me so thats why she is distant or does is she just trying to push me away?

I have thought so many times about telling her how i feel but it might freak her out. There are specific things that have been told that could be seen as more than friends hints but as someone already said above, i could be imagining it. However, when you tell someone that they are naturally beautiful, that you are bisexual and want to try things with a girl, that you just want someone to love you, or straightforwardly that you love them affer they praised you so much...how am i not to feel confused? Maybe she is holding back because she knows how i feel but she expected me to initiate the discussion? But then i told her so many times we need to talk that it makes me feel she is avoiding the talk and me altogether, but then...the kisses?! I am so confused and emotionally detatched. Ugh

Do you think telling someone you are in love with them, puts your "existing friendship" into more danger?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Hi Lad..first of all thank you for replying, thank you for caring..

I agree with you. This friend of mine that knows all the details thinks that if i had told her all this face to face, she would have kissed the hell out of me because what i wrote to her was so intense, so adorable...man! If only someone had those feelings for me...i would have loved them forever. She is impulsive, and just like me, she loves the attention, she loves to be loved. But i think she realised that she said i love you because of what it made her feel, not what she really feels.

I hate it that i know people dont care about her. I think she generally manages to push people away..she didnt reach out to me, i reached her first because i found out she was in trouble, and i was the only one that cared.

What happened during our dark days is that we had become too close. I was always going to her to ask for advice (she was my best friend, always chatting etc) and she got busy, so did i. She had told me she needed her space but i wasnt listening. I didnt pay attention so i kept asking for more so she got pissed. She felt suffocated and that night when we hadnt spoken for a while, i made a joke although things in my life were going shit. I tried to initiate conversation and she erupted. It was a long time coming..she said that i was selfish and i suffocated her etc. it was so intense i started having spasms physically, i tensed up so bad i had panic attacks. It was a horrible, horrible experience.

Thank you for enjoying intensity and for the compliment. I have spent so much time reflecting on my intensity and what it is that ruined what i had with her and i hate myself for being like that. Exactly as you said, some find me suffocating. But my intentions and heart are at the right place...they really are. I have to be true to myself and i know, i never mean any wrong.

I dont know who she is, and what she wants. My overanalysing and overthinking, my reading between the lines and imagination, dont always let me see the real her. Sometimes i can see just the facts and say to myself, this isnt what you thought it was, sometimes i think of what i I woukd have meant if i had said what she said and then i get confused. She doesnt feedback and she doesnt seem to care to clarify this for me, or offer me some kind of closure. Which makes me think that she is either horrible (doubt it), too aloof and lost in her busy-ness or she doesnt really care about me because she knows i love her. There is no thrill anymore..if that makes sense.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Hi chanteuse, thank you for your reply. No we dont know each other too well and after her mixed signals after ouf conflict, i am very confused with her. But im also obsessed, and i have a pure-o problem so its not easy to distance myself. I dont have many friends..partly because i keep moving or because i push people away and then doorslam them. She sweeps me off my feet but she doesnt know..i am not sure i mean this but sometimes its good to know how the other feels..but then again, there is comfort in not knowing. Its hard to leave such hurtful situations behind because they made us happy when nothing else did
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Chris hi..thanks for replying. I am sorry you too seem to do the same thing as me. At this point i am starting to doubt she is INFJ. I am infj and i am exactly as you said..i would hold her hand through hell if she were to go through it. I would be there but thats what seems to annoy her, she finds it suffocating. I put people at ease and remind them that i am there, even when i get too busy and emotionally detached, i let people know that i am still there, but i need time. She used to be affectionate and caring before she got too busy with work. She actually told me this when we had the conflict: it is too hurtful for me to know you need me there and know i cannot take you by the hand all the time. I have a life and my own problems too. (It scares me so much that i remember her words so vividly). The only thing she is good at feeding back is that she needs her space. If i had a pound for every time she has told me that..

I have never actually met an infj male..but infj females, including myself sometimes, can be very hard. She is the weirdest, and at the same time most adorable person i have ever met. And i know i am a fool for saying that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
281 Posts
I've been exactly where you are. To be in a vulnerable place while your life is going through the pits meanwhile being helplessly infatuated with someone whose intentions you're completely unsure of. And they've hurt you with their words, but you continue to hang on because you want to believe that they're better than that. And when it seems hopeless, they every so often leave you a bread crumb that you take as a sign and you just keep following them. But given half the messages they ignore, you just continue to have this feeling in your stomach that you're being strung along. You seem very caring and perhaps too devoted to those that have a place in your heart, just like I am. So I can tell you that hanging on solely for this girl likely isn't worth it. One thing I've learned in chasing others much of my life, is that if they don't express a desire for You, and your love/care specifically early on, and they're vague about it like she was (how she just wanted to be "loved") then it's unlikely you'll ever be able to convince them to begin to look at you, and only you. Some people just don't stop long enough to realize what they already have close to them, because they're always chasing what they don't have. It sounds like she's one of them. She's too focused ahead in her own life to look beside her and see you, and truly appreciate that. People like that, as intoxicating as they might be to us, will rarely change their behaviour, even if we lay it out for them plain as day to see..they usually still won't get it, or will just lash out at us because they don't understand. This happened between a girl and myself recently. She treated me exactly the same as you were. And I was hooked on her just as you. But your affection and care is too precious to keep spending it on someone who maybe thought you were interesting to begin with, but never fully appreciated you on the level you wished. I'm afraid waiting for it won't inspire change in the way they feel or what they do. She might come around, who knows. It's impossible to say for sure. But meanwhile, one thing is for sure: you need to take back your life, and your pride. And get into a mental place where you're content in standing alone, if you must. And if she's going to come running to you, she's going to have to earn your care back. That's the kind of treatment you deserve. Kneeling outside her figurative door and putting your heart at her mercy isn't where you belong. You deserve better. It may feel lonely right now. But if you start putting you ahead of her in your mind, then over time I promise she'll cease to be such a factor in the way you feel each day, and you'll start to feel like you've regained control of your own mind and feelings. And it's such a huge release. You need to focus on you, and getting yourself back on your feet, because she clearly isn't going to go out of her way to help you, at least not soon. Be strong for yourself, and know that you deserve the best, and what she's given you isn't that. You may feel like you need her, but in reality it's your mind chasing a dream that's so vivid and enticing that it can't let go right now. But in time it can. And you'll begin to feel silly, because you put yourself out on the line for someone who in reality wasn't speaking the same language as you. There's always a possibility of someday and you can hold on to that, but you can't be suffering between now and then. Pick yourself up and find a way to smile for your own sake, and all the great things you possess and offer. That's most important.


Apologies for the massive paragraph lol.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Nightsong, your reply spoke straight to my heart and im welling up as im writing this. You write in a way that resonates and you remind me of me. She is very individualistic but she is at an age now were she is trying to live life and also study and i know she is busy. But my infatuation has made me double guess myself and im scared to even text her. When we do exchange a text or two, i feel like i am a bother and in fact it takes me so long to reply because i overthink about it and then, honestly, when i eventually press the send button, the message is plain stupid and incoherent. It wasnt like that before...but i can see it clearly that she is not actively interested in putting me at ease about what happened although she has told me, let me know how you get on..i am sure because she is INfJ, i am sure she knows, she can feel there is something wrong in this relationship and it is not at all what it used to be like. She knows i care about her and i suspect she might be suspecting i am in love with her but she is doing nothing about it, which to me means, she doesnt give a fuck or she is scared. I am afraid its that she doesnt give a fuck. She is younger than me and i can see the cracks in her behaviour now. She can be very mature but in fact her behaviour shows otherwise. When we used to talk or when we text she says things like, when there is a will there is a way, all true and fine but she doesnt go deeper. Life is not as easy as that. She always gave me advice instead of just listen or reassure me but then, when i gave her advice, she hated it! She told me off so many times and kept telling me...i am intelligent enough to know that. But i dont do that..anyway, have no clue why i wrote all this now. Thank you for your post..it resonates.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,577 Posts
I've been in your shoes myself... and it was a crazy experience. I am kinda glad I had it actually, you learn a lot about yourself and what you want in your love life. This person was threading me along since the start, we seemed to have this chemistry and they always showed affection. I'm not sure about your situation; when I was obsessed with this person it was during some dark times. They gave me the affection and time I needed which I believe made me depended on them.
They were going through bad times too and seemed to appreciate me being there for them. Long story short; turns out this person only used me for their own selfish desires. They were an emotionally abusive person without even realising it themselves. I also had this expectation in my head and put them on some pedestal. I guess I had this idea in my head of how my ideal match or 'soul mate' would be like and crookedly placed them inside of it, filling out the spaces that didn't fit for them.

What I'm trying to say is that be careful with her. I know and have very busy friends and they can still take some minutes out of their days to respond to their family and friends. No one is ever too busy unless they are literally stuck at their job/school without any means of communication available (phones/internet/IM). After what you've written about her and you two, I'd say there are better matches out there for you. Love is a struggle, but she seems to hold you at an arm's distance. These other replies in here are very great by the way!
 
1 - 16 of 16 Posts
Top